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Latest revision as of 19:03, August 21, 2014

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
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Today's Featured Article - Gravity (film)

Gravity001

Gravity is a 2013 science-fiction blockbuster starring Special Effects and Space Debris, with cameos from Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. It quickly became one of the top grossing movies in history, with a combined take of only $100 million less than timeless classics like Ice Age: Continental Drift and Fast & Furious 6.

In a world where global space agencies are run by incompetent nitwits and all objects lie in virtually the same orbit, NASA has taken the Space Shuttle out of retirement and is repairing the Hubble Space Telescope a second time. Generically named astronauts Ryan Stone (Bullock) and Matt Kowalski (Clooney) are joined on the mission by several other bit characters whose names neither the director nor the audience care about. Stone is a criminally incompetent PTSD case who cheated her way through astronaut training with appeals to pity over the "freak playground accident" of her daughter. Kowalski, the mission commander, is a graduate of Upper New York Pickup College and has a self-published book available on Lulu.com, Bang Space: How To Pick Up Chicks In Low-Earth Orbit.

With no warning during the mission, Russia decides that space is overrated and creates a deadly debris field that will render space inaccessible for centuries and which flies on a newly invented "half the orbital period as low earth orbit" trajectory, pummeling everything in its way every 90 minutes. The remainder of the shuttle crew are killed, forcing Kowalski to switch his pickup strategy from Negging to White Knight as he gives her instructions on how to reach the international space station, how to use a wrench, and how to tie her shoes. (more...)

Recently featured: Gravity (film)

Yesterday's Featured Article - UnBooks Biography:The guy who invented soap

Mud-2S

Paos, a prehistoric Clovis culture American warrior who lived large on the land and reigned over so many women that they could not be counted, invented soap - which is Paos spelled backwards. Men called him their friend, and went to hunt with him, and baked the bread as only a man chef can bake it. Paos The Great, his story we tell.

"Bend me into a pretzel, do it now Paos," said Bridgette'a, one of his uncounted women, and a few minutes later Paos listened to her moans and watched as she trembled, shook, and then screamed out "Now wash me, Paos. Wash me!"

Paos didn't know what she talking about. Wash her? What did that even mean? "Go to sleep Bridgette'a, now is not the time," Paos said, hoping that this would be enough to get him out of whatever he was in. But it wasn't.

"Wash me, Paos, please, wash me," Bridgette'a said as she slithered under him, rubbing something on his leg. It was some kind of stick. She wanted him to rub a stick all over her, to knock the dirt and rotting leaves off. "I've gotten into a hell of a jam here," Paos said to himself, using the Clovis culture's ancient word for hell - tlayōhuatizannō pive za. He took the stick from her mud covered hands and started to knock earth and vegetable matter from her limbs.

While running the rough bark over her ("You're washing me, Pao, you're washing me!") Paos noticed that some of the stuff had ants in it. Other lumps, those of clay and pebbles, were too solid to have any insect life. In those areas he had to use his fingers to extract embedded pieces of fruit. He had come here for the horseplay, got that over with, and now he was stuck in something very weird. He felt like one of those bronzed idiots down at the beach. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Jane Marple, featured on 22 August 2013. See the featured version.
Feral Child, featured on 22 August 2011. See the featured version.
Cylon and Garfunkel, featured on 22 August 2010. See the featured version.
Guide to a Postmodernist Art Exhibition, featured on 22 August 2009. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Enormous
  • ...that in the Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (pictured)
  • ...that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
  • ...that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
  • ...that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
  • ...that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
  • ...that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
  • ...that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?

In the news

On this day...

August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)
CaptObviousTitanic
  • 1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
  • 1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
  • 1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
  • 1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium in WWII, some guy thought "This seems somehow familar."
  • 1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
  • 1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
  • 1966 - Captain Obvious is born. Doctor proclaims, "It's a boy," because the child has a penis.
  • 1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers.
  • 2001 - Like we didn't see it coming. What the fuck.
  • 2003 - People realize that George W. Bush is an idiot.
  • 2012 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable

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