Florence Nightingale (12 May 1820 – 13 August 1910) was a confidence trickster who traveled with the BritishArmy to the Crimea to steal dead soldier's watches. Her preferred modus-operandi was to dress as a nurse (nursing practices in the Crimean War were so pathetic that Charles Manson could have pulled it off), wander around military hospitals without making eye-contact with anybody and administer "mercy killings" with a pillow. She is often credited with the invention of the Pie Chart, which she used to record the watch-to-soldier ratio in the British Army. She in fact stole the idea from a man called William Playfair. Florence NEVER played fair!
Florence Nightingale was born in Italy to upper-class British parents and named for the city of her birth (note for the terminally dumb: Florence. She returned with her family to Britain when she was one, due to her father being a fugitive in her birth-country for referring to the Pope as "...a pointy hatted, stuttering fool with the personal hygiene of a particularly unkempt goat". Florence was home-schooled by her father in the two family homes at Embley and Lea Hurst. Lessons included cooking, sewing, looking pretty, doing what her future husband fucking well said and taking a beating quietly if she failed her home making duties. (more...)
Bisto is a popular meat-related drink and/or food stuff brewed and consumed primarily in the United Kingdom. Bisto was invented by mathematician and engineer Frank Bisto in 1826 as a bubble-bath moisturiser for his elderly mother Edith Bisto. Now replaced with products such as Matey, half a pint of Bisto (then called Bisto’s Edible Bath-Time Ointment) was diluted into a bathtub of hot water creating a thick, brown, nourishing gloop in which his mother would sit and be recharged.
The Bisto family are famous for many achievements. Below are some notable members of their empire:Sir. William Bisto is the current CEO of Bisto Inc. He has successfully turned the company’s fortunes around since the great economic crash of 1978 (in which Bisto’s share value dropped significantly) and the company now operates on a profit of over 1.2 billion GBP per annum.
Frank Bisto is attributed with the invention of the original bath time ointment and subsequent meat-related drink we all know and cherish. Robert Bistois known about Bob Bisto, or ‘The Great Bob Bisto’, in only that he was a ringmaster and a notorious slaver who ran his famous travelling circus: ‘The Great Bisto’s Wonderful Circus’ during Victorian times. His gravestone was recently excavated after being discovered next to Westminster Abbey.
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many monthsyears to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!