Lynyrd Skynyrd

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Most members of Lynyrd Skynyrd died before photographs were invented. Sorry for the inconvenievce.
Origins The South
Years Active 1964 - 1977, 1987 - Present
Genre(s) Southern Rock
Labels McA
Members Far too many to count

“I fucking hate Lynyrd Skynyrd, I've always hated Lynyrd Skynyrd. Fuckin' backwards ass hillbilly shit.”

~ Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day on Lynyrd Skynyrd

“Trippy name.”

~ WordGirl on Lynyrd Skynyrd

“FREEBIRD!!!!!!!!”

~ This Guy on Lynyrd Skynyrd

Lynyrd Skynyrd were a southern rock band (In other words, a bunch of red necks)in the 1970s, until they were involved in a plane crash, and they all died, except for some of them. The surviving members returned in the late 1980s, and reformed the band, but it was not as good, and so nobody cares.

Contents

[edit] History

[edit] Early years

Lynyrd Skynyrd began in the summer of 1964, in Jacksonville, Florida. Sixteen-year-old Ronnie Van Zant was taking part in the noble sport of grenade-throwing, when he accidentally-on-purpose threw a grenade at another teenager, Gary's Friend, who was watching the sport with his friend Gary Rossington. Ronnie was worried that he might have killed him, and so he walked over to see if Gary's Friend was okay. Miraculously, he was okay. And so they started talking about music, which was, to them, more interesting that what had just happened. It soon became apparent that they were all semi-talented: Ronnie, could sort of sing, Gary could sort of play the guitar, and Gary's Friend (who probably had a name but nobody cares) could sort of play the drums.

Later on, they decided that they needed a second guitarist, and it was common knowledge that Allen Collins could play the guitar, and so one day, when Ronnie, Gary and Gary's Friend (who, by then, was also Ronnie's friend but didn't feel the need to change his name just because he had found a new friend) were driving around in Ronnie's car, and when they came across Allen, who was riding on his bicycle. They decided to go after him, but Allen thought that they were going to murder him, as Ronnie had a reputation for street fights, as well as accidentally-on-purpose throwing grenades at people, and so he biked away as fast as he could, which was actually quite fast, because he was tall and skinny, and tall skinny people are usually good at being fast. They are also usually on drugs, but that came later. Anyhow, seeing as most cars can indeed travel faster than most bicycles, Allen knew that he had to hide. So, he tried riding his bicycle up a tree. This of course, didn't actually work, but we all know that Allen Collins was insane. In a good way, of course, but insane nevertheless. Anyway, while Allen was lying on the ground writhing in pain, Ronnie, Gary and Gary's Friend asked him if he wanted to be in their band, but he was in so much pain that he could only say AAAAAAAAA! Later on he did agree to be in their band, and Lynyrd Skynyrd was born. Of course, the band went through 104 name changes before they were finally called Lynyrd Skynyrd.

[edit] The Many Names of Lynyrd Skynyrd

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lynyrd Skynyrd.

The band went through a large number of names, including My Backyard, One Percent, The Noble Five, (experts believe that either this name came after they acquired bassist Leon Wilkeson, but in actual fact, he came later... the truth was, they couldn't count) and of course The Hallabalulahey Band. But the band's final name has a rather interesting story behind it. (Actually, many of you will find it tediously boring, but nobody cares about many of you.)

Several members of the band went to the same school, and at that particular school, there was a gym teacher named Leonard Skinner, who may or may not have been Hitler. Leonard was not fond of boys with long hair, and Ronnie, Gary, Gary's Friend, and That Bassist That They Had Before They Had Leon Wilkeson all had long hair. So did Allen, but he did not go to that school. Eventually, they were all expelled from school and ejected into space. When they returned to Earth, they decided to name the band in a mock-tribute to Leonard Skinner, but, as well as not being able to count, they couldn't spell either.

[edit] Hell House

Lynyrd Skynyrd practiced in what they liked to call Hell House, which was actually just a giant bathtub. Sometimes members of the band lived in Hell House, but, seing as it was a bathtub, it had no roof, and so they got rained on a lot, which wasn't fun. Apparently, some of their greatest songs were written there. It is not known if anyone ever had a bath in the giant bathtub.


[edit] Albums

[edit] The Not Album

In 1972 they made an album, but none of the record companies liked it, and so the band went back to where they came from, and cried, and were sad, and considered turning emo, but decided against it. The Not Album was eventually released in 1978, but it didn't matter because by then everyone was dead, except for the ones who weren't.

[edit] Pronounced 'WTF how do you say that again?'

In 1973, Lynyrd Skynyrd returned from wherever it was that they were at before 1973, and made another album, called 'Pronounced WTF How do you say that again' because they knew that people wouldn't be able to pronounce their name. Sadly, they weren't able to pronounce their name either. But, of course just before they made the album, their bassist, Leon Wilkeson, got freaked out and ran away to work in an ice-cream store. Nobody knows why he did this, but experts believe that he was on drugs. The band had to find another bassist, and so they found Ed King, who was not a bassist but a guitarist, but that didn't seem to matter. Many people believe that Ed King was fat, but in actual fact it was just an optical illusion. After their first album was released, they finally realised that Ed King was actually not a bassist, and so they got Leon Wilkeson back (he was sick of the ice-cream store by then) and Ed King switched to guitar. And they all lived happily ever after until the next album.

[edit] Ronnie Van Zant and Edward Cullen

One of the songs on 'Pronounced WTF' is based on an event that actually happened to Ronnie Van Zant. One day, Ronnie, Gary and Allen were in some bar which is located on planet Earth, and Ronnie was dancing with some random girl, when the random girl's boyfriend walked in. And he was, of course, Edward Cullen. (Bella Swan was devastated when she found out that Edward had had other girlfriends before her, but she'll get over it.) Edward had a gun, and was going to shoot Ronnie. Here is where the song differs from real life. In the song, Ronnie screamed and ran away, but in real life, a glimmer of sunlight came in through the window, and Edward started sparkling, and then everyone started cracking up because sparkly people are funny. And so Edward ran away, and Ronnie was not dead for the time being.

[edit] Second Helping

Lynyrd Skynyrd's second album was called Second Helping, and it was released in 1974. The big hit on this album was Sweet Home Alabama, a song that doesn't make any sense, because the band came from Florida, except for Ed King, who came from California. The song was written about Neil Young, who the band liked very much because he came from Canada, but didn't like because he said that everyone in the Southern States of America was racist, even though they weren't. Sweet Home Alabama was later used as the theme song for KFC, which is bizzare because only one member of the band was a chicken.

[edit] A Change of Drummer

Sometime between 1974 and 1975, the drummer, Gary's Friend, leaves the band. After this, he is known as Nobody's Friend, as Gary does not want to be friends with him anymore. He was temporarily replaced by George W. Bush, who was fired after trying to eat Gary Rossington. Their next drummer was Artimus Pyle, who is not Artemis Fowl, never has been, and never will be. Artimus Pyle looked like Jesus and always wore long songs, short shorts, and no shirt.

[edit] Nuthin' Fancy

As I said before, the band could not spell, count, or pronounce their own name, and this album advertises the fact. It is also quite hypocritic album, the first song's message being: 'Guns are bad, don't shoot people, it's not nice,' the second song's message being: 'my girlfriend cheats on me, I think I might shoot her with my gun," and the third song's message being: 'Yay, I'm a hobo.' This was also the only album featuring Stephen King as their fourth guitarist. Critics who reviewed the album said that his guitar-playing was too scary, and so the band fired Stephen King.

[edit] Gimme Back My Banana Peel

In 1976, the band released their fourth album. This was the first time since 1973 that they had only had two guitarists, as they had fired Stephen King, and Ed King (who may or may nor be related to Stephen King) had ran away because people kept calling him fat. (In actual fact, it was just an optical illusion.) The album was also the only album they ever did which had the same name as a song on the album. During live performances of 'Gimme Back My Banana Peel,' at least one fan would throw a banana peel onto the stage. After slipping over on banana peels several times, the band stopped performing the song live. This album also featured the band's three female backing vocalists, Cassie Gaines (who later died), Jo Billingsley (who claimed to be psychic but probably wasn't) and Leslie Hawkins (who nobody cares about).

[edit] Live album: One More from the Bus Shelter

Also in 1976, Lynyrd Skynyrd released a live album, from a live concert done in a bus shelter in Atlanta, Georgia. For this album, they had a brand new guitarist, Steve Gaines, the brother, cousin, pet moose and husband of backing singer Cassie Gaines. Several days after the album was released, the bus shelter was eaten by a walrus.

[edit] Paris Survivors and Plane Crash

In 1977, the band temporarily had Paris Hilton as a guitarist, but they fired her because she sucked. They then released an album called Paris Survivors, because they had encountered Paris Hilton and lived to tell the tale. Less than a week after the album was released, Ronnie Van Zant, Steve Gaines and Cassie Gaines tragically died in a plane crash. Backing singer Jo Billingsley, who was not on the plane when it crashed, claimed to have a prophetic dream about the crash before it happened, but she was most likely lying. Many believe that the cover of Paris Survivors was almost an omen: the front of the album depicts the entire band on a plane which is being flown by Paris Hilton.

[edit] The Curse: Be My Intern... Forever

Between October 20th and November 10th, anyone who listens to the album Paris Survivors becomes trapped in a reality show. The show, "Be My Intern", was an idea that Ronnie Van Zant had in the shower a month before he died, but after his death, the show was discontinued. However, when people become trapped in the show because of the curse, they have to work as interns for the ghost of Ronnie Van Zant. Each week after November 10th, someone is eliminitated, until there is only one person left. They are the winner. The winner gets to die and go to wherever dead people go, and all of the losers have to work for Ronnie forever. United States President Bill Clinton also liked to do weird things with interns, but even he wasn't as creepy as this.


[edit] 1977-1987: The Skynyrdless Years

Between 1977 and 1987 there was no Lynyrd Skynyrd (gasp!), but there were many spin-off bands, including The Rossington-Collins band, The Allen Collins Band, The Rossington-Wilkeson-Powell-Bush Band, and Oasis. During this time, Allen Collins managed to bee depressed, then paralyzed, then paralyzed AND depressed.


[edit] Reformation

In 1987 the band returned, with all dead and/or paralyzed members replaced by the brothers of Ronnie Van Zant: Johnny Van Zant, Donnie Van Zant, Banonnie Van Zant, and Katy Perry Van Zant. But they sucked, and nobody liked them. And after a while more of them died. Or quit the band. And now the only orignal member is Gary. And he's kinda lonely but nobody cares.

[edit] Past and Present Band Members

[edit] Singers

  • Ronnie Van Zant, lead singer from 1964-1977
  • No one at all, lead singer from 1977-1987
  • Johnny Van Zant, lead singer from 1987-present
  • Donnie Van Zant, lead nothing from 1987-8 BC

[edit] Female Backing Singers

  • Cassie Gaines, Jo Billingsley and Leslie Hawkins, a.k.a. The Honkettes, backing singers from 1975-1977
  • Katy Perry Van Zant, backing singer from 1987-2006
  • Dale Krantz Rossington, a.k.a. Gary's Wife, backing singer from 1987-now

[edit] Guitarists

  • Gary Rossington, guitarist 1964-now
  • Allen Collins, guitarist 1964-1977
  • Ed King, guitarist 1974-1975, 1987-1996
  • Stephen King, guitarist 1975. May or may not be related to Ed King.
  • Steve Gaines, guitarist 1976-1977
  • Banonnie Van Zant, guitarist 1987-1999
  • Batman, guitarist 1989-1991
  • Winona Ryder, guitarist 1995-2000
  • Rickey Medlocke, 1996-now
  • Hughie Thomasson, 199?-2006
  • Freddy Krueger, 2000-2004
  • Mark Matejka, a.k.a. random guy who always smiles some reason, guitarist 2006-now

[edit] Bassists

  • That Bassist That They Had Before Leon Wilkeson, bassist 1964-1972
  • Leon Wilkeson, bassist 1972, 1974-1977, 1987-2001
  • Ed King, bassist 1973
  • Ean Evans, bassist 2001-2009
  • Tom Cruise, bassist 2009-

[edit] Drummers

  • Gary's Friend, drummer 1964-1974
  • George W. Bush, drummer 1975
  • Artimus Pyle, drummer 1975-1977, 1987-1991
  • Some guy no one knows the name of, drummer 1991-

[edit] Pianists

  • Billy Powell, 1972-1977, 1987-2009

[edit] Haters

  • Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day, hater 1964-now. Was the group's first official hater.
  • Edward Cullen, hater circa 1971-now

[edit] Groupies

[edit] Ronnie Van Zant's Secret Girlfriends That His Wife Didn't Know About

[edit] Discography

  • (Pronounced Leh-nerd Skin-nerd) (The one with Free Bird)
  • A Hot-Dog for Ronnie
  • More Hot-Dogs
  • Sweet Jesus Oklahoma
  • The crap one
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Lynyrd_Skynyrd"
Personal tools
projects
Stillwaters chronarion.org