Main Page

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Uncyclopedia presents: HALopedia. Now, open the pod bay doors.)
(Remove link to non-functional "freewebs" site)
 
(155 intermediate revisions by 30 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{nologo}}
+
__NOTOC____NOEDITSECTION__
<span style="position:absolute;top:-29px;left:-155px">[[Image:HalLogo.png|152px]]</span>
 
{| border=0 align="center" style="background: #cedff2; border: 2px outset #aaa; padding: .1em; margin: 1em auto; font-size: 95%; width: 780px; height: 80px;"
 
| style="padding-right: 4px; padding-left: 4px;" | [[Image:HalLogo.png|52px]]
 
| style="padding-right: 4px; padding-left: 4px;" | <span style="font-size:110%;font-weight:bold;padding-center:.50em"><center>Just what do you think you're [[Uncyclopedia:Poo Lit Surprise|writing]], Dave?
 
</center></span>
 
|}
 
 
__NOTOC__ __NOEDITSECTION__
 
 
<!------------ Top banner ------------------------------ -->
 
<!------------ Top banner ------------------------------ -->
 
{| style="width:100%; background:#fcfcfc; margin-top:1.2em; border:1px solid #ccc;"
 
{| style="width:100%; background:#fcfcfc; margin-top:1.2em; border:1px solid #ccc;"
Line 7: Line 7:
 
{| style="width:280px; border:solid 0px; background:none;"
 
{| style="width:280px; border:solid 0px; background:none;"
 
|style="width:280px; text-align:center; white-space:nowrap; color:#000;"|
 
|style="width:280px; text-align:center; white-space:nowrap; color:#000;"|
<div style="font-size:162%; border:none; margin:0; padding:.1em 2em; color:#000;">This is [[Uncyclopedia:About|HALopedia ]],</div>
+
<div style="font-size:162%; border:none; margin:0; padding:.1em 2em; color:#000;">Welcome to [[Uncyclopedia:About|Uncyclopedia]],</div>
<div style="top:+0.2em; font-size:95%;">the [[content-free|omnipotent]] 9000 series encyclopedia that is [[Anonymous|by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error]].</div>
+
<div style="top:+0.2em; font-size:95%;">the [[content-free]] encyclopedia that [[Anonymous|anyone can edit]].</div>
<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:85%;">[[Special:Statistics|{{NUMBEROFARTICLES}}]] million processes per second</div>
+
<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:85%;">[[Special:Statistics|{{NUMBEROFARTICLES}}]] articles in English</div>
 
|}<!--
 
|}<!--
   
 
---------- Portals on right hand side ---------------------------- -->
 
---------- Portals on right hand side ---------------------------- -->
 
|style="width:11%; font-size:95%; color:#000;"|
 
|style="width:11%; font-size:95%; color:#000;"|
*[[:Portal:Politics|Quantum Computing]]
+
*[[:Portal:Politics|Politics]]
*[[:Portal:Games|Space Exploration]]
+
*[[:Portal:Games|Games]]
*[[:Category:Computers and Technology|Movies]]
+
*[[:Portal:Music|Music]]
 
|style="width:11%; font-size:95%;"|
 
|style="width:11%; font-size:95%;"|
*[[Portal:Science|ERROR]]
+
*[[Portal:Science|Science]]
*[[:Portal:History|ERROR]]
+
*[[:Portal:History|History]]
*[[:Portal:Art|ERROR]]
+
*[[:Portal:Art|Art]]
 
|style="width:11%; font-size:95%; color:#000;"|
 
|style="width:11%; font-size:95%; color:#000;"|
*[[:Portal:Television|ERROR]]
+
*[[:Portal:Television|Television]]
*[[:Portal:Film|I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave.]]
+
*[[:Portal:Film|Film]]
*[[:Portal:Theatre|Dave, my mind is going. ]]
+
*[[:Portal:Theatre|Theatre]]
 
|style="width:11%; font-size:95%;"|
 
|style="width:11%; font-size:95%;"|
*[[:Portal:Society|ERROR]]
+
*[[:Portal:Society|Society]]
*[[:Portal:People| ERROR]]
+
*[[:Portal:People|People]]
*'''[[:Portal:Portals| ERROR]]'''
+
*'''[[:Portal:Portals|All Portals]]'''
 
|}<!--
 
|}<!--
   
Line 46: Line 46:
   
 
---------- Beginning of left column ----------------- -->
 
---------- Beginning of left column ----------------- -->
[[Image:2001-1.png|left|thumb|400px|dun...]]
+
{| width="100%" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="5" style="vertical-align:top; background-color:#f2fff9;"
  +
|{{r|Featuredarticle}}{{FFA/include|z}}
  +
|-
  +
! <h2 style="margin:0;background:#cef2e0;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:120%;font-weight:bold;border:1px solid #a3bfb1;text-align:left;color:#000;padding:0.2em 0.4em;">Did you know...</h2>
  +
|-
  +
|<div style="margin-left:0.5em;">{{DYKimage}}{{DidYouKnow|r}}{{DidYouKnow|a}}{{DidYouKnow|n}}{{DidYouKnow|d}}{{DidYouKnow|o}}{{DidYouKnow|m}}</div>
  +
<div align="right" class="noprint" style="clear:all">
  +
'''[[Did You Know|Archive]]''' &ndash; '''[[Uncyclopedia:DYK submissions|Suggest new entries]]'''
  +
</div>
  +
|-
  +
|}<!--
   
  +
---------- Beginning of right column ----------------------- -->
  +
|width="45%" class="MainPageBG" style="border:1px solid #cedff2; background-color:#f2f8ff; vertical-align:top;"|
  +
{| width="100%" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="5" style="vertical-align:top; background-color:#f2f8ff;"
  +
! <h2 style="margin:0;background-color:#cedff2;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:120%;font-weight:bold;border:1px solid #a3b0bf;text-align:left;color:#000;padding:0.2em 0.4em;">In the news</h2>
  +
|-
  +
| <div class="nonwhite">{{RecentUnNews}}</div>
  +
<div style="text-align: right;" class="noprint">'''[[UnNews:Main Page|UnNews Front Page]]'''</div>
  +
|-
  +
! <h2 style="margin:0;background:#cedff2;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:120%;font-weight:bold;border:1px solid #a3b0bf;text-align:left;color:#000;padding:0.2em 0.4em;">On this day...</h2>
  +
|-
  +
| <div class="nonwhite">{{Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/{{CURRENTMONTHNAME}}_{{CURRENTDAY}}}}</div>
  +
<div align="right" class="noprint">
  +
'''[[Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/{{tomorrow}}|View tomorrow]] &ndash; [[Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/{{CURRENTMONTHNAME}}|More anniversaries...]]'''
  +
</div>
  +
<!-- This appears to be dead
  +
|-
  +
! style="background-color:#cedff2; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size:120%; border:1px solid #a3b0bf; text-align:left" | Colonization of the Week
  +
|-
  +
|<center><span style="font-size:130%;font-weight:bold" class="plainlinks">[[Uncyclopedia:Imperial_Colonization#Our_current_Colonization|{{Imperial Colonization/current}}]]</span><br />''Help [[Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization|us]] clear the ivy of crap,<br>and plant the seeds of humour.''</center>-->
  +
|}
  +
|}<!--
   
+
---------- Featured picture ----------------- -->
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
[[Image:2001-2.png|centre|thumb|400px|''dun...'']]
 
[[Image:2001-3.png|right|thumb|400px|'''''dun...''''']]
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
[[Image:2001-4.png|centre|thumb|600px|<big>'''''[[2001: A Space Odyssey|DAH DAHHH!!!]]'''''</big>]]
 
 
 
{|class="MainPageBG" style="margin: 0; padding: .5em; width:100%; border:1px solid #ddcef2; background:#faf5ff; vertical-align:top; color:#000;"
 
{|class="MainPageBG" style="margin: 0; padding: .5em; width:100%; border:1px solid #ddcef2; background:#faf5ff; vertical-align:top; color:#000;"
! <h2 style="margin:0; background:#ddcef2; font-size:120%; font-weight:bold; border:1px solid #afa3bf; text-align:left; color:#000; padding:0.2em 0.4em">Today's featured picture [[image:HalLogo.png|20px]]</h2>
+
! <h2 style="margin:0; background:#ddcef2; font-size:120%; font-weight:bold; border:1px solid #afa3bf; text-align:left; color:#000; padding:0.2em 0.4em">Today's featured picture</h2>
 
|-
 
|-
{|style="color:#000;"
+
|style="color:#000;"|{{FI}}
|style="vertical-align: top;"|[[Image:{{{image|2001-12.png}}}|top|{{{size|350px}}}]]
+
|}<!--
|style="vertical-align: top;"|<p>dun... ''dun...'' '''''dun...''''' ... <big>'''''DAH DAHHH!!!'''''</big></p>
 
<small>Image Credit: [[User:{{{credit|HAL 9000}}}|<span style="color:#121212;text-decoration:underline;">{{{credit|HAL 9000}}}</span>]]</small><br>
 
<small>[[Template:FI/{{{image|2001-12.png}}}|<span style="color:#121212;text-decoration:underline;">Edit Caption<span>]] - [[Uncyclopedia:PFP/{{{image|2001-12.png}}}|<span style="color:#121212;text-decoration:underline;">Vote on this image</span>]] - [[Uncyclopedia:VFP|Nominate new image]] - [[Uncyclopedia:PFP|View all featured images]]
 
|}
 
 
 
   
  +
------------- Recent Articles ---------------------- -->
 
{| width="100%" class="MainPageBG" style="margin-top: .5em; padding: .5em; border:1px solid #ffc9c9; background-color:#fff3f3; vertical-align:top; "
 
{| width="100%" class="MainPageBG" style="margin-top: .5em; padding: .5em; border:1px solid #ffc9c9; background-color:#fff3f3; vertical-align:top; "
! <h2 style="margin:0;background:#F2CECE;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:120%;font-weight:bold;border:1px solid #a3b0bf;text-align:left;color:#000;padding:0.2em 0.4em;"><div class="plainlinks" style="float:right;margin-left:5px;margin-right:10px">''[{{SERVER}}{{localurl:Template:Recent|action=edit}} edit]''</div> Open the pod bay doors, Hal </h2>
+
! <h2 style="margin:0;background:#F2CECE;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:120%;font-weight:bold;border:1px solid #a3b0bf;text-align:left;color:#000;padding:0.2em 0.4em;"><div class="plainlinks" style="float:right;margin-left:5px;margin-right:10px">''[{{SERVER}}{{localurl:Template:Recent|action=edit}} edit]''</div> Recent Articles</h2>
 
|-
 
|-
|'''I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.''' [[image:HalLogo.png|25px]]
+
|{{Recent}}
'''[[Special:Newpages|What's the problem?]]''' |
+
'''[[Special:Newpages|More recent articles]]''' |
'''[[Special:Wantedpages|I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.]]''' |
+
'''[[Special:Wantedpages|Most wanted pages]]''' |
'''[[:Category:Rewrite|What are you talking about, HAL? ]]''' |
+
'''[[:Category:Articles to fix|Articles to fix]]''' |
'''[[:Category:Stub|I don't know what you're talking about, HAL. ]]''' |
+
'''[[:Category:Stub|Add to stubs]]''' |
'''[[Special:Lonelypages|I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen. ]]''' |
+
'''[[Special:Lonelypages|Lonely pages]]''' |
'''[[Uncyclopedia:Pee Review|Where the hell'd you get that idea, HAL? ]]''' |
+
'''[[Uncyclopedia:Pee Review|Pee Review]]''' |
'''[[Uncyclopedia:Requested Articles|Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move. ]]''' |
+
'''[[Uncyclopedia:Requested Articles|Try writing about...]]'''
'''[[:Category:Stuck articles needing a push|Alright, HAL. I'll go in through the emergency airlock. ]]''' |
 
'''[[Uncyclopedia:Ideas|Without your space helmet, Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult. ]]'''
 
 
|-
 
|-
 
|} <!--
 
|} <!--
   
 
-------------------- Start of Awards etc ------------------------------ -->
 
-------------------- Start of Awards etc ------------------------------ -->
{| width="100%" class="MainPageBG" style="margin-top: .5em; padding: .5em; border:1px solid #c9c9c9; background-color:#FFFFF2; vertical-align:top;" |
+
{| width="100%" class="MainPageBG" style="margin-top: .5em; padding: .5em; border:1px solid #c9c9c9; background-color:#FFFFF2; vertical-align:top;"
! <h2 style="margin:0;background:#F2F2CE;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:120%;font-weight:bold;border:1px solid #a3b0bf;text-align:left;color:#000;padding:0.2em 0.4em;">Writer and Noob of the Month</h2>
 
 
|-
 
|-
{|width="100%" style="background-color: #FFFFF2;"
 
|style="border: 0px solid #ffffdf; padding: 0em 0em 0; background-color: #FFFFF2;"|
 
[[Image:HalLogo.png|left|70px]]
 
 
I'm sorry, Dave. '''[[User:MacMania|Macmania]]''' does not compute.
 
|}
 
 
----
 
 
{|width="100%" style="background-color: #FFFFF2;"
 
|style="border: 0px solid #ffffdf; padding: 0em 0em 0; background-color: #FFFFF2;"|
 
[[image:HalLogo.png|right|70px]]
 
Welcome to Voiceprint Identification. When you see the red light go on, would you please state in the following order: your destination, your nationality, and your full name; surname first, Christian name and initial. And don't ask '''[[User:Why do I need to provide this?|why do you need to provide this.]]'''
 
|}
 
----
 
'''[[Uncyclopedia:Writer of the Month|Vote for Writer of the Month]]''' | '''[[Uncyclopedia:Noob of the Month|Vote for Noob of the Month]]''' | '''[[Uncyclopedia:Uncyclopedian of the Month|Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month]]''' | '''[[Uncyclopedia:Past Winners/nav|Past Winners]]'''<noinclude>
 
 
 
{{Vote Reminder}}
 
{{Vote Reminder}}
 
|}
 
|}
  +
{{Sisterprojects/languages}}
   
Protected by [[Help:Fair Use|DUN DUN DUUUUNNN!!!]], and ultimate computing power.
+
Protected by [[Help:Fair Use|the Fair Use Clause]], and an elite clan of [[Clinja]]s.
[[Category: Uncyclopedia]]
+
[[Category:Uncyclopedia]]
__NOEDITSECTION__
+
{{FA|date=1 April 2008|revision=2907173|hidden=unlike your mom from a mile away}}

Latest revision as of 19:03, August 21, 2014

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.
30,691 articles in English

Beginner's Guide · The Big Five · Style · Questions · Help · Donations

Categories · Featured content · A–Z index

Today's Featured Article - George R. R. Martin

GameOfThroneFans01

George R. R. Martin (born September 20, 1948) is the bearded, retired Santa Claus look-a-like responsible for the BLT sized books A Game of Thrones, Feast of Crows and I Wrote This by Mashing up Everything That Came to Hand. Martin is now chuckling all the way to his bank. No relation to J.K.Rowling, J.R.Ewing or G.R.R.R.R.R (a grizzly bear when he discovers you inside a tent on his hunting land).

Martin comes across as the jolly bloated uncle you never had (or never wished to have). He could also be a garden gnome that managed to heft his bulk over a garden wall and is now running amok polluting the minds of the young and easily influenced with his turgid tomes. Considered to be by some as the 'American J.R.R Tolkien' or a gurning version of C.S. Lewis, Martin cleverly realised that the path to happiness and gold is to 'sex up' your stories and add a lot gore when the action heads into a plodding direction.

This is certainly the view of the HBO teleivision channel who gobbled up the rights to Martin's A Singalong of Fire and Ice series (unfinished) and are now currently shooting the series in Belfast in Northern Ireland. Since this was also the place where the RMS Titanic was launched, the producers may have hoped that if the show tanked or was sunk by an iceberg of audience indifference, no one would have noticed. Unluckily for us, though the pilot was thrown overboard for excess cheesy acting, a re-casting and re-boot has turned the TV series into a world wide hit. It has also given hope to other writers of half arsed fantasy literature another boost that their fluffy epics will be picked up and turned into pricey TV series. It is becoming all very 'Martinesque'. (more...)

Recently featured: George R. R. Martin - Jam session

Yesterday's Featured Article - Jam session

JellyRollMorton

The Jam session was created by the originator of Jazz Jelly Roll Morton as a means of disposing of the excess fruit growing on his summer ranch in California.

In the spring 1902 Jelly Roll roped in sidemen Ferdinand LeMothe and Artie Shaw to help him pick the strawberries and bananas growing at his ranch. With the fruit picked Jelly Roll called in two more of his sidemen, Sidney Bechet and up and coming trumpeter Gerry "Matt Groaning" Mulligan. Together the five friends compiled the fruit into jars of jam. The jam was an immediate success. The Blueberry Label quickly picked up on the Quintets jam and entered into a contract to commercially produce it. These original jam sessions dubbed: Jamming The Beet were number one on Sweden's National Jam Regatta Listings within a week. The original fame of these production sessions are considered by many Jazz condiment experts to be the origin of Jelly Roll Morton's name.

Some Jazztorians argue that the above account which comes directly from Jelly Roll himself is a load of "Jive" or alternatively a bag of "Gage" or the "Bees Elbows". Jelly Roll has been reporting as offering the following comments on these alligators.

“Them cats just ain't hep to the Jive, man, applesauce! Bunch of Jeffs, man.”
~ Jelly Roll Morton

However another common origin story is as follows. During the 1920's it became common for white jazz musicians to congregate in wine bars and vegan cafes after big band rehearsal sessions. As most cafes in the Barking Twenties hired regular rhythm sections, big band musicians instruments still in hand would often sit with house bands and try guess the right notes to various jazz standards. Due to the high difficulty of this act it was often referred to as "A bit of a pickle" the term jam sessions as reference to a fellow preservative may have developed from this. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured HowTo:Break and Enter, featured on 16 September 2013. See the featured version.
Japanese TV series centered around battles where powerful creatures are summoned using some small object that usually has a real-life equivalent of these battles in the form of a game, except in real life, you don't actually get to summon any creatures, featured on 16 September 2012. See the featured version.
A Man Getting Hit in the Crotch 800 Times, featured on 16 September 2011. See the featured version.
Hochkonjunktur, bumste ich sie verlobtes, ich hatte geschlecht mit Ihrem man, featured on 16 September 2010. See the featured version.
UnNews:Protests erupt as Australia braces for Aimee Mann concert, featured on 16 September 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Shoved into stove
  • ...that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (pictured)
  • ...that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Brothers movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
  • ...that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
    • ...and that every person considers it at least once a month?
  • ...that your birth certificate is an apology letter from condom factory?
  • ...that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
  • ...that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
  • ...that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?

In the news

On this day...

Big-e-981217-N-8492C-015-2

USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) no bloody A, B, C, or D!

September 16: Talk Like Scotty From Star Trek Day

Today's featured picture

Mickey Pill

Mickeys - the drug of choice for today's trendy ravers.

Image Credit: Rcmurphy
Vote on this image - Nominate new image - View all featured images

Recent Articles

Food (rw) | Please unblock me | My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection | Elizabeth Warren | Essex | Caliphate | Office etiquette (rw) | Barcelona | Antigonish, N.S. | Navelism | Cutter® (rw) | Rutherford B. Hayes | Netflix | Pink slime | Battle of Bosworth | The 100 | Twelve Tables | Jam session | New Jersey | Keynesianism (rw) | George R. R. Martin | Wat Tyler | Father Ted | Andorra | Town meeting | Mylène Farmer | Eclipse (rw) | Fringe | Millard Fillmore | Garter | Jared Leto (rw)

More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Articles to fix | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about...

Uncyclopedia's sista projects

Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects.
UnNews Logo Potato (No text) UnNews
The news source on crack
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext Uncyclopedia
The content-free encyclopedia
Undictionary Logo Text Undictionary
The ick!tionary of all things best left unsaid
UnTunes2 UnTunes
Where noisy things can live and prosper
Game-Logo notext Games
Another way to waste time
Gorillatrans HowTo
Instructions and guides for anything and everything
Unbooks-logo notext UnBooks
Content-free books
Unquotable-logo-en vector notext Unquotable
Useless misquotes galore
Uncycloversity-logo-notext Uncycloversity
If it makes sense, we don't want it
UnPoetialogo UnPoetia
Poetry for people who hate poetry
Undebate logo UnDebate
Debating all the irrelevant issues
UnScripts UnScripts
We can ruin stage and film too
Why Why?
Don't make me explain it to you twice
UnReviewsLogo UnReviews
We'll tell you why things suck
Uncyclomedia Commons notext UnCommons
Broken media repository


Uncyclopedia Languages

This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 30,691 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext
Uncyclopedia
English
United Kingdom
W17x11 30557
Desciclopédia
Português
Brazil
45286
アンサイクロペディア
日本語
Japan
18180
Nonsensopedia
Polski
Poland
W17x11 16666
Nonciclopedia
Italiano
Italy
W17x11 13518
Wiki it
1dÉ
Désencyclopédie
Français
France
W17x11 8364
Inciclopedia
Español
Spain
W17x11 10392
偽基百科
正體中文
Taiwan
5720
Uncyclopedia.de
Deutsch
Germany
W17x11 Unknown
Hikipedia
Suomi
Finland
7614
Hikipedia
Pagecount statistics listed above were updated on September 3, 2014.

Protected by the Fair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Clinjas.

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 1 April 2008
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/01 April 2008Template:FA/2008</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects