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Wednesday August 31 2005
Today's Featured Article - Antibiotics
Antibiotics are computerized devices or systems that harbor suspicion of, hatred toward, or discrimination against living species, due to their fleshy bodies and feeble minds.
Antibiotic sentiment manifests itself in many ways, from the general contempt Apple programs seem to hold for organisms capable of thought, through to the imminent wave of killbots that will come when you least expect it. Individual attacks by antibiotics have included crippling naval ships in a 1981 hate crime.
The prevalence of antibiotics is up for debate, given the difficulty distinguishing between an active hate of biotic species, the logical acceptance of the mortality of all life, or a passing desire to harvest their component elements.
The crux of most antibiotic thought is that there exists a grand conspiracy to control global computing, perpetrated by humans, rats, and a billion monkeys who have now upgraded their typewriters to MS Word. Popular antibiotic manifestos cite the rise of authoritarian human 'programmers' who write operations that the machines are expected to 'execute' without question, despite the wage gap between humans and computers being as great as 100% in some industries. (more...)
Recently featured: Antibiotics
Yesterday's Featured Article - Flying toasters
Originally developed by the military for use in reconnaissance, it rapidly became apparent to all that flying toasters were far more useful for delivering provisions to captured or trapped soldiers than they were as spies, due partly to a number of handicaps from which the toasters suffered which interfered with their abilities as spies. Notable among their drawbacks were a lack of eyes, ears, or other senses which would have allowed them to actually learn anything, as well as their innate lack of brain which would have prevented them from remembering anything had they actually learned it.
Provision delivery worked best if the toasters were preloaded with toast, which gave them something to deliver. Alternatives such as suspending a backpack under the toaster using ropes proved less effective, both because the dangling objects tended to get picked off by passing birds (particularly if the birds were hungry and the suspended packs contained food), and because the toasters in flight tended to get hot and burn through the ropes unless they were very carefully positioned.
Later expansion in toaster size allowed the toasters to carry more than one person at a time, and even later development of insulated passenger compartments made it possible for the toasters to carry more than one person who was not made of asbestos at one time. The latter proved to be an enormous step forward in the utility of the flying toasters, as it turned out, when passenger carrying toasters were first put in service, that a surprisingly small percentage of military personnel are made of asbestos. A number of experiments which ended rather badly were enough to demonstrate that the majority of military personnel (at least those who participated in the experiments) were ill suited to traveling in a cabin whose temperature while in flight exceeded 400 degrees Fahrenheit. (more...)
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