... one of the great ironies of the Crimean War was that the Earl of Sandwich's troops were constantly sandwiched between Russian artillery and cavalry?
... and that Lord Raglan had nothing up his sleeve?
... the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
1533 - Francisco Pizarro arrives in Cuzco, Peru. He notices that the iguanas have unusually piercing stares but firm, lovely bodies.
1853 - Deep in the Amazon, Brazilian missionaries discover the phrase, "Cogito, ergo sum" scraped onto a tree, apparently by the claws of some medium-sized reptile.
1888 - Iguana hoagies, foot-long sandwiches on a roll, become briefly popular. It is later found that people in most other places cook the iguana first.
1941 - SS chief Heinrich Himmler orders the arrest and deportation to concentration camps of all homosexuals in Germany. The German Army, once the most fashionable in the world, soon find themselves poorly groomed and wearing fatigues that clash with their boots.
1964 - Mary Poppins donates a spoonful of sugar and the handsome sum of 21 guineas to the Arthritic Iguana Foundation after her beloved pet Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious dies screaming horribly from Mad Iguana Disorder, a disease closely related to Arthritic Iguana Ailment.
1969 - Vietnam War: In Washington, D.C., 250,000-500,000 iguanas stage a peaceful demonstration against the war.
1982 - Wikipedia destroys the Andromeda Galaxy. The destruction has not been seen yet due to the slowness of light speed.
1990 - Producers acknowledge that Milli Vanilli, who won the 1990 "Best New Artist" Grammy Award, did not sing on their album. Vocals were sung by a couple of iguanas with vocoders.
2001 - Microsoft releases the Xbox. The most popular game is Hi/Lo, a cooking game starring a cyborg known only as the "Master Chef". It is set in a futuristic spaceship and challenges the player to serve up meals for an entire ship, sometimes using alien cooking implements. The game is regarded as a classic in the "First Person Cooker" genre.
2006 - Santa continues to plot total world domination.
2016 - 84% of Americans suffer from thumb arthritis due to excessive use of the text message. JubJub, the first reptilian virtuous assistant, proves to be extremely popular despite problems with Salmonella transmission.
