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Latest revision as of 19:03, August 21, 2014

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
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Today's Featured Article - Battle of Bosworth

Bosworth02

The Battle of Bosworth (22nd August 1485) is classified as the last ruckus in the War of the Roses. It saw King Richard III slain on the battlefield and his successor Henry VII proclaimed king by a patriotic army of mercenaries, Welshmen, Frenchmen, felons, traitors and turncoats. The battle was so famous that years later no one could remember exactly what happened, where it had been fought or whether it had been a good idea after all.

England in the 15th century had gone through a long struggle between rival groups of aristocrats who had nothing better to do but to argue about the colour of roses. Some said the red rose (of England) was more noble but others said white was purer. After some polite discussions, leading on to debates and finally fights - the issue had appeared to have been resolved when King Edward IV killed his rivals in 1471. The Whites or the 'Yorkists' won whilst the Reds (the Lancastrians) were broken and left only an itinerant Welshman called Henry 'Dai' Tudor as their standard bearer. Since there was a price on his head, Henry moved to a caravan park in Brittany where he lived with his uncle Sir Jasper Tudor ('Do Not Touch Me'). Jasper was also Welsh and a creep.

That should have been that for the Lancastrians but in 1483 Edward IV died whilst trying to row off his excess body fat in a fishing expedition. His son Edward became King Edward V but needed to have his fancy dress day out (a coronation) to be 'King in the eyes of God'. But Edward was still in short tights so a regent was required or 'protector' as the title was then called. (more...)

Recently featured: Nouvelle cuisine - Ad hominem

Yesterday's Featured Article - Nouvelle cuisine

Ncdiner

Nouvelle cuisine is the ideal answer when a restaurant becomes too popular. In these cases, the chef is worked off his or her feet trying to keep all those tables supplied with appetising, nutritious food. Increasing the prices may offer a temporary relief from the overpopularity of the eating-place, or it may instead create an atmosphere of quality and exclusiveness, thereby increasing customers further still. Switching from food to Nouvelle Cuisine helpfully reduces the number of customers to manageable proportions, without resorting to such unpopular or illegal measures as salmonella or e-coli.

No one single characteristic describes Nouvelle Cuisine. Rather, a combination of known attributes, when seen together, determine the style to exist.

  • Oversize plate: Nouvelle Cuisine dishes are invariably served on a plate at least three times the diameter required to hold the meal itself. Sometimes, the plate is so large that places must be double-spaced. The very large size of plate allows adequate free space, unencumbered with food, for the chef to demonstrate his or her artistic talent. It is also important that the plate is cold, preferably having been deep-frozen until a few minutes before serving. This coldness ensures that the customer has to eat-up quickly, thus freeing the table sooner.
  • Dusty eating surfaces: The plate, and any other surfaces carrying food shall be sufficiently dusty to create the impression of a possible hygiene concern. If plates do not remain unused long enough for natural dust to build up, then this may be substituted with flour, or in fact with any powdery material typically found in a kitchen. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured UnNews:Prof sues law school for bias against conservatives, featured on 24 October 2012. See the featured version.
Arecibo Message, featured on 24 October 2011. See the featured version.
5 Things Cracked Stole From Uncyclopedia, featured on 24 October 2010. See the featured version.
UnNews:Johnnys a big poopy, featured on 24 October 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Adrian Bors
  • ...that Pup is a cannibal? (pictured)
  • ...that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
  • ...that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins?
  • ...that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
  • ...that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?

In the news

On this day...

Evil villain

October 24: Evil Villian Appreciation Day, National Put The Ramones On at Full Volume And Piss Off The Neighbors Day, World Beauty Festival, Stupid Worthless Useless Day, Hooverville Appreciation Day.

  • 1867 - After mass revolt by the Australian and New Zealand governments, Harry becomes Guardian of UCT
  • 1889 - First recorded use of pure hearted maiden, strapped to railroad tracks, to attract a ransom; the deed, while dasterdly, merely attracts Royal Canadian Mounted Police who save the girl and thwart the plan
  • 1931 - Polish schoolboy Joseph Ratzinger is arrested for arson, rape and general troublemaking. The Pope declares this day an International catholic holiday.
  • 1941 - Hitler writes the lyrics of "Blitzkrieg Bop". Later becomes a hit song by The Ramones.
  • 1943 - Morroco becomes capital of evil villians; they are simply fed up to "here" with Hitler's needy personality
  • 1969 - Your second grade teacher, mean old Miss Masters takes away your favorite doll and holds it ransome; demands that you earn an "A" on your spelling test or "Dolly gets it"
  • 1977 - Habitat for Humanity contemplates rebuilding the Big Bad Wolf's house for charity. Instead decides on Euthanasia as a more cost-sensitive option.
  • 1984 - A science teacher from Great Yarmouth sends his class zipwiring down pylon wires, claiming a man who looked a spitting image of Osama Bin Laden told him to do so. It turned out to be the janitor. Incredibly, no-one was even injured and everyone cleared the zipline.
  • 2005 - Dick Cheney gets a dozen roses.
  • 2006 - George Bush holds Ramone concert; all of Canada kept awake until 3am
  • 2007 - Harry Potter 7 comes out -SPOILER: Voldermort idealised as upstanding being, wins Hermione's heart.In desperation Harry becomes gay.

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