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Today's Featured Article - Billy Joel

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William Martin Billy Joel (born May 9, 1949) is an American musician, club owner, and classically-trained "piano man". He had a successful career in cheesy-yet-endearing 1970s–90s pop radio hits, including the biting satire of "Piano Man", the working-class orgasm of "Uptown Skank", and the towering social commentary of "We Didn't Start the Fire".

Joel was born and raised in The Bronx, but it is unfair to hold that against him. At a young age, he studied piano at his mother's insistence. With no other source of distraction, Billy practiced and practiced; the correct keys would light up on the piano, while incorrect playing would be rewarded with electric shocks. Inevitably, he developed an innate sense of pianism and an impressive personality disorder.

Later, Joel turned his attention to boxing, winning 22 bouts on the Golden Girls circuit, but getting his nose broken. He quit the sport, concerned that the injury might affect his embouchure and render him permanently unable to play woodwinds, long before this pastime ever gave him hope of being able to protect his lunch money from the neighborhood bullies. Happily, Joel found that the threat of professionally coached violence was often all it took to assemble an audience and prevent them from running at the first hint of singing.

Joel did not graduate high school with his peers because an English paper was late, owing to soul-searching, playing until closing time at nightclubs, and overdosing on Brylcreem. However, his alma mater, Hicksville High School, saw fit to waive the English prerequisite and grant him an honorary diploma 25 years later, in 1992, beginning a trend now known as Basking In Reflected Glory. Joel demurred, as at that point he had seven Ph.D.s, none of them based on serious scholarship either.

In 1965, Joel joined The Echoes, a band which specialized in playing the hits of the British Invasion. Despite several changes of name, The Echoes failed to trouble the Billboard chart, and Joel was forced to leave due to a growing intolerance to both tea and scones. Without an outlet for his musical talents, property prices in Brooklyn briefly rebounded until Joel joined The Hassles, a blue-eyed soul group known for their half-hearted imitations of The Rascals and for locking concert-goers in the auditorium and badgering them until they agreed to fund that evening's beer-money. (more...)

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  • ...I could absolutely kill for something to eat right now? (pictured)
  • ...that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
  • ...that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
  • ...that Godot isn't coming?
  • ...that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
  • ...that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
  • ...that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?

In the news:

On this day...

Custom water powered bus

June 23: Sonic the Hedgehog's B-day

  • 1573 - Buses first put on sale in high markets.
  • 1609 - The last town in the world discovers dirt.
  • 1610 - Europe carved into that funny shape we know it to be.
  • 1892 - Spider-Man does some fancy stuff with a bus, and with the whole coincidence with 1573, well, you get it.
  • 1929 - Puppies declared the cutest darned thing.
  • 1941 - Lithuania declares independence from the Soviet Union, only to be invaded by Nazis.
  • 1957 - Gone With The Wind released by Big Ol' Hunka pictures.
  • 1969 - The Hamburglar is appointed Chief Justice of the Supreme Court by Richard Nixon.
  • 1979 - Darth Thatcher begins construction of the first Death Star
  • 1991 - Sonic the Hedgehog is released in America, Mario fans cringe.
  • 1993 - I bought some milk and put in my refrigerator, France goes on strike.
  • 1994 - I certainly wasn't commiting a triple homicide!
  • 2000 - Someone thinks about how great things are going.
  • 2005 - The milk in my refrigerator is going bad.
  • 2008 - LAST last year. No less fucking coincidental.
  • 2009 - Sometime last year. Nothing fucking happened. I probably could have told you that, seeing how dull and miserable your life is. Well, too bad. You don't need me to tell you that. Everybody already knows your a pussy, and Nobody Cares what you think. Your whining sickens me, you know that? You really should leave. It'd make us all very happy. Right, everyone? Right.
  • 2010 - This year. I forgot what happened. But probably nothing.
  • 2010 - Jesus arrives on earth as a Native American man, US gives back land and Jesus gets a sitcom.

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