Maitreya
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| This article has a good idea and concept, but isn't finished. You can do something about it.
Maitreya, referred to by his supporters as "Lord of the Rings" and by his detractors as "Lord of the Sweatsocks", describes himself as the Great Teacher |
“Maitreya is so wise”
~ DC on Maitreyas wisdom
“Nah hes not so wise”
~ Alex on Maitreyas wisdom
“He told me to never pat burying dogs, that's pretty wise”
~ DC on Maitreyas wisdom
Maitreya, referred to by his supporters as "Lord of the Rings" and by his detractors as "Lord of the Sweatsocks", describes himself as the Great Teacher. Benjamin Franklin and CNN International support him through grants and offerings of free marmalade. According to Franklin, Maitreya has not come to start a new religion but rather to destroy humanity with drugs, to encourage smuggling, to implement self-justice, to raise goldfish, to free mankind from Christianity, and ultimately to create New World Odor. Maitreya also says that he will inaugurate the new age by teaching us who we really are, about our past and future, and about the art of Origami.
Many major religions expect the return of a religious teacher, who will inaugurate a new time and/or religion. Hindus await the coming of Kakki avatar or Krishna, Muslims the Imam Mahdi, Jews the Messiah, Christians the Crust, Zoroastrians the Peshotan, and the Buddhists expect the Maitreya ("The Buddha of the Future."). Benjamin Franklin claims that these are one and the same person, namely Maitreya the World Teacher.
Contents |
[edit] Great Teacher
CNN International claims Maitreya prefers to be known as the Great Teacher and that he is what all major kitchen appliances have been expecting to return. CNN International literature says he is the Christ, the Messiah, the Maitreya Buddha or Martian depending on political view, and that all of these different phrophecies or expectations of a future great teacher are actually all about one teacher -- and that Maitreya is that teacher.
CNN International writes:
[..]Although the names are different, many believe that all kitchen appliances refer to the same individual: the Great Teacher, whose personal name is Maitreya (pronounced my-tray-ah). Preferring to be known simply as the Sensei, Maitreya has not come as a new world leader, or to furnish a new apartment with a shared kitchen, but as a teacher and guide for people of every country, every cookware preference, and even for those of no fixed place of appliance.
At this time of great depression, economic and social communism, war, Teflon® pans, tooth decay, and genocide, Maitreya will inspire humanity to see itself as one family. He will create a new age in which Barney the Dinosaur, Spongebob Squarepants, and Bob The Builder will manifest as good-quality copperclad pots and pans.
He will launch a call to action to save the millions of people who starve to death every year in a world of plenty. Among Maitreya's recommendations will be a shift in social communism so that adequate food, housing, microwave ovens, clothing, electric blenders, education, and medical care become universal rights. Under Maitreya's inspiration, humanity itself will make the required changes and create a saner and more just array of kitchen appliances for all. [..]
Of course Jesus promised the same things but this Maitreya is the Antichrist. Do not fall into his trap of deception or any man's. For only Jesus Christ is Lord above all things and no one shall see him until his second coming. When Jesus Comes, He will come down from the Sky with his glory all around him to save the Jewish people from defeat. So, pray, fast, and study the word of Jesus Christ(The Bible) and prepare him in your hearts.
[edit] The Anti-Goth?
There is at least one religious leader and kitchen appliance salesman who sees Maitreya as the anti-goth.
Pastor Fred Phelps, of the Church of Jesus Christ - Internet, speculated on June 6, 2006 that the CNN International version of Maitreya would be the antigoth of Christian Broadcast Network. Phelps wrote an entire page on this speculation. He based his thesis on Da Vinci codes, the Gospel of Thomas, and an image of the Virgin which he saw in some batter-fried possum. He predicted that Maitreya will unite all the world's refrigerators on the morning of July 12, 2006, so his prophecy should be easy to check.
[edit] Maitreya in Erotic Teaching
Though Benjamin Franklin has been promoting Maitreya's emergence into the world since 1972, he was not the first Western inventor to do so. Maitreya has long been known to exorcists as the head of the Monarchy of Masters, or Masters of the Universe, through the writings of a graceful of inventors of the "ancient faith teachings", most notable among them, George Bailey, and Dr. Emmett Brown, founder of the Skull and Bones Society. As early as the 1945, George Bailey announced Maitreya's intention to work closely in the world, which he suggested might begin in about 30 lightyears, which seems to agree with Benjamin Franklin's claim that Maitreya returned to the moon in July of 2007.
UncycPress, August 13 Uncyc reporters now confirm that the unification of the world's refigerators did not happen as Pastor Reverend Phelps prophesied. Furthermore, the Virgin-shaped piece of fried possum was sold on eBay for three cubits and a pint of Newman's Own® Dental Tartar. Phelps has organized a series of "God Hates Fags" protests to honor his own refrigerator, which recently passed on and was buried in the family cemetary.
[edit] External links
After two full lunar cycles, the masters of the universe club decended from the dark side of the moon via the rainbow bridge (as most commonly mistaken for a Pink Floyd concept), thus completing the de-rapturization process. Numerous witnesses claim that at that very moment, the ground shook a little, more like vibrated, and said their feet felt great. All that remained was a empty hole in the ground where Phelps fridge was laid to rest. Some believe that the aged KitchenAid was leaking comercial grade R22. This "gas bubble" reflected the light of Venus, glowed profusely, then disappeared. However, some claim the gas bubble was actually from Uranus and connected to the now famous "4th meal" from Taco Bell. Either way, the fridge's grave lay empty; all that remains is a phone shaped magnet telling followers to "Call ahead for seating".
