From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I'm going choo keepy jis belt, for a long time”
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Machida era!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Shogun era!”
“He drinks his own piss”
Ryoto "Bear Grylls" Machida is a mixed martial artist who was transformed into a human being from a terminator model designed to fight like a beast without any weapons, the model has a prototype known as Yoshizo Machida and a twin model known as Chinzo Machida. This family of articicially intellegent killers was designed by Capcom, Lyoto, is based on one of capcom's most popular characters, Ryu from Street Fighter. The techniques of Shotokan Karate were initially installed into his artificial intellegence but eventually Sumo wrestling and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu were installed as his creators gained more money from his fights.
Creation and completion
Ryoto Machida was created in a Japanese factory in Salvador, Brazil on the 30th of May, 1978, he was created to fight professionally when a bunch of capcom animators foresaw that MMA would grow up to be a popular sport. Why they didnt create a soccer player? Because soccer is a sissy sport.Unlike most machines, he isnt powered by petrol, human urine was designed to be his feul to make him run unlimitedly. Once he was created, the Karate chip was installed into him, entering him into Brazilian karate tournaments where he kicked the shit out of everyone while reading books about Sumo wrestling. He was a black belt since birth, but became a sumo wrestler at the age of 12, blowing away 500 lbs wrestlers out of the ring with his breath. In 2007, a file called bjjblackbelt.maf was installed into the model. (MAF standing for martial arts file) He was immediately signed by the UFC after this. Lyoto Machida wandered through Japan like Ryu in those Street Fighter anime. He was found by Japanese Scientist and part time Pro Wrestler, Antonio Inoki, Inoki was assigned to make him a real boy so that he could live, love, fuck, reproduce like everyone else and at the same time kick ass.
Inoki was about to make Machida a fake ass pro wrestler, but that would be a waste to his destructive power and all the martial arts installed within him, now that he was a real person, he had the ability to choose so he chose MMA. He started by fighting this Kengo Wannabe guy. He later moved on to k-1 Heroes, he kicked the shit out of some of the world's best there, BJ Penn and Rich "the poor bastard" Franklin. Not one single person managed to beat him, nobody could even land a single shot on him, dude, he fucked eveyone up!
When Machida came to UFC, things went a little downhill, Machida's human limits made him weaker, holding him back from the ability to finish fighter, he did submit some Rameu "African Ass who's name I cant spell" Theory soccerjew, which was at the time, his first stoppage in the promotion. He also beat some Japanese stoner. He even kicked the shit out of Tito Ortiz. Machida finally got some KO power when he went up against fellow brazilian, Thiago Silva, Silva looked helpless n by the end of the first round was knocked unconsious by a couple of GNP punches. On 23 May 2009, Machida beat the crap out of Rashad Evans n took his title and rashad was known as stanky leg
Machida went up against Mauricio "Shogun" Rua n wasn't doing bad for a while, Shogun landed some good leg kicks but Joe Rogan got all hot everytime Shogun landed a leg kick so Machida got frustrated, distracted by his human frustration, he failed to destroy Shogun completely. It was at this point revealed that Shogun was in fact an alternative terminator robot almost equal in power, and survived the near defeat to revive himself seconds after the 5th round. Machida won the fight due to arguably the best decision made in judging history, but was forced to amputate his legs due to the severe damage they suffered.
After amputating his legs, it was found that Inoki, while converting Machida human installed a self healing super power, Machida grew new legs and kept his old, bruised legs as a reminder of what his bitter nemesis, Shogun did to him, now training like a beast with Anderson " Sonnens bitch " Silva, Jiu jitsu master Antonio "Retire already" Nogueira, and The, that's right THE Steven Seagal, he seeks to once again prove himself as the UFC Light-heavyweight Champion, in an interview he said "Im going chu rippi hees cock out, and shove it in his mouch"... damn that's brutal. Unfortunately for Machida, Shogun was too aggressive and eventually struck him down and ground-n-pounded him, putting an end to Machida's reign of terror and beginning his own. There is a prophecy that the next generation Machida, by the name of Taiyo Machida will descend from his Grandfather's dojo and avenge his father by the age of 4.
The Next Generation
Taiyo Machida is coming, hide.