The Declaration of Gin-Dependence is an historically meaningless piece of parchment signed by thirteen of the foremost town drunks in a local tavern on the outskirts of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, just before the outbreak of the American Revolution. It is just like the famous Declaration of Independence except that it was signed in a pub by a small group of inconsequential, inebriated alcoholics rather than by dozens of the foremost citizens and statesmen of the American Colonies in a formal house of government. The two Declarations are also exactly alike except that the Declaration of Gin-Dependence hinges on irrational fear and mental impairment caused by physiological substance addiction, as opposed to impaired judgment and irrational fear caused by exposure to taxation without representation. Other than that, they have nothing in common.
All thirteen of the habitual drinkers who signed the Declaration of Gin-Dependence were part of the regular crowd that gathered every evening at Tom's Alehouse just off the Quaker Turnpike. At nine o'clock on a Saturday night early in 1776, each of the thirteen men drank two bottles of gin and began arguing over civil rights while projectile-vomiting. Their mood became increasingly dark as they succumbed to an alcoholic paranoia of the British (more...)
Yesterday's Featured Article - Hammurabi
MC Hamma Hammurabi was the first king of the Babylonian Empire who also had an esteemed rapping career. Under his rule, the kingdom of Babylon stretched from the sunny beaches and strip bars of the Gaza Strip to [[Kuwait|the place where they have a whole piggy bunch of oil. Unfortunately, Hammurabi did not live long enough to enjoy any of the revenue earned from sales.
Hammurabi was born into a humble abode in Babylon in 1810 BC. His mother De-Mi was a hand-skilled Mesopotamian sex toy worker and father, Sin-muballit ('Paddy'), who was the Mayor (then Absolute God-King) of Babylon . 'Paddy' was also a great dirty Two Rivers dancer and wanted to show 'Hammy' some of his feet tripping skills. Hammurabi learnt his father's dance moves but also found he had a natural talent for mimicking, which took root when he imitated the sounds made by birds and less tunefully, the local mud brick builders. From that point onward, Hammurabi would continue to practice his rapping skills, annoying his neighbors in the process. At the age of 18, Hammurabi inherited the throne (and dancing shoes) from his father, and learned of the wars going on between the other Joint kingdoms over microphones, farmland, and ear wax.
Did you know...
- ...that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (pictured)
- ...that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
- ...that a broken clock is correct twice a day?
- ...that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
- ...that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ...that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ...that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
In the news
On this day...
December 4: e-nternashonal Badt Ingrish Daiye
- 1999 BC - l337 5p3ak 15 kr34t3d
- 39 - Al-Gorirra e-nvants da eenterned
- 50 - ikzackly 21 yeers efter Al-Gorira eenvintid zum eenterned, sumwon joopt NickedSrev, und das stratted der ifNet vvs. IRC|IRACnet. Menny moad 'em daee in da bat-less.
- 1697 - Breetneyish proofessoor koyn fraze : "De raheen een Spaheen stais maheenley ahn tha plaheen."
- 1776 - Da You-S de-feat Ingrand een Teh Wor off Eendie pen dance
- 1918 - Wootroow Weelsoon, taht vas zum presidant zum der Ooonitid Steeeets, goeing tu Verseis en sa-id sheep too speek off piss toks vith teh kontrees, hoo fuight en WWW1.
- 1951 - Generel Mcarther deliverz hees "Oold Soldjers neffer dye, dey jaast faid aweigh" speajh tew Kongress
- 1963 - Marteen Looter Keeing deeClaires "Wen wee lett fureedum rin', wen wee ledt eet rin' fum evrie veeleij adn evrie hams, fum evrie steit adn evrie sitty, wes gots'ta bee eible t'spiid dauwn dat daiye wen oll uh Gutt's cheeldrun, bruthas doodes adn haunky menn, Jawas adn Gentailles, Prostatetants adn Cat-o-holics, gots'ta bee babble t'joyn hans adn crapp inn de wo'ds uh de ould Nee grow spyrittual, "Phree utt lust! Raiyt owng! Phree utt lust! Raiyt owng! Dank Gutt All mitey, wii iz phree utt lazt! Raiyt Owng!"
- 1978 - Warld's ferst dees-eyeble porking spays creeaytedd.
- 1993 - Frank Zappa's reported death occurs.
- 1999 - Sum idyot furst zpealls "owned" vronglee ass "pwned"
- 2001 - Oustraleeuhlund beets Nu Z-lya ein Tset Circket.
- 2004 - Georgio Dubya Bousch got re-eelickted. Phool mii wans, schaim un mii... uh... ya won phool mii twies! No moore eeliction pour Bousch.
- 2006 - Und Jeebus sayd undo da poepple, "Whoom doo yoo tink eye am?", und da poepple repped, "You are the exhiological replication of our being, the vast immiturication of a higher homosapianism, the essence of zoology.", und Jeebuz sez, "Eh?"
- 2007 - en soviate ruzia gramarz badz youz!
- 2010 - Rick James comes back to life, gets 100 kilos of cocaine, then vanishes.