1889 - First recorded use of pure-hearted maiden strapped to railroad tracks to attract a ransom; the deed, while dastardly, merely attracts Royal Canadian Mounted Police who save the girl and thwart the plan.
1931 - Polish schoolboy Joseph Ratzinger is arrested for arson, rape and general troublemaking. The Pope declares this day an International Catholic holiday.
1941 - Hitler writes the lyrics of Blitzkrieg Bop. It later becomes a hit song by The Ramones.
1943 - Morocco becomes the capital of evil villains; they are simply fed up to "here" with Hitler's needy personality.
1969 - Your second grade teacher, mean old Miss Masters™, takes away your favorite doll and holds it ransom. The beeyotch demands that you earn an "A" on your spelling test or "Dolly gets it".
1977 - Habitat for Humanity contemplates rebuilding the Big Bad Wolf's house for charity. Instead it decides on euthanasia as a more cost-sensitive option.
1984 - A science teacher from Great Yarmouth sends his class zipwiring down pylon wires, claiming a man who looked a spitting image of Osama Bin Laden told him to do so. It turned out to be the janitor.
2006 - Evangelist Billy Graham holds a Ramones concert; all of Canada kept awake until 3AM.
2008 - Stockbroker Oilcan Harry IV twirls his mustache and laughs gleefully as the stock market crashes the day after he cashes out.
2017 - Oilcan Harry IV becomes US Secretary of the Treasury and promises to tie women to railroad tracks for ransom in order to balance the budget.
