Major League Baseball
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Major League Baseball or Mexicans Love Baseball (MLB) is a premier professional baseball league that is fixed. With teams in North America, the league has achieved more international recognition than bloodbath, football and hockey. The MLB's annual championship, the World Series, is one of the highest rated events in America.
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[edit] MLB Teams
The MLB used to have two leagues: the American League and the National League. However, due to waning popularity, the MLB can now only afford conferences. And the conferences are sponsored by politicians. Beautiful.
| Division | Team | Description |
|---|---|---|
| Republican Conference | ||
| Frozen North
Division | Baltimore Gloryholes | Hold the record for most Steroids users ever to play for a team at one time with 3. (The record was since tied by the San Francisco Queers.) |
| Boston Red Sux | Once had Babe Ruth. He later ditched and cursed them just for the hell of it. Won World Series in 2004 and 2007, despite not being in league. | |
| New York Yankers | Pretty much the whole freaking league revolves around them. And A-Rod. And that Jeter guy. | |
| Tampa Bay Raytards | Some crappy team from Florida, I think. I've never heard of them before. Somehow made the World Series once. | |
| Toronto Blue Gays | Canadians. Oddly enough, not every player on the team is Canadian. But if that did happen, the team would likely split because the players would be too obsessed with curling. | |
| Jack Morris
Division | Chicago White Sux | Won it all in 2005, but now, they suck. Besides from horrible, also a very racist team. The white Sox? Many Buffies out there are seriously gonna shank somebody. Just when the buffies thought they had The Black Sox. Nope. Boston worships Indians. Now the buffies are left in overshadow. |
| Cleveland Steamers | New and improved, but always get screwed. They haven't won a world series since... oh when was it? '47? I forget. But this team is building up to the top, and may have a successful year. | |
| Detroit Tigeresses | They suck dickkkkkkkk. You can already tell this team is a pussy whip. EVERY. Everyone thought that they were gonna be fucking amazing. | |
| Kansas City Royal Flush | Usually not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs until April 15. | |
| Minnesota Tits | This is a team of girls with huge tits. You know how men have crotch protectors (cups)? These gals have tit protectors. | |
| Unspecific
Division | Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of the United States of the Earth of the Milky Way Galaxy of the Universe | This team may have the most unnecessarily long name in professional sports. |
| Oakland Athletic Straps | Somehow make the playoffs despite losing the first 50 games every season. | |
| Seattle Ichiro Suzukis | It has been rumored that they have been renamed the Mariners, but really, how many mariners do you know who play baseball? | |
| Texas Brokeback Mountain Rangers | George W. Bush owned the team, which has led to great success and a billion championships until the dawn of time. | |
| Democrat Conference | ||
| Atlantis
Division | Atlanta Redskins | America's Team. Fuckin' A. |
| Florida Anchovies | Alex Rodriguez makes more money than all 25 of them combined, yet they actually did something productive in 2008. And by productive, we mean electing Barack Hussein Obama, who is black. Haven't you heard? | |
| New York Rickrolls | They're amazin' at chokin'. On balls and Mike Piazza. | |
| Philadelphia Phuckers | Led by Charles "the fat" Manuel, this club likes to make bad trades but still manages to be a constant power house since making the move from the Negro Leagues. | |
| Washington Cornholes | Historic team that nobody cared about until their move to D.C. (where, in fact, many still don't care about them). | |
| Redneck
Division | Chicago Scrubs | The most partying team in baseball. Can't win World Series until Chuck Norris' death. |
| Cincinnati Red Communists | A bunch of Commies in Ohio? Who knew? | |
| Houston Assholes | Have done absolutely nothing despite having decent players at one point or another. | |
| Milwaukee Beers | The 2nd most partying team in baseball | |
| Pittsburgh Butt-Pirates | Currently sinking into the Allegheny. Somewhere, Brian Giles plucks a syringe out of his buttcrack. | |
| St. Louis Atheists | Famous for Mark McGwire, a power-hitting clown and a shortstop that was an actual Wizard. | |
| Hippie
Division | Arizona MilkSnakes | Posionous, unless stepped on. |
| Colorado Cockies | Discovered on October 1, 2007. | |
| Los Angeles Hollywoods | The worst team in the world. Especially if you are a drunk Mexican with a beach ball. | |
| San Diego Bishops | What a great, wonderful bunch of Panamanian child molesters. | |
| San Francisco Queers | Steroid-ville USA. Charles Manson porked a tortoise in left-center here. | |
[edit] League History
[edit] Establishment
Major League Baseball was founded in 1871 by Abner Doubleday. It resulted from a drunken wager that Doubleday could seduce the American population into watching adults play a leisurely children's game with a ball, bat and glove. Other countries, likely frightened by America's superiority, failed to field national teams for the MLB, thus explaining why the MLB has been almost exclusively American.
[edit] First World Series
In 1877, the first World Series was played between the Boston Scalpers and Atlanta Lynchers. (The teams went by harsher names back then.) The Scalpers took the first seven games of the 25-game series, but their ace pitcher, Carl "Righty" Stovepipe Jackson, broke his hand when it was stepped on by a crooked umpire with a large bet on the opposing team. Because only one pitcher was required on a team those days, there were no other pitchers for the Scalpers to turn to. So, they were forced to use their bat boy as a substitute. Atlanta went on to take the next 13 games and the first World Series title. Afterward, they lynched five Native Americans in celebration, and the city of Atlanta held a ticker tape parade in their honor. However, the win was slightly tainted when it was discovered that the Lynchers' third baseman was a light-skinned mulatto. The commissioner of baseball at the time, Arthur Goodwill Spalding, was forced to ban him from the game and erase him from the official records of the season.
[edit] Second World Series
For the next seven years, the World Series was not played because the National (Socialist) League Champion New York Mutuals refused to play any team that they thought they might not be able to beat readily. Finally, in 1884, McGraw felt that his Mutuals could easily take on the Philadelphia Phuckers, so the second World Series was played. The Series was reduced to only a best of 13 games this time. This series also saw the one-time appearance of the ground rule cow; if a ball rolled under one of the many grazing livestock in the outfield, the batter could safely proceed to third, while the umpire stitched a new ball to put into play.
The Mutual's ace pitcher, the inimitable Dave Matthews, would later form a band after he was kicked out of the league for pitching at teammates' heads when making check-throws to unmanned bases. Anyway, the Mutuals won the first two games at home in the livestock pen they called the Polo Grounds. Then the series moved to Philadelphia, where the Phuckers rallied behind their one-eyed pimp, Walter Johnson, who had lost three toes in a thresher and somehow learned to pitch a baseball with that foot. This unorthodox style, as much as the pitches he actually threw, baffled every player on the Mutuals. After five games in Philly, in which Johnson started in all of them, the Mutuals were in bad shape. In those games, they scored a total of only two runs, and 15 of their batters sustained serious injuries. The Mutuals were desperate, so they brought in Chuck Norris as a ringer first basemen to sucker-punch base runners in the back of the neck, but this was not enough to prevent Philadelphia from taking the series. McGraw, their manager, retired from the game a bitter and senile man.
[edit] Where's the World Series? Who Cares?
In 1905, someone noticed that a World Series hadn't been played in awhile, so the idea was introduced onto the ballot. It narrowly lost in favor of having a knitting circle instead. Many of the players, however, lived in fear of the day the World Series would be introduced to baseball again.
Finally, enough people did care about having a championship for baseball, so that the World Series was re-introduced to baseball in 1920. However, the series was reduced to a best of seven games in response to threats made from baseball players to the Commissioner.
[edit] Damn Yanks and Yorks
The New York Yankers went on to win the first 30 World Series. The other teams became so furious during this incredible run, so they hired spies to kill the Yanks' top players: Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. Gehrig was given the self-named infamous disease, and Babe Ruth was given a mysterious African disease from which he would die at the age of 53. Finally, in the 1950s the Dodgers began taking some Championships from New York. However, because the Dodgers were also in New York, the rest of baseball was still angry that the city was hogging all of the championships. In a secret league meeting, it was decided that rather than kill off the players, the Dodgers would spontaneously move to Los Angeles, where they would dry out in the sun.
[edit] Transition Years
During the 1960s and 1970s, plenty more teams won the World Series, and New Yorkers began turning to other sports to follow while Yankee Stadium began to rot. The league expanded rapidly, and some teams relocated. And then there were the Milwaukee Beers and Houston Assholes, whose players were stolen from Japan and Korea, respectively.
In the 19$0s, the underling sports network ESPN picked up live baseball coverage for $100 billion.
[edit] Recent Downfall
In 1990, Commissioner Bud "Budweiser" Selig was stupid enough to legalize the use of drugs. In 2005, overdoses of steroids and cocaine killed two-thirds of MLB players. With the death of so many players, the league turned to retired veterans Cal Ripken, Mike Piazza, and Elmo "3 Fingered" Brown to revamp the game. It will be at least another decade before baseball returns to its prime, especially considering that president Barack Obama is not a huge fan of the sport and even introduced a bill making it illegal.
[edit] Notable Players in the MLB
- Sal Fasano - Arguably the best player in league history
- Osama bin Laden - Played 5 seasons for Tampa Bay as shortstop. Won the MVP 3 times
- Oscar Wilde - Only player to play for all 36 teams
- Cookie Monster - Banned from the hall of fame for drug use
- Harry Potter - One of the best seekers in baseball
- Purple - Broke the color barrier
- Ur mom - Gave birth to the New York Yankees
- Michael Jackson - Only player to rape all people in attendance in a single game. Also holds the record for single-season rapes with 740,243,975 and career rapes with 967,047,462,526,947
- Chris Benoit - Led the league in 2003 with 259 hits [of his wife]. Beat that, Ichiro
- Barry Bonds - Hold the record for smallest male nut sack and biggest head
[edit] See Also
- Baseball
- Major League Bloodbath, MLB's rival league
| Major League Baseball | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| AC | Northeast | Midwest | Pacific |
| Baltimore Orioles | Chicago White Sox | Los Angeles Angels | |
| Boston Red Sox | Cleveland Indians | Oakland Athletics | |
| New York Yankees | Detroit Tigers | Seattle Mariners | |
| Tampa Bay Rays | Kansas City Royals | Texas Rangers | |
| Toronto Blue Jays | Minnesota Twins | ||
| NC | Atlantic Coast | Redneck Land | Far West |
| Atlanta Braves | Chicago Cubs | Arizona Diamondbacks | |
| Florida Marlins | Cincinnati Reds | Colorado Rockies | |
| New York Mets | Houston Astros | Los Angeles Dodgers | |
| Philadelphia Phillies | Milwaukee Brewers | San Diego Padres | |
| Washington Nationals | Pittsburgh Pirates | San Francisco Giants | |
| St. Louis Cardinals | |||
