Today's featured article
Heartbeat 2012 is a spin-off from the popular-with-the-elderly ITV hit series Heartbeat. The writers and producers of the Heartbeat series hoped that dragging the series out of the sixties and into the near future would give it a new lease of life and hopefully “get with” the next generation audience they needed to survive. Unfortunately the series was axed last minute after the real residents of Ashfordly (rather fiecely) deemed it “unrealistic” and “too exciting”. What follows is the script from episode three (of six), the only thing salvageable from the recently torched studio.
Scene 1: Int. Police Station – day.
The police station is very quiet as the camera pans across an empty desk revealing NATHAN SOFTWOOD, a young policeman, listlessly drawing knobs in the margin of a report. The phone rings and Nathan jumps sending his pencil clattering to the floor. He looks at the phone like he’s unsure wither or not to bother answering. Eventually he picks up the receiver.
- Nathan: Hello?... You need everyone down there immediately? There’s a RIOT!? FANTASTIC – I’ll be right there! I, mean yes, sir, it’s awful. Right away, sir. (more...)
Yesterday's featured article
Daikaiju Gojira—also known by his on-screen moniker Godzilla—was a giant radioactive mutant dinosaur, and was one of Japan’s foremost film stars for nearly half a century. On the screen, Godzilla was known for his legendary acting range: he could play anything from an evil giant mutant dinosaur to a benevolent giant mutant dinosaur to an antiheroic giant mutant dinosaur, and everything in between. Off the screen, Godzilla was known for his brooding and often complex personal life. Of note are the friendships he forged with many of his costars (most notably Rodan, Anguirus and King Ghidorah); his tumultuous and sometimes rocky relationship with female costar Mothra; and his infamous radiation addiction, which finally cost the monster his life in 1995.
Daikaiju Gojira was born to a small family of modest means on Lagos Island on May 31st, 1934. His father—a fellow Godzillasaurus—worked as the island’s alpha predator, catching and killing wild boars to maintain his family. Godzilla’s childhood was typical of other surviving dinosaurs. However, in 1944, Godzilla had his first encounter with humankind. In his autobiography—simply titled Gojira: My Song (Toho Press, 1992)—he reflects: (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that James Bond fought for our freedom on numerous occasions, yet not one single day is set aside in his honour?
- ...that "Ye" was Citizen Kong's pet name for his extra-favorite personal yo-yo, which he left back on Skull Island, completely forgot about, and then just remembered one split second before the planes got him?
- ... that every time you stifle a sneeze, the force of the sneeze cannot simply disappear from existence? It must manifest elsewhere, often causing a small creature to explode or a chef’s hat to fly off into the air!
- ...that the less known about sexual innuendo, the better?
- ...that Did You Know is
slightly broken at the moment actually working fine right now?
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In the news
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- Oscar-winning actor Karl Malden is the new Grim Reaper. (Pictured)
- Some old guy died, or something (ask your parents)
- Farmers in despair as their cattle evolve
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On this day...
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July 5: X Day
- 334 BC - Masturbation is accidentally invented by Plato in Athens. His diciple Aristoteles is later declared "Master of his domain"
- 1687 - Isaac Newton (pictured) discovers gravity after being hit on the head by a falling fig.
- 1689 - After outbreak of falling fruit, Isaac Newton officially changes gravity to 7.
- 1946 - The bikini is introduced in Paris, France. Later, no bikini atoll was the trend.
- 1967 - The first kidney transplant to be made entirely of lego bricks ends in tragedy
- 1998 - Aliens fail to turn up and fry everyone to a pink crisp.
- 1999 - Again, the aliens miss the due date.
- 2000 - Yet again, the aliens fail to meet their contractual obligations.
- 2001 - Cultists get seriously pissed off with yet another no-show.
- 2002 - Kooks consider taking legal action against missing aliens.
- 2003 - Aliens turned up, but not the right aliens. Bloody mocking tourists.
- 2004 - No one turns up because no one expects the aliens to. And, yup, they didn't.
- 2005 - If you are reading this, the aliens did not turn up for the 8th year running.
- 2005 - Longest fart in world history. Produced by AMB.
- 2006 - That's right, still no aliens.
- 2006 - Zombies become extinct.
- 2007 - Deal or No Deal? The aliens decide to take the money and not show up - again!
- 2155 - Aliens almost turned up.But missed a left due to wrong directions and landed on Venus.
- 2156 - Aliens turn up and land in Tokyo but flee due to a Gundam Statue that lit up at night.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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