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Latest revision as of 16:27, August 9, 2015

Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.
31,306 articles in English

Beginner's Guide · The Big Five · Style · Questions · Help · Categories · Featured content · A–Z index · F icon

Today's Featured Article - Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina (born September 6, 1954) is an American corporate mogul, former candidate for U.S. Senate from California, and a Republican Party candidate for President in 2016.

The Fiorina campaign states that Fiorina is uniquely able to take on and defeat Hillary Clinton, as the two candidates would have two breasts apiece, compared to none for anyone else in the race from either major party. However, the much more popular Donald Trump states that Fiorina's face is "ridiculous" for a would-be U.S. President. "Just look at it."

According to a glossy campaign brochure which "has not been approved or coordinated with any candidate or candidate's committee," and is thus due all the deference as if the Koch Brothers had signed it themselves, Fiorina was born in 1954 in Austin, Texas to Madelon Montross Jueregens and Joseph Tyree Sneed III. This would mean that she began life with a different name, although this is hardly as remarkable for a woman as it was for President Les King or Baz Soetero. The former never had to run for election (outside Grand Rapids, Michigan) and the latter had the media in the palm of his cocaine-stained hand.

What's-her-name's mother was an artist (in the same way that this author is an author) and her father was an up-and-coming law school professor who took the family around the world. Fiorina attended five different high schools, including one in Ghana, but none in Kenya and never claimed to be from any of those places, even to goose sales of an autobiography. Ultimately she graduated from a mundane high school in Durham, North Carolina. (more...)

Recently featured: Carly Fiorina

Yesterday's Featured Article - HowTo:Dine at a fancy restaurant

SuperFancyRestaurant

A college kid’s worst nightmare: you’re home visiting your parents, and to celebrate the occasion, they decide to take you out to some place called Le Tuyau d’Arrosage. Oh no, bro. Oh no.

This is the most important factor that will determine your survival. If you do not dress properly, you will be escorted from the establishment the minute you walk through the door. Never ever go to a high-end restaurant in a drawstring hoodie or a Yu-Gi-Oh T-shirt. To strike an impression, you must dress like you are attending a funeral.

Wear a blazer and tie. Never get food or sauce on either. Khaki pants work best, but any kind with 10 or more belt loops will do. Keep this rule of thumb in mind: the more robotic your movements and actions, the better. Do not fidget or hike up your pants. Stand up like you just took a yardstick up the rectum; do not walk like you are packing heat, or just crapped your pants.

Keep a straight face or small smile. NEVER scowl, mope, or show that you don’t want to be there in any other way. Honesty counts for nothing here.

You may realize that people all around are staring at you. Disregard them; try not to think about the fact that they are staring at you, or what they are thinking. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Fracking, featured on 8 February 2014. See the featured version.
Fred Basset, featured on 8 February 2013. See the featured version.
Armenian Genocide, featured on 10 June 2011. See the featured version.
Gay whales in Darfur, featured on 30 May 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Enormous
  • ...that in the Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (pictured)
  • ...that when it says 'Do not try at home', it actually means 'Do not try this at all'?
  • ...that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
  • ...that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
  • ...that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
  • ...that Ben Stiller makes everything funny?
  • ...that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?

In the news:

On this day...

February 8: Worship an Idol day (Canaan), Weorshcipe an Heathern God Dai (Eald England)


  • 4527 BC - The Eald Englanders worship Odin, although he had not yet obtained an official God licence (for your own contact 0800-GOD-LICENCE-PLEASE (US only)), as he was licenced under Zeus (0300).
  • 1856 BC - Hebrews arrive at the Promised Land, start worshipping Baal (then no licence, now under 2110).
  • 1020 BC - Rome built in 23hours and 58 minutes
  • 33 BC - Jesus visits 50 people at the same time and laughs about how they try to explain it while watching from his cloud
  • 76 AD - Roman Philosopher John Malkberry publishes his masterpiece, "Indoor Plumbing, the Devil Incarnate".
  • 77 - Rome is destroyed by Typhoid.
  • 1819 - Mary Shelly creates Frankenstein. The beast runs amok and destroys most of the species on Earth. Charles Darwin is inspired by this and together with Richard Dawkins creates the theory of evilution.
  • 1925 - Rl'yeh rises from the ocean floor. Cthulhu Cult rejoices. The rest of the world shits their pants.
  • 2001 - California Adventure establishes its independence from Disneyland, with the aid of terrorists Don al-Duck and Hewey Hussein.

Today's featured picture

Bermuda

The Bermuda Triangle strikes again!

Image Credit: The Hedgehog
Vote on this image - Nominate new image - View all featured images

Recent Articles

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Slovakia (pictured) | Nudibranch | Hera | George Mason U. | HowTo:Survive a terrorist attack | Pornography (rw) | Mesopotamia (rw) | Kilogram | Missing socks | The Communist Manifesto | Community | Teen Titans Go! | State of the Union address (rw) | Catching Fire | National Fascist Party (from Inciclopedia) | Chris Christie | HowTo:Dine at a fancy restaurant | Eragon | Swearing (rw) | Miranda warning | Sam Harris | Northumberland | Edmund Hillary | Theater pest | Mad Max: Fury Road | Carly Fiorina | Normal distribution | Slavs | Tax (rw) | Sega CD (rw)


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