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Today's Featured Article -

Recently featured: Box-spring

Yesterday's Featured Article - Box-spring

Lost in bed

A box-spring (or divan in the UK, where they don't use such common vulgarities as box) is a type of bed base. These are generally designed to give the general approximation of comfort while in the store testing the bed, but are designed to cause discomfort from the moment of installation within a home.

The construction of these nominally entitled beds typically consist of a wooden frame, covered in dust mite friendly cloth, and containing what are referred to as bedsprings. These bedsprings are tested against several criterion, known colloquially as the "four c's". These are: (more...)

  • Clarity
  • Carat
  • Color (or colour in the UK, where extraneous vowels are the preferred norm).
  • Cut
  • Certificate
Most wire coils contain some inner flaws (or inclusions in the UK), that occur in the manufacturing process. Highly skilled manufacturers work on adding these in an extremely calculated manner. The purpose of these is to allow the bed to have an initial softness or "comfort" factor, but due to these inclusions the springs will quickly weaken, deform, snap, or generally just become completely screwed up. Hairline fractures hat occur laterally along the direction of the spring are highly sought (or "saught" in the UK), along with air bubbles in the spring itself.(more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Disney, featured on 4 September 2012. See the featured version.
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously, featured on 4 September 2011. See the featured version.
Nancy Drew, featured on 4 September 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

*...verb noun preposition article verb noun?
  • ...that The Oldest Trick in the Book is the infamous "Tapping on a person's left shoulder when you're standing on their right"? This trick was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia.
  • ...that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
  • ...that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
  • ...that I am a schizophrenic?
    • ...and so am I?
      • ...me too?
        • ...shut up Frank, you're not even supposed to be here today.
  • ...that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?

In the news

On this day...

September 4: Unnecessary Surgery Day
  • 30 - The Original Artists release album "20/20: The 20 Greatest hits from the 20's"
  • 1427 - Katie Price formed by sending an electric current through plastic. Generally seen to be a lousy idea.
  • 2003 - Al Gore has an aditional nose surgically attatched to his back, thus letting him smell his own farts.
  • 1834 - Vlad Drakul cancels newspaper subscription.
  • 1952 - Colonel Potter tries to take out Lt. Radar O'Riley's appendix, only to discover after making an incision that it's already out.
  • 1954 - In the only such instance in recorded history, your mom lost weight.
  • 1971 - Elvis gets a paper cut.
  • 1972 - Elvis gets a paper clip.
  • 1975 - A distant relative of a famous musician accidentally stumbles in front of an oncoming taxi cab, but the car stops, and he survives.
  • 1980 - John Denver hits the snooze button.
  • 1983 - Michael Jackson nearly dies of food poisoning after eating 12-year-old nuts.
  • 1984 - Pop star Prince has a second penis surgically attached. Millions think he's a gimp. Millions more just think it is so he can go and fuck himself. A recent internet video proves this.
  • 1985 - Cary Grant finds his bedside table has a small crack on one of the legs.
  • 1994 - An Ace Of Base song is released. The subsequent decontamination process takes 15 years to complete.
  • 1996 - Pop star Prince (or whatever the fuck he's called now) has a third penis surgically attached.
  • 1997 - Prince succesfully sues his surgeon for giving him the penis of an impotent man, claiming it has given his other two penises "performance anxiety". Nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. Again.
  • 2005 - Steve Irwin kills a stingray in a boating accident while 5 times over the drink drive limit.
  • 2006 - Steve Irwin is murdered by a stingray. Police say it was an accident and the stingray isn't charged.
  • 2050 - Australians finally stop referring to Steve Irwin as a great bloke/battler/fighter/true Aussie and generally agree he was a bit stupid.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

Grue crossing

The Grue Crossing signs have proven to be an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.

Image Credit: Kaizer the Bjorn
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Writer and Noob of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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