Maharashtra Navnirman Sena
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“We hate UP, everyone knows that. The shape of UP looks so fucked up on the Indian map.”
“It is a misconception that we hate Biharis. Infact we love them too much. What do you do, when you like a girl too much? You kill her right?”
“So what if all my followers are drivers and sweepers. They love me and I love them. Over and over. Every night.”
Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (Society for the Propagation of Orgies) is a industrial conglomerate, political party and Ku Klux Klan ripoff started 3 years ago by a certain person (who is not important enough for me to remember his name) with the sole intention to make condoms that fit Indian men and to isoate themselves from the rest of the world. They have failed miserably on both these counts.
They Adopted "Invaders Must die" as their anthem/
A certain person had been in perpetual agony, for he never had the opportune moment to confess to his illegitimate father / uncle(for the lack of a better father-figure) that he was just as good as him when it came to burning crosses and asking South Indians to politely pull their dhotis up and North Indians to pull their pants down. The cousin got all the praise and was touted as Malcolm X Part 2 - The Offspring (released in 1987). This allowed him to bone the wives of everyone in his vote bank. The last straw was when the only person left for the Certain Person to bone was his maid (widely accepted to be only bonable with a ten foot bargepole). At this point, that certain person died from sheer shame. Unfortunately, he was revived with an injection of Unicorn Blood to his heart, which made him into a megalomaniacal anarchist / arsonist, causing him to bean all his enemies over the head with a slipper shouting Marathi explicatives. Nobody cared.
He defected to his own party, and celebrated by defecating on the highway. The party had its HQ at 14 D, Mohd. Ghazni Street, I-FUCKING-Hate-You-Bihiari Nagar, Pataliputra. He took a new title - The Chairman, and was so pleased with it that he ordered an electric chair to sit on. This was needed as the unicorn blood had caused him to be impotent and the only way he could get an erection was to get zapped with 440 volts. This had the unfortunate side effect of causing him to be dead, but this didn't matter enough to him to make him stop defecating. It is believed that the party members secretly take part in the Occult's practices every fortnight, wherein they'd perform group orgies and totally unacceptable sexual acts and pass totally unacceptable remarks at passing eunuchs. The MNS title came about when as a child, the chairman was kidnapped by the eunuchs and taken to one of their orgies for castration. He was so enamoured by the intensity of the experience that he decided that having the ultimate orgy would be the goal of his life. This would include LSD injected directly into his brain, eunuchs dancing and plenty of half boiled eggs being flung about.
Recently a bunch of eunuchs were invited to the party's headquarters where they discussed how they should isolate their race of people from the rest of India. They decided that a cricket match would be most apt. In this way they believed they could do what the Tamils did four decades ago- fuck around to raise funds for Bihari AIDS victims (yes, delusional as they were, the Tamils wanted a separate state for themselves so that they could quarantine the victims). The eunuchs danced at the meet. Unfortunately, Sachin Tendulkar (the only Maharashtran who has succeeded in becoming something other than an auto driver) refused to play for them, as he found them highly superfluous, and told the Chairman so. The chairman again died of sheer shame. This time he was revived by sending him into space, where the cosmic rays revived him. He descended upon the earth in flames, causing a number of calamities, like Hurricane Katrina, The Tsunami, Swine Flu and a resurgence in the popularity of Boney M.
A year ago, a few party workers broke into a Goan church expecting to find treasure like Nicolas Cage did in 'National Treasure' and send all the loot to their home, Afghanistan where they'd remodel the ancient Buddhist statues(that their Taliban friends destroyed for fun) there, perhaps giving them a neo-cyborg touch. Allegedly, TV cameras caught the Indian PM witnessing this attempt at debauchery "It looked like a Gurudwara on the map so I came here. I saw , they tried to loot, but all they got were a few MC/BCs from the priest. I laughed so much... my turban fell off". The MNS have been known for attacking religious and cultural minorities, completely ignoring the fact that they are a cultural minority too. Things came to a head when a bunch of Muslims and Sikhs stormed into HQ and proceeded to circumcise the Chairman. After killing them all with his garlic breath attack, he noticed that his penis actually looked larger. Hence he no longer stuffs the front of his pants with toilet paper when he goes out in public.
Perhaps MNS' popularity heightened during the famous tripartite struggle in which they locked horns with the Biharis and the Bhaiyyas over the authority to the famous 40 by 40 inch land in Nandigram solely meant for the construction of The One Condom Company. The MNS won, and built the factory on the land. It was inaugurated by the leader of the eunuchs, who had, once again, come to dance. The factory opened to much fanfare and manufactured exactly one condom, before becoming bankrupt. Subsequently, the land went out of auction thanks to one, Kshamata Bonerjee who fasted for 40 days until she finally got sex in the position she felt most comfortable in. The stench was unbearable and hence the land has been banned from future use. Everyone laughed so much at his financial debacle that the Chairman exploded with rage, and managed to remain alive, just to prove that he could do it.
The MNS ACTUALLY managed to win a seat in October 2009. The party members indulged in a giant orgy wherein they smoked a huge pile of weed by putting it into the tank of an autorikshaw and snorting the exhaust fumes. The autorikshaw concerned apparently took offense to this and ran over the eunuchs who had just joined in. Now that he has no one to screw, the chairman's sexual frustration causes his testicles to spontaneously explode at the slightest provocation, like watching cartoons, taking out the trash and filing his tax returns.
The failure of the MNS can be attributed to the following reasons:
- Indian penises are actually much larger than everyone else thought, hence the one condom was only able to fit the Chairman. He used the condom have sex with a eunuch when his party won a seat. He ignored the fact that it was only a toilet seat. Due to his poverty, he has used the exact same condom for every subsequent sexual act. A supporter gifted him a cloth condom but it was said to "chafe his willy".
- Everyone enjoys kicking about the Maharashtran maid / watchman / auto driver too much to let them go away. In fact certain people enjoyed this so much that they invented a game similar to football where you get points for shooting the ball at Maharashtran auto drivers and breaking their windshields, and then running away while they yelled incoherent explicatives. This game can also be combined with cricket, tennis, hockey and in general any sport which involves running after a ball.
- The Chairman's habit of beaning random people over the head with his slippers make it hard for him to get any coalition partners. When asked about a coalition partnership agreement, one MP was even quoted to say - "MNS. Yeah, when hell freezes over." This happened in 2009, when Barack Obama winning the Nobel peace prize ACTUALLY caused hell to freeze over. This is the main reason the MNS outperformed all other parties in October 2009.
- MNS corporators have a habit of developing strange tropical diseases from the Amazonian Jungles just prior to an election.
- Everyone hates the MNS. Even their own mothers. Period.
The Maharastrian Navnirman Sena is best known for having a spin-off party, The Shiv Sena. Its quite ironic actually, considering the fact that MNS is also a spin-off party.
A nation united by virtually nothing, please
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