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“There's hair growing out of his cheeks...”
“His eyes are too close together...”
“You can go Ahmedinejad on my Mahmound anyday...”
Mahmoud "I Wanna Jihad" Ahmadinejad is the current president of The Islamic Republic of Iran. He is famed for his passionate yet balanced speeches of the existence of the Holocaust, the cases for and against the State of Israel and "baby eating Zionist pigs" in general. It is because of this charisma that he is tipped for a highly sucessful post-retirement career on the after dinner speaking circuit.
He has courted controversy in recent times and is a continuing source of tension between the West and Iran. It is believed this tension can all be traced back to confusion surrounding how to pronounce his name.
Ahmadinejad was born in the small city of Garmsar, near Tehran, on October 28, 1956. At the age of 20 he took Iran's national university entrance exams to get into university. His test score ranked him 132nd among over 400,000 participants that year, which, as well as gaining him entrace into university as an undergraduate of civil engineering, enabled him to add "genius" after "evil" on his CV.
After the revolution, he entered the Master of Science program for civil engineering in 1984. In 1997, he received his PhD in traffic and transportation engineering and planning, without a doubt the most sinister PhD around.
Early Political Activity
As a student during the Iranian Revolution, Ahmadinejad became very politicised, this is mainly due to the fierce political and social issues introduced through the study of bridge construction and irrigation in his civil engineering undergraduacy.
He was heavily involved in the revolution and was a founding member of the student union that took over the US embassy in Tehran in 1979. He denies being one of the hostage-takers, despite some incriminating images and several hostage's testimonies that point to the opposite. Experts on the matter concur that "he does look a bit shifty, doesn't he?".
After a 4 year term as a Provincial Governor, Ahmadinejad was appointed Mayor of Tehran by the City Council of Tehran, who themselves were elected on a highly democratic 12% turnout.
During his term as Mayor, Ahmadinejad followed a theocratic style of Mayorship, with the reforms of previous mayors being changed to emphasise religious activities more. These changes included the separation of elevators for men and women in the buildings of Tehran. Thus preventing Iran's one true fear being realised: the elevators of Tehran descending into vertically moving steel boxes of lust, sin and orgy. Y'know, like those evil Western ones you're always hearing about.
He apparently also did some other stuff like distributing free soup to the poor, but that isn't nearly evil enough to be mentioned, and as far as sources show the soup was entirely poison free. Must have been an off day when he signed that particular bill.
Ahmadinejad campaigned for the 2005 Iranian Presidency on mainly populist policies, with his website going so far as to describe himself as "A Friend of the People". It is believed that this is connected to the ancient Persian maxim: "keep your friends close and your enemies closer (for the benefit of your secret police force)".
His promises worked and Ahmadenijad was elected as president with 62% of the vote. Ahmadenijad did not win without controversy though. The loser of the ballot alleged that a network of mosques and the Islamic Revolutionary Guards had been illegally helping Ahmadinejad. The ex-Revolutionary Guard, religous Conservative and friend of many an Ayatollah denied all.
Ahmadinejad's presidency has been illuminated by controversy and this hasn't escaped him domestically.
His most controversial domestic decision was that to allow females into stadia to watch men play sports. This provoked en masse late night beard-stroking-and-angry-muttering sessions amongst the Islamic cleric of Iran. Ignoring fears that the stadiums of Iran would erupt into huge, pulsing, swelling rings of sin (y'know, like those evil Western ones you're always hearing about), Ahmadinejad pressed ahead with his plans. Unfortunately for Ahmadinejad, his immoral plans for sexual equality in stadia were dashed by Iran's Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, who reversed the decision.
Ahmadinejad has courted the most controversy on the international scene. His bubbly personality and happy-go-lucky nature have often earned him a "tap on the wrist" and an angry letter from the UN.
One of his most famous opinions relates to the cases
for and against The State of Israel. His comments describing Israel as an "occupying regime" that had to be removed, referring to it as a "disgraceful stain [on] the Islamic world" that must be "wiped off the map". These comments sparked mass outrage amongst the nations of the world and caused many UN officials to wake up for the first time since the Iraq War and open up the 'Angry Letter Template' on Word.
To counter this Ahmadinejad claims that his comments were actually mistranslated. He states that he merely said Israel should be "eliminated" or "wiped off" or "wiped away" from "the page of time" or "the pages of history", which sounds much better.
Surprisingly the flag of Iran was not visibly burned in any Western nation nor were effigies of Ahmadinejad burned outside Iranian embassies. The Iranian flag and effigy making industries mourned.
Views on the Holocaust
Ahmadinejad has frequently described the Holocaust as a myth, even going as far as requesting and hosting the desperately attention seeking "International Conference to Review the Global Vision of the Holocaust": a deadly serious gathering of Nazis neo and old, Ku Klux Klan members, American Bible Belt Governers, old people from the 30's that were "brought up that way" and Prince Harry.
Again Ahmadinejad's actions provoked controversy but Iran maintained that it was not a "Holocaust denial conference" throughout, rather "a conference to deny the Holocaust".
The Nuclear Question
“How long do you think I can I fob off the international community that my nuclear programme is peaceful?”
Ahmadinejad has infuriated the
international community West recently with his policies on Iran's nuclear programme. Iran's pursuit of Nuclear power has particularly annoyed George W. Bush, who has repeatedly asked for UN sanctions to be placed on the country. Bush believes that Ahmadinejad and Iran should have to listen to the UN and be forced to stop their actions, just like Bush was with the Iraq War...err...and if the UN demands are not met, then Ahmadinejad and his regime should be punished, just like Bush was after the Iraq War...err...
Despite the West's demands Ahmadinejad has ploughed ahead with uranium enrichment; ordering seals placed by the UN at some of its research plants to be removed and continuing the Russian-aided development of Iran's first atomic power station. In 2006 he went as far as to claim that Iran had succeeded in enriching uranium. It was at this point that Ahmadinejad found he could no longer open his front door due the humungous amount of angry UN letters on the other side.
The Iranian president still maintains that Iran is not developing a nuclear bomb and that all nuclear activity is producing energy for the country which sits upon the worlds 2nd largest natural gas reserve.
As an extra note, Ahmadinejad has stated that a nation that has "culture, logic and civilisation" would not need nuclear weapons. How "culture, logic and civilisation" aims to blow the Israeli bunker-buster delivering jets out of the sky when the Israelis launch Operation Opera Mark II is yet to be seen.
Accusations of Arming the Iraqi Insurgency
In recent times Iran has been accused of funding and arming part of the insurgency in Iraq by the US. Iranian RPGs, AK47s and specialised throwing rocks, as well as the odd Iranian armoured column, have been found in the eastern, Shia section of Iraq. CIA sources describe the evidence as "inconclusive".
As well as the armaments found, funding from Iranians has also been detected. A recent raid in Basra uncovered a top-secret wheelbarrow trail, in which money from Iranian benefactors was being smuggled into Iraq by wheelbarrow on a trail made of 2 x 4 planks of wood. Like the Ho Chi Minh trail, except more DIY.Ahmadinejad is also directly connected with the arming and funding of the insurgency, with the leader appearing on al-Jazeera Jihadding people's rides, whether these rides are used in the 'hoods of Iraq is uncertain.
Iranian officials have stated that the idea that Shia Iran would be supporting the eastern Shia half of Iraq against coalition troops in an attempt to divide Iraq, as "preposterous".
The British Sailor Incident
Lately Ahmadinejad has attracted more controversy than a spandex Burka. This stems from his recent attempt to advertise tourism in Iran by giving several British sailors a
forced tour of the cell blocks countryside of Iran.
The British sailors were seen on Iranian television eating the traditional Iranian dish of fish and chips and being interviewed in
interrogation room like diary room type locations. The British television network Channel 4 reacted by threatening to sue Ahmadinejad for stealing their Big Brother concept. Despite this Channel 4 producers are currently signing the sailors up for next year's Celebrity Big Brother. Whether they choose to include the black headbags, electrical cables and mock-executions in their version is yet to be seen, bookies are currently hedging their bets.