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Maastricht
Heej! It's Mestreech (Rush Limburgerese)
Maastricht montage

(Clockwise, from upper left) The Maas (Meuse) river flow is strictly controlled due to flood concerns; view of the downtown district with its many cannabis cafes; NATO troops practice for war near the city; the thriving Jewish community shown here in its entirety; Universiteit Maasstricht students mingle with workers from European agencies.

Previous name(s)

McMaastricht (Celtic era), Pons Pontoon, later Mosae Trajectum (Roman era). Costa del Sol (Spanish/Habsburg era)

Nicknames(s) The City of Dull Greys and Browns
Administrative status
Nation NetherHollands
Region Limburger Land
Languages Tower of Babel-type range
Statistics & fast facts
Population 112.456 (+138.955 dopers from elsewhere)
World rank 735th (1st in lack of cryptids)
Founded

41.000 BCE by Neanderthals aided by space aliens and St. Servatius

Features Needs beer, needs chocolate

Maastricht, is known for its beautiful buildings, its nice Burgundic ambiance[1], and the fact that it is inhabited by people who unlikely will stay longer than they have to.

HistoryEdit

RomansEdit

Once upon a time there were some Romans who decided not to live in Rome anymore. Instead, they went north and made founded some villages. At a certain point, it seemed convenient that there would also be a village with a pont or bridge to cross the Meuse to transport the weed crop. They called the smoky little town Mosae Trajectum, later called Maastricht.

Dark AgesEdit

As the Romans didn't want to stay longer than they had to, they left and Maastricht was left with leftover plebs who ran the city. The Middle Ages kicked in and the back plague[2] was inevitable for the inhabitants. Luckily there was someone named Servatius, who decided that the Black Plague should leave and the people should be cured and left alone. A miracle happened and *zapppppp*, the plague was gone and everyone was happy again. Especially so was Servatius, since the church only spoke of him as a saint from then on. It named a couple of cool sites after him, like a church and the most important bridge in the city. Unfortunately, his fame brought him to Cuckootown, where he spent his last days with Professor Lockhart. Naturally, Lockhart didn't stay in Mungo's[3] for eternity; after a five-year residency it was time for him to go, too.

NowadaysEdit

While in certain places in the world there's a gold rush, in Maastricht there is something similar called the Weed Rush. There is such a big demand for weed to the point that foreigners and minors wait on every street corner to buy the shizzle. They will go to extreme lengths to get the golden goo.

Minors also try to get their hands on liquor. Whether it's about the beers or girly stuff, no one cares. Maastricht cares deeply about beer. The Romans settled Maastricht at a very convenient place so close to two borders, because Maastrichtenaren, the inhabitants, are always in need of their beers, Belgian or German.

SightseeingEdit

As mentioned somewhere above,[4] Maastricht has a few sights to be seen:

  • Sint Servaasbrug, where every now and then a crazy ex-boyfriend dumps his ex-girlfriend in a coffin.
  • The Vrijthof, the main square with all the cafes and plenty of other attractions like the museum and the theater.
  • The Maas (Meuse/Maos), the river that gently flows through the city including houses and hotels, so flush toilets are never needed.
  • Universiteit Maastricht, famous for its special teaching. The method used, problem-based learning,[5] is the way to find out in five minutes who's shy and who can't shut up.

See alsoEdit

Bouncywikilogo5
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Maastricht.

FootnotesEdit

  1. Charles V still visits, even though dead
  2. "Oh my aching back"
  3. mongoose(?)
  4. find it yourself
  5. if school is not the problem, then you are the problem