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Today's Featured Article - Ferocious Flesh-Eating Feet


Often confused with the bullfrog or the artichoke, the ferocious flesh-eating foot (Tyrannus carnopedi) is in fact a very rare and ferocious semi-arboreal organism that lives in stagnant pools of water. Unlike any other creature known on this Earth, the ferocious flesh-eating foot lacks not only eyes or ears but also a prehensile tail and X-ray vison from it's gallbladder. Nevertheless, this creature is exceedingly cunning and is quite capable of extreme acts of violence. Resembling most any other foot, it is virtually impossible to identify until it is too late.

The ferocious flesh-eating foot most closely resembles, quite ironically, a foot. Usually between size 10 and size 13 in size, some exceptional individuals have been known to attain a size 15 and a toe spread of over six inches. Approximately half of all ferocious flesh eating feet carry the dominant gene for hairiness and thus are hairy. The other half, with the recessive gene, is naturally clean-shaven. However, all flesh-eating feet have long, sticky toes used to snatch prey and transfer it to the large mouth which may contain up to 66 needle-like teeth. Very little is still known about the internal anatomy of the ferocious flesh-eating foot, and it is unknown just where the foot's food goes when swallowed.

The eggs of the ferocious flesh-eating food are layed in the sea, where they will drift in the pelagic currents for up to a year before making landfall on a beach somewhere, at which time the young hatch. A larval flesh-eating foot most closely resembles a grain of salt or a newborn rat. The larvae is a master of stealth. It can sneak up on a zebra and kill it with a swift bite to the groin before the zebra wakes up. It doesn't eat zebras, however, so it has to move fast. If it does not find a meal within ten minutes of it's hatching, it will begin to die. Thus, the little, squeaky creature unfurls it's majestic violet tongue into a parachute and drifts placidly to the nearest cherry or plum tree. The foot then eats a single fruit or sometimes more than twelve. (more...)

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  • 1017 BC - Plato invents a wicked new toy, but squirrels it away for centuries. Not until the New King James translation of his world famous book The Republic is it rediscovered.
  • Nought-686 AD - Conan of Cimmeria becomes Pope, is contracted to star in Conan the Destroyer.
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  • 1989 - The gateway to Hell opened up for the eleventh time since Britney Spears got out, but it was only to let Mr. Flufferkins go tinkle. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood never recovered.
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  • 1998 - The $5 bill was invented
  • 2007 - Buster Keaton is slowly forgotten once again.
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  • 2015 - Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown arrive to Hill Valley from the year 1985.
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