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Latest revision as of 19:03, August 21, 2014

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
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Today's Featured Article - Cruel and unusual punishment

Kirk

Cruel and unusual punishment is a platitude found in the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. The Amendment, like the rest of the Bill of Rights, was written to ensure that the new American nation would not suffer from the excesses of the former English overlords, such as drawing-and-quartering, death by torture (no matter how entertaining it was to contemplate it being done to Mel Gibson in Braveheart), or repeats of Mr. Bean.

That the Founding Founders in the execution-happy colonies would have written an amendment to ban executions entirely is so unthinkable that it has taken the finest minds in the United States to explain why it means exactly this.

Most uses of the Eighth Amendment in the U.S. court system therefore concern executions, the exception being the rare lawsuit to demand premium cable channels on prison televisions. In fact, no prisoner has ever been drawn-and-quartered or tortured in the United States at all. And slavery, the Alternative Minimum Tax, and Instant Replay in Major League Baseball are technically not even "punishments."

The Supreme Court, then, has had the task of understanding what the Founders could have meant by writing an Amendment that, on the surface, seems meaningless. In the American renaissance called the Great Society, it first occurred to the Court that the death penalty itself could be "cruel and unusual punishment."

As in most things, the Court advanced this "jurisprudence" gradually, first saving from execution only:

  • The insane, who obviously did not know what they were doing
  • Premeditated murders, because the nation needs their expertise and attention to detail in National Economic Planning
  • Child killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow up
  • Spouse killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow old
  • Elderly killers, because sometimes writing kids out of the will just doesn't work
  • African Americans, because we don't execute a fair share of white folks and we wouldn't want blacks to take this the wrong way
  • Authors of gun massacres, because this is the fault of gun shows, SUVs, and rodeos.

(more...)

Recently featured: Cruel and unusual punishment

Yesterday's Featured Article -

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Capitalism: in grammar, featured on 26 April 2013. See the featured version.
DuMont Television Network, featured on 26 April 2012. See the featured version.
Milton Babbitt, featured on 26 April 2011. See the featured version.
Curry, featured on 26 April 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Sumoworkout
  • ...that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (pictured)
  • ... that it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?
  • ...that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
  • ...that under Communism, everyone gets an C?
  • ...that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
  • ...that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
  • ...that censorship is a tactic practiced by oppressive governments who believe in upholding an arbitrary social standard for the so-called "good of the people" while simultaneously imposing their peremptory moral values on their unwilling populace by dictating what is and what is not necessary for them to experience?

In the news

On this day...

Hyperbole Day

April 26: Hyperbole Day

  • Millions of years ago - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
  • 1756 - The exclamation mark is born on this fantastic day.
  • 1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing!
  • 1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
  • 1922 - Warren G. Harding's popularity at an all time high! New York Times: "Harding is the Best President Ever!"
  • 1928 - Canadian dollar tops U.S. Dollar in World Markets!
  • 1935 - Champaign Toasts and Caviar Dreams great newborn Robin Leach!
  • 1944 - Concentration Camp deaths in Poland reach a new zenith! Hitler asks, Who knew Jews could be so results oriented?
  • 1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever.
  • - The worst day in the history of the universe, so much so that no one mentioned it and so we no longer know when it was. But we do know that it was some time between 1965 and 1988.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting!
  • 1988 - A group of the world most talented musicians come together to write the greatest song in the history of the world. It has a sound so astonishingly incredible and so incredibly beautiful that people come from all over the world just to hear it played at its one and only live performance at the grandest stadium in the world, the Metrodome.
  • 1990 - Oprah is so hungry she could eat a horse. Twice!
  • 2006 - Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy spewed out sperm so high it touched the stars.
  • 2007 - The best night I've ever had. Ever!
  • 2011- I just had sex. And it felt so good. Ya know a woman let me put my penis inside her. Say goodbye to cats !
  • 2016 - You became a 1337 haxor for 5 seconds before going back to being a n00b.

Today's featured picture

Stephenmartyr
St. Stephen the ProtoMartyr, the first adherant of the Christian faith to be martyred.

According to the New Testament Acts of the Apostles, Stephen attached sixteen sticks of dynamite to his chest, detonating them in a crowded market in Jerusalem, killing 32 Zionists and 2 Great Satans, and wounding dozens more. Stephen is venerated as a Saint by the Catholic Church, and in many countries St. Stephen's Day is a publicly recognized holiday.

St. Stephen is depicted here in a 12th century Orthodox icon. The grenade in his hand is probably anachronistic.

Image Credit: Isra1337
Vote on this image - Nominate new image - View all featured images

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