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Today's Featured Article - Horatio Nelson

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Horatio 'Cyclops' Nelson (1758-1805) was Great Britain's greatest naval hero. He beat the French, Spanish and Danish fleets and still had enough energy to grapple with Emma Hamilton on his days off. He was the only man who Emperor Napoleon said was a bigger bastard than he (by about two inches). He died discussing stubborn shirt stains at the Battle of Trafalgar.

Horatio Nelson was born with a full compliment of arms, legs and eyes in Norfolk, England in 1758 to the Reverend Edmund Nelson and wife Catherine. His father - taking the Christian maxim about going forth and multiplying - kept his wife in almost constant labour as he wanted to breed a 'Cricket eleven'. Horatio came in to 'bat' as number six which usually means he was a bit of an 'all rounder'. In British naval terms this also suggested sexual ambiguity but Nelson was definitely keener on frocks and kept a chest of contemporary fashions in his cabin when he became an officer.

The future war hero got the sea bug early and skipped off school to join a local fishing fleet in Lowestoft. There Nelson learnt all the available ropes like how to stay drunk standing up and partaking of rollicking sea adventures involving killing a sexy polar bear and not paying for beer in the French seaport of Calais. It was here where Nelson first learned to hate the French when one of their Ladies of Leisure laughed at the size of his 'mainmast. Nelson later on mentioned in his diaries that this experience was 'worse that taking a musket ball in the arm' and later led him to try out the vacuum pump to increase the size and circumference of his personal block and tackle. It is believed that this is where the term 'The Nelson Method Touch' was first coined and would copied by all future British seamen. (more...)

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April 26: Hyperbole Day

  • Millions of years ago - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
  • 1756 - The exclamation mark is born on this fantastic day.
  • 1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing!
  • 1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
  • 1922 - Warren G. Harding's popularity at an all time high! New York Times: "Harding is the Best President Ever!"
  • 1928 - Canadian dollar tops U.S. Dollar in World Markets!
  • 1935 - Champaign Toasts and Caviar Dreams great newborn Robin Leach!
  • 1944 - Concentration Camp deaths in Poland reach a new zenith! Hitler asks, Who knew Jews could be so results oriented?
  • 1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever.
  • - The worst day in the history of the universe, so much so that no one mentioned it and so we no longer know when it was. But we do know that it was some time between 1965 and 1988.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting!
  • 1988 - A group of the world most talented musicians come together to write the greatest song in the history of the world. It has a sound so astonishingly incredible and so incredibly beautiful that people come from all over the world just to hear it played at its one and only live performance at the grandest stadium in the world, the Metrodome.
  • 1990 - Oprah is so hungry she could eat a horse. Twice!
  • 2006 - Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy spewed out sperm so high it touched the stars.
  • 2007 - The best night I've ever had. Ever!
  • 2011- I just had sex. And it felt so good. Ya know a woman let me put my penis inside her. Say goodbye to cats !
  • 2016 - You became a 1337 haxor for 5 seconds before going back to being a n00b.

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Symphonia, the Greek goddess of rock (Opera in Roman mythology) was one of the lesser goddesses born to Tethys and Oceanus. She is said to bless those who truly appreciate "a killer riff" by turning herself into a sculpture made out of stone (it is assumed marble). She is considered a lesser goddess because this happened only once.

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