Maginot Line

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The foremost wall of the Maginot Line and arguably the most difficult obstacle for the German army to pass.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Maginot Line.

The Maginot Line was the most sophisticated and largest ever French military undertaking constructed along the eastern borders of France between 1930 and 1940, more specifically along the borders between France and Germany after World War I to halt potential German aggression and for the French to have an advanced notice of their orders to put their tanks in reverse. It primarily consisted of two bricks stacked on top of each other. This was the first deployment of stacking technology in European warfare.

It also consisted of an expensive series of defensive structures, mainly of reinforced subterranean defensive platforms, or "peek-a-boo holes", carefully marked on the surface with giant, spinning tin foil mushrooms. These made it clear to all the French people that no one could possibly "cross the line", or so they believed. However, in a stunning stroke of genius, Adolf Hitler remembered the existence of Belgium and got around into France that way. Luckily, the French quickly surrendered and cleverly allowed the United Kingdom, United States and the Soviet Union to fight World War II for them. Today the Maginot Line structures are used to hide top secret files relating to France's adorable space program and to store thousands upon thousands of unused bars of soap.


It was during the rise of Hitler and when German aggression in Eastern Europe was deemed imminent that French officials planned the construction of the Maginot Line on February 30th, 1929. Construction began roughly a year later.

Rather than having to import expensive raw materials from outside of France, the French government applied France's natural resource of cheese into building the fortifications of the Maginot Line. French cheese is notorious for its durability when left to harden. In fact, field tests in France proved that a hard block of mimolette can withstand multiple rounds from a panzerfaust anti-tank rocket. And so it was decided that cheese would be the main material from which the Maginot Line was to be constructed from.

Towards the end of the 1930s, German aggression forced the French government to construct more quickly, resulting in the use of brie cheese (a soft cheese) rather than other hard cheeses. As a result, many of the bunkers and walls in the Maginot Line melted in the humid French summer of 1939, resulting in the first ever "cheeseslide" which consequently destroyed the town of Ramélle. The loss of 200 lives in the cheeseslide in the city of Ramélle are considered to be the most French casualties suffered in World War II.

At the end of construction, the Maginot Line had a total of three sets of bunkers, one half-finished machine gun nest, and a 5 ft. high wall stretching from Ramélle to Alsace in the wrong direction. An estimated total of 20 French military personnel were on duty on the Maginot Line at all times, even during the Battle of France.

German Invasion

After Germany had invaded and kicked the crap out of Belgium, the German forces cunningly went around the Maginot Line, though they could've easily walked through it as well. The Maginot Line was no joy during the entire war and saw no bloodshed with the exception of a German private who tripped over it, decisively grazing his knee (some French historians claim this was the turning point of the war). The invasion eventually became known to the then French Prime Minister Paul Reynaud, who woke up and was not served Dutch cheese in his breakfast. He then sent an official complaint to the German High Command and demanded a cash refund, reproaching the Germans with the typical French eloquence and remarking that "the Germans have crossed the line." Receiving no reply, he finally decided to surrender and was reported sighted among the hungry German Schutzstaffel, savoring the Maginot line — it was, after all, made of delicious cheese.

After Germany's defeat in August of 1944 in France, the remnants of the Maginot Line were turned into a tourist site. An inscription on one of the remaining bunkers of the Maginot Line reads:

Nous n'oublierons jamais les hommes qui sont morts pour conserver le fromage de la Ligne Maginot. Nous n'oublierons jamais les gens qui ont été tués dans la chute de fromage. Nous n'oublierons jamais que celà n'était qu'un échec.

When translated to English, it means:

We never will forget the men that are dead to preserve the cheese of the Maginot Line. We never will forget the people that were killed in the cheese fall. We never will forget this was a failure.

See also

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