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Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
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Today's Featured Article - HowTo:Fix a computer

Smashed-computer

Computers are marvelously complicated machines, and it is a wonder that they work at all. Unfortunately, because of this, your computer will likely stop working right one day. Maybe you're getting error messages. Maybe it runs slowly. Maybe it won't turn on. Maybe there's a raging fire billowing out from the side of its case. Essentially, it's not working like it's supposed to, and this is a problem.

But why spend big money taking it to a repair shop to be fixed by some barely-competent technician when you could just do it yourself? Fixing a computer may seem intimidating because of the amount of lights, whistles, and technological doodads you may find crammed into your typical computer. Using one is hard enough, let alone knowing how to fix it. Never fear though: you were smart enough to know how to get to Uncyclopedia, so fixing your Uncyclopedia display unit shouldn't be that much harder! Working up the motivation and confidence is the hardest part; it gets much easier from here on out, I promise.

There's a first time for everything, just like stapling toast to a wall. This will be a valuable learning experience for you. You're still probably distressed by your computer's misbehavior; take a minute to slowly inhale and exhale, or maybe go outside for a walk. Clear your mind to achieve the state of zen all great computer repair people use to pull off their magic.

Once you're sufficiently calmed down, brew up a big pot of strong coffee and chug it. You'll need the caffeine for the energy needed to make this work. And remember: you will be able to fix your computer! (more...)

Recently featured:

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Yesterday's Featured Article -

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured UnBooks:Psychedelic Rosie and Her Coat of Many Colors, featured on 5 September 2014. See the featured version.
The Future, featured on 5 September 2013. See the featured version.
HowTo:Become the king of pop, featured on 5 September 2012. See the featured version.
HowTo:Eat sand, featured on 5 September 2011. See the featured version.
HowTo:Understand Jersey Shore, featured on 5 September 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

*...that one person can change the world?

In the news

On this day...

Spacechickens

September 5: National Dance the Funky Chicken Day (Moldova)

  • 1698 - In an effort to move his people away from archaic customs, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on women and children with beards.
  • 1836 - Sam Houston's version of the Funky Chicken is chosen as the official dance of the Republic of Texas.
  • 1969 - Foghorn Leghorn takes some LSD
  • 1983 - King Kong's daughter, Stella Kovalski McKong is born. Stella quickly learns the chicken dance from chickens at a local farm.
  • 1984 - Prime Minister Bakka-Lakka Da'kka declares the People's Republic of Jerkmenistan free from Morongolian rule.
  • 1985 - Chickens go to a local disco dance party and gain popularity with their chicken dance.
  • 1992 - Vacationing group of retirees attacked by flock of angry chickens while dancing the Macarena.
  • 2006 - First Annual International Day to talk like a 80's metal singer. Millions attempting to imitate Ozzy Osbourne are instantly shot. Twice.
  • 2007 - In a bid to improve the Aerodynamic characteristics of his body, Asafa Powell amputates his nipples.
Colonization of the Week
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Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

Cool-wilde

Unable to reach Him by phone, Oscar Wilde took his seat in God's waiting room (also called purgatory). It is believed that he waits there to this day.

Image Credit: RadicalX
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Writer and Noob of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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