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Latest revision as of 12:53, May 19, 2015

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
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Today's Featured Article - Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz (born Rafael Edward Cruz) is the junior United States Senator from Texas. Elected in 2012 as a Republican, he is the first Hispanic or Cuban American to serve as a U.S. Senator from Texas. The term serve is used loosely, because he is running for President of the United States, and while running for President, he has very little time to fulfill his duties as a US Senator. Several analysts are concerned about his hopes in the current Presidential election because he does not actually qualify to be President in as much as he was born outside the United States as a Cuban Canadian, and the Constitution mandates that the President must be born within the US as a natural born citizen, but because that didn't stop President Obama, Cruz believes it will not be an issue for him either.

Christened Rafael Edward Cruz, he was born to Eleanor Elizabeth Darragh Wilson, and Rafael Bienvendo Cruz in Toronto, Canada on December 22, 1970. At the time Ted was born, his father worked in the oil industry in Canada. Rafael Cruz Sr. owned a company that processed seismic data for oil drillers and he was very gifted at processing the data until the oil drillers got the results they wanted. He had learned how to process data from his time in Cuba fighting with Castro's good ol' boys as an interpretation specialist. Any information that needed to be reinterpreted or processed went through Rafael Cruz Sr. before being sent out through official channels. Ted's Father left Cuba in 1957 to attend the University of Texas where "I got me some learnin'", as he would say on graduation in one of his humorous attempts to imitate a Texas drawl.

Cruz's mother, Eleanor Wilson Cruz, was born and raised in Wilmington, Delaware, of Irish and Italian descent, and she has the typical temperament of someone with that heritage, or at least the temperament of an average mother. (more...)

Recently featured: Ted Cruz

Yesterday's Featured Article - Horace Greeley

Horace Greeley

Horace Greeley (February 3, 1811 – November 29, 1872) was a newspaper man who thought he had solutions to offer the political system. He switched states and switched political parties but finally found one of both that felt right, and ran for U.S. President against Ulysses S. Grant in 1872. He lost decisively, but got the last laugh, dying before the electoral vote could be cast.

Greeley was born on February 3, 1811 in Amherst, New Hampshire. He could not breathe for the first 20 minutes of his life, and some say this is the cause for everything that followed. To this day, newspaper men say we could control carbon emissions and solve global warming if all the God-damned environmentalists would also just refrain from breathing for about 20 minutes.

Greeley's parents, Zaccheus and Mary (Woodburn) Greeley, moved house repeatedly during Greeley's youth, without even the lame excuse of Army service. Neighbors thought Greeley was smart and offered to pay his way through Phillips Exeter Academy, but the Greeleys were proud, and replied, "No, thank you, we will just stay poor and ignorant." However, in 1820, the Greeleys moved to Vermont, as it was a few miles ahead of the creditors in pursuit. This was Greeley's breakthrough, as he became the 15-year-old apprentice of the printer of a newspaper called the Northern Spectator.

After only four years, it became painfully clear that no one wanted to spectate at the north of East Poultney, Vermont; nor north from Poultney, toward the ignorance of Blissville. The newspaper went into oblivion, and Greeley went into Pennsylvania, eventually finding work at the Erie Gazette.

In 1831, Greeley went to New York City to seek his fortune. Unfortunately, he found that it was safely in the hands of other people. He found work at newspapers no one has ever heard of, including the New York Morning Post and The New-Yorker. Greeley met his wife, Mary Young Cheney, at a boarding house that rejected meat, alcohol, coffee, tea, spices, and intoxicants, leaving only hanky-panky as a diversion. Their marriage was sandwiched into Greeley's newspapers in the middle of the winning numbers in the lottery, though their honeymoon was sandwiched into the work week, and consummated at the sandwich break. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured William Shakespeare, featured on 23 May 2014. See the featured version.
A Victorian Gentleman's Guide to the Trivialities of Courtship, featured on 23 May 2012. See the featured version.
Mailing it in, featured on 23 May 2011. See the featured version.
The Six Wives of Henry VIII, featured on 23 May 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Air Force technologies

In the news

On this day...

P47 stoat

May 23: Stoat Molesting Night

  • 818 - The Force is disturbed for the first time.
  • 1783 - Due to a lack of women, American pioneers settle for stoats.
  • 1828 - Soap factory accident creates marshmallows.
  • 1829 - Marshmallow factory accident creates tupperware.
  • 1834 - The Force puts a DO NOT DISTURB sign on her door.
  • 1913 - Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little.
  • 1936 - Joseph Stalin's tye dye phase ends after only one day due to heavy criticism from peasants. Stalin then orders the death of all peasants.
  • 1976 - Syracuse, New York begins the annual Punch an Old Person festival. Results in 128,693 fatalities.
  • 1985 - The Force is disturbed by its obnoxious roommate at 3 a.m. The Force becomes pissed.
  • 2000 - B.O. level in Otakon reaches intolerable levels, government issues airstrikes.
  • 2001 - TimeWarner merges with Canadian Canned WormsTM.
  • 2002 - Canadian Canned WormsTM TimeWarner buys Microsoft.
  • 2006 - Ask Hal 9000 created.
  • 2007 - President George W. Bush accidentally knocks over his ant farm and cries.
  • 2011 - You Read May 22nd's "On this Day" section.
  • 2012 - May 23rd, 2012 hasn't happened yet.

Today's featured picture

Jeanpool1

Experts advise against chlorinating the jean pool, as it causes the dye to bleed, and acid-washed jeans haven't been cool since '86.

Image Credit: RadicalX
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