Macaque

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Templemonkey

As you can see, macaque loves basking in the sun.

“I like playing with macaque.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Macaque
“I don't know why, but macaque loves little boys the most.”
~ Michael Jackson on Macaque
“I don't get it, what's the joke here?”
~ Some guy on Macaque

Macaque is a very odd and strange thing; people have tried to study macaque, but to no avail. It is for this reason that macaque has been blamed for many unfortunate occurences, including your daughter's unexpected pregnancy.

edit Physiology of Macaque

Monkey cat

Here you can see macaque playing with someone's pussy.

As described by your mom, macaque is a hairy, limp creature, with many pockmarks and strange freckles about it. Macaque does not like to be tocuhed by anyone else, and in fact, has not been touched in many, many years (except by me). Macaque has a special attraction to Vaseline and lesbians, though its favorite is by far, the pussycat. Ah yes, macaque loves to play with pussies. But its strange behavior can only be attributed to its complete lack of self-awareness, as put forth by Charles Darwin:

Cquote1 Just thought you should know, madam, macaque cannot be responsible for his own actions. Cquote2

edit Fun with macaque

There are many different ways to play with macaque, including, but not limited to grabbing, pulling, stretching, licking, and/or rubbing macaque. Sometimes macaque appreciates this, whereby he lets you know by spitting a thick white fluid at your face. If not, macaque just gets limp and uninterested. It is at this point that you must back away, for macaque can quickly and unexpectedly lash out in full force. Overall, most scientists, as well as most women, will tell you that macaque is best left alone, but if you like living life on the edge, there are always a few easy steps to protect yourself:

  1. Always make sure macaque is wearing a condom - you never know, macaque is a wild thing
  2. Don't touch macaque's head, it's the most sensitive part of him
  3. Never put your needs before macaque's
  4. Make sure you give macaque lots of attention, remember, he gets easily uninterested
  5. Never question macaque's size or prowess
  6. If you are kissing macaque, or otherwise touching it with your mouth, make sure you don't bite it
  7. Under no circumstances should you ever bring another macaque into a macaque's kitchen
Cynomolgus monkey

Macaque displaying his affection at being rubbed 'the right way'.

edit Things macaque is not

Macaque is many things, but even he has his limits.

  • Macaque is not your personal love-puppet
  • Macaque is not yours to play with
  • Macaque is not limited to one playmate, macaque reserves the right to play with others at any time
  • Macaque is not minty-fresh, or even remotely clean; there's no reason for you to assume it is
  • Macaque does not like hairy pussies. Please shave your cat before letting it play with macaque
  • Macaque is not 100% reliable; satisfaction is not guaranteed

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