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“I'm a Mac.”
“Macs are like the Fisher Price of computers. They're cheap, have only the most basic of functions, and need to have choking warnings on them for their users, because their brains haven't developed enough.”
“Damn it. Won't let me drag and drop again.”
“My cousin had a Mac once. He had some damn good weed, too.”
“Hey! Want to go out sometime? Hey, where are you going? DID YOU NOTICE I HAD A MACBOOK?”
“Did I mention he had PCP?”
A Mac User, also known as That Pompous Asshole In The Coffee Shop or Unemployed Loser (one may also point and laugh at them. Entirely justifiable.), is a rare, mythical creature that happens to have the tolerance to use a Mac and actually enjoy it, hence their name.
Traveling in packs and sometimes as lone wolves in heavily populated areas (an area may range from "a public bathroom stall" to "downtown city tea and coffee shops", sitting by a window for everyone to see how they use a Mac (almost always a Macbook. Some have gone through the trouble of bringing their iMacs, only to be kicked out and called a jackass several times by several different people on their way.).
No sensible PC user would let a Mac User near their PC with a screwdriver; they might wind up with a toaster. By contrast, a Mac User views a PC and a toaster as basically the same thing.
The name "Mac" comes from the Macintosh raincoats commonly worn by Mac users who spent all their money on their computers and no longer have a home to keep the rain off their heads. In honour of these loyal customers, Apple Computer invented the Macintosh computer just for them.
Characteristics of Mac Users
Mac users typically worship Apple Computer and Steve Jobs as their God, which they call a holy trinity, not realising this is clearly inappropriate for a collection of two things. The typical trinity consists of three items, but not the Mac Trinity. This lack of math skills is common in Mac Users, who blame it on their "artisitic nature." In reality, they are probably just idiots.
In the past, Macintoshes were the only computers that didn't turn the user into a complete dork. For a while, owning a usable computer without sprouting pocket protectors and thick glasses made Mac users cool. Instead they just sprout thin glasses and turtleneck sweaters.They consider themselves superior to other computer users for this reason.
Mac users are justifiably suffering from a Superiority Complex, and claim that Mac OS X is what MS-DOS, Linux, Microsoft Windows, and all other operating systems aspire to be. Because they lack any understanding of how operating systems are set up, it is impossible to convince them otherwise. However, it is only the pretty pictures these other companies wish to emulate from their artistic sibling. They might tell you that their machine is far superiors to yours, because of the fact Hat it has a mouse. If you reveal your own, they might still be satisfied by macs "having had them first".
In 1992, a group of Mac users organized and formed a political party within the United States, promoting an agenda of anti-trust, pro-small business legislation. Unfortunately for them, it soon became apparent that a Mac user Congress would mean the entire US Tax Code would have to be converted to BinHex format, and most of the Constitution would have to be remade as a Hypercard stack. They had no idea what these things were, so they all went home to take a nap. Congress addressed the matter several days later, only to their astonishment as a Mac User came to court in his undergarments, scratching his balls, whilst telling Congress that they had quit and to "just forget about it".
Apple Computer's AppleScript programming language may have changed, but the scripture hasn't. The following subliminal message is programmed into all Mac users by their Macs:
To be a Mac user, ye shall forfeit thy honour and thy life unto thy master, Apple Computer. Against the heathens, ye shall always place thyself, for it is decreed that ye shall worship and defend thy master, and the most gracious gift of Mac, even unto the ending of the world. Always will ye strive to mock the hideousness of the heathen PCs, and when thy most glorious Mac is mocked by the unworthy, ye shall retaliate in a most bitchy and insufferable manner. Honour this bargain, and ye shall be rewarded. The LORD Steve Jobs hath decreed it so.
The message was upgraded to work on Mac OS X, but there have been complaints that the new version of the message is too powerful when combined with the new Intel chips now used in Macs. Luckily, nobody cares as long as the Mac continues to look prettier than everyone else.
Obviously, the Mac user is the primary fighting force of Apple's world takeover scheme. The scheme has not actually been implemented yet, since it requires that both Microsoft and Linux go belly-up before it will work. Needless to say, the scheme has been filed away for some time, and there are rumors that it will have to be scrapped and remade as World Domination OS X, replacing the current World Domination Classic.
Nevertheless, Mac users eagerly await the day when PC users will have no choice but to fret over wasted processor power and the constant anxiety of looking metrosexual. They believe that when everybody can appreciate a computer that is easier on the eyes than on making viruses and spam, the world will be a better place. Many disagree with this philosophy, even some Mac users.
The Internal Schism
Some Mac users don't want everybody to buy Macs; they argue that if Apple becomes the dominant computer company, the Mac will lose its elitist appeal, meaning it will be no fun to own one anymore. What good is a computer if you can't brag about it? Mac users will have to move on to another, even more superfluous computer system in order to feel special.
The common sentiment expressed by these abnormal Mac users is one that baffles most experts; even the brightest egocentrics can't fathom it. These Mac users claim that Windows users should be allowed to boast of their superior digital manliness. They claim that Windows users can go ahead and sneer at the inability of Macs to play with "the Big Boys," even going so far as to say that this attitude should be encouraged, since it helps preserve the purity of Mac by keeping hackers and Bill Gates out of the Apple pie.
More zealous Mac users are appalled at this lack of stereotypical fanaticism, and have been known to get extremely upset over it. PC users should not be made aware of this secret knowledge or of the divide between Mac users, since they might use it for evil purposes. It is a shameful secret of the Mac culture, and should never be revealed. Oops...
Being a Mac User Has...
- For one thing, most Mac users don't mind the single-button mouse Apple Computer introduced, mostly because they wouldn't be able to figure out what to do with the other button anyway. This saves them an estimated 6.7 hours a day that Windows nerds spend bitching about the single-button mouse. Mac users also get to brag about being part of an underdog group that nobody else likes, which would make them cool if they didn't get all huffy about it.
- Even the highest and mightiest PC-user cannot deny that Apple brought dorky-looking computer graphics to the public on a large scale for the first time by stealing it from Xerox PARC. They can, however, deny that this makes Apple better.
- Another advantage of being a Mac user is not having to worry about contracting the Plague, or most other diseases for that matter. Although sickly as a child, good old Mac took his vitamins and exercised every day, and to this day is known to be immune to chicken pox, rubella, measles, mumps, STDs and even toxic epidermal necrolysis. In fact, most Mac users don't even realize how lucky they are, usually dumping those mysterious .exe files into the trash folder, without so much as a second thought.
- There isn't, nor will there ever be, a tablet mac. PSYCH! No, really, go look it up; it's called an "iPad". It's a really big iPod Touch. Except you can only look at one page on it and it can only run one application at a time. Oh, and it's the size of a notebook computer.
- As a Mac user, you won't even have to know how to use a computer! By "using a computer," I'm referring to knowing what to do when your computer crashes, glitches, erases your data, won't do its chores, gives you an error message, or otherwise craps out. You won't need to know this stuff, because your extremely limited software choices are all made to work perfectly on a Mac, so perfectly that even the most basic text editor will actually write your documents for you!
- Your Mac will also look much prettier than all the other computers, and no matter what they might say, all the PC users are really jealous of the Mac user's gorgeous partner. These days Mac is really into tight-fitting white, having moved away from see-through color garments. Mac was quoted as saying: "It just felt weird, having everyone copying my new look and making it un-original. I just had to try something different." Being a Mac user means you get to be a trendsetter.
- Finally, Mac users can buy and use iPods without looking like slaves to the latest trend, since they were Apple customers in the first place. Of course, this is something they rarely brag about, since they want other people to buy iPods. Many Mac users have opted to have tiny iPods inserted into their eardrum, so they can listen to music while they change to a different song on their regular iPods.
If you are lucky enough to never have to deal with the peasants and their PC's, you will never, ever*, have any problems with being a Mac user. Unfortunately, you are not lucky, and therefore you will encounter some problems. If any of these problems are enough to make you want to use Windows instead, it is because the Macintosh doesn't like you. Macs are very sensitive, and can tell whether or not a user will love it enough to fight to the death in its defense. This is how Macs protect themselves.
- When referring to your Mac, you may not call it a "PC." This is considered an insult, and as such should only be used when referring to any form of personal computer which does not run Mac OS. A true Mac user does not think of their computer as personal, but more like an actual person. This is a con because it annoys everybody else.
- You may be called "Macky" by ignorant Windows users who don't appreciate the fact that you are (most likely) a pot-smoking, artsy-fartsy, communist hippie, who thinks their computer is so great just because you can do stuff by clicking little pictures, which requires no manual reading whatsoever. Wimp.
- If you are a native-born Mac user (one who has used Macs their whole life), then you will have to avoid using PCs whenever possible to avoid the risk of cancer. Yes, using Macs your whole life does make you vulnerable to MURPs, or Microsoft Ugliness Radiation Poisoning. The lack of pleasant æsthetics is harmful to those who are unaccustomed to it. Windows users who convert to Macs are immune to this effect.