“WHAT A TWIST!”
“M. Night Shamamalamasama...kun.”
“Let's hang M. Night Shyamalamadingdong”
|M. Night Shyamalan|
|Directed by||M. Night Shyamalan|
|Written by||M. Night Shyamalan|
|Starring||M. Night Shyamalan|
|Produced by||M. Night Shyamalan|
|Distributed by||Buena Twista Twisternational|
|Release date||April 1, 1970|
|Runtime||90 minutes - Wait! It was 95 minutes all along!|
|Language||English - or is it?|
|Budget||One hundred billion dollars.|
M. Night Shyamalan is an Indian-American film writer, director, producer, and - in a shocking plot twist - he's been dead for his entire career.
Shyamalan was born Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan. If you meet a one-eyed gypsy woman on a Tuesday in Philadelphia that speaks the secret language that his mysterious name comes from, she might just let you in the the SHOCKING hidden meaning of his name. SPOILER ALERT: One of his names means "pretentious." The other one, "twi--- No! Wait! I have said too much! Damn. TWIST ALERT: I am the one-eyed gypsy woman!
Shyamalan is well known for writing scripts with a wide range of plot styles, which span the entire spectrum from an end with a twist to a surprise finale. He is also famous for spellbinding movie audiences with high-energy storytelling and rapid. Rhythmic. Staccato. Dialogue.
Also known to everyone except Shyamalan himself is that his work is what you get when you throw lots of money at every other naive film school dipshit sitting in coffee shops all over Philly. But after I made that last piece-of-shit movie it really started to sink in just how contrived and... I mean! Nevermind. Shhh! No twist here. I am not Shyamalan... or am I?
The films of M. Night ShyamalanEdit
- The ones with Bruce Willis, except for the one where he's a superhero who doesn't do anything interesting except bench press some penises. So, basically, the one with the creepy little tranny who believes he is a director who can see through transparent b-roll. In the end, Bruce Willis' character finds out he is actually playing along in an on-going movie production, and the young tranny is revealed as being the director, M. Night Shyamalan, himself!
- The Upcoming film version of Freaknik is said to be his greatest work due to his promise that there will be no plot twist other then the ones given in the original book.
- The Sixth Sense (1999) - Yes, it's Bruce Willis as you guessed it. This movie shows him being a psychiatrist named Malcolm helping a kid named Cole (played by Haley Joel Osment) who's on drugs and claims to be able to see ghosts and spirits. The twist was that Samuel L. Jackson comes out at one point shouting "I've had it with these Mother fuckin ghosts in this muthafuckin house!" But in the end, it turns out Bruce Willis himself was one of the ghosts that Cole saw. Thus, Malcolm decides to suicide.
- Unbreakable (2000) - starring again, and again, Bruce Willis, as the sole survivor of an audience who accidentally watched a lethally tedious movie called...yes...Unbearable. There's a twist for you. Samuel L. Jackson costars as a man who says that there are, "Mother fuckin' superheroes on this motherfucking planet!".
- Signs (2002) - here we see the signs again, oh yes, the signs of yet another utterly redundant script, as Earth is invaded by alien hostile film critics who believes that Earth's population is made up of clones of Mr. Shyamalan. Filmed in Aramaic with subtitles also in Aramaic, for some reason. Jesus (M. Night Shyamalan) dies in the end...only to return three days later in the sequel entitled...
- The Village (2004) - in which the Elders (an Indian, a construction worker, a cop and a sailor) hunt down the untalented M. Night Shyamalan, to reclaim back the movie budgets that were pillaged from them...forcing them to stay at the YCMA. The original twist ending was to have River Phoenix brought back from the dead, Shyamalan eventually gave up on this one after advice from Uri Geller and settled on casting Joaquin Phoenix again (as The Village Idiot) instead.
- Lady in the Water (2006) - Arthur (M. Night Shyamalan) receives a sword from some watery tart in a lake. Later he then pulls the sword (M. Night Shyamalan) from a rock and becomes King of England and carpenter of the round table (M. Night Shyamalan). Daryl Hannah has a cameo as a mermaid.
- The Happening (2008) - Comedy based around the works of Willian Shakespeare. Basically: Trees whisper into people's ears, telling them what they don't want to hear. If you listen very closely to the background noise where we see Barney the Dinosaur stabbing small children, the trees are saying things. We aren't going to tell you what they are because it's a TWIST ENDING. However, written backwards, it is ЯEDЯUM.
- The Last Airbender (2010) - Dear God, help us all. "My name is Ong ,and I will be your Avatar for today"
- Schrödinger's cat: the Movie (2011) - A film based on the eponymous feline, the plot is about a cat which the audience is led to believe is alive or dead at various stages in the narrative, dead due to being poisoned with cyanide by the sadistic pet owner two thirds into the movie and alive because that's what some say it was up until that point. In the end however, the audience is presented with the final shocking twist: the cat was alive AND dead all along, at the same time! Ingenious!
We regret to inform you that Mr Shyamalan is working on a new movie with the title Twist Ending.
From the looks of it, the movie is about the ghost of Ed Wood (Edward 'Woody' Woodward) who returns as a 21st century moviemaker. The twist is...that the movie is totally boring, and it hasn't got a twist! Oh sorry, my mistake, I referred to the other one, Lady in the Water. Anyway, the new movie could actually be worthwhile, if we get paid by the hour for watching it, and insomniacs could definitely benefit from buying the DVD. Twist Ending opens up in central Philadelphia, which in itself comes as a surprise, with some random shots of buildings and then a very slow, very long zoom-in on a man feeding pidgeons, played by M. Night Shyamalan himself as a cameo! It seems this is becoming a trademark of his - what a novel idea! The soundtrack promises much - particularly to the deaf - and the special effects are stunning. Now we only have to wait until computer technology can provide moviemaker upstarts with not only state-of-the-art graphics, but also decent scripts.
The Wizard of OzEdit
In a massive departure from the rest of his life, in fact, one might call it a twist ending, M. Night Shyamalan directing a musical. It's not a horror movie, but it is going to have the traditional twist. "Yeah," he said, "in my remake, The Wizard of Oz Movie, it's going to be very dull, but with a twist! I'll throw in a few surprises - a bit of LSD, maybe a suicide and a ritual sacrifice, and of course the devil-possessed dog.
This article is actually about the underwater basketball player, M. Night Shyamalan. For the article about the film director, please see hack.