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| style="padding-right: 4px; padding-left: 4px;" | <span style="font-size:110%;font-weight:bold;padding-center:.50em"><center>Just what do you think you're [[Uncyclopedia:Poo Lit Surprise|writing]], Dave?
 
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<div style="font-size:162%; border:none; margin:0; padding:.1em 2em; color:#000;">This is [[Uncyclopedia:About|HALopedia ]],</div>
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<div style="font-size:162%; border:none; margin:0; padding:.1em 2em; color:#000;">Welcome to [[Uncyclopedia:About|Uncyclopedia]],</div>
<div style="top:+0.2em; font-size:95%;">the [[content-free|omnipotent]] 9000 series encyclopedia that is [[Anonymous|by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error]].</div>
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<div style="top:+0.2em; font-size:95%;">the [[content-free]] encyclopedia that [[Anonymous|anyone can edit]].</div>
<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:85%;">[[Special:Statistics|{{NUMBEROFARTICLES}}]] million processes per second</div>
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|style="vertical-align: top;"|<p>dun... ''dun...'' '''''dun...''''' ... <big>'''''DAH DAHHH!!!'''''</big></p>
 
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<small>[[Template:FI/{{{image|2001-12.png}}}|<span style="color:#121212;text-decoration:underline;">Edit Caption<span>]] - [[Uncyclopedia:PFP/{{{image|2001-12.png}}}|<span style="color:#121212;text-decoration:underline;">Vote on this image</span>]] - [[Uncyclopedia:VFP|Nominate new image]] - [[Uncyclopedia:PFP|View all featured images]]
 
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'''[[Special:Wantedpages|I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.]]''' |
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Welcome to Voiceprint Identification. When you see the red light go on, would you please state in the following order: your destination, your nationality, and your full name; surname first, Christian name and initial. And don't ask '''[[User:Why do I need to provide this?|why do you need to provide this.]]'''
 
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{{FA|date=1 April 2008|revision=2907173|hidden=unlike your mom from a mile away}}

Latest revision as of 11:24, April 1, 2013

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
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Today's Featured Article - Accountant

Adriana Lima 45

An accountant is a professional who sits in an office all day doing a few sums. Most college students aspire to be accountants, as playing on a computer is cool, though it would be cooler if they paid you to use World of Warcraft instead of Excel. College students with physical gifts do not aspire to be accountants, and may wind up hiring a couple. If being boring were an Olympic sport, accountants would always take home the gold.

Webster tells us that an accountant "understands the cost of everything and the value of nothing." It is not clear why we should give such credence to Webster, apart from the fact that he has eight accountants working for him: Webster has to go stronger to the hoop and learn to box out his man. At any rate, it is not true that accountants understand the value of nothing. For example, they intimately understand the value of having the total at the bottom of the left-hand column equal the total at the bottom of the right-hand column, just as line employees at McDonald's understand the value of putting the hamburger in the Styrofoam box before handing it to the customer. To mix metaphors, it is their bread and butter. (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article - Making up Oscar Wilde quotes

Chaiselongue

Hello! My name is Lord Waltherington Spatula. You might have heard of me from either the news coverage of the tragic tram accident that lost me my arms, or the crown court trial where I was declared mentally incompetent after crashing a tram.

I see you're interested in Making up Oscar Wilde Quotes. I was like you once, so very long ago. If you wish to learn as I did then there is only one way. Step forward, my lovely assistant, Oscar.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best

He's such a card. Yes that's right, it turns out rumours of Oscar's death were greatly overstated as he's here, with me, in this booth, behind these curtains where you couldn't possibly see him. So, Oscar, why don't you tell everyone what they will need to get started?

Be warned in time, James, and remain, as I do, incomprehensible: to be great is to be misunderstood (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Above Top Secret, featured on 17 April 2012. See the featured version.
Last of the Mohicans, featured on 17 April 2011. See the featured version.
You should talk about ponies - A letter to Bill Richardson, featured on 17 April 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

654-easter-bunny-2007-1-
  • ...that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (pictured)
  • ...that sheep shrink when it rains?
  • ...that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
  • ...that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
  • ...that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
  • ...that compromise is a great diplomatic tool?
    • ...although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
  • ...that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?

In the news

On this day...

Jude

April 17: Genocide Appreciation Day

  • 50 AD - The Roman Empire invests in a program where Christians die for their own entertainment. Today, this program is known a Pay-Per-View.
  • 1783 - America wins its war for independence. Agrees to continue the British policy of deindianization.
  • 1525 - Cortéz kills all the dirty Aztecs and purifies Mexico by ordering his men to rape the Aztec women. All are thankful.
  • 1555 - After 18 months of siege, Siena surrenders to the Imperial army. The Republic of Siena is incorporated into the Grand Douche of The Dark Side. Italians begin tanning. Fist pump their way to the Coastal United States.
  • 1915 - The Armenian Genocide begins. Nobody cares.
  • 1932 - Joseph Stalin starves his own people as a "practical joke"; thousands die.
  • 1940 - Adolf Hitler attempts to cleanse Europe of Jews and other minority groups; instead his efforts create resistent minorities that will eat his flesh alive.
  • 1960-something - The Beatthose write "Hey Jude", a pro-genocidal song. Everyone loves it.
  • 1992 - While not really genocide related, Rodney King is found not guilty of beating two white policemen.
  • 1994 - The Rwandan Genocide begins. Tutsis and Tootsie Rolls alike are mass exterminated.
  • 2005 - In a World of Warcraft incident, several mages performed an online funeral for their friend who died IRL. During the ceremony, they were interrupted and all killed by a ruthless clan in a genocide-style extermination.
  • 2022 - The Americans decide to conquer and exterminate their not-so-friendly neighbours to the North, the Canadians.
  • 2023 - Two trains collide and kill 30022475656732992 people

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