Well, you know I don't have long for this world. That's why I'm gonna tell you everything I learned about life. I expect you will read this to your kids for me, otherwise you won't get any of my damn life insurance money. Understand ya little bastard? Good.
First off, your mother is a slut. She just finished having sex with with Horatio. You know, he's that Mexican fucker down the hall (You met him when you first brought me here.). In fact, all women are sluts. I'm quite tempted to include a crudely drawn illustration to prove my point, but I don't have the crayons to draw it with. Instead, I'll just tell you all women are sluts. If I remember to get some crayons when I go to the store later, I'll draw it out for you. But no guarantees. I'm not a fucking Wal-Mart store, dammit! In fact, they fired me... Said I was the worse greeter since Dick Cheney worked there... Apparently touching women's breasts as they entered is classified as "sexual harassment", nowadays. Back in my day, it was impolite not to cop-a-feel. How I long for the 50s! Back then, the only women on television were housewives who weren't allowed to have jobs. Too bad those days are gone.
1854 - Oxcart Wylde is born in Dublin, changing his name to Oscar Wilde at the same time the city changed its name to Bonoville. His writings would inspire generations of snarky fops and billions of Uncyclopedia editors making up quotes that Wilde would deprecate with a swing of his cane.
1898 - Future clown Emmett Kelly is born. No one notices because he doesn't cry, not even his mother.
1914 - Mime hunting season, now known as World War I, is initiated to control the number of mimes in France.
1937 - Adolf Hitler poses for many photos and movies knowing full well he would appear in memes decades later to carry on the Thousand Year Reich.
1939 - The Phoney War is triggered by massed formations of Marcel Marceau look-alikes forming mime fields across the Franco-German border.
1961 - Marcel Marceau finally makes his first appearance on TV. Millions call repairmen the next day to get their volume controls fixed.
1966 - Four guys hunt a mime and claim they're bigger than mimes which causes an outrage among mimes.
1987 - The first known instance of rick-rolling occurs. Astley becomes a mime at the same time, causing confusion among his 42 admitted fans.
1988 - Garfield invents the phrase "Lotsa spaghetti", uses in the opening credits of his popular TV show. An angry Pastafarian in a green overcoat assassinates him days later.
1994 - Gay Luigi steals "Lotsa spaghetti" from Garfield. He is promptly kicked off a table.
2003 - PETA argues that the mime problem should be solved humanely, by imprisoning them in invisible boxes.
2004 - A disgruntled mime uses a .357 Magnum to "remove" any extra mimes in the area; he is promptly arrested. Apparently the mime wasn't using a silencer.
2005 - Despite being a senior citizen, Chuck Norris becomes an internet meme by not shaving and being used as the model for Ceiling Cat.
2006 - Vice President Dick Cheney shoots a mime in the face on a hunting "accident."
2007 - References to Oscar Wilde declared to be no longer funny by a majority of mimes.