Manchester

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{{Q|Next Subject...|Oscar Wilde|Madchester}}
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:''If you meant the largest city in [[New Hampshire]], you will have to make do with [[Nashua, New Hampshire|Nashua]] instead.''
{{Q|Oh Yeah I Think I Live There |Wayne Rooney|Madchester}}
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{{Q|Oh Yeah I Think I Live There |Wayne Rooney|Manchester}}
{{Q|Put Me Back In The Jungle Just Don't Make Me Go Back There!!!|Shaun Ryder|Madchester}}
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{{Q|I would like to live in Manchester. The transition between it and death would be unnoticeable.|Mark Twain|Manchester}}
{{Q|I would like to live in Madchester. The transition between it and death would be unnoticeable.|Mark Twain|Madchester}}
 
   
'''Madchester''' is an inhabited landfill site located in the North West of England and notable in-breeding zone.
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'''Manchester''' is an inhabited landfill site located in the North West of England. Manchester is also notable for having one of the highest rates of gun crime in the UK. Local priests have recently called for Manchester to be twinned with [[Hell]] in the hope that hell will take notes, adapt a Mancunian approach to living and a new sense of pride can be had down there. Whilst most of Manchester makes the slums of Rio de Janeiro appear upmarket and chic, the exception to this is Piccadilly station - because it's the quickest way out.
Madchester is sometimes known as Moss Side or [[Manchester]], or (relating to the new supercasino) "The Three Cherries". Manchester also has one of the highest rates of interbreeding (the most is in [[Coventry]]) and gun crime ([[Nottingham]] holds the title of Gun Capital), whatever the lying southeners like to say about this. Interbreeding causes the genetic pool to dwindle, and this can be seen when [[Birmingham]] residents come to the city to see what a real city should look like. The local priest has called for Manchester to be twinned with [[Hell]] in the hope that hell will take notes, adapt a Madcunian approach to living and a new sense of pride can be had down there. Whilst most of Manchester makes the slums of Rio de Janeiro appear upmarket and chic, a very special place in the city is Piccadilly station - because it's the quickest way out.
 
   
Madchester is North of West Kentucky and and South of Haiti. It is famous for its drugs, with the local [[heroin]] and [[cannabis|weed]] being highly sought-after around the globe. Madchester has recently been fined £1,000,000 for being stupid and is better known as the gay cousin of Antarctica, or the brother of Canada. Madchester is up north in the District of Cocaine and Heroin, in the Country of Drugzabused.
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The residents of Manchester, Mancunians, are known for their sloping brows, long arms which enable the ape-like walk, and their unexplainable obsession with the people of [[Liverpool]].
 
The residents of Madchester, Mancunians, are known for their sloping brows, long arms which enable the ape-like walk, and their unexplainable obsession with the people of [[Liverpool]].
 
   
 
==History==
 
==History==
[[Image:Dummies_museum2.JPG|left|thumb|200px|Inside the Rape Museum]]
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The original site of Manchester had been lost for centuries, but was unfortunately found by the Romans in around 79 AD, a time in history where the Romans were engaged in both founding the large conurbations of modern Britain and burning the conurbations of Celtic Britain. The Romans constructed a fort on the site and named it "Mamcunium", this is Latin for "Breast-like hill" [[wikipedia:Mamcunium|(seriously)]] for the hill the original site of Manchester was based upon looked very much like a boob. The fort was originally intended to protect several of the other northern settlements in Roman England from the Celts, it performed this task for over 200 years until the Celts realised that a hill shaped like a breast just wasn't worth several thousand casualties per year.
The national anthem of Madchester is generally known by all local inhabitants, and in English vaguely translates to:
 
 
{{Cquote|EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA}}
 
 
The original site of Fuckchester has been lost for centuries, but common myth states that the [[Devil]] had a shit and the ansestors of Fuckchester worshiped the faeces until the finally settled around the said faecy. The village was eventually destroyed when two rival families rose to prominence and fought for several days- The "in-breeders" and the "animal-relations" families. Although no one won, most of the town was desimated and the [[Great Faecy]] lost forever. What was left of the town reverted to living in caves until 1980 AD.
 
 
Madchester was re-founded by the [[Immortal]] God-King Anthony H. Wilson in [[1980|1980 AD]] (After Disco). He was infact a Scouser. It subsequently absorbed the principalities of Salford, Bolton and [[Stockport]] although many refuse to accept Tony's rule and active [[terrorist]] groups persist including the [[IRA|IRA - I Really 'Ate (Madchester)]] who known for their lack of spelling and the Salford Lads Club led by [[Morrissey]].
 
 
Madchester was once the [[Rape]] capital of the [[United Kingdom|U.K]] but the village of [[Birmingham]] now holds that title. In short, your chances are good, unless you are male as the incidence of bumrape is ridiculously high due to all the gays. Especially during the summer months when it hosts its Annual Festival Of Peace. Also known as Peacefest. Ian Brown and Paul Scholes are said to be avid enthusiasts of the yearly shindig. [[Paul Scholes, usually the reserved type, was heard saying to [[Gary Lineker]] "seriously, get your money down - it's an anal free-for-all, buzzin".
 
 
==== Stupid fire of Manchester ====
 
In [[1968]], British Education Minister Sir Donald Duck published figures which showed that for the first time in its 700 year history, the average IQ of people in Manchester had surpassed 43. To "celebrate this feet (sic)" the city organized a large mardi-gras parade through the town centre, with a dazzling array of shows and entertainment, illuminated by a fantastic lighting system and deafening bass drums. Unfortunately, they chose cockney [[electrician|electrician]] [[David Beckham]] to rig the lighting system. The resulting fire which was ignored by the local fire departments because they couldn't hear the phone call over the bass drums destroyed one third of the buildings in the city centre, including the library, the polytechnic, several schools, The Winter Hill television transmitter was destroyed by the mayor fleeing the fire in his Morris Mini. The net effect of this was that within 6 months, the average IQ had dropped back to a pre-war 36, and is yet to recover.
 
 
==== Ecstasy riots ====
 
[[Image:Hawking_album.jpg|thumb|250px|right|Hawking]]
 
 
In 2001, following a highly successful promotion by [[Rupert Murdoch|Sky Television]], an estimated 27% of Manchester households acquired satellite television receivers in a period of just 7 weeks. On [[August|August 14th]], an episode of COPS showed a large shipment of ecstasy being seized by Sheriff John Burnell in Manchester, Georgia. A large number of residents believed this to have occurred in their town, and many went out immediately to search for a supply, before it dried up.
 
More than 700 people died in the resulting riots, including 100 who had barricaded themselves in the Rovers Return pub. When surrounded by police who'd learned that they had each acquired between 2 and 4 pills, they quickly decided to swallow the evidence and deny everything. Subsequently, the average IQ increased by 3 points.
 
 
==== The Cheese Wars ====
 
In 4536 BC (Before China Town) Lord Wensleydale Von Duffledar declared war on the rogue Chorlton Cheese Society, who were lobbying Parliament to reduce cheese tax by 5.6%. The fierce war raged for approximately 895 years until a succession of [[Morrissey|Morrissey's]] were brought in to mediate. After a hugely successful reconciliation between the groups, Lord Wensleydale was killed in a tragic goat herding drive-by in the then beautiful district of Moss Side. Madchester recovered physically from the war quickly, but the effect on the local cheese economy was devastating, with 70% of stiltons, 85% of cheddars and 96% of Edams destroyed or crippled.
 
 
Major losses to the region include the annoying survival of Terry Christian, Mick Hucknall and the Ting-Tings. One positive to come from the Cheese Wars is that Lower Broughton has won UNESCO World Heritage Site status.
 
 
The East Didsbury Society for Hand Crafted Cheese Produce and Brass Rubbings has proposed a cheese rescue package. This includes re-introducing some 27 rare species of Wensleydale into the surrounding rivers and sewers. [[Bob Geldof]] has pledged to raise a sum of 26 billion otters with a series of cheese-related benefit concerts. Although many cheese lovers are worried the point might be lost as Lord Geldof wants to call the main festival night Patronising Cunt Aid.
 
 
=== Successes ===
 
==== Sporting Prowess ====
 
Manchester accidentally staged the [[International]] [[Wife]]-Swapping Games in [[1994]]. After a joke note was inadvertently slipped into a [[burger]] of a visiting dick-lomat from the IOC (International Oil-Limpet Committee) who had just been released after being taken [[hostage]] by the Prestwich cheesy-poof posse, and had ran into the Gorton [[Fish and Chips|chippy]] thinking it was derelict.
 
 
Upon eating the burger, the dick-lomat, a close personal friend of a young androgynous Samari, nearly choked to death on the serviette, as the note seemed to have gotten lodged in his oral cavity. After having extracted it and examined its mangled contents, he immediately sent word by carrier-tortoise to the androgynous Samari’s office and got the Games permanently moved from the [[Culture|cultural]] [[capital]] of Newark, New Jersey to sunny shiny Manchester.
 
 
The note had been placed inside the serviette by Chap Parmi, the Madchester [[Shit]]ty [[Cunt]]shole [[Minister]]-for-[[boy]]s-and-barking-ideas. He’d been opening a new 24 hour drive-tru washeteria at an abandoned [[church]] and former [[crack]]-[[house]] in Beswick but got a bit tipsy on the Reverend Loveboys communion sherry. After buggering the bursar, three choir-boys and a Cardinal (all over 16, consenting adults of course) Chap had scribbled a few notes for the next days speech on a spunk-stained tissue. During the cleaning process the aforesaid crusty item was placed strategically in a box of Grade-A beef and ended up being delivered to the Chippy the next day in error.
 
 
The IWSG were a major success attracting about 13 competitors from 83 [[country|countries]], which upset the numbers a bit so one of the commentators from [[BBC]] [[Wales]]/CumU stepped in to fill the void - and how grateful the [[Bulgaria]]n competitor was too. The Games propelled Madchester to the very edge of cool international [[sporting]] venues and literally scores of other events soon followed – although only one was ever staged due to licensing laws and the ghost of bum-fun-hater Jaynes Anderton-Shelter, former Greater Manchester [[Police]] Chief Cunt(un)-stable.
 
 
==== The Lesbeechian and Gaze Muddy Grass ====
 
First staged on a biscuit tin in [[1805]] the “Mardy-Arse” festival started [[life]] as a celebration of misery and grumpiness. “Don’t you cum the mardy-arse with me young fella me lad” was a popular retort in [[Shakespeare|Shakespearian]] times, just behind the Royal Exchange Theatre at least. By [[1996]] it had grown to the sixth-least-smallest [[lesbian]] and [[gay]] pride event in Cheshire with over one-hundred-thousand leaflets given away with [[Tesco]]’s ready-meals and free rectal exams.
 
 
So popular did the bi-annual/trans-fatty-gender/people-of-an-usual-colour festival become, that an extra crate of fags had to be ordered from Makro’s. At it’s height the [[queer]]fest attracted such [[international]] celebates as Vera Duckworth, Mrs Merton and Dolly from Emmerdale Farm. Overcome by the excitement of three thousand drunk [[gays]] toppling around Canal Street shouting “Oi bitches, who thieved me drugs”, several notable people were known to have 'come-out', on the spot (see spontaneous [[human]]e combustion) including: Dame Thora Hird, [[Brad Pitt]], [[Jesus]] and Dolly from ''Emmerdale Farm''.
 
 
The Muddy Grass festival went from strength to strength and converted over three million schoolchildren when the parade was unexpectedly diverted past every school in the UK by freak weather conditions in 1898. The last one, in [[1942]] was taken over by a mysterious clan of black-leather-wearing, goose-stepping [[lesbians]] from Little Himmler, Lancashire. There was a blue plaque to mark the contribution the festival played in homoculturism, just behind the deep-fat fryer in McTurckies, but it got pulled off the wall and used as a deadly frisbee during the Pole [[Tax]] Riots of nineteen-ninety-ninety. The district of Chorlton in south Madchester is actually a space-time portal, where there are no Mancunians only southerners, lesbians and drug-addled postmen.
 
   
==== British Rail AwayDays from Manchester Oxford Rude ====
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Following the Roman occupation Manchester began development into a much larger settlement, it flourished due to its favourable position on the rivers Irwell and Irk, the fact it was shaped like a boob and the fertile land that surrounded it. That is until 1066 when William the conqueror sought to subjugate the north of England and burned large sections of Manchester to the ground and dissuaded the residents from following Yorkshire into rebellion by starving and executing them. William the conqueror was not altogether concerned by the resemblance of the settlement to a breast, [[Gay|historians have yet to ascertain exactly why this was]].
Another great success in the long and turgid history of Madchester, were the sadly missed AwayDay tickets, introduced in [[1974]] by MacFisheries, the failed [[supermarket]] chain. For every [[pound]] of fat spent in their Cheadle Headle store, shoppers could get six yards of Green Shield Stampede vouchers, which could be exchanged every fourth [[Friday]] in [[February]] for a free rail ticket to anywhere outside the majestic North West. Over six [[million]] of the tickets were issued to local people. While the tickets were all one-way, and only 47 people ever made it back, this had the unforeseen consequence that Greater Manchester ‘lost’ a huge percentage of its [[population]], taking it from the biggest [[city]] in the northern hemisphere, all the way down to the second biggest, after new title holder Keithley.
 
   
====Ring'n'Rim Ride ====
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Following the tumultuous 11th, 12th and 13th centuries Manchester stormed back onto the national stage by, in 1421, building a small collegiate church containing a school of music and a library. This was big news in the 15th century and, according to the Greater Manchester Tourist board it is still big news today as the library is still open today and, due to Manchester's generally lacklustre standards of literacy, has yet to actually loan any books.
This was a short-lived but highly popular service of instant gratification for mis-abled people introduced by GM Buses in [[1995]] from their Ardwick bus depot. The concept was simple; 'Dial and Defile'. As the advert put it; “Why bother to leave the comfort of your own home to wait around in the draught for one of our rickety old buses, when you can simply call us on 061 669 6969 and we’ll drop the entertainment in your back passage”. The highly popular service was curtailed after just 20 seconds of operation due to an accident involving old man Peterson and a rather odd looking bird known locally as the "buffle-headed titmouse." Apparently the strange bird was attempting to cross the road as one of the monsterous buses was approaching from the west. Mr. Peterson, known to many as a sick and demented prankster, began hurling jelly donuts at the windsheild of the bus, causing the driver to fart uncontrollably. The panic-stricken driver swerved and ended up rolling right over the buffle-headed titmouse. The bird happened to be on Madchester's endangered species list, and local leaders and douche-bags cried histerically upon hearing the news of the bird's demise. It was then decided that the buses would be replaced with safer and more endangered-species-friendly vehicles. A group of bicycle makers formed a think-tank to design these new public transportation vehicles. After a year all they came up with was a three-wheeled device that they called the "Nincompoopian." This machine had a small battery-powered engine that had been taken from an electric weed wacker. Although they were able to make the necessary connection from the motor to the drive shaft, they never figured out how to remove the wacking apperatus (the spool of thick wacking line). This resulted in a very sore buttox as the passenger was repeatedly whipped across the backside by the plastic string. The Nincompoopian suffered other design flaws and could only reach a top speed of 9.63545828923789659824986289769867098709820760 miles per hour (that's 11.7099072878 kilometers/hour for people of the Gandolphredrumustingko persuasion). The Nincompoopian was thus shit-canned, and the people of Madchester are still working on a new form of public transportation. If you have any good ideas, please send your schematic drawings and material specs to the Madchester Dept. of Rolling Things.
 
   
==== Manic-Chest-Hair: The Music Hall ====
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In 1540 Manchester had become an important centre for the trade of linen and wool. This growth lead John Leland, a historian, to observe that Manchester was "The fairest, best builded, quickest, and most populous town of all Lancashire." John Leland was educated in Manchester, which is exactly why he commends how well Manchester was builded. It is also of note that Lancashire contains [[Preston]], a city which could only be less attractive to visitors if it slapped them and then mugged them in the railway station.
aka 'The Folical' was an anti-hair music hall opened by fur-haters during the sexual resurection of the 1760's. Situated in Harpurhey (originally known as 'Hair-pour-Hay' after the French habit of replacing badly cut locks with straw), the music hall was as much a product of the steam razor as it was of the [[hippy]] culture of yesteryear. [[Jimmy Saville]] first played the "Sage of a QueeryArse" here and got boo-ed off stage.
 
   
 
==Architecture==
 
==Architecture==
It is said that Madchester boasts the best array of architecture in the country with the likes of the Arndale and Levenshulme, even better than [[Liverpool]] with their Super Lamb Banana. In recent times the city imposed a strict rule that only allows glass apartments to be built, which results in the city's architectural style of "post-Victorian neo-Euro-contemporary modernism". Nowadays the builders of Madchester are only able to build apartments as living in Moss Side is quite heavenly.
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It is said that Manchester boasts the best array of architecture in the country with the likes of the Arndale and Levenshulme, even better than [[Liverpool]] with their Super Lamb Banana. In recent times the city imposed a strict rule that only allows glass apartments to be built, which results in the city's architectural style of "post-Victorian neo-Euro-contemporary modernism". Nowadays the builders of Manchester are only able to build apartments as living in Moss Side is quite heavenly.
Citizens don't take kindly to bulldozing their old Victorian buildings and burying the city in concrete, as everyone knows no city in England would want to follow the Birmingham way. So many historical gems remain, such as Piccadilly station, overpowering the Brum's New Street station which is comparable to [[Baghdad]]. Madchester's iconic towering landmark Beechams Tower was architecturally modelled around a packet of 10 Lambert & Butler cigarettes, chief designer and zillionaire architect Homer Simpson taking accommodation in the cellar, 100 meters undergound where he hired special machinery to install a venus fly trap on top of his toilet cistern. Simpson worked for 60 years designing the radically shaped, ground breaking... cuboid.
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Citizens don't take kindly to bulldozing their old Victorian buildings and burying the city in concrete, as everyone knows no city in England would want to follow the Birmingham way. So many historical gems remain, such as Piccadilly station, overpowering the Brum's New Street station which is comparable to [[Baghdad]]. Manchester's iconic towering landmark Beetham Tower was architecturally modelled around a packet of 10 Lambert & Butler cigarettes, chief designer and zillionaire architect Homer Simpson taking accommodation in the cellar, 100 meters undergound where he hired special machinery to install a venus fly trap on top of his toilet cistern. Simpson worked for 60 years designing the radically shaped, ground breaking... cuboid.
   
 
==Transport==
 
==Transport==
   
Madchester boasts an adequate transport system. With the influx of traffic from the Traffic Centre, other forms of transport are popular. Including unicycles, ostrich riding, piggy backs, fatman hitching, sewage surfing and warp drive.
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Manchester boasts an adequate transport system. With the influx of traffic from the Traffic Centre, other forms of transport are popular. Including unicycles, ostrich riding, piggy backs, fatman hitching, sewage surfing and warp drive.
   
 
Transport in Greater Manchester was managed by GUMPTY (Going Up My Passage To Yours). After a tea-urn poisoning incident at the Piccadilly Place headquarters and subsequent abduction of their Director General, it was renamed TfGM (they Totally F***** Greater Manchester). TfGM is a publicly-funded public-private quids-in-free-for-all-partnership (the public gives a private company all the money and is left with a few rotten old busses left over from WW2 belching out exhaust fumes, whilst some sod spends the rest on a yacht). TfGM oversees the running of innovative schemes (that will never, ever happen) such as the Leigh Guided Bumway, which involves 2 drunken gayers and a large elephant, painted white.
 
Transport in Greater Manchester was managed by GUMPTY (Going Up My Passage To Yours). After a tea-urn poisoning incident at the Piccadilly Place headquarters and subsequent abduction of their Director General, it was renamed TfGM (they Totally F***** Greater Manchester). TfGM is a publicly-funded public-private quids-in-free-for-all-partnership (the public gives a private company all the money and is left with a few rotten old busses left over from WW2 belching out exhaust fumes, whilst some sod spends the rest on a yacht). TfGM oversees the running of innovative schemes (that will never, ever happen) such as the Leigh Guided Bumway, which involves 2 drunken gayers and a large elephant, painted white.
   
Madchester has just 683,907 train stations, however the stupid transport authority made sure most have only one train a week, in one direction only. There is just one booking office for the entire Greater Manchester network, at Denton, open Tuesdays. Most trains are operated by either Fist Transexual Distress whose managing director used to be 'Big Vern' a leather S&M queen, and Now'then Rail (a Yorkshire based firm). Now'then Rail says it operates a high-tech, clean, modern, reliable fleet of brand new trains and employs Mr I. M. Lying as their PR man. Meanwhile, Fist Transexual Distress again won the "Golden Tippex Award" for honesty in the rail industry 2012, 8th year running. Virgin Trains are supposed to operate into Manchester Picka Willy, but Virgin never go all the way, we're told.
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Manchester has just 683,907 train stations, however the stupid transport authority made sure most have only one train a week, in one direction only. There is just one booking office for the entire Greater Manchester network, at Denton, open Tuesdays. Most trains are operated by either Fist Transexual Distress whose managing director used to be 'Big Vern' a leather S&M queen, and Now'then Rail (a Yorkshire based firm). Now'then Rail says it operates a high-tech, clean, modern, reliable fleet of brand new trains and employs Mr I. M. Lying as their PR man. Meanwhile, Fist Transexual Distress again won the "Golden Tippex Award" for honesty in the rail industry 2012, 8th year running. Virgin Trains are supposed to operate into Manchester Picka Willy, but Virgin never go all the way, we're told.
   
 
Bus services are operated by a Columbian cartel. They are rumoured to have murdered Dennis's, Maynes, UK North, Bu-val and most other smaller bus companies. The standard fare to go one stop is currently £108,203, or 35p for pensioners.
 
Bus services are operated by a Columbian cartel. They are rumoured to have murdered Dennis's, Maynes, UK North, Bu-val and most other smaller bus companies. The standard fare to go one stop is currently £108,203, or 35p for pensioners.
   
Since the demise of the Ring'n'Rim Ride bus system in [[1995]], the people of Madchester have found other ways of getting around. A vehicle called the "Nincompoopian" was discarded after receiving the prestigious Shit-sack award for worst invention of the century and people began hay-balling. Hay-balling started when Trevor Kunkle, a crank maker, stole some hay from a farm in Liverpool. He took the hay and proceeded to wrap it around his body, fixing it in place with duct tape. Once he achieved a firm round shape, he rolled himself down a hillside. This idea took off and soon everyone in Madchester was hay-balling to and from work and school. Eventually the farmers of [[Liverpool]] had enough of people making-off with their hay. Guards wearing football cleats and armed with whips, tennis raquets and attack-goats were placed strategically around the perimeter of Liverpool and the practice of hay-balling was put to rest.
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Since the demise of the Ring'n'Rim Ride bus system in [[1995]], the people of Manchester have found other ways of getting around. A vehicle called the "Nincompoopian" was discarded after receiving the prestigious Shit-sack award for worst invention of the century and people began hay-balling. Hay-balling started when Trevor Kunkle, a crank maker, stole some hay from a farm in Liverpool. He took the hay and proceeded to wrap it around his body, fixing it in place with duct tape. Once he achieved a firm round shape, he rolled himself down a hillside. This idea took off and soon everyone in Manchester was hay-balling to and from work and school. Eventually the farmers of [[Liverpool]] had enough of people making-off with their hay. Guards wearing football cleats and armed with whips, tennis raquets and attack-goats were placed strategically around the perimeter of Liverpool and the practice of hay-balling was put to rest.
 
 
Most people in the city use the world-famous, reliable, all-weather, never breaking down Metrolink trams. Described as “the love child of a train and a handicapped turd” by Sir Nicky Butt in 1997, the Metrolink serves as the chariot of the tramp. (Mostly) free for all who don’t want to pay, it takes people from anywhere in Madchester to such shitty err.. exotic locations as Altrinchav, Bury (the trams, down a hole), and 'the only way is' Eccles. Occasionally Met-heads board and instantly behead / decaffinate those found without tickets. A number of prominent locals reguarly board the Metro, these include Cyril - who stumbles round with 2L of cider and a plastic tesco bag full of tesco bags swearing cheerfully at anybody and everybody. Another regular is Superchav, who has a penchant for wearing adidas shellsuits; he was recently hospitalised after an unfortunate incident which involved both glue sniffing (sticky fingers) and the hands-down-undies thing that chavs do. Finally, the most loved regular is the butane-snorting Gas Lady, so please, please, for the love of God, don't smoke on board. With the expansion of the routes in 2012, the latest line to open is the Wetherfield shuttle service, which involves de-railing and flying towards the 'final destination'. The new yellow trams are sponsored by Zinc Acid, which is etched into every window, (and usually spelt wrong by the div).
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Most people in the city use the world-famous, reliable, all-weather, never breaking down Metrolink trams. Described as “the love child of a train and a handicapped turd” by Sir Nicky Butt in 1997, the Metrolink serves as the chariot of the tramp. (Mostly) free for all who don’t want to pay, it takes people from anywhere in Manchester to such shitty err.. exotic locations as Altrinchav, Bury (the trams, down a hole), and 'the only way is' Eccles. Occasionally Met-heads board and instantly behead / decaffinate those found without tickets. A number of prominent locals reguarly board the Metro, these include Cyril - who stumbles round with 2L of cider and a plastic tesco bag full of tesco bags swearing cheerfully at anybody and everybody. Another regular is Superchav, who has a penchant for wearing adidas shellsuits; he was recently hospitalised after an unfortunate incident which involved both glue sniffing (sticky fingers) and the hands-down-undies thing that chavs do. Finally, the most loved regular is the butane-snorting Gas Lady, so please, please, for the love of God, don't smoke on board. With the expansion of the routes in 2012, the latest line to open is the Wetherfield shuttle service, which involves de-railing and flying towards the 'final destination'. The new yellow trams are sponsored by Zinc Acid, which is etched into every window, (and usually spelt wrong by the div).
   
 
==Tourist Attractions==
 
==Tourist Attractions==
Madchester has many famous attractions for tourists that are visiting the city. Here is a brief selection.
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Manchester has many famous attractions for tourists that are visiting the city. Here is a brief selection.
   
 
====Deansgate====
 
====Deansgate====
   
The proud showpiece / ringpeice of Madchester and the best place outside London. Common first impressions includes 'Crikey, its uglier than a rectal prolapse' and 'fuck me, I should've stayed int 'ull.'
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The proud showpiece / ringpeice of Manchester and the best place outside London. Common first impressions includes 'Crikey, its uglier than a rectal prolapse' and 'fuck me, I should've stayed int 'ull.'
   
====The Madchester Stupid Idiots Museum====
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====The Manchester Stupid Idiots Museum====
Home of the famous people that were born in Madchester, or have been famous as a result of being in Madchester. As they are such stupid [[John Kerry|idiots]] they are trapped inside the museum even though there is an easy way to get out. Many can be seen wandering around, and you can even ask them questions. Such people are: footballer [[David Beckham]], [[You]], A man who thought a train would stop if he stood in front of it, and many many more.
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Home of the famous people that were born in Manchester, or have been famous as a result of being in Manchester. As they are such stupid [[John Kerry|idiots]] they are trapped inside the museum even though there is an easy way to get out. Many can be seen wandering around, and you can even ask them questions. Such people are: footballer [[David Beckham]], [[You]], A man who thought a train would stop if he stood in front of it, and many many more.
   
 
====Gay Street====
 
====Gay Street====
Line 52: Line 52:
   
 
====Beat'ham Tower====
 
====Beat'ham Tower====
For 43 years Madchester held the record for the tallest council house outside of London, the CIS ('''C'''havs '''I'''n '''S'''alford coz there ain't no chavs 'ere) Tower. However, in 2006 it lost this title to [[Birmingham]] Clown Circus, which was made taller with a sign on the rooftop saying "Fuck off, we are the second city". Enraged, Madchester later that year completed a taller building, twatting Birmingham's tower by miles, with a screen projection on the front reading, "We're gonner get [[Noel Gallagher]] on yer". The tower has been named the Beat'ham Tower to remind the Brummies that no-one messes with Madcunians.
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For 43 years Manchester held the record for the tallest council house outside of London, the CIS ('''C'''havs '''I'''n '''S'''alford coz there ain't no chavs 'ere) Tower. However, in 2006 it lost this title to [[Birmingham]] Clown Circus, which was made taller with a sign on the rooftop saying "Fuck off, we are the second city". Enraged, Manchester later that year completed a taller building, twatting Birmingham's tower by miles, with a screen projection on the front reading, "We're gonner get [[Noel Gallagher]] on yer". The tower has been named the Beat'ham Tower to remind the Brummies that no-one messes with Madcunians.
 
This resulted in a <s>riot</s> bit of fisticuffs in Birmingham, set off by Noel, ensuing the local village council to build taller buildings, using newfangled materials such as "steel", instead of their traditional concrete, but so far met with no progress.
 
This resulted in a <s>riot</s> bit of fisticuffs in Birmingham, set off by Noel, ensuing the local village council to build taller buildings, using newfangled materials such as "steel", instead of their traditional concrete, but so far met with no progress.
   
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====MEN Arena====
 
====MEN Arena====
The [[EastEnders|Christian Clarke]] shopping centre of Madchester. He comes all the way from Albert Square to shop for a new man, pass wind, and get a Madchester souvenier - a pickle that was lying on the floor. It gets it's name from a local businessman's [[patent|patented]] free daily newspaper, The Manchester Evening Nap, which causes anyone to read it to instantly fall asleep. Ghost Haunt the MEN Arena on a regular basis everyday at exactly 2:13pm in the afternoon. The local bus service to get you there runs every 5 hours despite the fact that it's walkable from Victoria Station
+
The [[EastEnders|Christian Clarke]] shopping centre of Manchester. He comes all the way from Albert Square to shop for a new man, pass wind, and get a Manchester souvenier - a pickle that was lying on the floor. It gets it's name from a local businessman's [[patent|patented]] free daily newspaper, The Manchester Evening Nap, which causes anyone to read it to instantly fall asleep. Ghost Haunt the MEN Arena on a regular basis everyday at exactly 2:13pm in the afternoon. The local bus service to get you there runs every 5 hours despite the fact that it's walkable from Victoria Station
   
 
====Apollo Crator====
 
====Apollo Crator====
   
Although [[NASA]] would like you to believe that [[Apollo 13]] bus is still in service running up and down between Madchester and [[London]]. It did indeed crash in the site now known as the Apollo Crator, situated next door is now a small unknown theater, purely designed to cash in on tourists trying to see the crash scene. Apollo 14 was later renamed as Apollo 13 to fool the residents of Madchester and London into thinking that the bus service was never under threat. A brand new Stagecoach bus service in the form of 192 took over Apollo 13, with new but cheaper Enviro 400s carry no less than 456 billion aliens to and from Stockport every single day except January the 12th.
+
Although [[NASA]] would like you to believe that [[Apollo 13]] bus is still in service running up and down between Manchester and [[London]]. It did indeed crash in the site now known as the Apollo Crator, situated next door is now a small unknown theater, purely designed to cash in on tourists trying to see the crash scene. Apollo 14 was later renamed as Apollo 13 to fool the residents of Manchester and London into thinking that the bus service was never under threat. A brand new Stagecoach bus service in the form of 192 took over Apollo 13, with new but cheaper Enviro 400s carry no less than 456 billion aliens to and from Stockport every single day except January the 12th.
   
 
====The Ruins of the Winter Hill Television Transmitter====
 
====The Ruins of the Winter Hill Television Transmitter====
   
In [[1968]] the Great fire caused the destruction of The Winter Hill transmitter which had stood on the hill since 1954. The site is chiefly of interest because the mayor collided with it in his Morris Mini while fleeing the fire and killed himself - vast crowds of workers cheered at his death as he was the most evil supervillian in Madchester's recent history.
+
In [[1968]] the Great fire caused the destruction of The Winter Hill transmitter which had stood on the hill since 1954. The site is chiefly of interest because the mayor collided with it in his Morris Mini while fleeing the fire and killed himself - vast crowds of workers cheered at his death as he was the most evil supervillian in Manchester's recent history.
   
 
====Manchester City====
 
====Manchester City====
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====Traffic Centre====
 
====Traffic Centre====
[[Image:Manchester_city_stadium1.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Home of Madchester Council House City]]
+
[[Image:Manchester_city_stadium1.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Home of Manchester Council House City]]
 
The place on [[Britain|britain's]] motorway network that introduces traffic to everywhere else in the world. Tourists can see how traffic jams are made and then later sent out to the various parts of the world slowing it down. Tourists can ride in their own traffic jam, and buy a traffic jam for their own town or country. The [[Railway|Railways]] have recently been protesting against the use of the traffic centre as it is causing a surge in lateness, as the [[trains]] have patented lateness the road network has to pay out in passengers to the trains.
 
The place on [[Britain|britain's]] motorway network that introduces traffic to everywhere else in the world. Tourists can see how traffic jams are made and then later sent out to the various parts of the world slowing it down. Tourists can ride in their own traffic jam, and buy a traffic jam for their own town or country. The [[Railway|Railways]] have recently been protesting against the use of the traffic centre as it is causing a surge in lateness, as the [[trains]] have patented lateness the road network has to pay out in passengers to the trains.
   
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Only dumb blonds are likely to visit Manchester, so it's a toss up between a shiny set of car keys and the traffic signals as the greater dumb blond attraction to this dirty ol' towne.
 
Only dumb blonds are likely to visit Manchester, so it's a toss up between a shiny set of car keys and the traffic signals as the greater dumb blond attraction to this dirty ol' towne.
   
====The Madchester Ship Canal====
+
====The Manchester Ship Canal====
   
 
Opened in [[1939]] as a failed means of deflecting [[German]] bombers towards [[Liverpool]] which succeeded in destroying much of the city, the three hundred mile canal was dug by Urmston Women's Institute using knitting needles and old cutlery. It's primarily used as an open sewer to feed the starving people of Moss Side - who live off human faeces but recently tourists have been flocking to watch drugged-up old queens floating down from Gay Street.
 
Opened in [[1939]] as a failed means of deflecting [[German]] bombers towards [[Liverpool]] which succeeded in destroying much of the city, the three hundred mile canal was dug by Urmston Women's Institute using knitting needles and old cutlery. It's primarily used as an open sewer to feed the starving people of Moss Side - who live off human faeces but recently tourists have been flocking to watch drugged-up old queens floating down from Gay Street.
Line 90: Line 90:
 
''See main article [[Coronation Street]]''
 
''See main article [[Coronation Street]]''
   
This is one of the most popular streets in Madchester, despite going against the common Madchunian values of happiness (it is excused as it occasionally promotes inbreeding). It also has one of the most popular slave labour based factories in the UK.
+
This is one of the most popular streets in Manchester, despite going against the common Madchunian values of happiness (it is excused as it occasionally promotes inbreeding). It also has one of the most popular slave labour based factories in the UK.
   
 
==Sports==
 
==Sports==
 
[[Image:Hacienda-1.jpg|right|thumb|250pxpx|The Hacienda]]
 
[[Image:Hacienda-1.jpg|right|thumb|250pxpx|The Hacienda]]
The national [[sport]] of Madchester is Rioting. In city schools, this is encouraged on sports day with the sack race (sack of vodka bottles nicked from Tesco) and the Egg, Spoon and Plasma TV race. The local council introduced laws in 2011 which allow the shooting, burning or raping of hoodies after dark.
+
The national [[sport]] of Manchester is Rioting. In city schools, this is encouraged on sports day with the sack race (sack of vodka bottles nicked from Tesco) and the Egg, Spoon and Plasma TV race. The local council introduced laws in 2011 which allow the shooting, burning or raping of hoodies after dark.
   
Madchester is also home to the to a once great team, [[Manchester United|United]], who are in fact owned by Roman Abramovic, the communist overlord of [[Chelsea FC|Chelski]]. It is commonly known that Old Trafford is where Arsenal concede 8 goals. Matches between the [[Arsenal|London Brawl]] and [[Manchester United|United]] are highlights of the British sports calendar every year, but usually end up in a brawl on the streets. Way back in 1919 United started a spin-off team, [[Madchester Oasis|Madchester City]]. In their first season they were in the European cup final, which they lost and confidence was severely knocked. They gained large debts through manager Wayne Rooney's gambling problem, Rooney soon finding himself sacked as a result.
+
Manchester is also home to the to a once great team, [[Manchester United|United]], who are in fact owned by Roman Abramovic, the communist overlord of [[Chelsea FC|Chelski]]. It is commonly known that Old Trafford is where Arsenal concede 8 goals. Matches between the [[Arsenal|London Brawl]] and [[Manchester United|United]] are highlights of the British sports calendar every year, but usually end up in a brawl on the streets. Way back in 1919 United started a spin-off team, [[Manchester Oasis|Manchester City]]. In their first season they were in the European cup final, which they lost and confidence was severely knocked. They gained large debts through manager Wayne Rooney's gambling problem, Rooney soon finding himself sacked as a result.
   
Madchester hosted the XVII Commoners' Games in 2002 but the eventended within a day because many of the athletes couldn't tell which gunshot was from the starter's pistol. Many were robbed and stabbed during the opening event. This involved peasants from around the world playing simple games, followed by the Madchester citizens laughing at them - if they didn't make anyone laugh, they would be executed. This ended in an enormous pub crawl, during which all the pubs in the city being drunk dry. Many accused those who organised the events such as "watch the poor foreigner dance badly" of being [[racist]]. The government didn't approve of these comments, and as a result had them dance badly to see how it is done. The did very well, to their suprise, and were quickly executed.
+
Manchester hosted the XVII Commoners' Games in 2002 but the eventended within a day because many of the athletes couldn't tell which gunshot was from the starter's pistol. Many were robbed and stabbed during the opening event. This involved peasants from around the world playing simple games, followed by the Manchester citizens laughing at them - if they didn't make anyone laugh, they would be executed. This ended in an enormous pub crawl, during which all the pubs in the city being drunk dry. Many accused those who organised the events such as "watch the poor foreigner dance badly" of being [[racist]]. The government didn't approve of these comments, and as a result had them dance badly to see how it is done. The did very well, to their suprise, and were quickly executed.
   
 
==Facts==
 
==Facts==
*Baggy is the official religion of Madchester, although [[house]] does have a small and all too vocal following of late.
+
*Baggy is the official religion of Manchester, although [[house]] does have a small and all too vocal following of late.
*Madchester is also known for its competitions to see who can out-chav each other, which is why Madchester became off limits to the world.
+
*Manchester is also known for its competitions to see who can out-chav each other, which is why Manchester became off limits to the world.
*Stockport is a cult started in [[1992]] following the discovery of ancient [[Romans|Roman]] artifacts. The discovery was made by Mr. Burnard Manning on an archaeological dig in the south Madchester wastelands. After presenting his discovery to the archaeological foundation society, many people thought this unearthing was a sign from the prophet "Bræbure" who warned of the coming of the apocalypse, or "þryīngtoān". Stockport is also home to all Manchester City fans.
+
*Stockport is a cult started in [[1992]] following the discovery of ancient [[Romans|Roman]] artifacts. The discovery was made by Mr. Burnard Manning on an archaeological dig in the south Manchester wastelands. After presenting his discovery to the archaeological foundation society, many people thought this unearthing was a sign from the prophet "Bræbure" who warned of the coming of the apocalypse, or "þryīngtoān". Stockport is also home to all Manchester City fans.
 
*Barnsley is better.
 
*Barnsley is better.
 
*Followers made settlements close to the findings and named it after the prophet "Bræbure" or "Bredbury" in hope of spiritural enlightment and protection from the apocalypse. Soon after their arrival, there was a dispute regarding incest. Later that day it was agreed that some were to leave and make another settlement nearby to carryout their practice undisturbed. This settlement was dubbed as "þryīngtoān" or "Brinnington" in spite.
 
*Followers made settlements close to the findings and named it after the prophet "Bræbure" or "Bredbury" in hope of spiritural enlightment and protection from the apocalypse. Soon after their arrival, there was a dispute regarding incest. Later that day it was agreed that some were to leave and make another settlement nearby to carryout their practice undisturbed. This settlement was dubbed as "þryīngtoān" or "Brinnington" in spite.
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{{Britain}}
 
{{Britain}}
{{Lancashire}}
 
<br>
 
{{Greater manchester}}
 
 
   
 
[[pt:Manchester]]
 
[[pt:Manchester]]

Latest revision as of 08:26, August 20, 2014

If you meant the largest city in New Hampshire, you will have to make do with Nashua instead.
“Oh Yeah I Think I Live There ”
~ Wayne Rooney on Manchester
“I would like to live in Manchester. The transition between it and death would be unnoticeable.”
~ Mark Twain on Manchester

Manchester is an inhabited landfill site located in the North West of England. Manchester is also notable for having one of the highest rates of gun crime in the UK. Local priests have recently called for Manchester to be twinned with Hell in the hope that hell will take notes, adapt a Mancunian approach to living and a new sense of pride can be had down there. Whilst most of Manchester makes the slums of Rio de Janeiro appear upmarket and chic, the exception to this is Piccadilly station - because it's the quickest way out.

The residents of Manchester, Mancunians, are known for their sloping brows, long arms which enable the ape-like walk, and their unexplainable obsession with the people of Liverpool.

edit History

The original site of Manchester had been lost for centuries, but was unfortunately found by the Romans in around 79 AD, a time in history where the Romans were engaged in both founding the large conurbations of modern Britain and burning the conurbations of Celtic Britain. The Romans constructed a fort on the site and named it "Mamcunium", this is Latin for "Breast-like hill" (seriously) for the hill the original site of Manchester was based upon looked very much like a boob. The fort was originally intended to protect several of the other northern settlements in Roman England from the Celts, it performed this task for over 200 years until the Celts realised that a hill shaped like a breast just wasn't worth several thousand casualties per year.

Following the Roman occupation Manchester began development into a much larger settlement, it flourished due to its favourable position on the rivers Irwell and Irk, the fact it was shaped like a boob and the fertile land that surrounded it. That is until 1066 when William the conqueror sought to subjugate the north of England and burned large sections of Manchester to the ground and dissuaded the residents from following Yorkshire into rebellion by starving and executing them. William the conqueror was not altogether concerned by the resemblance of the settlement to a breast, historians have yet to ascertain exactly why this was.

Following the tumultuous 11th, 12th and 13th centuries Manchester stormed back onto the national stage by, in 1421, building a small collegiate church containing a school of music and a library. This was big news in the 15th century and, according to the Greater Manchester Tourist board it is still big news today as the library is still open today and, due to Manchester's generally lacklustre standards of literacy, has yet to actually loan any books.

In 1540 Manchester had become an important centre for the trade of linen and wool. This growth lead John Leland, a historian, to observe that Manchester was "The fairest, best builded, quickest, and most populous town of all Lancashire." John Leland was educated in Manchester, which is exactly why he commends how well Manchester was builded. It is also of note that Lancashire contains Preston, a city which could only be less attractive to visitors if it slapped them and then mugged them in the railway station.

edit Architecture

It is said that Manchester boasts the best array of architecture in the country with the likes of the Arndale and Levenshulme, even better than Liverpool with their Super Lamb Banana. In recent times the city imposed a strict rule that only allows glass apartments to be built, which results in the city's architectural style of "post-Victorian neo-Euro-contemporary modernism". Nowadays the builders of Manchester are only able to build apartments as living in Moss Side is quite heavenly. Citizens don't take kindly to bulldozing their old Victorian buildings and burying the city in concrete, as everyone knows no city in England would want to follow the Birmingham way. So many historical gems remain, such as Piccadilly station, overpowering the Brum's New Street station which is comparable to Baghdad. Manchester's iconic towering landmark Beetham Tower was architecturally modelled around a packet of 10 Lambert & Butler cigarettes, chief designer and zillionaire architect Homer Simpson taking accommodation in the cellar, 100 meters undergound where he hired special machinery to install a venus fly trap on top of his toilet cistern. Simpson worked for 60 years designing the radically shaped, ground breaking... cuboid.

edit Transport

Manchester boasts an adequate transport system. With the influx of traffic from the Traffic Centre, other forms of transport are popular. Including unicycles, ostrich riding, piggy backs, fatman hitching, sewage surfing and warp drive.

Transport in Greater Manchester was managed by GUMPTY (Going Up My Passage To Yours). After a tea-urn poisoning incident at the Piccadilly Place headquarters and subsequent abduction of their Director General, it was renamed TfGM (they Totally F***** Greater Manchester). TfGM is a publicly-funded public-private quids-in-free-for-all-partnership (the public gives a private company all the money and is left with a few rotten old busses left over from WW2 belching out exhaust fumes, whilst some sod spends the rest on a yacht). TfGM oversees the running of innovative schemes (that will never, ever happen) such as the Leigh Guided Bumway, which involves 2 drunken gayers and a large elephant, painted white.

Manchester has just 683,907 train stations, however the stupid transport authority made sure most have only one train a week, in one direction only. There is just one booking office for the entire Greater Manchester network, at Denton, open Tuesdays. Most trains are operated by either Fist Transexual Distress whose managing director used to be 'Big Vern' a leather S&M queen, and Now'then Rail (a Yorkshire based firm). Now'then Rail says it operates a high-tech, clean, modern, reliable fleet of brand new trains and employs Mr I. M. Lying as their PR man. Meanwhile, Fist Transexual Distress again won the "Golden Tippex Award" for honesty in the rail industry 2012, 8th year running. Virgin Trains are supposed to operate into Manchester Picka Willy, but Virgin never go all the way, we're told.

Bus services are operated by a Columbian cartel. They are rumoured to have murdered Dennis's, Maynes, UK North, Bu-val and most other smaller bus companies. The standard fare to go one stop is currently £108,203, or 35p for pensioners.

Since the demise of the Ring'n'Rim Ride bus system in 1995, the people of Manchester have found other ways of getting around. A vehicle called the "Nincompoopian" was discarded after receiving the prestigious Shit-sack award for worst invention of the century and people began hay-balling. Hay-balling started when Trevor Kunkle, a crank maker, stole some hay from a farm in Liverpool. He took the hay and proceeded to wrap it around his body, fixing it in place with duct tape. Once he achieved a firm round shape, he rolled himself down a hillside. This idea took off and soon everyone in Manchester was hay-balling to and from work and school. Eventually the farmers of Liverpool had enough of people making-off with their hay. Guards wearing football cleats and armed with whips, tennis raquets and attack-goats were placed strategically around the perimeter of Liverpool and the practice of hay-balling was put to rest.

Most people in the city use the world-famous, reliable, all-weather, never breaking down Metrolink trams. Described as “the love child of a train and a handicapped turd” by Sir Nicky Butt in 1997, the Metrolink serves as the chariot of the tramp. (Mostly) free for all who don’t want to pay, it takes people from anywhere in Manchester to such shitty err.. exotic locations as Altrinchav, Bury (the trams, down a hole), and 'the only way is' Eccles. Occasionally Met-heads board and instantly behead / decaffinate those found without tickets. A number of prominent locals reguarly board the Metro, these include Cyril - who stumbles round with 2L of cider and a plastic tesco bag full of tesco bags swearing cheerfully at anybody and everybody. Another regular is Superchav, who has a penchant for wearing adidas shellsuits; he was recently hospitalised after an unfortunate incident which involved both glue sniffing (sticky fingers) and the hands-down-undies thing that chavs do. Finally, the most loved regular is the butane-snorting Gas Lady, so please, please, for the love of God, don't smoke on board. With the expansion of the routes in 2012, the latest line to open is the Wetherfield shuttle service, which involves de-railing and flying towards the 'final destination'. The new yellow trams are sponsored by Zinc Acid, which is etched into every window, (and usually spelt wrong by the div).

edit Tourist Attractions

Manchester has many famous attractions for tourists that are visiting the city. Here is a brief selection.

edit Deansgate

The proud showpiece / ringpeice of Manchester and the best place outside London. Common first impressions includes 'Crikey, its uglier than a rectal prolapse' and 'fuck me, I should've stayed int 'ull.'

edit The Manchester Stupid Idiots Museum

Home of the famous people that were born in Manchester, or have been famous as a result of being in Manchester. As they are such stupid idiots they are trapped inside the museum even though there is an easy way to get out. Many can be seen wandering around, and you can even ask them questions. Such people are: footballer David Beckham, You, A man who thought a train would stop if he stood in front of it, and many many more.

edit Gay Street

A short back passage, just off Princess Street, where heterosexuals go to gawp at The Gays. Now designated a Site of Scientific Infest by the Department Of Boys. This article is actual truth. Do not believe otherwise.

The founders of gay street were born in 3 billion B.C, Bristolians who were so jealous of the coolness of Manchester, they tried to become Mancunian by creating this road. Their names are inscribed on the entrance to Gay Street.

To add further to the absolute truth the main street in The Gay village was aptly named Canal Street. After being a renouned place of gay gatherings the local populous went out armed with tip-ex and removed the C and S to read Anal treet.

edit Beat'ham Tower

For 43 years Manchester held the record for the tallest council house outside of London, the CIS (Chavs In Salford coz there ain't no chavs 'ere) Tower. However, in 2006 it lost this title to Birmingham Clown Circus, which was made taller with a sign on the rooftop saying "Fuck off, we are the second city". Enraged, Manchester later that year completed a taller building, twatting Birmingham's tower by miles, with a screen projection on the front reading, "We're gonner get Noel Gallagher on yer". The tower has been named the Beat'ham Tower to remind the Brummies that no-one messes with Madcunians. This resulted in a riot bit of fisticuffs in Birmingham, set off by Noel, ensuing the local village council to build taller buildings, using newfangled materials such as "steel", instead of their traditional concrete, but so far met with no progress.

It also doubles the world's tallest slidy-fronted phone.

edit MEN Arena

The Christian Clarke shopping centre of Manchester. He comes all the way from Albert Square to shop for a new man, pass wind, and get a Manchester souvenier - a pickle that was lying on the floor. It gets it's name from a local businessman's patented free daily newspaper, The Manchester Evening Nap, which causes anyone to read it to instantly fall asleep. Ghost Haunt the MEN Arena on a regular basis everyday at exactly 2:13pm in the afternoon. The local bus service to get you there runs every 5 hours despite the fact that it's walkable from Victoria Station

edit Apollo Crator

Although NASA would like you to believe that Apollo 13 bus is still in service running up and down between Manchester and London. It did indeed crash in the site now known as the Apollo Crator, situated next door is now a small unknown theater, purely designed to cash in on tourists trying to see the crash scene. Apollo 14 was later renamed as Apollo 13 to fool the residents of Manchester and London into thinking that the bus service was never under threat. A brand new Stagecoach bus service in the form of 192 took over Apollo 13, with new but cheaper Enviro 400s carry no less than 456 billion aliens to and from Stockport every single day except January the 12th.

edit The Ruins of the Winter Hill Television Transmitter

In 1968 the Great fire caused the destruction of The Winter Hill transmitter which had stood on the hill since 1954. The site is chiefly of interest because the mayor collided with it in his Morris Mini while fleeing the fire and killed himself - vast crowds of workers cheered at his death as he was the most evil supervillian in Manchester's recent history.

edit Manchester City

Non League outfit no one outside of Stockport knew existed until a rich Arab prince found a magical lamp amongst his inherited riches. The prince wished for Manchester United but alas, that team had already been stolen by an evil American warlock. Instead all he got was a rented stadium and an average English player named Micah, who is always injured by after running 200 Mph

The prince was upset but not to waste that big empty stadium in a horrible part of Manchester. After all Trafford and Manchester's borders moved years ago putting Manchester United 2mm outside of Manchester giving Manchester City the overcompensating title of 'Only club in Manchester ' Which all City fans would rather have instead of stacks of trophies. He spent £50000 trillion dollars which all proved worth it when Arabchester City won the sweet-FA cup ending a 100 year wait for a trophy to stick in the princes magic cave. A year later, City won the Premier League in the last 2 minutes of the season. Fergies face was seen live on telly going to celebrate with the fans, until news came through that they had lost it. It is said to have been the funniest moment on national tv in the past 100 years. His face turned pink and choked on a chewing gum, looking like a penis.

edit Traffic Centre

Manchester city stadium1

Home of Manchester Council House City

The place on britain's motorway network that introduces traffic to everywhere else in the world. Tourists can see how traffic jams are made and then later sent out to the various parts of the world slowing it down. Tourists can ride in their own traffic jam, and buy a traffic jam for their own town or country. The Railways have recently been protesting against the use of the traffic centre as it is causing a surge in lateness, as the trains have patented lateness the road network has to pay out in passengers to the trains.

edit The Traffic Signals

Only dumb blonds are likely to visit Manchester, so it's a toss up between a shiny set of car keys and the traffic signals as the greater dumb blond attraction to this dirty ol' towne.

edit The Manchester Ship Canal

Opened in 1939 as a failed means of deflecting German bombers towards Liverpool which succeeded in destroying much of the city, the three hundred mile canal was dug by Urmston Women's Institute using knitting needles and old cutlery. It's primarily used as an open sewer to feed the starving people of Moss Side - who live off human faeces but recently tourists have been flocking to watch drugged-up old queens floating down from Gay Street.

edit Coronation Street

See main article Coronation Street

This is one of the most popular streets in Manchester, despite going against the common Madchunian values of happiness (it is excused as it occasionally promotes inbreeding). It also has one of the most popular slave labour based factories in the UK.

edit Sports

Hacienda-1

The Hacienda

The national sport of Manchester is Rioting. In city schools, this is encouraged on sports day with the sack race (sack of vodka bottles nicked from Tesco) and the Egg, Spoon and Plasma TV race. The local council introduced laws in 2011 which allow the shooting, burning or raping of hoodies after dark.

Manchester is also home to the to a once great team, United, who are in fact owned by Roman Abramovic, the communist overlord of Chelski. It is commonly known that Old Trafford is where Arsenal concede 8 goals. Matches between the London Brawl and United are highlights of the British sports calendar every year, but usually end up in a brawl on the streets. Way back in 1919 United started a spin-off team, Manchester City. In their first season they were in the European cup final, which they lost and confidence was severely knocked. They gained large debts through manager Wayne Rooney's gambling problem, Rooney soon finding himself sacked as a result.

Manchester hosted the XVII Commoners' Games in 2002 but the eventended within a day because many of the athletes couldn't tell which gunshot was from the starter's pistol. Many were robbed and stabbed during the opening event. This involved peasants from around the world playing simple games, followed by the Manchester citizens laughing at them - if they didn't make anyone laugh, they would be executed. This ended in an enormous pub crawl, during which all the pubs in the city being drunk dry. Many accused those who organised the events such as "watch the poor foreigner dance badly" of being racist. The government didn't approve of these comments, and as a result had them dance badly to see how it is done. The did very well, to their suprise, and were quickly executed.

edit Facts

  • Baggy is the official religion of Manchester, although house does have a small and all too vocal following of late.
  • Manchester is also known for its competitions to see who can out-chav each other, which is why Manchester became off limits to the world.
  • Stockport is a cult started in 1992 following the discovery of ancient Roman artifacts. The discovery was made by Mr. Burnard Manning on an archaeological dig in the south Manchester wastelands. After presenting his discovery to the archaeological foundation society, many people thought this unearthing was a sign from the prophet "Bræbure" who warned of the coming of the apocalypse, or "þryīngtoān". Stockport is also home to all Manchester City fans.
  • Barnsley is better.
  • Followers made settlements close to the findings and named it after the prophet "Bræbure" or "Bredbury" in hope of spiritural enlightment and protection from the apocalypse. Soon after their arrival, there was a dispute regarding incest. Later that day it was agreed that some were to leave and make another settlement nearby to carryout their practice undisturbed. This settlement was dubbed as "þryīngtoān" or "Brinnington" in spite.
  • Manchester was tradionly Prodastant but everone acted Catholic and the City made Baggy the city religion.
  • Manchesters official currency is crack cocaine.
  • Luciano Luciano he costs less that Berbatov, and he score more goals


edit Getting Laid with Girls and the Like

The notion of going out in Manchester can be a daunting one though there are generally considered a few work-arounds:

  1. VK Blue - The fast-track way to securing company for the evening would be to load your target full of these delightufl beverages. Though the costs may mount up (Manchester Girls are seasoned veterans and you are likely to be up against 3 bottles of red wine before the taxi arrived earlier that afternoon) you will find that this method will prove most useful when all else fails.
  2. A Buzz Cut - What's more manly than a sleekly gelled carpet of hair on your crown? Nothing, that's what.
  3. Something with 'Henleys' on - This works like a charm. Though pictoral evidence is yet to surmount in this post, even shouting the word 'HENLEYS' in your target's face loosens knicker elastic within a 12 foot radius. If you can imply textured lettering or a gold motif in your voice tone, then knees will weaken in your wake.
  4. An Attitude - Girls like men with attitude. Demonstrate this by arguing with taxi drivers, punching wing mirrors and shouting obscenities at people as they drive past. Openly mocking your fellow alpha males is considered a plus. (ED. - Having a female wing running after you screaming "it's not worf it, it's not worf it" can assist you here.)
  5. Little or No Knowledge of your Surroundings - I can recall a date with an ex where a suave young dapper chappy was bellowing the words 'SOSSAGE BARM' at an unsuspecting employee in Subway one night. How I awed him.

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