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Revision as of 08:51, June 6, 2005

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Gary Coleman

Despite his darker skin tone and lack of facial hair, Gary Coleman has proven himself a worthy Burt Reynolds lookalike.
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Today's Featured Article

Today's Featured Article - The Doctor is IN

The doctor is in

The twin colossi of Psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, were two of a kind; bearded nineteenth century, middle European poop-obsessives. It is no surprise, therefore, that for many the standard image of the psychoanalyst is of a heavily accented pervert who assumes his own deviant sexual interest in his mother is universal. Had Jung and Freud been the only model of the Psychoanalyst it seems unlikely that the profession would ever have gained the high esteem that it holds today in modern USA. For that a more approachable, more wholesome, more American Psychoanalyst would be required. But who could fill the role?

Until the early 1900’s the only advice available to those several shots short of a piss-up was to pull themselves together and not make a scene (still the standard prescription for British sufferers of scrambled synapse syndrome). Following the publication of Freud’s masterpiece “Ihre Mutter” (Your Mom), however, the nation was awash with professionals expensively inviting you to blame yourself for your problems and to enrol yourself on a thirty month course of “talking therapy”. Who but the wealthy could afford bad advice at $100 an hour? The profession seemed about to founder when the late 1950s saw the arrival of Doctor Lucille Van Pelt, dispenser of bad advice for a mere five cents a session.

Despite a lack of formal qualifications beyond Grade School within years Van Pelt had diagnosed the mental issues of her fellow Peanuts co-stars and realised the pain behind the smiles of so many others who are paid to entertain us in the burgeoning cartoon industry. The Doctor was IN. (more...)

Recently featured: The Doctor is IN - Bluestocking

Yesterday's Featured Article - Bluestocking

Bluestocking01

The Bluestockings were a group of lesbians from the 18th century with foot fetishes who had a discreet code for recognising each other—wearing blue stockings—hence their society's title. Just like many other societies of the modern era, the group had certain criteria that were to be checked for and met during the prospective bluestocking's initiation ceremony: a prestigious education, literacy, a state of good birth, a substantial lot of money and some measure of political influence were always considered by the madams who admit new members, but these were not nearly as important as the possession of a vagina dentata, at least 10cm² of pubic hair, a sworn hatred of her husband, an apartment large enough to have an orgy in and a pair of blue stockings.

The founding of the society by "Queen of the Blues" Bessie Smith in 1748 was said to be a woman's answer to the ever-growing popularity of the Gentleman's Club, where respectable homosexual gentlemen would frolic and read newspapers. Other than doing dominatrix-related antics, the ladies would read the classics such as Virgil or Homer, discuss politics (local issues such as refuse collection lapses or corruption within the ranks of refuse collectors), and lament upon how awful Edward Gibbon was in the sack. (more...)

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More of the best of Uncyclopedia

Selected anniversaries

Oday

October 2: Orgasm Day

  • 1835 - The Texas Revolution begins where the Mexican soldiers attempt to disarm the people of Gonzales, Texas to stop them reaching orgasm, but encounter stiff resistance from a hastily assembled pornography stockpile.
  • 1870 - The Great Tomato War begins
  • 1876 - Six women are killed in test of first steam-powered vibrator. It's inventor, Havelock Schtumpf, is never seen again.
  • 1889 - In Colorado, Nicholas Creede strikes it rich during the last great orgasm boom of the American old west.
  • 1919 - US President Woodrow Wilson reaches orgasm and suffers a massive stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed.
  • 1924 - The Geneva Protocol is adopted as a means to strengthen the length of male orgasm.
  • 1949 - 500,000 male steel workers win improved retirement benefits, orgasms.
  • 1956 - The beginning of the great orgasm shortage.
  • 1966 - The orgasm shortage ends, around 2 billion people all orgasm at the same time, vibrating the earth closer to the sun by around 500 miles. Scientists predict a slow and steady increase in global temperature.
  • 1985 - I invent the orgasm. Repeatedly. With your mom.
  • 1986 - Your Mum jokes get old. Again.
  • 1995 - Someone in Paris orgasms. Rioting ensues.
  • 1996 - Furbies debut, eating the souls of the overpriveledged.
  • 2013 - Chuck Norris orgasms, man is wiped out.

Archived Anniversaries

In the news


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More Current Events

Did you know...

From Uncyclopedia's biggest morons:

  • ...that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection?(sorry Candace)


Read More

Writer of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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