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Latest revision as of 19:03, August 21, 2014

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
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Today's Featured Article - Battle of Bosworth

Richardthird01

The Battle of Bosworth (22nd August 1485) is classified as the last ruckus in the War of the Roses. It saw King Richard III slain on the battlefield and his successor Henry VII proclaimed king by a patriotic army of mercenaries, Welshmen, Frenchmen, felons, traitors and turncoats. The battle was so famous that years later no one could remember exactly what happened, where it had been fought or whether it had been a good idea after all.

England in the 15th century had gone through a long struggle between rival groups of aristocrats who had nothing better to do but to argue about the colour of roses. Some said the red rose (of England) was more noble but others said white was purer. After some polite discussions, leading on to debates and finally fights - the issue had appeared to have been resolved when King Edward IV killed his rivals in 1471. The Whites or the 'Yorkists' won whilst the Reds (the Lancastrians) were broken and left only an itinerant Welshman called Henry 'Dai' Tudor as their standard bearer. Since there was a price on his head, Henry moved to a caravan park in Brittany where he lived with his uncle Sir Jasper Tudor ('Do Not Touch Me'). Jasper was also Welsh and a creep.

That should have been that for the Lancastrians but in 1483 Edward IV died whilst trying to row off his excess body fat in a fishing expedition. His son Edward became King Edward V but needed to have his fancy dress day out (a coronation) to be 'King in the eyes of God'. But Edward was still in short tights so a regent was required or 'protector' as the title was then called. (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article - Nouvelle cuisine

Ncdiner

Nouvelle cuisine is the ideal answer when a restaurant becomes too popular. In these cases, the chef is worked off his or her feet trying to keep all those tables supplied with appetising, nutritious food. Increasing the prices may offer a temporary relief from the overpopularity of the eating-place, or it may instead create an atmosphere of quality and exclusiveness, thereby increasing customers further still. Switching from food to Nouvelle Cuisine helpfully reduces the number of customers to manageable proportions, without resorting to such unpopular or illegal measures as salmonella or e-coli.

No one single characteristic describes Nouvelle Cuisine. Rather, a combination of known attributes, when seen together, determine the style to exist.

  • Oversize plate: Nouvelle Cuisine dishes are invariably served on a plate at least three times the diameter required to hold the meal itself. Sometimes, the plate is so large that places must be double-spaced. The very large size of plate allows adequate free space, unencumbered with food, for the chef to demonstrate his or her artistic talent. It is also important that the plate is cold, preferably having been deep-frozen until a few minutes before serving. This coldness ensures that the customer has to eat-up quickly, thus freeing the table sooner.
  • Dusty eating surfaces: The plate, and any other surfaces carrying food shall be sufficiently dusty to create the impression of a possible hygiene concern. If plates do not remain unused long enough for natural dust to build up, then this may be substituted with flour, or in fact with any powdery material typically found in a kitchen. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured UnBooks:My Summer Vacation in Saudi Arabia, featured on 26 October 2013. See the featured version.
UnBooks:Dirty Harry Potter, featured on 26 October 2012. See the featured version.
Spittoon, featured on 26 October 2011. See the featured version.
Wrists, featured on 26 October 2010. See the featured version.
File sharing, featured on 26 October 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Don Adams
  • ...that the bird is the word? (pictured)
  • ...that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
  • ...that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and YOUR ENERGY DRINK!?!?!?
  • ...that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
  • ...that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
  • ...that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
  • ...that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?

In the news

On this day...

October 26: International Time Travel Day
88milesperhour
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus invents herpes to pass the time on tedious transatlantic voyages.
  • 1701 - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania incorporated as an American city.
  • 1776 - The first Continental Congress adjourns in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1805 - Citizens, using stolen British documents, develop simple time travel and travel back to 1701 and eradicate Philadelphia in order to save the East Coast from what would be present Philadelphia. Make second stop a bit farther east and remove area of future New Jersey for good measure as well. All is peaceful.
  • 1822 - The Rock discovers the secret to time travel, goes back in time to kill Hitler, only to realize Hitler wasn't born yet.
  • 1917 - The first Lifetime limited warranty is created when Congress passes the Broken Stamp Act of 1917.
  • 1921 - Highlander comes forward a billion years and impales Sean Connery on a parking meter, revenge ensues.
  • 1944 - Albert Einstein and Nikola Tesla invent a time machine by accident. They travel to 1996 and meet Elton John, The Spice Girls and Bill Clinton's Cigar. They promptly return home, dismantle the time machine and deny it ever happened. It has become known amongst Conspiracy Theorists as the Philadelphia Experiment
  • 1946 - Enjoy whale meat day (Japan)
  • 1969 - The 69 sex position is invented by Christopher Lloyd.
  • 1980 - The 1981 DMC DeLorean, which is later used as a time machine, is released.
  • 1985 - Dr. Emmett Brown invents a time machine out of a DeLorean
  • 1988 - Bill and Ted build a time machine out of a phone booth for access to space porn.
  • 1988 - Pre-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, avoids being killed by a time-traveling jet engine by sleeping on a golf course.
  • 1988 - Pre-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, is killed by a time-traveling jet engine.
  • 1994 - First Time Cop trained; turns into serial killer, but accidently destroys own grandmother, creating a paradox called Doctor Who.
  • 1996 - The less popular 96 sex position is invented after the birth of Jesus.
  • 1999 - The 99 sex position is invented. Wait -- How does that work?
  • 2000 - It is discovered that Rosa Parks was actually a middle-aged caucasian man named Hank.
  • 2001 - First Time Traveller's Convention Held in New York. No future being reported.
  • 2003 - Goverment develops a time machine, George W. Bush travels to the past to party with his past self and Hitler.
  • 2006 - Some angsty teenager has an internal conflict with herself about stuff only Col. Sherman Potter and his son Harry Potter would understand.

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Errors

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