Magneto

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“Orphans? Like I care.”

~ Magneto on Eating Live Orphans

“Magneto? Like we care.”

~ X-Men on Magneto

“Welcome to die!”

~ Magneto on the X-Men

“I am Magneto, Master of Engrish.”

~ Magneto on introducing himself

“Ha ha, you're a gay Jew.”

~ Deadpool on Magneto's potrayal in the shitty X-Men movies

Apart from being a commonly misused and misinterpreted term, Magneto is actually a constellation of stars located not far from the Orion constellation which can be seen by the naked eye From March to November every 6 years. Magneto Jones, the popular antagonist of the less-than-hairy Professor X., was merely named after the Magneto Constellation, his father, Ian Jones, being a fanatic supporter of the NASA Party.

Magneto is possibly the world's most famous NBA Mascot, having performed at every major game with a small group of backup dancers. His routine is quite common with both old and modern NBA fans, it has been dubbed the Magnetron, and is a source of inspiration for a number of budding yet-to-be-mascots. While dancing on stage, Magneto has also scored a nobel peace prize for his philanthropy as a result of his 2002-2004 African tour with the Fred Hollows Foundation promoting eye surgery. Their highly successful, albeit controversial motto was "Every eye is an eye, or I've been drinking and it looks more like a kidney"

[edit] History

Both of Asian and European descent, Magnetus Liam Jones was born in 1944, Hong Kong, People's Republic of China, of Ian Michael Jones and Nyan Fadun. He was the 3rd addition to the Jones family, his brother Charles Alexander Xavier and sister Kendra Stewart already having been born 3 years earlier. At first, Magneto was accepted as part of the family. Charles would even take him fishing down to the lake on Sunday afternoons if he wasn't studying for his SATs. It was only after Mother Nyan finally got the 23 hour assembly line job at the Nissan factory, and after Father Ian was deported from Hong Kong back to America for failure to salute Chairman Mao, that Magneto's siblings began to give him a wide berth. Life in Hong Kong was not easy in the 1950s, growing up in the poor district. Magneto attended a locally-owned illegal education facility for other paupers like himself. It was there, at 12 years of age in 1956, admist the internet surfing and porn downloading (They claimed it increased the child's knowledge of computer interaction.) that Magneto discovered the unlimited power within himself. One day, a fellow school mate Gungo 'borrowed' Magneto's ruler without permission. Magneto concentrated his aggressive rage on the poor chap Gungo and unconciously commanded half of a steel pipe to crush Gungo's head from above, killing him instantly. Magneto was taken to court and charged with Manslaughter, but was found not guilty after no one could find any evidence that he had in fact caused a magnetic disturbance. Following the court case, the chief prosecuter and judge mysteriously died in car accident. Apparently they were both parekd under street lights, and the street lights just toppled. The more you know...

[edit] The X Scandal

Charles, now a fully certified University professor, had been noticing Magneto's moods and actions for quite some time. In fact, he had always suspected Magneto since the day he opened his web history and found 'Uncyclopedia.org' listed as one of his favourites. It was not till the court incident that Professor Jones confronted Mister Jones. Charles pulled up in his pride and joy of a—to be finished—He quickly gained notoriety for stealing peoples metal items and causing shopping carts to fly into him in Walmart. He later discovered that he was able to fly, by using his magnetic powers to attach his head to the undercarriage of aircraft.

At some point he fathered some children, but his wife fled when she realised he had white pubic hair. He would not learn of their existence until many years later, when he was suddenly hit with a paternity suit.

He was discovered by the television show "America's Got Talent", where he wiped the magnetic strips on peoples' credit cards, rendering them useless. This act of tyranny influenced his evil side, and he donned a purple jumpsuit and pranced around the world like a pompous arse, thinking he was unstoppable.

Many times over the years he came into conflict with the X-Men, a bunch of cultural imperialists who take issue with his simple Yiddish folk ways such as circumsising baby boys (though admittedly he mostly did this in parks while the mother wasn't looking), keeping Saturdays holy, and trying to enslave all of humanity. Usually he won though, because he's so badass.

For a short while he overcame his megalomania and actually joined forces with the X-Men, and was made a school teacher for the junior team, the New Mutants. This cruel act of revenge by Xavier twisted Magneto's mind and he was soon throwing cars through people again.

Being a child during World War II, Magneto is now over 70 years old, and uses his magnetic powers increasingly to keep kids off his lawn and to avoid having to bend down for things. But he's still really badass.

<-- Philanthropic Magneto in Africa, touring with the Fred Hollows Foundation. "How many fingers am I holding up, Dreklou?" he asks a Jamaican infant. Prof. X. was not impressed.

[edit] Facts

Is a former Ultimate Fighting Champion.
Using his powers, Magneto once rode a Bullet around the world at the speed of light against the earth's natural rotation, thus traveling back in time allowing him to make a shitload of money off of Horse Racing.
Magneto never pays for anything.
MAGNETO USES WD-40.
Magneto tried to use his magnetic powers to destroy Bush's mind, but someone had got there first.
Magneto has a lesser-known twin brother, "Plastiquo" who's "mutant superpower" is the ability to manipulate plastic trash bins & garbage bags.
Once hit a cute little puppy with a stick... I know, I was there!
Though he has total control over metal, he can still be taken out pretty easily by throwing a rock at his head.
Consumes 90 percent of all manufactured and refined steel and iron in the world
Never loses in casino
Magneto could carry dumbbells even the world's strongest and most extreme man ever walked could.
Hates German moustache and buddhist flags
Magneto stinks. (stinks of iron)
Eat Palestinians for breakfast