Macintosh
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“If you stick your tongue out and say 'Apple' it sounds like ASSHOLE! Which now makes a TON of sense”
~ Oscar Wilde on typical Apple Users
“So what if I only control 100% of all computers? Dell wont be laughing when I rule the world!”
~ Steve Jobs on Why Macs Suck
“Macs rule; my fucking house was designed by one. I'm to much of a fan boy to admit it... Shit...”
~ Bill Gates on Macs
Macintosh, or Mac, is a brand name which covers several lines of personal computers designed, developed, and marketed by Apple Inc. These lines are generally packaged and priced according to certain changes in the upper management leadership (such as the presence and absence of Steve Jobs) and not the functional criteria of the products themselves (we use the word "Functional" lightly in this case), and they are generally targeted at noobs who dont know how to purchase a computer or listen to anything other than the Ting-Tings or what U2 has come up with in the recent years. A modern Macintosh computer is usually pre-installed with the latest version Apple's proprietary Mac OS X, which features a glossy, sparkling graphical user interface that gives its demographic of impressionable consumers a false sense of having actual work accomplished. But it's ok, you look super hip with your new $5000 computer.
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[edit] History
[edit] 1980's
The first Macintosh was designed in an era when computers were generally not regarded as sexy, appealing or trendy but, rather, geeky, intimidating and somewhat murderous; as myths and misunderstanding of these over-sized pocket calculators were as much abound as those about electricity back in the 19th Century. With no exception, the Macintosh was packaged as a bulky, dull, PVC monolith that gave uneducated observers a false impression that it was in fact driven by a pack of magical fairies dwelling within, and it humbly featured a small screen the size of a large human palm, a mouse with only one button, a 3"1/2 floppy disk drive and not much of anything else. Applications for this creamy-colored novelty were lacking even few years after its first release as the cost of the machine itself and the absence of a convenient application development interface were causing both the end-users and software developers to opt for the cheaper IBM PC's. Critics even taunted the design as a "toy" given its gimmicky interactive interface and the failure of a significant market penetration at a time when most segments were open for almost everything that could generate a "blip" sound to compete, remarkably with Macintosh's command-line counterpart Apple II gaining worldwide popularity throughout the 1980's before the former machine completely absorbed the latter's market share.
[edit] 1990's to present
During the 1990's, Apple Inc. continued with all the strategic failures committed in the previous decade and left Macintosh in a state of unpopularity amongst most computer users until Jobs' return to the corporation as CEO in 1998. This was a point at which Macintosh abandoned usability and functionality completely and began to adopt a glossy, pop-culture repackaging that would slowly attract those who had no former interests in home or business computing to the market. With the latter introduction of optional devices such as the iPod and the more recent iPhone, Jobs successfully created a reality distortion field in which Jobs himself was the Originator of personal computers, Macintosh was the only usable line of home computing machines in the market, OS X and its applications were the only software feasible to novice users with which they could create mundane home movies about their new-born puppies and babies, and everything else was a waste of printed circuit boards.
With the passing of the first decade of the 21st Century, Jobs remains tireless in the role of expanding his kingdom of popular culture-driven marketing campaigns and shameless consumerism. When humankind are much troubled with their wasteful attitude towards nature, Jobs comes with an assurance that the mountains of disused Macintosh will now only fall upon landmine stricken children in developing countries instead of poisoning them as well in the process so as to sooth the guilty conscience of his irrational, cult-like following. As the entertaining person he is, Jobs also occasionally approves computer designs such as the MacBook Air that serve no other purpose but to let Jobs play magic tricks with at a MacWorld conference and clog up usable space at home or business just as much as they do in arable farmlands in India.
[edit] Market share and demographics
Macintosh users in general have an irresistible urge to be drawn towards shiny, colorful but unreasonably priced objects. It is rumored that at one point Jobs purposefully released several bloodhounds into the streets of Manhattan, New York, a few months prior to the 1998 MacWorld Expo, causing hundreds of uptown, rabies-infected yuppies to become aggressively obsessed with the iMac. The genetically modified virus also allowed Jobs to seize further control of these victims and persuade them to express disproportionate disdain towards non-Apple products and their users and dismiss any viable alternatives to the Macintosh as either inferior or non-existent. Such seemingly needless polarisations on consumer products ensures that Apple has a stable, loyal demographic of Macintosh users that will always remain undeterred at the threats of existing competitors such as Microsoft and possible new market entrants.
The advent of iTunes has also accidentally helped secure a demographic that Apple was previously unable to access. With existing abominable British pop-bands such as the Chemical Brothers and Coldplay and other run-of-the-mill musicians and groups from Europe and the U.S., Jobs has been able to gain the masses of wannabe teenage hipsters and assorted latte sippers to his side via iTunes. Despite the convenient pay-per-download mechanism, however, each version of the client software in Windows Operating Systems is always somehow in a state of malfunction, causing either the computer to crash or the download program to quit unexpectedly. This apparently deliberate flaw offers iTunes users a false impression that good music requires a shiny Macintosh, and non-iTunes users a proper perception that obnoxious noises always come from insufferable Apple fans.
[edit] Hardware and Software
[edit] Software
Out-of-package experience is one of the key selling points in the Macintosh product lines. Each individual machine is ensured to have included an ample amount of home user-based applications that competing Windows platforms natively provide little or none at the only cost of a much higher retail price per console. Of course you can upgrade later if you want to on a PC, on Mac you have to by a whole fucking new one.
Macintosh's exclusive Mac OS operating system is also what sets the product lines apart from Microsoft Windows PCs. Careful system design ensures that error messages seldom occur in a Mac and (so if it's crapping out on you, don't worry! You won't know.), simply rather than to perform tedious self-help troubleshooting procedure, a user often has to send the machine to customer support for a few weeks should malfunction take place without any warranty cover (so now you spent 3000+ USD, and now you have no computer, at least when your doing "tedious self-help" your actually ON your computer). Sophisticated kernel implementation also allows removable media such as CD-ROM to stay solidly in their respective reading devices despite furious user interruptions, and with OS X's intuitive graphical user interface, each Mac display is always guaranteed to showcase a galore of colorful icons at the bottom, a mystic, glare-enhancing desktop background at the back and an assortment of widgets all over the screen so to add to the resultant confusion and frustration in the overall user experience.
[edit] Ongoing Law Suit with McDonalds
Since 1569, there has been a law suit between Apple and McDonalds over who called their product a Mac First. So far the total cost of the case has been 8 billion dollars and 4 causualties. It is widely debated why this case has not yet been conclueded yet, but the most likely case is that the Judge is on the payroll of Microsoft and Burger King in order to keep the competion busy with other things. There was one man who know the origin of the "Mac" but he died after a tragic trip to Mordor.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- The even more official webpage of Apple
- The page from which the creator of this page stole copyrighted material and used it. Hmm.
- Mac Vs PC South Park Style
Apple Product Range
| iPods: | iPod - iPod Shuffle - iPod Mini - iPod Nano - iPod Yocto - iPod Yotta - iPod Macro - iPod Invisa - iPod mono - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iPod IV - iPod Slim - iPod Huge - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod |
| iDevices: | iMac - iNuke - iRon - iMath - iHamster - iRaq - iSuicide - iPoop - iOwa - iRak - iRan - iEyes - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot |
| iHardware: | Cheese graters - Cast Spell Key - Applesauce - MacBook - MacBook Air - Euroipods - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth |
| iSoftware: | iTunes - iMovie - Linux (Only For Mac) - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y |
| i3rd Party Mods: | iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - üPod - phonePod - Video iPod Nano U2 HD - iTrip - Hacking the iPhone |
| iGaming: | iBox360 - iTari -General Grievous - iPodore 64 - iPodendo - iBoy |
| iLlnesses: | Neuroipods |
| iFelonies: | iFraud |
| iReligion: | Cult of Apple |
