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Today's Featured Article - Drake of the 99 Dragons


Drake of the 99 Dragons is a 2003 third-person shooter video game for the Xbox and Windows. In the game, the clan of the 99 Dragons has been wiped out and the artifact they were supposed to be guarding slips into the wrong hands, while they were all distracted by being murdered. One of the clan members, Drake, doesn't let death get in the way of destiny, and returns from the grave to avenge his clan, recover the carelessly lost item, and show them that living post-mortem may present a challenge to the nostrils or finding a partner, but should not have an effect on basic guard duties.

Drake received universal acclaim, redefining the standard for great games alongside Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing, released the same week. Developer Idol FX planned on making a comic book and cartoon based on it, but the game was too good to waste time letting people read or watch its great story. All in told, the games' sales made its developers even richer than Bill Gates.

The primary objective of Drake is to find those bastards who murdered your clan and shoot them in the face. To do so, the player uses a wide array of violent gut-splattering firearms. Like an Italian chef that has just has his veal cutlet returned by a customer, Drake uses the strategy of darting around and flailing his arms everywhere, then randomly shooting the nearest person without looking. (more...)

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Did you know...

Jedi dance
  • ... that Jedi knights have appeared on Dancing With the Stars but have somehow been forgotten? (pictured)
    • ... and that these are not the droids you're looking for?
  • ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
  • ... that you're late for work?
  • ... that the milk of human kindness is the 1% sort?
  • ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
  • ... that former US president Jimmy Carter fought peanut weevils in his youth, only stopping them by building the nuclear submarine USS Jimmy Carter in his backyard?
  • ... that staring into a mirror and saying "Bloody Mary" three times will get you one if you are standing in a pub or bar?

In the news:

On this day...

WTF 012

March 18: Suicide-by-Boasting Day, National RAD day (pictured) (UK, 1989-2000, 2007), End of the Boob Festival (Neptune)

  • c.51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two Homo erecti discover fire.
  • c.50,000 BC - The ancient Llama civilization begins its downfall with the assassination of Llama Chief LlamaLlama The 45th Mk. II during a boat ride down the Nile.
  • 1904 - Dessie Noonan is the first to commit suicide by boasting.
  • 1906 - Pope declares suicide by boasting a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
  • 1906 - Pope says his decree was best decree ever. He is found dead in a hotel outside Reno, NV with a syringe in his arm.
  • 1953 - President Joseph McCarthy briefly bans kitten huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
  • 1954 - Scientists discover the Moon.
  • 1955 - Scientists find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
  • 1966 - The Evelyn War ends, and Michelle Pfeiffer, a secret code developed by Captain Obvious, officially replaces traditional right-to-left writing, as decreed by the Kansas Board of Education
  • 1991 - MC Hammer releases the song Big Rad Boy but a world-famous spelling error on the cassette version read Big Nad Boy. The culprit, Bill Gates, is controversially sacked.
  • 1991 - Rad Suits become the latest craze in the UK, after teen hero Margaret Thatcher is seen in one.
  • 1992 - Michael Jackson re-releases Bad as Rad. However, no-one is impressed when it is just the same track with "rad" replacing "bad" in the lyrics, and the song does very badly. This causes him to turn a paler shade.
  • 1993 - The Sun tells scientists that it and Earth should "just be friends." The sun promises to call every few weeks.
  • 1994 - Tears for Fears reach Number One on the new show Top of the Flops. They would have reached Number One on Top of the Pops, but failed to say "rad" during the entire song.
  • 2000 - Rad Day is abolished after the phrase isn't considered rad anymore.
  • 2004 - The Sun tells Al Gore to fuck off with his global warming shit, and proceeds to call Gore a "jive turkey sucka."
  • 2005 - Rick James dies of chronic diarrhea... finally!
  • 2006 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world. Millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
  • 2007 - Rad Day returns for one year with a concert featuring Michael Jackson. The 10 people that attended say things were "Like, well rad init."
  • 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns it. It is never seen again.

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Mickey Pill

Mickeys - the drug of choice for today's trendy ravers.

Image Credit: Rcmurphy
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