Maine

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Some people say Maine is one of the constituent 50 states of the United States of America. However, since Maine is not mentioned in the Bible, it does not actually exist. Anyone claiming to be have visited or be from Maine is actually a god-hating athiestic scientist who believes in the evil lie of evolution. Please note that all information below is nothing but foolishness, and reading it will result in your loss of faith and hatred from God.

History

Maine was once part of Massachusetts, but upon realizing that they were far better than the "Massholes" promptly became their own state in 1820. Massachusetts took this, and the use of "Masshole" as a personal blow, and to this day still attempt to plague Maine with their terrible driving and obsessive leafpeeping.

For several years the entire population of Maine was over the age of 65 and couldn't talk about anything except how important it was to go keep the (heretical) church alive. Then a bunch of lesbians moved to Portland, some Somalians moved to Lewiston, and things got a little out of hand. Now Maine is comprised of even older people, plus some young art students who aren't recognized for how talented they are, and several awful, awful tourists with anchor insignias on their Booth-Bay sweatshirts with elastic around the waist and wrists.

After the 2000 election, most Mainahs became quite disgruntled with the USA, and stated that "if that dumb hick gets elected again, I'm movin' to Canada!" After the results of the 2004 elections, they realized that moving to Canada would require too much effort on their part, so they decided that since most of them hated the USA by this point, they'd just secede from the whole damn nation and become their own country. It has the best lobster ever!

The Idaho Potato Raid

Maine takes pride in its potato production, despite the fact that the potatoes are inedible and vastly inferior to Idaho potatoes. Unable to convince local supermarkets to sell them, governor Angus King came up with the idea of sending Maine potatoes to Zimbabwe to feed the hungry. However, even they refused to touch the potatoes and so at present all potatoes grown in the state of Maine are simply harvested and thrown away.

During the month of August in 1995 (one of the rare months in state history when it wasn't numbingly cold) Mainahs became fed up with ths situation and attempted to cross breed blueberries, the one food that actually grows moderately well in the state, with their potatoes. This resulted in an astoundingly disgusting mixture that was only comparable in nastiness to one other failed cross breeding attempt, which was a 1975 attempt to mix carrots, beans, marijuana and poison ivy. Maine threw a tizzy-fit and invaded Quebec, but that's of no relevance whatsoever.

The National Army Of Terrorist Goldfish teamed up with Maine's army (A group of 25 hicks armed with pitch forks as weapons and riding either cows or moose)and shot potato guns at everyone who ever grew a potato in the state of Idaho (which is everyone, because they're too stupid to do anything else.)

Everyone in Idaho died, and Jesus got mad because the local Burger King in heaven shut down. He gave all the Mainahs herpes. In the bible, it states that Jesus said, "SCREW YOU, MOOSE LOVING WEED FARMERS!" before giving them sex slaves. When the farmers returned to Maine, they were welcomed by armies of fat hicks who missed their precious Idaho potatoes from Burger King.

Now they take their Maine potatoes and make Vodka and all the drunks and couch potatoes are very happy. Fat and happy. And drunk. Fat, happy, and drunk.

Economy and Tourism

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Maine.

As of February 30th 2009, the Democratic People's Republic of Maine is faring quite well. Their currency, the "dollah" is steadily rising in the world market, having passed the American Dollar during their first year. They limit tourism, only letting tourists into the state long enough to buy things in gift shops and get lost on the way to local beaches, after which they close off the state, enjoying it for themselves until the next year. This, of course, has made Maine an even more desirable tourist location, and they usually reach their goal by the 4th of July. An exception to this policy is made for the Cornwall crew. This crew is an elite singing group from montreal. once a year they make a daring midnight raid into Maine to consume large amounts of drugs as well as steal mass quantities of merchandise.

Maine's economy is dependent on its three largest sources of revenue: logging, fishing, and traffic cops giving tickets to unsuspecting tourists for such reckless violations as going 57 in a 55 zone, failing to turn their headlights on during cloudy days, and driving a mere 400 feet behind school buses instead of the legally mandated 500 feet. These rules are only enforced against out-of-staters, as state residents would go insane if they had to follow them. So beware: there could be a guy going 87 in the breakdown lane next to you while chatting on a cellphone, but if you're not from Maine, you're the one that's going to get pulled over. Tourists and Maine's police agree this is unfair and have joined forces to complain about the situation; and Governor Baldacci has proposed a plan to solve the problem by setting up tollbooths at the border and automatically writing tickets for anyone attempting to enter without a Maine state license plate.

Geography

Geographically speaking, Maine has all that you could ever want; mountains, ocean, lakes, forests, and even a small desert. Many tourists are drawn to the state for its forests (the latest studies show an astounding 140% of the land is forested) and its wildlife, as both are things that most Americans are utterly unfamiliar with. Moose, rabid canadian and deer are a common sight, as well they should be, as they outnumber the human population. Moose are actually considered garden pests, and most hardware stores in the state sell Moose Repellent. Also common are lobstah, which can be seen in pots and on plates in nearly every restaurant. Maine is also known for having so many mosquitoes ( the national Bird) it is often impossible to see where one is going when walking outside. Plus, the Maine mosquitoes are known for their impressive size: about twice as big as a turkey. When you drive into the city, you see lotsa high-powered computers, but that's the part of Maine that, if you're an under 18 tourist, your parents don't stop there, but instead they want to save time in getting to your old, crazy uncle who lives in the Northern pahts who has a computer that's so old that you have to sacrifice a goat in order to turn them on. Aroostook county is home to a number of Maine Black Fly farms; considered livestock by residents. They are very small but have been known to carry off small children. Most importantly, it ain't quite the end of the earth but you can almost see it from heyuh.

Climate

Maine enjoys a well balanced climate, ranging from temperatures of about 60 degrees below zero during the winter to 60 degrees above zero during the summer. Temperatures in the 70s are cause for statewide panic, while those exceeding 80 will likely kill off the weaker Mainahs.

In the winter, snow and ice can pose extreme danger to anyone unfamiliar with Maine winters. Snowfalls usually amount to 30 total feet each winter, and people left outside during a Nor'eastah commonly freeze to death, despite their thick Maine skins. Snow usually remains until late May, and the first snowfall of the year is commonly in late September.

People outside of Maine call Maine's winters " FUCKIN' COLD!!! ".

Miscellany

Maine is well known for it's attitude of supremacy over anyone not from Maine, it's disdain for anyone "from away" and it's inhabitant's curious tendency to replace the letter "r" with an "ah" sound when they talk. People not from Maine are commonly called "flat landers" even though most of the populated sections of Maine (namely around Portland and the mid-coast) are flat. This is because Mainahs are jealous of the people who live in Vermont.

Maine is also known for having one of the shallowest gene pools in the nation being rivaled only by Kentucky with the District of Rhode Island falling just behind Maine. Many towns in the state are populated by only 3 families despite the fact that the town may have a population of more than 2000. Expeditions into some of these towns have shown that the leaders of families are determined to keep their blood line pure to ensure that their strong family traits of bad teeth, stringy hair, disproportioned women lasts for all time. Evidence of inter family breeding can be found however. During the last expedition to Chelsea Maine members of the Strout family, Thompson family and the other Thompson family call out members from all of these families as being their cousins. It is now believed that this town is in fact only populated by one family that branched into different sub families during the brief Chelsea civil war in 1989.

Mainahs delight in leading tourists astray, ("ya can't git dere from he'ah" being a common response to a tourist asking a native for directions) and generally making things difficult for them. Many Maine towns and landmarks are given difficult names for this exact purpose.

Ironically, most Mainahs have a powerful liking for the Boston Red Sox, despite their long standing hatred of everything else having to do with Massachusetts. In a related vein, anyone openly expressing their support of the Yankees (or lack of support of the Red Sox) will be publicly lynched.

You know you're from Maine if

• You try and drive a truck on 1/2 inch ice in the middle of a nor'eastah
• A man dying of old age is front page news
• you play paintball with squirrlls
• The school standards are 50 = well Done 30 = Your getting there 10 = It's okay, as long as you can fish
• You get all excited when someone says "Maine" on the national news
• You flip off a "Masshole" everytime you see one
• You have to cross a lake or go over a mountain to get to a friends house
• Everything is considered "edible"
• When every thing is described as "wicked"
• You go to Florida every summer
• Road kill = Dinner
• You have ever played "Tree Climbing"
• You have been swimming in the cold ass atlantic ocean in the middle of winter
• You have intentionally given a tourist false directions.
• You want a nickel for every pothole you hit.
• You lied about the size of a deer or a fish.
• You have friends from away that have mistaken the neighbors lawn for a yard sale.
• You know how to pass a pulp truck.
• You plan your vacations around the first day of hunting season.
• You know how to completly eradicate all the meat from a lobstah with in 3 minutes
• You have been skiing on Sugarloaf Mt. when it was 10 degrees in shorts and a t-shirt because it "has warmed up alot"
• You believe opening day of fishing season should be a holiday.
• You only buy a newspaper once a year to check the moose lottery.
• You got shit faced in the Old Port.
• You paid more for your snowmobile than your truck.
• You know fishin' aint fishin' without Maine Black Fly's.
• You actually know Martha, and Bert.
• You laugh every time you see a piece of crap car that climbed Mt. Washington.
• You got run over by a Whitetail deer.
• You know someone addicted to BEENO.
• You believe the Christmas lights will thaw loose by May.
• You know why heading north is going 'down Maine' and heading south is going 'up Maine'.
• The only baseball caps you own have nothing to do with baseball or any sport for that matter, just LL Bean or John Deer.
• You know how to say Bah Habah.
• You've had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.
• You call four inches of snow "a dusting."
• You don't understand why there aren't fried clam shacks elsewhere in the county.
• You know what an Irving is and the location of 15 of them.
• You knew all the flavors at Perry's Nut House.
• Your teething toddler has more teeth than you do.
• Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in May.
• You can drive the Augusta traffic circle without slowing down.
• You've hung out at a gravel pit.
• You think a mosquito could be a species of bird.
• Your understanding of the national debt was something you partially consumed at Governors.
• You once skipped school and went to Bar Harbor, Old Orchard Beach or Reid State Park.
• It takes at least 45 minutes to get to the nearest store or gas station.
• Even your school cafeteria made good chowdah.
• You've almost fallen asleep driving between Houlton and Presque Isle.
• You know how to pronounce Calais.
• You've made a meal out of a Jordan's red dye hot-dog, a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips and a can of soda.
• You've gone to a Grange bean supper.
• In high school, you (or a friend) packed Deering Ice cram cones.
• You can find your car, after the plow covers it.
• You know the toothbrush was invented in Bangor because if it were invented anywhere else they would have named it a teethbrush.
• At least once in your life, a seagull pooped on your head.
• At least once in your life you've said, "It smells like the mill in here."
• There's a fruit and vegetable stand within 10 minutes of your house.
• You crave Italian sandwiches at least weekly.
• Your house converts to a B&B every July and August for people from away that you happen to know.
• All year long you're tracking sand in the house-from the beach in the summer and the roads and sidewalks in the winter.
• You have to have the sand cleaned out of your brake system every spring.
• You do the majority of your shopping out of Uncle Henry's.
• You've ditched the car on the side of the road somewhere because you thought you saw some good fiddleheads!
• You know a lobster pot is a trap, not a kettle.
• You know not to plant tender crops until the last full moon in May.
• You go to the dump and bring back more than you brought.
• You've watched "Murder she Wrote" and snickered at the stupid fake accents.
• You know how to find the rope swing at the quarry.
• You take the New Hampshire toll personally.
• You always wave when you see a Maine license plate in another state.
• When you're supposed to dress up, you wear flannel with a tie.
• There's too much "stuff" in your 2 "cah" garage to get either of your cars into it.
• You know what a frappe is.
• L.L. Bean's not just a store, it's a way of life.
• "The City" means exclusively Portland.
• "Salt damage" is a viable insurance claim.
• All of the traffic lights blink yellow at 10 o'clock at night.
• It's not a storm - it's a Nor'eastah.
• "Open 24/7" might as well be Greek.
• More stores have "Bienvenue" flags than "Welcome" flags.
• You eat ice cram with flavors like 'Moose Tracks" and "Maine Black Bear".
• You know that a chocolate doughnut is not a white doughnut with chocolate frosting.
• You wouldn't eat beans in tomato sauce or Manhattan clam chowder if you were starving!
• As a child, you played outside in a snow storm without hat, mittens, scarf and with your jacket open because it was just a little cool.
• The area around your back door is referred to as "the dooryard".
• You eat potato chips with flavors such as "clam dip", "ketchup" and "dill pickle".
• You call the basement "downcellah." (Well - Mom does. )
• There is only one shopping plaza in town.
• You use "wicked" as a multipurpose part of speech.
• Your pickup has more mud on it than the ground around it for a 15 foot radius.
• More than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
• You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.
• If your "luxury vehicle" is a twelve-year-old rustbucket on wheels.
• If your dog eats better than you do, and more often too.
• If you never say what you paid for an item but how much you "give" for it.
• You know for a fact that Greek gladiators have reincarnated, and play for the Lewiston MAINEiacs
• Every ice cream cone you order comes with a free bottle of mosquito repellent.
• You love Slurpees, but you know the location of only one 7-11: in Portland.
• You know all the back roads to the Fryeburg Fayuh.
• You know for a fact, you kin git theyuh frum heyuh, ayuh.
• If you're old enough, you remember how scenic it truly once was.
• You frequent Becky's Dinah, especially at 4:30AM to hang out with all the fishermen.
• You don't use a pansy-ass brush to get the snow off your cah after a noreastah, you use a BROOM.
• You know where "The county" is.
• When you think of an air conditioner as just a big box fan in your window.
• You are reading this page now, who else would bother?

See Also

Wild Blueberry Land, Maine's premier tourist attraction

Bangor, ME, Some submissions here contributed by Bangor, ME. Local stuff, ayuh.