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Clippy

It looks like you're reading shit. Would you like some help?


Microsoft Office Word
Word logo
Logo of MS Office Word 2007 + Battlefield 2142 combo.
Word
The packaging for the 2002 version of Word.
Mantainer(s) Micro$oft
Stable release January 30, 2002
Preview release 2142, November 7, 2001
Operating system Windows, Mac, Linux, MS-DOS
Percentage of users 120% (over-used)
Document2

Microsoft Word utilizes a simple and intuitive interface, similar to a modern airplane cockpit. If you touch the wrong button...you're dead.

“MS Word is the bird in Soviet Russia!”
~ Russian reversal on MS Word

MS Word' is the premier business solution in word processing invented by the genius Brendan Fraser. Initially developed by Microsoft in 1987 and hailed as mediocre, Word went through a staggering evolutionary process and become a full featured but uneasy to use application suite in just two years. By 1989, MS Word was unquestionably the finest word processing application ever to be developed, a title which it still holds today. A major drawback is, though, that it does not run under the most sophisticated operating system of the new millenium, Microsoft Windows.

Another problem of the aforementioned fact is that scientists still are not done yet cataloging and discovering the multitude of possibilities that MS Word offers. According to inside sources, MS Word originally was not created for humans, but ordered and specified by a highly developed alien race living on the backside of Uranus.

This explains the high number of features that MS Word had since its initial beta release. However, no human was able to use a product with that level of complexity, which accounts for the manuals some two decades later still being full of errors and user-friendliness or intuitiveness not being the strong side of MS Word. It also is the reason for the highly sophisticated user interface, which tends to paralyze new users for 20 years.

Been a favorite word processor of CreateSpace and Amazon Kindle Publishing for years, but mention Open Source Word Processors they look at you like one used a racist slur. Giving Bill Gates his cash and enabling plagiarists to make a mint off the small press, therefore lining Amazon.com's pockets with the will to pirate text books that the original creators spent years of research on. So when one looks at some Lulu.com releases they never practiced doing a table of contents with Atlantis Ocean Mind or just Atlantis where back in 2002-2006 they were free. But in recent years they're paying $36.00 for aspects that guide Libre Office with the table of contents templates, and some aspects of Word are small press standard.

Open FormatsEdit

Wordprocessor

The Microsoft Word Processor is leading in data security through obscurity.

Since its inception, MS Word was designed to utilize open standards and file formats. By so doing, Microsoft was able to create an application easily integrated within heterogeneous computing environments, which is the main vision of that software company. The open standards set forth by Microsoft were adopted by a number of other companies leading to the development of Open Office and it's relative Star Office, which were designed to extend the functionality of MS Word to Linux and Unix platforms. The operating systems had only vi to that date bull crap.

The latter you can completely do a bypass of Adobe but just to view a pdf file they have Microsoft Edge, then with Fast Stone you can easy screen cap the pdf file.

The thing that sucks about MS Word it doesn't pick up the slang terms, that's where LibreOffice comes in. These allow one to effectively operate in the small press without giving Bill Gates your hard earned money. The PDF the tech had been perfected since the 1993 development; it became more perfected since the establishment of a tripod website. It allows to beating on the Vanity Novel.

The V-A-N-I-T-Y press as we know it had been born for 20 years but they don't know the small press operate on a principle where they work with at cost printers where no setup fees and able to work from home because the advent of Open and Libre Office, and later Zoho.com. The advent of Atlantis Ocean Mind appeared then improvements allowed authors to produced the ePub format that Booktango taught authors how to do.

Working closely with Adobe, Microsoft helped push forward Adobe's Portable Document Format (.PDF), which had been lauded as far inferior to the established and more highly developed Microsoft Document Format (.PORN). It can also type in the form of weasel words. This close partnership between Microsoft and Adobe meant that MS Word has had tight PDF integration build in since the format's release. As it was a visible step back from PORN to PDF, and users risked a vendor lock-in when switching to Adobe's format, suspicion rose quickly that Adobe used unfair business tactics to force Microsoft to release their collection of .PORN videos. However, neither Microsoft spokesman Bill Gates nor his secretary were available for comment. It has been suggested that they were both to busy reviewing their .PORN files to respond to comment.

trick for better workEdit

  • go to ms word
  • type the following, do not copy pasta, type it:
=rand(200,99)
  • press enter
  • save as .odt then get Libre Office and play with their thesaurus.

improve work quality 33.333% more than the usual!!!!

The Market Share AdvantageEdit

Word

Microsoft Word utilizes a simple and intuitive interface, similar to a modern airplane cockpit. Pissing off the small press since 2002.

While MS Word has always maintained a strong market share due to its stable mediocre quality and high cost, that alone is not sufficient to account for high sales of pirated versions. Microsoft has maintained an aggressive marketing strategy, constantly targeting those segments of the population that are least likely to be aware of the advantages of using Word. While most other companies would target the business world or young, hip, computer savvy individuals, Microsoft has sought sales in males looking for partners.

Acknowledging that their software may have been too expensive for some target markets, Microsoft strives to keep prices as high as possible, claiming the loss in revenue is more worth than the gains to society. MS Word thus is seen as a pure luxury good like Single Malt Whiskey or Paris Hilton. It has been said that MS Word killed Wordstar in a back ally one cold winter night. This has never been proven.[1]

Popio suggested to while he was with them. Suggested Lulu.com users to switch to Open Office to arrange an anthology because uploads from Microsoft Word always looked wonky in the way the stretched text is as sometimes they appear worst than Goatse. MS Works had been a favorite to fan fiction writers everywhere because they allowed for .docx upload. .

Microsoft® Word's Policing RoleEdit

Word mistake

The Knive-case

With the new 2008 version of Microsoft, the UN made an effort to civilize and educate the world's denizens by making spelling mistakes unlawful. Ever since 2008, it is a felony to write a mistake in MS Word in all UN-member states. If one does, Microsoft® Office will warn local authorities and it will activate the newly integrated 'Self-Destruct Mode™'. This will cause the PC to explode in 1 minute. Microsoft® Self-Destruct Mode™ is accountable for over 600,000,000 deaths per year, including innocent casualties who were killed by the blast. The death toll was at an all-time high in 2010, when it killed more than 800,000,000. Several relatives of Microsoft® Self-Destruct Mode™ victims have filed lawsuits against Microsoft®, but these endeavors have thus far been unsuccessful. In Europe, MS Self-Destruct Mode™ is, besides numerous deaths, responsible for the destruction of certain well-preserved medieval buildings. Pundits noted further that, approximately 50,000 professional writers annually lose their lives due to the new Microsoft Word. Bill Gates mentioned in a press conference: “Completely justified. At least we won’t be reading shitty books and teachers won’t have to worry about reading crappy high school essays after we developed the Microsoft Self-Destruct System. Or no, Self-Destruct Mode. As always, we, Microsoft, we did humanity a favor.” Also, he joked: “Every once in a while, I let my girlfriend use Microsoft Word. Since women are not as intelligent as men, I don’t have to tell her I want to leave her every time I want a new girlfriend."

The Knive-case is the most famous Microsoft Self-Destruct Mode incident. On April 29th, 2009, a PC exploded by Microsoft Self-Destruct Mode in a Chicago apartment building of 39 floors after an aspiring writer misspelled "knife". Shortly thereafter, the whole building collapsed, causing the death of 1,057 people, of which 1,056 were innocent.

Deaths so farEdit

Over the years, Microsoft Self-Destruct Mode has claimed over 4,600,000,000 lives. The most vulnerable victims are high school students, college students, office workers and professional writers. Also, most victims are females rather than males.

ClippyEdit

Main Article: Microsoft Word Paperclip

Zzzzz aslep

With this political correctness craze going around now...

Microsoft Clippy had been killed in a papercut accident due to the extreme change in moisture in the weather which was caused by Global Warming. This caused Clippy to go rusty, therefore, this fragility made Clippy easy to be cut by any sharp edges or sides of objects. However, whenever a user opens Microsoft Word 2003 CE (crap edition), Clippy respawns into his next life. SO NEVER OPEN MICROSOFT WORD 2003! Clippy had been replaced by a Gender-flipped HAL from 2001 a Space Odyssey.

Happily on January 30th, 2007, Clippy met his last death when Bill Gates announced to Microsoft, "We are launching Office 2007, I want it to be clean, professional and hard for people to use. So get that retarded jerk out of my way." Clippy was then officially executed by Bill Gates. He is never to be seen again in future products.
Clippit

In recent versions of MS Word, Clippit has been known to become irritable to many users, which led to him being executed.

The Technical AdvantageEdit

Clippysuicide

Clippy is always there to help.

(Don't you think Mr clip looks horny there?) While many other word processors leave the user helplessly to complex tasks like writing a letter or a laundry list, MS Word features so-called wizards which serve two purposes:

  • They help users to accomplish a difficult feat.
  • They lighten the work and brighten things up by providing some light relief by watching porn videos at regular intervals.
A true miracle of modern artificial intelligence, the multiple wizard personality of modern MS Word are highly adaptable to the user's needs, reading every single wish from the operator's very mind.

Another area that is outstanding is the level of security that can be achieved by using MS Word. Pure steganography is simple not safe enough any more, with organisations like NSA and CIA sniffing both private and commercial data. Thus, Microsoft incorporated a new encryption technology that operates on effectively mixing the data payload with other random bytes in a way that a document usually is decipherable only with the exact installation of MS Word that created it. Note that this also means that your documents will not even be cracked and read by anyone in the distant future, as they will not have the means to run the MS Word installation which encrypted them as, at the current rate, all used builds of windows will be unbootable within five seconds of their connection to the internet within one year. Moreover, users can raise the level of security significantly by adding images and footnotes to the document.

Versions of MS WordEdit

Versions of MS Word include:

  • Word 4.0 - Big, slow, and useless. You must use the on-screen keyboard in this edition.
  • Word 95 - Bigger, slower and more useless (due to Clippy)
  • Word 97 CE (Crap Edition) - The name says it all
  • Word 2000 - Now integrated with your keyboard!
  • Word XP - Now comes with the free Airplane Cockpit mode, where toolbars are shoved in-your-face
  • Word 2003 - Now comes in slow and crash mode! (is automatically turned on when installed)
  • Word 2007 - A extremely bloated edition of MS Notepad
  • Word 2008 for Mac OS X - An application for an even worse OS, but sucks compared to iWork '04 and above
  • Word 2010 and up -- this one doesn't have Clippy telling you what to do, allows to turn to pdf file. The latter has the Clippy's replacement which is a gender-flipped HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

See also Edit



  1. It has been proven. What? You want me to stop editing Uncyclopedia?

References