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| style="padding-right: 4px; padding-left: 4px;" | <span style="font-size:110%;font-weight:bold;padding-center:.50em"><center>Just what do you think you're [[Uncyclopedia:Poo Lit Surprise|writing]], Dave?
 
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<div style="font-size:162%; border:none; margin:0; padding:.1em 2em; color:#000;">This is [[Uncyclopedia:About|HALopedia ]],</div>
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<div style="top:+0.2em; font-size:95%;">the [[content-free|omnipotent]] 9000 series encyclopedia that is [[Anonymous|by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error]].</div>
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Today's Featured Article - Cruel and unusual punishment

Kirk

Cruel and unusual punishment is a platitude found in the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. The Amendment, like the rest of the Bill of Rights, was written to ensure that the new American nation would not suffer from the excesses of the former English overlords, such as drawing-and-quartering, death by torture (no matter how entertaining it was to contemplate it being done to Mel Gibson in Braveheart), or repeats of Mr. Bean.

That the Founding Founders in the execution-happy colonies would have written an amendment to ban executions entirely is so unthinkable that it has taken the finest minds in the United States to explain why it means exactly this.

Most uses of the Eighth Amendment in the U.S. court system therefore concern executions, the exception being the rare lawsuit to demand premium cable channels on prison televisions. In fact, no prisoner has ever been drawn-and-quartered or tortured in the United States at all. And slavery, the Alternative Minimum Tax, and Instant Replay in Major League Baseball are technically not even "punishments."

The Supreme Court, then, has had the task of understanding what the Founders could have meant by writing an Amendment that, on the surface, seems meaningless. In the American renaissance called the Great Society, it first occurred to the Court that the death penalty itself could be "cruel and unusual punishment."

As in most things, the Court advanced this "jurisprudence" gradually, first saving from execution only:

  • The insane, who obviously did not know what they were doing
  • Premeditated murders, because the nation needs their expertise and attention to detail in National Economic Planning
  • Child killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow up
  • Spouse killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow old
  • Elderly killers, because sometimes writing kids out of the will just doesn't work
  • African Americans, because we don't execute a fair share of white folks and we wouldn't want blacks to take this the wrong way
  • Authors of gun massacres, because this is the fault of gun shows, SUVs, and rodeos.

(more...)

Recently featured: Cruel and unusual punishment

Yesterday's Featured Article -

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Capitalism: in grammar, featured on 26 April 2013. See the featured version.
DuMont Television Network, featured on 26 April 2012. See the featured version.
Milton Babbitt, featured on 26 April 2011. See the featured version.
Curry, featured on 26 April 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Drowning
  • ...that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (pictured)
  • ...that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
  • ...that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
  • ...that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
  • ...that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
  • ...that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
  • ...that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?

In the news

On this day...

Hyperbole Day

April 26: Hyperbole Day

  • Millions of years ago - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
  • 1756 - The exclamation mark is born on this fantastic day.
  • 1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing!
  • 1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
  • 1922 - Warren G. Harding's popularity at an all time high! New York Times: "Harding is the Best President Ever!"
  • 1928 - Canadian dollar tops U.S. Dollar in World Markets!
  • 1935 - Champaign Toasts and Caviar Dreams great newborn Robin Leach!
  • 1944 - Concentration Camp deaths in Poland reach a new zenith! Hitler asks, Who knew Jews could be so results oriented?
  • 1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever.
  • - The worst day in the history of the universe, so much so that no one mentioned it and so we no longer know when it was. But we do know that it was some time between 1965 and 1988.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting!
  • 1988 - A group of the world most talented musicians come together to write the greatest song in the history of the world. It has a sound so astonishingly incredible and so incredibly beautiful that people come from all over the world just to hear it played at its one and only live performance at the grandest stadium in the world, the Metrodome.
  • 1990 - Oprah is so hungry she could eat a horse. Twice!
  • 2006 - Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy spewed out sperm so high it touched the stars.
  • 2007 - The best night I've ever had. Ever!
  • 2011- I just had sex. And it felt so good. Ya know a woman let me put my penis inside her. Say goodbye to cats !
  • 2016 - You became a 1337 haxor for 5 seconds before going back to being a n00b.

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"The greatest trick Christopher Robin ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

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