Madrid

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Madrid

Madrid in its current (and hopefully final) location.

“ I don't really like Madrid... people there like to wash themselves”

Madriz (known as Madrid by foreigners) is the glorious capital of the Roman Catholic Empire of Spain. The city is currently ruled by Prince Evan Lester, who can be reached on Wednesdays from 6.30 to nine-ish and Saturdays from 6 o'clock onwards. It's €35 euro to chat with him for the year and to cover you for any injuries that may occur.

edit Population

The population of Madrid varies widely with the time of day, the day of the week and the month of the year. While during weekdays in mid-summer the population is estimated to be 35,071 (all of them crammed in El Corte Inglés to enjoy the air-conditioning), on Saturday nights the amount of people in the streets, pubs and discotheques approaches three million, all between the ages of 15 and 27. Couple that with the local drunken street fiestas in honour of the patron saints and virgins (in Madrid? Hah!) and the number rivals the population of China. If every Madrileño on the streets during the fiestas were to jump at the same time, the resulting vomit would cover the U.S. state of Texas to a depth of 42 cm.


However, despite the party-going-boozing-and-fornicating attitude of the madrileños, it is a very religious city, whose 17 Christian churches and parishes amount to 1 for each patron. These singlehandedly occupy enough real estate to explain the lack of available housing for young people. The churches may also explain why residents spend all night on the street instead of going to bed and letting everyone else have a good night's sleep. This in turn is probably the reason for the endless siestas and the fact that nobody ever gets any work done in Madrid. The Church-State rejects these claims and says that what these unruly youngsters should be doing is going to midnight mass instead of partying. This in turn would let people sleep, which after all is the usual activity performed while in church.

edit Geography

“Cultural relativism is an illness brought to us by left-wing intellectuals. Or Jews.”
~ Aznar on Einstein

As capital of Spain, Madriz sits in the exact centre of the country (probably placed there by God Almighty Himself). In other words, if Spain were a donut, Madrid wouldn't exist. Respected physicists such as Federico Jiménez Losantos and José María Aznar have consistently proposed that Madriz is also the exact centre of the Universe and the primary Newtonian reference point. Certain fringe theories in physics (such as the "Relativity" claim of some German guy) dismiss such a universal frame of reference.

edit History

Madrid was founded by Pharaoh Al Bertorruis Gayardén, in 3500 B.C., and is notable for not having been officially inaugurated yet. The observant tourist will notice that works have not yet finished, due to frequent delays. Some of these were due to the difficulty of keeping Madrid in the exact centre of The Roman Catholic Empire of Spain, as the country gained and lost territories. Moving the whole town repeatedly was a large burden for the Empire, and its fall can be attributed to the expenses. By 1975 the map seemed pretty stable, and the final foundations are being laid as can be seen in the attached image.

Mayor Gallardón, after the destruction of the road infrastructure of Madrid, started a new project called "Gallardón Colosus", a gigantic statue in the middle of the city representing himself, of 2.000 metres long, being the only construction visible from outer space. Mayor Gallardon stated "Madrid citizens are now proud to have the biggest urban statue in the world, after the Bush statue in Washington D.C."

edit Madrid Zoo

Giant Panda

The feature of the Madrid Zoo is a pair of pandas that were a gift from China. Unfortunately, they have become so acclimated to Spain that they are now too lazy to have sex with one another. But human ingenuity intervened, and twin pandas were conceived through artificial insemination in a joint effort by Spain’s National Research council and scientists from China, who are always interested in population matters. The human surrogate mother carried the cubs for 5 months before delivering them by Caesarian section. She was very upset to be separated from them, as she was a Cuban and her babies were pleasingly half-white and half-black, but it was infeasible for her to join them in the cage.

(Pictured: One of the twins, Bling-Bling, at the end of an evening out in Madrid, about which see below.)

edit Shopping and dining out

Although Madrid used to be on of the premier shopping capitals of Yurp, there are now only two kinds of shop in Madrid: the Chinos and El Corte Inglés. Chinos can be easily recognized as they all have the same sign, with red lettering on a yellow background: ALIMEИTACÍON Y FЯUTOS SECOS.

edit Choosing the area

The nightlife in Madrid is varied and fit for all preferences. The main areas for going out are Argüelles, Moncloa, Malasaña, Chueca, Alonso Martínez and Huertas. Each of these areas feature a different style of prevalence, and your choice should depend on the reason you want to be beaten up that night. In Argüelles you will get stabbed for not being South-American, in Moncloa you will get kicked on the ground for not being a Nazi, in Malasaña you will get broken glass thrown at you for not being Anti-Nazi, in Chueca you will get ass-fucked (don't ask why) and in Alonso Martínez you will get punched in the face by accident in a drunken snobs brawl. No one will attack you in Huertas; that is because no one goes there.gl:Madrid

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