Metropolitan Transportation Authority (New York)

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MTA logo

The NYC MTA Logo

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Metropolitan Transportation Authority (New York).
“I've never seen a bigger bunch of assholes...except for maybe you.”
~ Oscar Wilde on MTA

The Metropolitan Transportation Authority of the State of New York (MTA) is a public benefit corporation responsible for public transportation in the U.S. state of New York.

edit History

The MTA began as an organization in 1929, who decided to build a network of trains underground in New York City. The organization was secretly headed by Hitler, who hoped to disguised the trains station as a common way of commute for millions of people. However, Hitler planned to use these trains to ship supplies from America to secret German supporters who would then ship the supplies to Germany. The USA had forbidden support of the Axis, and declared anyone who was supporting them to be burned, impaled, tortured, and then eaten by a Grue. Ironically, many German weapons were actually funded by the USA, so the USA was the one that should be executed. If that made any sense at all.

edit The Later Years

Germany was defeated a few decades later after the founding of the MTA. The defeat was caused by many incompetent German soldiers, who were too busy drinking beer and eating sauerkraut. Another factor that contributed to the fall of Germany was Hitler, who, realizing that defeat may or may not be inevitable, became a pussy and decided to take his own life. When news spread of Hitler's death, many soldiers threw their sauerkraut into the air and fled. Those who remained were quickly captured and raped by the Allied soldiers. The rapes were later carried out in court, where a judge was trying to decide whether or not it was a war crime. However, the judge upon rereading the Geneva Convention, decided that raping was indeed justified to POWs at that time. With Germany's fall, the news quickly reached the MTA. The MTA, without a leader, argued over whether to disband or continue. The decision was debated until the organization was united in 1949, by the Teletubbies. They decided to wait, and continue to serve commuters until another World War III broke out.

MTA employee

Your common MTA employee

edit Expansion of the MTA

Years have past since the beginning of the MTA. The organization decided to expand, incorporating not only trains but buses and shuttles. They hired more employees who opposed America, including blacks and mexicans. So far, there has never been a White or Asian working for the MTA. Seriously. Look at the front of the train when it finally arives in your station. If it ever does.

edit Ways the MTA Makes your Commute as Miserable as Possible

The employees were disgusted by serving such "capitalist pigs". The MTA then tried to make commuters as miserable as possible. Even emos and goths would prefer being in sunlight than riding a MTA train. Some of their techniques were:

  • Long delays of the train you want to take, while five trains go the other way every minute across the station
  • Your train stops in the middle of a dark tunnel, en route to your stop. This reminds you of you coming out of your mom's uterus
  • Technical difficulties occur every hour
  • Your train decides to skip your stop, because of "technical difficulties".
  • Your train seems like it hasn't been cleaned for a couple of decades. You can make out thousands of stains on the seats and see the words "penis", "cock", and "gay" scratched on the windows.
  • The doors refused to open when it arrived in the station
  • You arrived at the station just in time to see your train leave

A common advertisement on a MTA train

  • You just arrive in the station and the train is there, with the doors open. You and several other commuters try to rush to the train doors, but the conductor, upon seeing people, decides to close the doors.
  • Your train moves along one inch per second. Even you with your disgustingly overweight body could move faster, especially when you see food.
  • You see ads on the train sponsoring gay dating services, complete with a picture of two shirtless men, one black and one white, hugging.
  • A MTA employee decides to search you for possessions. You notice that black and Mexican people aren't search, even though you swear you just saw one with a handgun. After the search, you noticed that your pants are unbuttoned, your underwear is wrinkled, and that your cellphone and wallet are missing.
  • Some dumbass named <insert name here> decides to fall into the tracks and cause inconveniences.
  • Your train and/or bus line gets cut one day without any notice whatsoever.
  • You arrive at a bus stop five minutes before the next scheduled bus comes. 45 minutes later three buses show up, simultaneously and only the super crowded one stops for you.
  • While your waiting at your stop, a different bus comes. While it's boarding, your bus passes right by.
  • Some random motherfucker with really bad gas gets on the train

On the occurrence of the World Trade Center events, many people were questioned, mostly Muslims, Indians, Middle Eastern, and other people with dark complexion. Mostly, all these people were questioned necause cops couldn't tell the difference between these ethnic groups. The MTA were the ones that were actually responsible. They built a secret tunnel leading to the basement of the World Trade Center. Then, using a E train, the filled it with five megatons of TNT and rammed it at 100 mph at the basement of the buildings. This resulted in the colossal explosion. The "planes" were staged by a fireworks and optical illusion company. After the success of this operation, the MTA pinned all the blame on Muslims.

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