Apple

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 21:10, January 23, 2013 by SPIKE (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Apple-cookies

Original Macintosh cookies.

The Apple Mac (or Macintosh) is a well-known brand of high quality biscuits, ranging from French Macaroons to Digestives for the elderly in need of a gastrointestinal jump-start. By the time founder Steve Jobs had passed away he was the undisputed champion of edible technology and Americas true kitchen icon.

Apple's triumph in the global cookie industry has been based on a clear ideology of innovation, flour to water ratio control and heaps of determination. In due time, Apple soared through the biscuit market and survived the various pastry crises of the 1980s defeating economist's expectations again and again. Their most recent triumphs have been: the release of the double glazed iFone, the iMac and cheese (not quite a pastry) and the instant toastable and disposable iTarts. They are all considered the top of their class and are said to be trully are yum yum.


Macbook Air

Pastrythin

A roll of ultra thin pastry used in the production of Macbook Air. The pastry is further rolled out, flattened and then manipulated to appear as an almost translucent and flaky patsry when baked.

The Macbook air was an incredible experiment in non-existant technical design and the minimalistic use of Helium, Nitrogen and Neon in quantities that the world's kitchen has never seen before. Apple dared to use a teaspoon less of Nitrogen and half a cup more of Neon than any tech lab could fathom. These biscuits were engineered to be as thin as air and disolve in your hand on its way to your mouth. Apple was able to offer everything any customer would want in the pastry business: traditional recipees meeting hi tech fantasy and an absolute minimum amount of calories. The Macbook Air Wafers took ten years to produce and were sold out a year before they were put on sale. Apple decided not to continue with the Macbook Air though there are rumours of its reintroduction as several former customers have threatened to commit suicide if the line is permanantly discontinued.

iPhone

The iPhone is an edible, and versitile Bourbon biscuit. The iPhone was the first customizable biscuit product that could adapt to the needs of customers based on the language they spoke, the needs of their working/leisure life and their ability to process sugar through their pancreases. The iPhone is portable and can be taken anywhere, is durable and can be placed safely in any pocket and will stay intact, even if dropped from 10 meters in the air. It contains more vitamins and minerals than the next two leading telecommunication snacks combined. The more recent versions relate to the iMac, since they are all getting smaller and smaller over time. The iPhone 4 was a major breakthrough in cream biscuits, since it was different than any other biscuit known to Bourbon. Indeed, the introduction of Bourbon to the biscuit improved it vastly.

iPhone 4S

The iPhone 4S is the most complicated and exclusive biscuit to reach humanity. It is the equivalent of strawberry champagne snaps, Parisian macaroons and vanilla oreo cream puffs, all elegantly placed into an elegant yet bitable frame. The 4S comes not only with several manuals and various tools to enhance the digestive process, but also a "personal assistant" named Siri, who will advice you which flavour module of the 4S you should eat based on its measurements of your gastric tract and status of your bladder and bowels. Siri's best quality is the ability to make your iPhone experience less complicated and more savoury, less rigamerole and more satisfaction. Those who can afford the iPhone 4S are known to own even three of them, one in their office, one at home and one that their family doesn't even know about. Apple realises that the iPhone 4S mega biscuit, is a source of guilty pleasure and the secret of the rich and famous.

iPhone 5

“Yummy!”
~ Fat Kid's reaction to the new slick biscuit
“Suck on that, fuckers”
~ Steve Jobs rubbing it in at Microsoft

Originaly released by Steve jobs in hell heaven the Afterlife, the iPhone 5 is fully packed with the latest biscuit technology. It has been a revolutionary breakthrough in the biscuit market. To produce this amazing treat, Apple knew they had to bring in something new ... an amazing mix of the Custard Cream and the Rich Tea. It was perfect! And it was, the new biscuit is selling like crazy, who would have thought that just blending two normal biscuits together would kick Microsoft's asses so damn hard!

iMac

Molecular diagram

The melecular diagram of dough proteins and baking soda chains in one of apples products.

The first collection of food stuff was revealed on January 24, 1984 when founder Steve Jobs created his first marketable invention in his mother's kitchen. The iMac and cheese was Apples first commercial success and the profits went to create Apple's first subsidiary. While Apple wasn't the first company to sell boxes of orange chemical cheese powder and macaroni made of shredded news paper, he was the first to do so with colourful packaging and state of the art branding and marketing. After making a fortune in Apple's IPO, Job's directed the company away from college food and into the competitive pastry market against the sound advice of everyone around him. Those who stayed are now rich and those who left became depressed and over weight couch potatos.

The iDanish

The iDanish was a bold experiment and a new ways of thinking about an old product. How could apple take a round tin of Danish cookies and make them richer, more efficient and extra buttery? By compacting a cookies density and cutting them into courageously new shapes, Apple managed to achieve optimal tin space and caloric economy. When Steve Jobs first told the public about the iDanish no one believed it could be done. No biscuit manufacture had ever managed to fit two kilos of condensed cookies into a small tin box let alone 200 tons of it. Apple achieved its goal in record time and brought brittle cookies into the modern era. Scandanavian desserts became "cool" and the industry never looked back.

Mac Mini

Overview hero1

The brand new Mac Mini with its own serial numbers to identify individual cookies from each other

The not-so-long-ago release of the Mac Mini has encountered many problems, like flavour information loss and compression failure. French chefs have recently fixed these problems and Apple hopes that they can continue to sell the Mac Mini after its crumbly beginning. Even Bill Gates is recorded as saying "It's even more delicious than the original. It makes me want to get back into the baking industry and I would in a sec if I didn't spend so much time helping AIDS and mourning the loss of my only worthy opponent in life".

Niche

The Macintosh Biscuit Family is not just a variety of cookies sold on the open market, but in its inner core, is a philosophy. It's a philosophy of life, of living, of being alive and consuming lightly sugared baked flour food stuff. Ultimately, it is a tasty delight craved by a small yet gastronomic savy, intelectually gifted and fashion forward sector of the human race. As long as Macintosh realises what is ultimately important, that is, the over all cosmic experience of consuming really good cookies in a way that no one dare dreamed, at prices the upper middle class can afford, it will be able to continue innovating and fulfilling its dream to make its mark forever in the worlds bakeries and cookie jars.

   v  d  e
Apple is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.
Personal tools
projects