Mail Order Lobster

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Lobster delivery in thirty minutes or less-- guaranteed!

“I just read the title as 'Mars Climate Orbiter'... perhaps I should leave, now.”

Launched on December 11, 1998, Mail Order Lobster was a successful package delivery service company formed to take advantage of the seafood home delivery market left barren by other postal services at the time.

edit The mission

With the newly successful wunderkind Federal Express bragging about profits, the crustacean mail-order catalog publication "All About Lobsters!" jumped on the express bandwagon and upgraded their services to be an all inclusive "sea to seat" service. The company was created by:

  • Exchanging the primary focus of the business from catalogers to deliverers.
  • Buying out several failing satellite-service airlines.
  • Packing seafood in dry ice instead of newspaper and twine.
  • Sewing logos over the left pocket of their cool "Members Only" jackets.

The facts above intuitively account for the pressing change from the original "sucky" AAL name of the company to Mail Order Lobster (MOL).

edit Launch and deployment

Golborne speaks

MOL engineers search for the mission payload at the fateful San José Mine in Chile.

Although the launch of the company appeared to go well, it accelerated a little slower than predicted as though something were perhaps missing from the business plan. One MOL official did notice that the corporation was, in addition to being under-staffed, significantly off course, but after talking to his wife he kept his mouth shut.

After a nine-year cruise around success the world economy collapsed and no one cared about fresh home seafood delivery anymore, preferring instead to heat their foreclosed homes in hopes of surviving until spring. (Many were unable to receive mortgage refinancing after numerous attempts.)

MOL scientists panicked only briefly on seeing their meal-ticket wink out of existence, before hastily devising a brand-new meal-ticket: An exhaustive, detailed, and expensive investigation to determine the cause of the loss of the market. They even started offering other services besides express shipping.

edit Results of the investigation: Utter confusion and Epic Fail

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mail Order Lobster.

A mail-order catalog is a publication containing a list of general merchandise. Those who publish and operate mail-order catalogs are referred to as catalogers within the industry, who also buy or manufacture goods and then market those goods to prospective customers.

A deliverer is one who brings or transports to the proper place or recipient intended goods or services.

Environmentally friendly, MOL used packaging to ship goods that was traditionally constructed out of wood, but moved on to recycled plastic.

No one cares about any of that when they're broke.

In September 2010, FedEx acquired Mail Order Lobster, and re-branded it FedEx Homaridae.

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