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Today's featured article

Today's Featured Article - Caliphate

Alibaba02

A Caliphate is the idea, gaining currency in the Middle East, that it would be even better than having 57 piss-ant countries that cover their women head-to-toe and stop working five times a day to check their compasses and engage in group prayers, to instead have one huge-mothah-country, stretching from Africa to Indonesia, with colonies in London and in American ghettos and prisons, that does the same thing.

The caliphate would be ruled by a caliph, much as phosphates drunk at soda fountains in upstate Michigan are ruled by a phosph. The caliph would essentially be the dictator of the Muslim world. However, he would be the most holy of clerics, and definitely not the result of politics, assassination, and treachery. His official duties would be limited to interpreting the Koran; also, to chopping off the limbs of persons with different interpretations.

Experts believe that Islam's current infatuation with restoring the ancient caliphate is somewhat less dangerous than having Vladimir Putin reassemble the old Soviet Union, though we may still get 'two for the price of one.'

The first caliph was Abu Bakr, known in the U.S. Air Force as 'Able Baker.' When Mohammed died in 632, the Muslim leadership chose him over the prophet's son-in-law Ali and his daughter Fatima, a well known javelin-thrower. (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article - Space Shuttle Challenger

Challengercrew

The Space Shuttle Challenger (NASA Orbiter Vehicle Designation: OV-099) (born: 1983; died: 1986) was the largest government fireworks show ever put on, not even coinciding with Independence Day but serving as an early commemoration of Presidents Day (now "Martin Luther King's Birthday," which was not yet celebrated nationwide).

The Challenger project shows that — despite recent American history in which U.S. Presidents brazenly sacrifice military and diplomatic personnel for the sake of a safe re-election, a "theme" for a Presidency, or an inspiring media event — the tendency to treat people as expendable props went all the way back to Ronald Reagan and was not confined to defending Marines in Lebanon by sentries with unloaded weapons.

The January 28, 1986 launch of OV-099 (which had a number of its own: STS-51-L) was no ordinary space launch. For one thing, a schoolteacher was going to be on board. For another thing, President Ronald Reagan was going to telephone the astronauts with a greeting. Reagan would make carefully scripted remarks demonstrating his commitment to Public Education despite slashing funds because of that silly "It's not in the Constitution" preoccupation of his. The launch was a perfect example of what Americans would now call Homeland Security. It had to go forward despite pesky obstacles, such as the fact that the bitter cold temperature on January 28 would normally call for the launch to be aborted. (more...)

Did you know...
*...that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
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On this day...
10logday

October 31: International Dress Like an Idiot Day, International Emo Day, International Annoy Strangers into Giving Away Candy Day

  • 30 - Jesus performs another miracle, turning celery sticks into chocolate and regular corn into candy corn.
  • 475 - Romulus Augustulus is proclaimed Roman Emperor, while wearing a white toga over his head, with eye holes cut in it.
  • 1219 - The governor of Samarkand mistakes the army of Genghis Khan for a group of buddhist monks dressed up like the Khan's army, and opens the gates for them. Samarkand is sacked, looted, and burned, and the Khan is pissed off when the army returns home and has already eaten all the candy.
  • 1517 - The Protestant Reformation begins. After spending all week on his robot costume, Martin Luther dresses up and goes to the local church but they won't give him candy. He plays a trick on them spreading his theses all over the church door.
  • 1897 - The City of London's Best Halloween Costume prize is awarded to Oscar Wilde (for his clever Oscar Wilde costume)
  • 1927 - The October Uprising was rushed through on this day to save them changing all the letterheads.
  • 1956 - Suez Crisis: To force Egypt to reopen the Suez Canal, the United Kingdom and France begin a massive bombardment of Egypt using water balloons and raw eggs.
  • 1961 - In the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin's frozen body is removed from Lenin's Tomb. Stalin's body is then dressed up as Frankenstein and then set outside Kruschev's house as part of a scary Halloween diorama. Communist Party members are initially outraged, but come around when Kruschev's house wins the USSR's Halloween house decoration contest.
  • 1969 - Women discover that instead of putting time into making an awesome constume they can just take a normal job uniform and slut it up a bit.
  • 1970 - Men ok with above.
  • 1980 - First Glam Rock conclave standarizes dressing like an idiot in the 80s.
  • 2002 - Evangelical Christians inaugurate Complain About Something Unimportant Again Day
  • 2005 - Dressing like an idiot now at a record high.
  • 2005 - Severe storm strikes Glace Bay, Nova Scotia producing eggs, fireworks, pumpkins, crab-apples, and rocks. Homes and cars are damaged and several police cruisers are damaged by intense rock showers.
  • 2006 - Washington D.C.'s "Scariest Halloween Costume" prize is awarded to Dick Cheney. Says Cheney, "But I didn't even dress up!"
  • 2007 - Millions revolt after International Dress Like an Idiot Day is renamed 'Hallowedwoon.' 1337 killed, 492 injured. 82 arrests have been made.
  • 2010 - The end is marked by children coming to your door and asking for candy.

See Also

Today's featured picture
Hand grenade

The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.

Photo credit: Mosquitopsu
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Writer and Noob of the Month
Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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