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Latest revision as of 19:03, August 21, 2014

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
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Today's Featured Article - Dag Hammarskjöld

DH1956 2

Dag Hjalmar Agne Carl Hammarskjöld (Swedish: [dɑːɡ ˈhamːarɧœld]; pronounced like Zlatan IbrahimovićZlatan Ibrahimović nose) was a Swedish diplomat, author, demented pulverizer of troll torsos, and humanitarian. The second Secretary-General of the United Nations, and first to be half Norse-deity, Hammarskjöld served from the rise of the storm sun until his death in 1961 en route to cease-fire negotiations.

Hammarskjöld is often referred to as the benchmark against which later UN Secretaries-General are judged; in part for remaining politically independent throughout his tenure, although mostly for his ability to hammer deep into the New York soil any world leader who went more than 5 minutes over their allotted ranting time on the United Nations lectern. His calm style of mediation and his steady swinging shoulder are regarded as the greatest assets brought to the office by a Secretary-General, at least until Kofi Annan revealed his striking resemblance to Morgan Freeman.

He remains the only U.N. Secretary-General to die in office. However it is unclear whether transitioning to another cosmological level of the magnificent world-tree Yggdrasill counts as a human 'death'; Hammarskjöld was awarded a Nobel Prize posthumously, just in case.

The fourth and youngest son of Hjalmar Hammarskjöld — a former Prime Minister of Sweden — and FreyaGoddess of Fertility, Queen of the Valkyries and Custodian of Death — Dag had descended from a long lineage of Swedes devoted to the public service, diplomacy and suckling the Æsir Gods at Asgard. (more...)

Recently featured: Dag Hammarskjöld - Food

Yesterday's Featured Article - Food

BBQ Food

Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous, but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive. Most patients eat it every day.

Conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. As food is everywhere, the difficulty of avoiding it discourages many from following through with alternative treatments, and they go back to conventional doctors who rely on old-fashioned cutting, burning and slashing.

Avoiding food sounds deceptively simple: just don't eat it. But it's not as easy as it sounds. Food is an integral part of most modern diets; indeed most of us eat nothing else. But having something to eat is vital to survival, so the food must be replaced by something else.

But what? It is possible to survive without eating food if one drinks water. If one wants to eliminate such deadly toxins completely, however, water must be avoided as well. All water is chock-full of its own collection of nasties, and if you drink water instead of eating food you will not be any better off. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Sheep, featured on 28 December 2012. See the featured version.
Radical Republicans, featured on 28 December 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Malcolmx
  • ...that Malcom X absolutely loved Kentucky Fried Chicken? (pictured)
  • ...that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
  • ...that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
  • ...that censorship is a tactic practiced by oppressive governments who believe in upholding an arbitrary social standard for the so-called "good of the people" while simultaneously imposing their peremptory moral values on their unwilling populace by dictating what is and what is not necessary for them to experience?
  • ... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins?
  • ...that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ...that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!

In the news

On this day...

PrezNoid

December 28: Penis Appreciation Day (Not Lesbos), Day of the Not-so-Innocents (Spain, Portugal, South America)

  • 23 - Penis apreciation day invented by Jesus. Not realising his mate Judas and the entire roman army was less well hung he would regret it one day.
  • 1963 - Paul Hindemith's pancreas explode, killing him a second time and 36 others a first time as he flew over Lakewurst, New Jersey. The music community rejoices once more.
  • 2004 - Deciding they also liked Mondays superheroes planned a combined assault on Bob Geldoff. After an hour of the Hoff's singing and Mr T's pittying the devastating blow came when Darth Vader told Geldoff who his father was. This caused him to spontaneously combust all over Pauline Fowlers scowl.
  • 2006 - Uncyclopedians lose count at the sheer number of anniversaries with Penises in them.
  • 2007 - World economy goes into meltdown as penis appreciation day lasts until August 15th 2008. This only ends when lesbians attempt to seize control of the earth. Millions would die in the conflict
  • 2009 - It is rumoured that Bob geldoff will return to fight the final battle between good and evil one day. The Vatican, the CIA and Micheal Stipe all deny this.
  • 2072 - America elects its new Emperor, The Noid.

Today's featured picture

Formbygrill

Hee hee....turned out shite again? Try the George Formby Mean Lean on a Lamppost Grilling Machine, put a little ukulele in YOUR hand.

Image Credit: Hindleyite
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