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Yesterday's Featured Article - Gramp's Insane Ramblings: Life Lessons

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Dear unwanted, ungrateful bastard who I didn't want to raise but still did because abortion was still against the law when you were born.

Well, you know I don't have long for this world. That's why I'm gonna tell you everything I learned about life. I expect you will read this to your kids for me, otherwise you won't get any of my damn life insurance money. Understand ya little bastard? Good.

First off, your mother is a slut. She just finished having sex with with Horatio. You know, he's that Mexican fucker down the hall (You met him when you first brought me here.). In fact, all women are sluts. I'm quite tempted to include a crudely drawn illustration to prove my point, but I don't have the crayons to draw it with. Instead, I'll just tell you all women are sluts. If I remember to get some crayons when I go to the store later, I'll draw it out for you. But no guarantees. I'm not a fucking Wal-Mart store, dammit! In fact, they fired me... Said I was the worse greeter since Dick Cheney worked there... Apparently touching women's breasts as they entered is classified as "sexual harassment", nowadays. Back in my day, it was impolite not to cop-a-feel. How I long for the 50s! Back then, the only women on television were housewives who weren't allowed to have jobs. Too bad those days are gone.

(more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Nouvelle cuisine, featured on 21 October 2014. See the featured version.
Ministries of the UK Government, featured on 21 October 2013. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Bouncy castle flying 02
  • ... that the Wizard of Oz was based on the author's experience in a runaway bouncy castle? (pictured)
  • ... chickens can count to a hundred but are reluctant to show you up?
  • ... that a 40 foot tall pine tree is almost always taller than a 30 foot tall one?
  • ... on the nth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me a total of $ \frac{1}{2}n^2+\frac{1}{2}n $ gifts?
  • ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
  • ... that fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to foreplay?
  • ... Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle Is Partly Visible?

In the news:

On this day...

William of Shatner

October 21: William Shatner Appreciation Day

  • 1017 BCE - Plato invents a wicked new toy, but squirrels it away for centuries. Not until the New King James translation of his world famous book The Republic is it rediscovered.
  • 686 - Conan of Cimmeria becomes Pope, is contracted to star in Conan the Destroyer.
  • 1020 - Some Germans once enjoyed a very nice section of the Black Forest until some Romans sacked their village. Today is payback day with interest.
  • 1609 - Ninja Turtle Raphael starts beautifying some buildings in Rome. He will one day paint the perfect pizza.
  • 1740 - Worldwide squirrel defenestration conspiracy forms.
  • 1805 - Battle of Trafalgar. French/Spanish/Dutch PWND by Nelson.
  • 1921 - Future screenwriter/producer Gene Roddenberry is born. He would later be nominated for Hugo Awards for Genesis II and The Questor Tapes.
  • 1953 - Chaka Khan is born.
  • 1966 - Sci-fi gains popularity in the US with TV shows The Time Tunnel, The Invaders and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.
  • 1969 - Obscure singer/actor Leonard Nimoy gains fame by starring in the Mission: Impossible TV series.
  • 1989 - The gateway to Hell opens up for the eleventh time since Britney Spears got out, but it was only to let Mr. Flufferkins go tinkle. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood never recovers.
  • 1992 - Rachael Ray's chicken gains sentience.
  • 1997 - Neurotic Egomaniac Day is renamed.
  • 1998 - Birds suddenly begin evolving backward and reverting to dinosaurs, upsetting fans of Charles Darwin.
  • 2007 - Buster Keaton is slowly forgotten once again.
  • 2008 - The artificial language Klingon is found to be just a variant pronunciation of English by Scots and will be forgotten in a few years.
  • 2009 - The Star Wars franchise is celebrated worldwide as the most popular sci-fi series ever. George Lucas continues to hanged in effigy worldwide.
  • 2015 - Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown arrive in Hill Valley from the year 1985.

Today's featured picture

Monotony

One of the last surviving scans of John Aglethorpe's infamous Ode to the Monotony of Life, a nearly year-long piece composed of alterations between A sharp and B flat tied together.

Image Credit: Dr. Skullthumper
Vote on this image - Nominate new image - View all featured images

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