From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A magazine is a collation of information, from various sources, uploaded into a computer system, twizzled, and printed onto paper, then cut, folded and bound before being chemically fixed in order for acute analytical testing and comprehensive analogue distribution to be implemented.
Due to the shortage of trees, many modern magazines are created for digital display only and are now regularly printed onto glass in the form of ‘digi-magazines,’ ingested digitally through technology such as microphones, iPads, Umbilical Storage Buses (USB) and Quarks (in conjunction with the strong-force).
Some magazines are frequently used by terrorists to spread anti-East propaganda through the ‘Brown Web.’
In Europe and North America, magazines are found on newsstands. For consumers to have a broad range of magazines, the Fair Magazine Treaty (1954) requires newsstand owners to offer at least 120 different magazines at any time, of which 60% must be A++ standard pornographic.
Distribution of magazines proceeds from the global to the local level.
Global distribution of traditional magazines is achieved using various modes of transportation such as rail, hang-glider, and clopticycle (now Unitron). Due to concerns about getting magazines wet, and therefore potentially hazardous to health, shipping magazines is currently outlawed in most parts of the EU and North America, until NATO's Primary Intercontinental Special Shipping Engagement decree is fully enacted. For now, transportation and delivery of traditional magazines is done by airships.
In individual nations, magazines are transported using a rail network, as rail is a dry and cost-effective way of transporting paper in large quantities. Quad bikes and mopeds are also used in some areas to combat the treacherous terrain and poor condition of some roads and bridleways, particularly in the UK.
Locally, in accordance with the Fair Magazine Treaty, magazines must be distributed on foot (or on a Unitron) in built-up areas to avoid disturbing the peace, pet irritation or causing adverse chemical reactions within the magazines themselves.
Since the advent of digitalism, magazines printed on glass have become commonplace within the internet. With the use of a USB, readers can download their magazine from a website directly into their iPads or other screen-based technology. The reader can peruse the screen at any desired location, such as in a screen room or a screening room (cinema). Unorthodox websites such as
TouchMyCrease.co.uk offer the widest selection of magazines, including a huge, digitally scanned archive of 90s popular magazine Where's Saddam?
On average, 62% of all articles featured in today's magazines can be associated with celebrity and celebrities. So strong is a celebrity’s self-obsession that entire magazines are frequently dedicated to just a single individual. For example, celebrities such as Russell Brand, Tina Turner and Michael Jackson all have magazines named after them. (Oprah Winfrey's magazine is technically not named after her but after her vanity corporation.)
Russell Brand’s own magazine, Brand Spanking Boring, is primarily written from the perspective of Brand’s own ego and regularly includes gruesome images of his own sexual self-abuse and references to the idealistic views of communism and the evils of capitalism. Brand Spanking Boring generates over £50m in profits per issue.
Magazines are a common way in which ‘celebrity culture’ is spread. Like smallpox, an individual is likely to come into contact with a magazine whilst inside a shop surrounded by the great unwashed.
Other common ways in which smallpox is spread are through doctor’s waiting rooms, aeroplanes, and hairdressers.
The history of magazines is rich and diverse. The first publication to be considered a true magazine by academics was Beowulf. It was trucked to mud-covered medieval newsstands by oxcart, and its popularity led to sequels such as Son of Beowulf and Beowulf Returns to Krypton.
In the modern era, the rebirth of magazines began with the UK publication Viz Magazine, founded in 1979 by comedy legend Les Dennis. However, some magazine scholars claim that Wulgör (pronounced 'Vulgerh') published by German newspaper Schitschank in 1975, was the first true modern magazine. This debate was finally concluded in favor of Viz, because Wulgör had "no saddle stitching or absorbent pages" present in the final publications and thus was not a true magazine. Soon after the two founding magazines were published, many others followed. Chief amongst them was the ever-popular Hand-Shandy magazine series, created by Sir Robert Winston in 1980-81, and later, Get Your Gob Round This, devised by George Orwell and later published by WeAreWatchingPrint 1984.
The history of magazines jumped the channel with the founding in Paris of Charlie Hebdo. This popular guide for do-it-yourselfers enraged politicians from Jacques Chirac to Nicolas Sarkozy with its signature stand that Frenchmen not just wait for the plumber but take things into their own hands. In January 2015, Hebdo made further history by adapting magazines' practice of having publishers interview political candidates, instead interviewing armed Muslim terrorists. The pathbreaking event was never repeated, due to a shortage of living personnel.
Magazines come in a variety of sizes based on the seriousness of their content. Most frivolous magazines, such as Time, Look, and Life, are published in a size just smaller than US 'letter size' (referred to in Britain as 'the M4'). The large size and small names require huge type on the cover, which indicates the unseriousness of the publication.
With the passage of time, the most important magazines took a smaller form:
- Magazines containing information of pressing importance began to be published in a smaller size, and newsprint was used instead of glossy paper. Viz led this trend. Usually, the illustrations were hand-drawn, as publication was urgent and could not wait for photographs to be taken and developed. Fantastic Four was a pathbreaker in this genre, as Galactus does not photograph well, and Doctor Doom has no 'good side.'
- A later stage of magazine, with appeal only to the intelligentsia, used an even smaller size. The ultra-brainy embraced two magazines in this ultra-small form: Reader's Digest and TV Guide.
- Micro-miniaturized magazines contained operating instructions for pieces of electronic equipment made in Japan. Unfortunately, the manufacturers put all their effort into breaking the 'size barrier' and not the readability of their tiny magazines.
- Manifestos of political parties are also issued in a small size and with a unique 'scrolling' format, though they are paginated. These magazines fit neatly on the spool next to the toilet, where they perform a function more important than giving actual post-election guidance to politicians.
Sales show that during 1987, a peak year for magazines, total global production of traditional magazines reached 1565RPM (reams per month) eclipsing all newsletter, pamphlet and brochure production combined. By the end of 1987, the popularity of magazines began to wane. By 2002 just 12RPM were being produced globally. Since digitalism, magazines have enjoyed a sharp economic turn for the best, with a return to large-scale sales and distribution.
Turn of the tide
In 2003, to reverse the fortunes of the magazine industry, leading magazine writers and producers concluded that producing their publications digitally would not only reduce costs of distribution and materials but open up a word of previously unexplored possibilities such as tapping in to the USB, printing on glass and using the internet to take advantage of light-speed distribution. In 2004 the first modern magazine was published in the form of Viz Magazine. Since then, sales have increased twenty-fold, from just 12RPM to 321DPW, showing the popularity of magazines still exists, albeit not in the analogue context.
|Name||Type||Style||Publisher||Founded||Language||PH Number||Peak distribution|
|Viz Magazine||Childrens comic book||Educational||Fartpants Pubs||May 5, 1979||English||8.2||125,302|
|Wulgör||Contemporary arthouse||Educational||Hoffenhiem Publishing||February 30, 1975||German/English||9.5||320,154|
|Hand-Shandy||Weekly publication||Scientific||Emap Publishing||September 22, 1981||English||7.9||102,521|
|Get Your Gob Round This||Monthly magazine||Recreational||WeAreWatching Print||April 14, 1984||English||7.2||95,512|
|Where's Saddam?||Monthly magazine||Satirical commentary||eMap Publishing||March 30, 1990||English||0.6||142,089|