A Very Special Article deals with mature themes that may not be suitable for all readers. Parents are advised to use their discretion before allowing minors to access the article or any other article about the problems that might be killing them. Furthermore, Focus on the Family donors are encouraged to read the article in its entirety, as it is sure to contain sensationalizing narration with details that are sordid—perhaps even sexual—in nature. Protect your children.
The editors of this article are ordinary people except for the myriad dramatic incidents that pervade every waking moment of their dismal lives.
Timmy had long taken pride in his work as an Uncyclopedia editor. After making his first edit (replacing the first "e" in "cemetery" with an "a") he ran downstairs and said, "Look, Daddy! I fixed it!" Then in a pathetic attempt at ventriloquism Timmy manipulated the head of a teddy bear he had sprayed with his father's cologne and said, "I'm so proud of you, Timmy!" For Timmy's father was not there at all. He was with Timmy's "Aunt" Lana, whom Timmy's father had made a rendezvous with three months earlier at a motel while on a "work retreat", so that they could "fuck each other's brains out". (more...)
... that walking in the air will not make you fly in the moonlit sky?
... that Mexican General Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón knew at least three people whose names began with the letter "L"?
... that censorship is a tactic practiced by oppressive governments who believe in upholding an arbitrary social standard for the so-called "good of the people" while simultaneously imposing their peremptory moral values on their unwilling populace by dictating what is and what is not necessary for them to experience?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that Arceus is the true Lord and Saviour and not that fake Felix Hossil or whatever he's called?
75 BC - Julius Caesar finally catches up with the prophet Mosey along the shores of the Mediterranean and crucifies him, along with his closest friends; they then dismantle his ship, the Lasagne, and sell it for scrap, ushering in the start of the Pastafarian calendar.
1403 - Alfredo de Spag-Hetti, a merchant from Parma, begins his attempt of translating copies of the sacred texts of Pastafarianism, first given to him by an Arab trader, on this day.
1708 - Blackbeard is finally killed by the South Carolina militia. He ascends to Heaven on a pirate ship made of bowtie pasta.
1796 - Robert Burns convenes his first (and only) Burns supper; he dies in the middle of it and is devoured as part of the pasta course.
1837 - Humpty Dumpty converts to Pastafarianism, is tossed off a wall for it.
1922 - The Flying Spaghetti Monster curses President Warren G. Harding for being so corrupt; he falls ill and dies over the next year.
1930 - Wall Street crashes due to pasta stocks going through the roof.
1957 - British television viewers are informed of the dire plight of the Swiss spaghetti crop on the BBC's Panorama.
1971 - Flying Spaghetti Monster moves into the Vatican, the rivers run red with pasta sauce.
