Macintosh
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“If you stick your tongue out and say 'Apple' it sounds like Aughcluck! Which now+was+will+always makes a NINE GOOGOL TONS of sense”
~ Oscar Wilde on typical Apple Users
“Oh, now I get it! "Macintosh" is a type of Apple! How clever!”
~ That annoying bastard riding behind you on the bus
“Macs make very precise, very fast errors.”
Macintosh, or Mac, is a brand name which covers several lines of personal computers designed, developed, and marketed by Apple Inc. These lines are generally packaged and priced according to certain changes in the upper management leadership (such as the presence and absence of Steve Jobs) and not the functional criteria of the products themselves (with the word "functional" specifically emphasized in this case), and they are generally targeted at a demographic of consumers that are easily impressed with both meaningless aesthetic appearances and such pop-culture nonsense that the Ting-Tings and U2 have generated in the recent years. A modern Macintosh computer is usually pre-installed with the latest version Apple's proprietary Mac OS X, which features a glossy, sparkling graphical user interface that gives impressionable purchasers a false sense of having actual work accomplished and feeling glamorous with what is ultimately an overpriced piece of electronics assembled in a backwater island in Malaysia.
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[edit] History
[edit] 1980's
Just as myths and misunderstanding were abound with regards to electricity when it was introduced in the 19th Century, the first Macintosh was brought to the market in an era where computers were generally not considered appealing or trendy but, rather, geeky, intimidating and somewhat murderous. Like other competing products, the Macintosh was packaged with a bulky, dull, PVC monolithic chassis that would not suit well with most furniture styles, a small screen the size of a large human palm, a mouse with only one button, a 3"1/2 floppy disk drive and not much of anything else. Applications for this beige-colored novelty were lacking even few years after its first release due to the fact that the cost of the machine itself and the absence of a convenient application development interface were causing both the end-users and software developers to opt for the cheaper IBM PC's. Critics even taunted the Macintosh as a "toy" given its gimmicky interactive interface and the failure of achieving a significant market penetration at a time when most market segments were open for almost everything that could generate a "blip" sound to compete, remarkably with Macintosh's command-line counterpart Apple II gaining worldwide popularity throughout the 1980's before the former machine completely absorbed the latter's market share.
[edit] 1990's to present
During the 1990's, Apple Inc. continued with all the strategic failures committed in the previous decade and left Macintosh in a state of unpopularity amongst other competitors until Jobs' return to the corporation as CEO in 1998. This was a point at which Macintosh abandoned usability and functionality completely and began to adopt a glossy, pop-culture repackaging that would slowly attract those who had no former interests in home or business computing to the market. With the latter introduction of optional devices such as the iPod and the more recent iPhone, Jobs successfully created a reality distortion field in which Jobs himself was the Originator of personal computers, Macintosh was the only usable line of home computing machines in the market, OS X and its applications were the only software feasible to novice users for the creation of mundane home movies about their new-born puppies, babies and ski-trips. Everything else, as it seemed, was a waste of printed circuit boards.
With the passing of the first decade of the 21st Century, Jobs remains tireless in the role of expanding his kingdom of popular culture-driven marketing campaigns and shameless consumerism. When humankind are much troubled with their wasteful attitude towards nature, Jobs comes with an assurance that the mountains of disused Macintosh will now only fall upon landmine stricken children in developing countries instead of poisoning them as well so as to sooth the guilty conscience of his irrational, cult-like following. As an entertaining person that he is, Jobs also occasionally approves such computer designs as the MacBook Air so to enable Jobs himself to perform magic tricks with manila envelops at MacWorld conferences and clog up otherwise usable spaces at home and business environments as well as arable farmlands in India.
[edit] Market share and demographics
Macintosh users in general have an irresistible urge to be drawn towards shiny, colorful but unreasonably priced objects. It is rumored that at one point Jobs purposefully released several bloodhounds into the streets of Manhattan, New York, a few months prior to the 1998 MacWorld Expo, causing hundreds of uptown, rabies-infected yuppies to become aggressively obsessed with the iMac. The genetically modified virus also allowed Jobs to seize further control of these victims and persuade them to express disproportionate disdain towards non-Apple products and their users and dismiss any viable alternatives to the Macintosh as either inferior or non-existent. Such seemingly needless polarisations on consumer products ensured that Apple would have a stable, loyal demographic of Macintosh users that would always remain undeterred at the threats of existing competitors such as Microsoft and any possible new market entrants.
The advent of iTunes has also accidentally helped secure a demographic that Apple has previously been unable to access. Through abominable British pop-bands such as the Chemical Brothers and Coldplay and other run-of-the-mill musicians and groups from Europe and the U.S. such as the Maroon 5 and Matchbox Twenty, Jobs can now access to masses of wannabe teenage hipsters and assorted latte sippers. Despite the convenient pay-per-download mechanism, however, each version of the client software in Windows Operating Systems is always somehow in a state of malfunction, causing either the computer to crash or the download program to quit unexpectedly. This subtle but deliberate flaw gives iTunes users a false impression that good music requires a shiny Macintosh, and non-iTunes users a proper perception that obnoxious noises always come from insufferable Apple fans.
[edit] Hardware and Software
[edit] Software
Out-of-package experience is one of the key selling points in the Macintosh product lines. Each individual machine is ensured to have included an ample amount of home user-based applications not provided out-of-the-box by competing Windows platforms in exchange for a much higher retail price per console. Software upgrades for a Mac are also simple to perform as users are neither required to purchase new parts nor install packages but merely discard the machine in question and purchase a new one.
Macintosh's exclusive Mac OS operating system is also what sets the product lines apart from Microsoft Windows PCs. Careful system design ensures that error messages seldom occur in a Mac, and rather than to perform tedious self-help troubleshooting procedure, a user may opt for sending the machine to customer support for a mere few weeks (at a slight cost of a brand-new machine shall the problems not be covered by the warranty). Sophisticated kernel implementations also allow removable media such as CD-ROM to stay solidly in their respective reading devices despite furious user interruptions, and with Apple's competent design efforts, each Mac display is always guaranteed to showcase a galore of colorful icons at the bottom, a glare-enhancing desktop background against running applications and an assortment of widgets all over the screen so to create the noir and mystique that can only be otherwise delivered through a regular issue of Where's Waldo.
[edit] External links
- The even more official webpage of Apple
- The page from which the creator of this page stole copyrighted material and used it. Hmm.
Apple Product Range
| iPods: | iPod - iPod Shuffle - iPod Mini - iPod Nano - iPod Yocto - iPod Yotta - iPod Macro - iPod Invisa - iPod mono - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iPod IV - iPod Slim - iPod Huge - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - iCan't Believe It's Not Butter |
| iDevices: | iMac - iNuke - iRon - iMath - iHamster - iRaq - iSuicide - iPoop - iOwa - iRak - iRan - iEyes - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot |
| iHardware: | Cheese graters - Cast Spell Key - Applesauce - MacBook - MacBook Air - Euroipods - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth - iPhone |
| iSoftware: | iTunes - iMovie - Linux (Only For Mac) - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y |
| i3rd Party Mods: | iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - üPod - phonePod - Video iPod Nano U2 HD - iTrip - Hacking the iPhone |
| iGaming: | iBox360 - iTari -General Grievous - iPodore 64 - iPodendo - iBoy |
| iLlnesses: | Neuroipods |
| iFelonies: | iFraud |
| iReligion: | Cult of Apple |
