“I once called her up to tell her that I'd had 200 trade unionists shot dead and thrown into the sea. "Gusty, dear," she replied, "Give me the resources you have and I'd create a new island of dead leftists in the South Pacific by lunchtime tomorrow." Damn, she's cold!”
“I wouldn't touch her with yours!”
Margaret Thatcher is the most beloved prime minister in English history. Among her great and glorious accomplishments were the final subjugation of Scotland and Ireland, the re-establishment of the English Empire, and the complete destruction of the Argentine nation.
Born in the good old days to responsible, upstanding members of society, was elected Supreme Ruler of the Conservative Party during the 1980s, following a successful stint as a risqué model. After her regrettable expulsion from the industry, she underwent a series of minor surgical adjustments, readying herself for competition in UK politics.
Her political career is considered by multiple critics as one of the most illustrious in UK history. A born social crusader, Thatcher gave her all to improve the lot of the poor, disadvantaged, or underprivileged in the wonderful country that she inherited. Employing such tactics as international diplomacy, economic stimulation and empathy with the less fortunate, she is fondly remembered in many parts of the country as a truly ground breaking political leader.
From an early age, the young Margaret showed great talent as an entrepreneur. Beginning her career at the age of seven, her work began with liberating others of unnecessary possessions, which she eventually refined by learning to sell these on to create maximum profit. Encouraged by her parents, Thatcher nurtured this skill for deceit in the name of profit, eventually incorporating it into her later ministerial career.
As she grew older, Thatcher began to forsake the route through economics and hard work that she had once seemed so suited for, choosing instead to use her much-lauded good looks to earn a living. Making a name for herself in the pornographic industry, a fact that she later chose to obscure, Thatcher became a household name.
“I've never met anyone more talented at screwing others over.”
However, success is an all-too-fleeting thing, and Thatcher was eventually forced to forsake the industry, citing irreconcilable differences, and a director's ominious suggestion that what she had to offer simply 'wasn't enough any more'. Following this rejection, Thatcher suffered what some have termed a 'minor mental breakdown', changing her whole appearence and image in order to escape the Margaret of the past. Metal exoskeleton and miles of internal wiring now intact, she was soon well-equipped to pursue a career in UK politics.
Achievements When In Power
In the early 1950s, a deprived, restrained government ruled the land. Following a recent purge of homosexuals from their ranks, world leaders all around the globe were truly morose without every man's birthright. There was only one thing that could possibly be done: Employ a woman. Even better still, employ a woman who had a nice, tight ass, a wonderfully rounded chest, and something a little 'different' about her.
And thus, Thatcher, a famous ex-pornographic actress with a definite air of aloofness to her, was appointed to the Conservative Party - at the time, and to date, the most sexually repressed major political party. Quickly making waves in Parliament, as many men simply focused on how her mouth moved as she made speeches rather than the liquid fascism it emitted, Thatcher was eventually promoted high up through the ranks of the party by men who enjoyed her company very much. Elected as Conservative leader soon after her admittance to the party, Thatcher was one of the most-viewed and most-endorsed election candidates throughout history, as men just couldn't get enough of her. Thatcher famously carried a handbag with her wherever she went. On occasion she used this to batter three Soviet leaders to death, and once defeated an entire Panzer division using only her handbag.
When she was elected as Prime Minister, the entire male populace had a collective orgasm. Shaking the hands of grinning supporters, she promised that Britain would be 'made great again', and that this was the "new dawn" of a "perfect society". However, her appeal began to wane as time marched on, and her attractive exterior gave way to a dangerously right-wing set of policies. Originally admiring her svelte form and boyish good looks, supporters eventually became worried about the toothbrush-shaped moustache that seemed never to vanish from her rugged countenance, and the muscular problems that forced her right arm to be held permanently at right-angles to her body. Sadly, these worries were only further complicated by Thatcher's achievements when in power.
Modelling her mode of government on a style that had proven very successful in 1930s Germany, Thatcher set about revolutionising the social and economic climate of Britain. Employing harsh tactics in order to galvanise a stagnating British economy, Thatcher created a huge motivation on the part of the British people to work - indeed, such were her successes that thousands felt desperate for opportunities to have jobs. She also restructured the dangerously Communist mess that was British society, restoring it to its former glory and making sure the working classes were firmly subdued. In addition to this, she was a firm believer in social unity, promoting the good of corporations - which, as the electorate firmly understood, are just big, happy families - and doing all in her power to give them an easier time. Due to these aims and achievements, she can truly be classed as a social philanthropist.
Being the truly skilled politician that she was, Thatcher had literally tens of useful, workable policies.
Policy Platform for first 10 years:
- To increase social stability and unity, the working-classes to be skinned and their bleeding pelts pressed, stretched, cured, dried, and then sent to printing presses in their thousands to be used as propaganda posters for the next General Election.
- Police Force to be privatised, in order to decrease the likelihood of non-working-class people being prosecuted for crime; after all, it is a hobby purely restricted to the poor and unemployed.
- Elections are no longer necessary, as if the whole country doesn't want more Thatcher, they don't know what's good for them.
- National Curriculum to be replaced by compulsory study of Thatcher's autobiography, Mein Kampf.
- The Grim North, in particular areas inhabited by savages and alcoholics, to be demolished by nuclear holocaust, and replaced on all maps by 'here be dragons'.
- Scotland to be stripped of all its natural resources.
- A national league table of counties to be formed, plotting their conformity and quantity of 'undesirables' against those of the rest of the country. This league table would then be combined with privatisation of the weather, with sunny spells rationed to high-performing areas.
While Thatcher has not yet died, the British people recently discussed burying her anyway. This would be quite problematic, as the British Empire is currently being reestablished and there are not enough soldiers to line the parade route. There is a great fear that the adoring public might swarm her coffin in order to tear off souvenirs, a severe breach in protocol.
Scotland requested that they be allowed to do the honors, specifically because they wished to ensure that Thatcher had actually died. Plans for the Scottish funeral involved a 21 cannon salute carried out by the artillery detachment of the Black Watch. Rather than use blanks, the Black Watch would fire live high explosive shells directly into Thatcher's coffin. The coffin's remains would then be gleefully urinated upon by drunken members of the Scottish public. Most Scots feel that this would be an appropriately solemn farewell to the dictator they so adore.
The way in which Thatcher’s corpse will be disposed has not yet been decided. A whitepaper published in Science in 2009 discussed the viability of a number of options. On cremation, it stated that the corpse of a lich is notoriously difficult to burn, and attempting to burn the body of the arch-lich herself would undoubtedly result in failure. Burial was also considered, but the estimated cost to prevent the inevitable haunting of the area surrounding the burial site was deemed to be too high. The subject would need to be buried below a bloodstone 2.5km in diameter, which itself would need to be sealed via sacrificing the lives of 250 union members atop the aforementioned stone. Experts in the field are currently looking towards recent advancements in nuclear waste storage, and 2.5% of the UK budget is put aside annually for ongoing research and development into the potential solutions to Thatcher Storage.
On Wednesday the 9th of may 2012, mass panic ensued when news was released by the popular website and banality organ "twatter" proclaiming the death of the feared lich by an account apparently owned by Carl Bruni: (noted songstress, wrestler and member of Nicola Sarkozys harem of sex slave dwarves), specialist containment units and the ghostbusters were immediately deployed by the MOD and trade union members were rounded up in preparation for the sacrifice. After being stood down when the revelation was made that in fact the news was a hoax perpetrated by one Ben Elton of Lanarkshire. Prime Minister David Clamerclegg released a statement saying whilst the hoax cost the taxpayers 4456 billion pounds sterling (paid to security mobsters g4S) it was in reality an effective and well thought out drill for when her mortal form does finally release the monster into the ether.
Cultural depictions of Maggie Thatcher
- http://maggiethatcher.tk (iTunes: The Lady's not for burning)
- http://PissOnThatchersGrave.co.uk (Piss on Thatchers Grave game)
- http://MilkSnatcher.com (Whack-a-miner )
|Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom|