Well, you know I don't have long for this world. That's why I'm gonna tell you everything I learned about life. I expect you will read this to your kids for me, otherwise you won't get any of my damn life insurance money. Understand ya little bastard? Good.
First off, your mother is a slut. She just finished having sex with with Horatio. You know, he's that Mexican fucker down the hall (You met him when you first brought me here.). In fact, all women are sluts. I'm quite tempted to include a crudely drawn illustration to prove my point, but I don't have the crayons to draw it with. Instead, I'll just tell you all women are sluts. If I remember to get some crayons when I go to the store later, I'll draw it out for you. But no guarantees. I'm not a fucking Wal-Mart store, dammit! In fact, they fired me... Said I was the worse greeter since Dick Cheney worked there... Apparently touching women's breasts as they entered is classified as "sexual harassment", nowadays. Back in my day, it was impolite not to cop-a-feel. How I long for the 50s! Back then, the only women on television were housewives who weren't allowed to have jobs. Too bad those days are gone.
1017 BCE - Plato invents a wicked new toy, but squirrels it away for centuries. Not until the New King James translation of his world famous book The Republic is it rediscovered.
686 - Conan of Cimmeria becomes Pope, is contracted to star in Conan the Destroyer.
1020 - Some Germans once enjoyed a very nice section of the Black Forest until some Romans sacked their village. Today is payback day with interest.
1609 - Ninja Turtle Raphael starts beautifying some buildings in Rome. He will one day paint the perfect pizza.
1966 - Sci-fi gains popularity in the US with TV shows The Time Tunnel, The Invaders and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.
1969 - Obscure singer/actor Leonard Nimoy gains fame by starring in the Mission: Impossible TV series.
1989 - The gateway to Hell opens up for the eleventh time since Britney Spears got out, but it was only to let Mr. Flufferkins go tinkle. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood never recovers.
One of the last surviving scans of John Aglethorpe's infamous Ode to the Monotony of Life, a nearly year-long piece composed of alterations between A sharp and B flat tied together.
