Well, you know I don't have long for this world. That's why I'm gonna tell you everything I learned about life. I expect you will read this to your kids for me, otherwise you won't get any of my damn life insurance money. Understand ya little bastard? Good.
First off, your mother is a slut. She just finished having sex with with Horatio. You know, he's that Mexican fucker down the hall (You met him when you first brought me here.). In fact, all women are sluts. I'm quite tempted to include a crudely drawn illustration to prove my point, but I don't have the crayons to draw it with. Instead, I'll just tell you all women are sluts. If I remember to get some crayons when I go to the store later, I'll draw it out for you. But no guarantees. I'm not a fucking Wal-Mart store, dammit! In fact, they fired me... Said I was the worse greeter since Dick Cheney worked there... Apparently touching women's breasts as they entered is classified as "sexual harassment", nowadays. Back in my day, it was impolite not to cop-a-feel. How I long for the 50s! Back then, the only women on television were housewives who weren't allowed to have jobs. Too bad those days are gone.
1854 - Oscar Wilde is born wearing a natty suit and makes a quip at birth so that the midwife laughs and drops him on his head. A few more like that and Wilde decides to push off and sojourn to other countries while still a month old.
1907 - Robert Peary becomes the first man to take a sojourn to the North Pole, is raped by a reindeer. It would later be found that he got no further north than Newfoundland and raped ducks in the area because they were "a tighter fit" according to his biographers.
2008 - Barack Obama steals my bike while I sojourn in Canada. Yaks from outer space will kidnap and rape me afterwards but promise to tell me the exact date of the Apocalypse and the secret that doctors don't want us to know.