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Magic Lamps are priceless, Arabian artifacts that can be found on eBay for around $26. Magic lamps are the natural habitats of genies, who are magical creatures that grant wishes to people. If you rub a magic lamp, a genie will come out and grant you three wishes then go back into its lamp until someone else rubs it. Some wealthy Japanese businessmen pay prostitutes to lay on a table, while they rub one out above her. The prostitute is often given the three wishes afterwards.
If you put a gram of hashish in the lamp and smoke it, you won't need any wishes.
The magic lamp was invented by Leonardo da Vinci the year he died. He had gone to Arabia to do a painting of the Sphynx. Standing before his easel in the baking sun, up to his keister in blowing sand, he suddenly realized that the Sphynx was communicating with him telepathically.
"Find the inner plague which troubles my ancient vigil", the psychic voice moaned, "and capture it in a container. Rid me of this thing!" Da Vinci's only container was a small, golden teacup. He went inside of the Sphynx and found the plague, which was a fat genie playing Parcheesi with some rats.
Da Vinci put on his Fierce Deity Mask and became Fierce Deity da Vinci. He then used his fancy new sword to strike down the genie, which he trapped in his teacup. The genie called the teacup a lamp, so that's what da Vinci called it. When da Vinci wasn't looking, the genie asexually divided into a new genie, complete with a new lamp; this kept going on until there were about 134 genies in the world.
After Leonardo left the Sphynx it flew to Egypt and accidentally petrified itself by eating a tainted date pudding.