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Recently featured: Fortune cookie

Yesterday's Featured Article - Fortune cookie

Fortune mints
A Fortune cookie is a crisp, wafer-like cookie that is baked around a message of infinite wisdom and prophecy. The cookies are usually served after dinner at authentic Chinese restaurants. Although the Chinese have known the secrets of the fortune cookie for millenia, the rest of the world only gained knowledge of the untapped wisdom of the fortune cookie in the mid 16th century, when the prophet Nostradamus utilized fortune cookies and opium to see the future. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Cap'n Crunch, featured on 23 July 2013. See the featured version.
Cabbage, featured on 14 April 2005. See the featured version.Cabbage, featured on {{{date}}}. See the featured version.
Uncyclopedia made my life more different, featured on 23 July 2011. See the featured version.

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Osbanj2

July 23: Promptly Shoot Everyone Day

  • 1914: Archduke Franz Ferdinand, his wife, and his moustache are shot and killed while travelling to market in an open buggy, triggering World War I.
  • 1942: Promptly Shoot Everyone Day receives a tremendous boost with the opening of the Treblinka Concentration Camp. Up to 6 million take part
  • 1963: Lee Harvey Oswald (pictured) is assassinated in the Texas Book Depository in Dallas. His alleged assassin is promptly shot, creating a firestorm of controversy and insane conspiracy theories printed on poorly xeroxed fliers.
  • 1965: Malcolm X gives a speech in New York City, decrying the racist motivations behind Promptly Shoot Everyone Day. He is promptly shot and replaced by Malcolm XI.
  • 1973: Bob Marley promptly shoots the sheriff, but he swears he didn't shoot the deputy, or at least he did not shoot the deputy in a prompt and timely manner.
  • 1986: Britain's Prince Andrew marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey in London. He then promptly shoots her in the face.
  • 1982: Sasuke Uchiha was born and then shot...promptly.
  • 2005: Egypt attempts to expand the festival by introducing Promptly Blow Everyone Up Day, leaving 88 dead. Branded "a wild success" by President
  • 2007: An aspiring pornography actor adopts the moniker "Promptly Shot", but isn't hired for some reason.
  • 2009: I shot you...promptly.

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Pontius pilot

The Pontius Pilot is infamous for some functionality issues. One typical complaint is that the Microsoft Crucifixion program often crucified incorrect and important data, such as the Messiah. Thankfully for its users, the file would miraculously reappear two days later after descending to the Recycle Bin, not three as some mathematically illiterate biblical scholars would tell you.

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