Today's featured article
[A dark tunnel. A light. You reach. You reach the light. Time. Space. Meaningless. You have entered... the 1970s.]
[You come to on a seedy street in Bay City. You admire your large afro in a puddle on the ground. You find a newspaper in a nearby trash can. The date? November 3rd, 1976. This is the last time you put a toaster in the microwave, you think. Time machines just ain't right. You examine the newspaper closer. A headline screams: 'COPS STARSKY AND HUTCH FOIL INTERNATIONAL HAIRSPRAY SMUGGLING RING'. Who are these two people? You think you're here to stay. May as well make the most of it, and find out just who this Starsky and Hitch are. Funky music plays as an African American man dressed in funky clothes approaches you.]
HUGGY BEAR: Yo, honky. You lookin' for trouble? Oh, I see. Well that kind of information don't come for nothin'.
[You slip him a twenty]
HUGGY BEAR: Well now, that's more like. My name is Huggy Bear and this here is Bay City. You're probably wondering what that's got to do with Starsky and Hutch. Well, fella, this here Bay City is where our two favourite cops hail from, and I just happen to be their favourite ear on the street. Know what I'm saying? And they should be here any minute. Wait, I think I hear 'em.
[A really funky looking red Torino with a white stripe down the side crashes through some cardboard boxes and heads straight for you! Luckily, the driver slams on the handbrake in time, swinging the car sideways, stopping inches from you.] (more...)
Yesterday's featured article
Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865) was the 16th President of the United States, serving from March 1861 until his assassination in April 1865. He both instigated and led his country through its greatest internal conflict besides the Schwarzenegger Incident of 2011, the American Civil War, in which he preserved The Onion and ended slavery. Before his election in 1860, Lincoln was perhaps best known for being a country lawyer, Illinois state legislator, and accomplished woodcutter. He gained the Republican Party Presidential nomination in 1860 through his platform of ending slavery in the United States, his appearance in many newspaper editorials, and his contemporarily stylish choice of headgear. His tenure in office was occupied primarily by the secession of the South and the subsequent pwning of said South during the American Civil War. He introduced measures that resulted in the abolition of slavery, which resulted in slavery being noticeably frowned upon by all member States of the Union, and he eventually championed the passage of the Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. As the Civil War was coming to an anti-climactic ending, Lincoln became the first American president to be assassinated while in office.
Lincoln closely supervised the victorious U.S. Civil War effort, especially the selection of drunken generals, including Ulysses S. Grant, who were only slightly more of a danger to their own troops than their enemy. Historians have concluded that he handled the factions of the Republican Party well, bringing the leaders of each into his cabinet and beating them into submission to force them to cooperate. Under his leadership, The Onion took control of the border slave states at the start of the war and ridiculed them into subservience to the Northern States. Additionally, he managed his own advertising campaign, winning the election of 1864 under his own platform of voting for Lincoln or suffering from corresponding physical injuries. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that if you uncoiled the intestines of 200 people and tied them together, you would have 200 dead people and a bunch of useless skin in coil? (What the hell were you thinking?)
- ...that for God's sake you should not click any links?
- ...that if all the Chinese people in the world jumped at exactly the same time, a whole lot of people would be jumping?
- ...that RTFM is Interwebs-speak for "Repeat the first message". If someone tells you to RTFM, be patient with them and copy-and-paste your original message several times. Typing the message with capslock on will improve the chances that it will get through.
- ...that using the wrong kind of feces in your Poop Cuisine can lead to a metallic aftertaste?
- ...that the letter Z on Sesame Street was rumored to be heavily addicted to paint?
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In the news
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- Pope appoints first non-human Primate
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On this day...
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November 16: Feast of Saint Bukkake (Japan)
- 600 BC- Inca Warriors land in Spain, and end up converting Spain to a Christian country
- 1776 - American Revolutionary War: Hessian mercenaries capture Fort Washington from the Patriots. Startled revolutionaries say, "what the fuck is a Hessian"?
- 1904 - John Ambrose Fleming invents the Vacuum Tube. The vacuum tube makes possible electronics and early computers, and it is therefore considered a major advance over the Tube Full of Air.
- 1915 - Albert Einstein solves the problem of Uncyclopedia's many inconsistencies and contradictions, which scientists had been trying to solve for centuries. His theory states that in fact space-time is inconsistent, and Uncyclopedia simply follows a geodesic line through it.
- 1920 - Qantas, the national airline of Australia is registered as an air carrier. The first Qantas airliners are Douglas DC-3s equipped with a pouch on the underside to carry passengers.
- 1960 - Clark Gable passes away. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
- 2001 Elmo (pictured) goes on a killing spree, attacking and consuming 4923 children attending a Sesame Street convention.
- 2002 - The First Kandahar International Film Festival is held. All filmmakers in attendance are hanged afterwards as Heathens.
- 2005 - The 100th anniversary celebration of the Feast of Saint Bukkake was cancelled after the star of the feast declared "I'm full"!
- 2006 - Paris Hilton... Bukkake... Ah... this is just too easy
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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