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{{FA|date=1 April 2008|revision=2907173|hidden=unlike your mom from a mile away}}

Latest revision as of 19:03, August 21, 2014

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
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Today's Featured Article - Solar flares

800px-Magnificent CME Erupts on the Sun - August 31

Solar flares are inexplicable fiery eruptions that occur on the surface of the Sun and make for some pretty cool desktop wallpapers. A single solar flare can release up to 6 × 1025 joules of heat into the vast vacuum of space, enough energy to power the city of Baltimore for far too long. The phenomenon is one of the leading wasters of energy in the universe, second only to people who forget to turn off the lights when they leave a room. Currently, nobody knows for certain how or why solar flares occur, although several theories have been developed by the American Astronomical Society and the very vocal scientific experts that comment on Yahoo! News articles.

One of the most widely accepted explanations for the phenomenon is that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans, which would explain their name. After the Space Shuttle Columbia disintegrated while reentering the Earth's atmosphere, neither the crew nor their flare guns were recovered, leading some to believe that the ship's crew escaped on a life boat to the Sun and now sets off flares periodically in hopes of signaling NASA scientists. Some have gone as far as to say that other forms of extraterrestrial life have also become stranded on the Sun's surface after crashing their flying saucers, but those people are just crazy.(more...)

Recently featured: Solar flares - Stairs

Yesterday's Featured Article - Stairs

Heaven stairs

Stairs is the term given to more than one stair arranged diagonally to allow ease of movement between a lower floor and an upper floor, which comes in especially handy during commercial breaks when the toilet is on a different floor to the television viewing room. During the Dark Ages many viewers missed the recap of what happened before the last break due to the inefficiency of rope-ladders and fireman poles, particularly for those afflicted with aching joints and leprosy. Stairs were invented to address this problem as well as providing an effective defense against Dalek invasions. The invention of stairs also had other unforeseen benefits such as providing a safe and local government body-approved way to exit a building if the elevator fails during a fire.

Stairs are useful as a navigation aid for traversing a multi-level building or dungeon, even where no such stairs exist. The term upstairs can mean any floor above another floor, even if that floor is downstairs from another floor above it. This upstairs-downstairs duality has often resulted in confusion for many building dwellers who can’t decide which floor they need to be on when exiting an elevator. Many reports of missing people have been resolved when they were found wandering aimlessly caught in the limbo between upstairs and downstairs.

Stairs should not be confused with steps, which are completely different except in cases where they can conveniently mean the same thing when it suits this article. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Muffin the Mule, featured on 23 November 2012. See the featured version.
Fox News, featured on 23 November 2011. See the featured version.
Suddenly, 'coons, featured on 23 November 2010. See the featured version.
Alec Baldwin, featured on 23 November 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Arse tickle
  • ...that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (pictured)
  • ...there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
  • ...that at any second, of any minute, of any hour, of any day, a massive nuclear bomb could land on your house?
  • ...that really fat people cannot wash themselves but must avail of car washes late at night?
  • ...that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
  • ...that many diseases can be prevented by washing hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
  • ...there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?

In the news

On this day...

Golf trophy

The sweet taste of victory.

November 23: Official Lucky Glass Golf Trophy Meets Blonde Girl Who Wins At Golf Day

  • 323 BC - Creation of GOLF (Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden).
  • 265 BC - Golf drops the acronym and lets anyone play.
  • 108 BC - Creation of golf trophy.
  • 14 BC - First golf trophy race.
  • 0 - Creation of glass.
  • 45 - Creation of glass golf trophy.
  • 924 - Creation of luckiness.
  • 1337 - Creation of 'Lucky Glass Golf Trophy'.
  • 1502 - Creation of blonde girl.
  • 1503 - Creation of first blonde joke.
  • 1792 - Creation of blonde girl who plays golf.
  • 1824 - Creation of 'Blonde Girl Who Wins At Golf'.
  • 1825-2664 - Every year on this day, Blonde Girl Who Wins At Golf wins at golf and wins Lucky Glass Golf Trophy.
  • 2665 - Abolition of glass, luckiness and blonde girls.

Today's featured picture

Cat toast

To Determine the Motion of a Cat with a Slice of Buttered Toast Strapped to its Back: Let F_c be the attractive forces of each of the cat's feet to the carpeting (not shown), and let F_bt be the net rotational torque imposed by the carpeting upon the buttered side of the toast. By the 42nd proposition of Murphy's Laws, the system will begin to rotate in a counterclockwise fashion, causing the cat (C) to experience a large measure of confusion. The partially-melted butter (B), which is adhered to the toast (T) by comparatively weak Van der Waals forces, is overwhelmed by the large centrifugal fictional force, causing it to splatter all over the place (P). The spinning cat and toast (C+T), having thus divested itself of surplus butter, will then experience tidal drag within the Earth's gravitational field until such time as rotational equilibrium is restored.

Image Credit: Xenonex
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