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• Britain learns to play Chequers

• Mike Pence submits to enhanced bullying

• Republican Party buried with full military honours
• If you meet an oligarch on the road

• Dolphins upset with Trump's 'anti-flipper' comments

• Trump given a Russian bodyguard

• Theresa May reveals new Brexit plan

• Trump blimp over London

October 17: Take a Sojourn Day

• 1854 - Oscar Wilde is born wearing a natty suit and makes a quip at birth so that the midwife laughs and drops him on his head. A few more like that and Wilde decides to push off and sojourn to other countries while still a month old.
• 1882 - Canada creates Take a Sojourn to Canada Day to improve tourism; instances of rape by Yaks increase 140%.
• 1907 - Robert Peary becomes the first man to take a sojourn to the North Pole, is raped by a reindeer. It would later be found that he got no further north than Newfoundland and raped ducks in the area because they were "a tighter fit" according to his biographers.
• 1912 - White Star Line director J. Bruce Ismay takes a sojourn on RMS Titanic and nearly gets himself wet.
• 1935 - A wizard does it during a sojourn in Canada. It is said to be fucking magical or something!! No one knows whom he did it with as Debbie was busy doing Dallas.
• 1948 - A white woman says she is possibly potentially nearly raped by a putative Negroid-looking person during her imaginary sojourn to the post office; customary lynchings soon follow.
• 1959 - The Soviet Union institutes Take a Sojourn to the Soviet Union Day, instances of yak rape increase 150%.
• 1972 - Somebody nearly makes a yuky doody during their sojourn to Canada. A shocked parliament resolves to make visitors take constipating drugs before crossing the border to save on cleanup.
• 1995 - Stephen Hawking runs over a cat during a sojourn in Oxford but in many alternate universes, a cat would be running over Hawking at the same time.
• 2008 - Barack Obama steals my bike while I sojourn in Canada. Yaks from outer space will kidnap and rape me afterwards but promise to tell me the exact date of the Apocalypse and the secret that doctors don't want us to know.