Lynx Cool Metal Shower Gel

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m (This is the greatest male hygiene product that money can buy: sent redlink to Wikipedia (that's where I went after reading the article).)
m (Reverted edit(s) of Dorianin (talk) to last version by ChiefjusticeDS)
 
(4 intermediate revisions by 3 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{VFH|nompage=Lynx Cool Metal Shower Gel}}
 
 
[[File:Coolmetal.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Even the ''packaging'' is more [[man]]ly than the average steelworker. And it's ''X fucking L''!]]Oh man, my new shower gel, '''Lynx Cool Metal''', is the absolute ''[[nuts]]''. It is the most [[male]] thing in the [[history]] of masculinity. Just owning a bottle of it should carry health warnings for the rest of the population, and it is now in ''my'' possession!
 
[[File:Coolmetal.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Even the ''packaging'' is more [[man]]ly than the average steelworker. And it's ''X fucking L''!]]Oh man, my new shower gel, '''Lynx Cool Metal''', is the absolute ''[[nuts]]''. It is the most [[male]] thing in the [[history]] of masculinity. Just owning a bottle of it should carry health warnings for the rest of the population, and it is now in ''my'' possession!
   
Line 14: Line 13:
 
==It's got [[Quartz]] in it!==
 
==It's got [[Quartz]] in it!==
   
Now, I'm no geologist, but I'm pretty sure that's a [[rock]]. That's right, my skin is so goddamn manly and craggy, I need to wash it in some kind of rock to smooth it out! Oh yeah, read it and [[weep]]. And one thing I ''am'' sure of is they use it in wristwatches. I have no idea why, or how, but anything used in watches is also [[technology|technological]], and therefore makes me even more [[Übermensch|superhuman]]!
+
Now, I'm no geologist, but I'm pretty sure that's a [[rock]]. That's right, my skin is so goddamn manly and craggy, I need to wash it in some kind of rock to smooth it out! Oh yeah, read it and [[weep]]. And one thing I ''am'' sure of is they use it in wristwatches. I have no idea why, or how, but anything used in watches is also technological, and therefore makes me even more [[Übermensch|superhuman]]!
   
 
Yeah, I'm thinking maybe it's a mineral, and OK, that stuff's found in mineral water, which is a little bit wussy, but think about this: [[chicks]] love to drink that shit, and showering in this stuff means it'll be ''all over my body'' - that's right, they're going to be queueing up to lick it off me! This is ''great''!
 
Yeah, I'm thinking maybe it's a mineral, and OK, that stuff's found in mineral water, which is a little bit wussy, but think about this: [[chicks]] love to drink that shit, and showering in this stuff means it'll be ''all over my body'' - that's right, they're going to be queueing up to lick it off me! This is ''great''!
Line 21: Line 20:
 
==It's the manliest shower gel, like, ever==
 
==It's the manliest shower gel, like, ever==
   
I'm pretty sure that just being in the ''same room'' as someone wearing this stuff raises your testosterone levels - [[male]], [[female]], [[hermaphrodite]] or [[pussy]], you are automatically more manly after a brief encounter with someone who washes in it. Apart from [[hot]] [[chick]]s, obviously. The only manly thing in ''them'' is going to be ''me'', when I'm wearing this stuff! Oh yes, I'm talking about ''you'', Laura Wilson in my [[science]] class: try ignoring me ''now''! I just washed my wedding tackle in an ''anti-corrosion agent''! If that doesn't prove I'm manlier than that hairy great ape you keep making eyes at across the classroom, I don't know ''what'' will!
+
I'm pretty sure that just being in the ''same room'' as someone wearing this stuff raises your testosterone levels - [[male]], [[female]], [[hermaphrodite]] or [[pussy]], you are automatically more manly after a brief encounter with someone who washes in it. Apart from hot [[chick]]s, obviously. The only manly thing in ''them'' is going to be ''me'', when I'm wearing this stuff! Oh yes, I'm talking about ''you'', Laura Wilson in my [[science]] class: try ignoring me ''now''! I just washed my wedding tackle in an ''anti-corrosion agent''! If that doesn't prove I'm manlier than that hairy great ape you keep making eyes at across the classroom, I don't know ''what'' will!
   
 
==This is the greatest male hygiene product that money can buy==
 
==This is the greatest male hygiene product that money can buy==
   
 
And it's so good, I may not even need my new anti-acne facewash and cream, my anti-dandruff shampoo or my inhaler tonight - I'm going to the prom in my best gear, and I'm just going to wait for my awesome levels of mannishness to overwhelm Laura Wilson. And if that fails, I still have [[wikipedia:rohypnol|my trusty back-up]]. One way or another, this is gonna be my night!
 
And it's so good, I may not even need my new anti-acne facewash and cream, my anti-dandruff shampoo or my inhaler tonight - I'm going to the prom in my best gear, and I'm just going to wait for my awesome levels of mannishness to overwhelm Laura Wilson. And if that fails, I still have [[wikipedia:rohypnol|my trusty back-up]]. One way or another, this is gonna be my night!
  +
  +
==And now, even my cell-mate agrees!==
  +
  +
Yeah, so it turns out that leaping on top of a passed-out drunken chick with your [[dick]] out, while yelling ''"I'm the [[Terminator]], bitch, and I absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are laid!"'' is [[rape|against the law]] somehow. Must be a pretty specific law, if you ask me. So now I'm here in jail, which pretty much sucks - I showered in Lynx Cool Metal before the trial, in case it was one of those chick judges, because I'm sure she would have let me off, if it was. But no, it was just some old guy in a wig who was immune to my masculinity. Although he did wink at me when he was talking about how I needed to be punished, which was a bit weird, now I think about it.
  +
  +
Anyway, the final confirmation of how manly this product makes me came from the guy I'm sharing a cell with, which is pretty cool, seeing as I was kinda scared of sharing a cell. I mean, you hear stories. But this guy just seemed so cool. He told me I smelled like a real man as soon as I walked in the cell. He told me he ''likes'' real men. And he's, like, ''covered'' in [[tattoo]]s and [[shit]]. But I'm not worried about the shit, because I told him he can use my shower gel, which he liked. ''And'' he has a [[moustache]] too. That's pretty manly, right? So yeah, he knows all about manliness. And he tells me this is definitely a manly smell. In fact, he kept smelling it, just to remind him what ''real'' manliness smelled like. And he told me he's going to take ''good'' care of me, which is reassuring! So yeah, this stuff can even help you survive [[prison]] - how cool is that?!
  +
  +
{{FA|date=9 September 2011|revision=5273004}}
   
 
[[Category:Male-centric]]
 
[[Category:Male-centric]]

Latest revision as of 10:17, March 2, 2012

Coolmetal
Even the packaging is more manly than the average steelworker. And it's X fucking L!
Oh man, my new shower gel, Lynx Cool Metal, is the absolute nuts. It is the most male thing in the history of masculinity. Just owning a bottle of it should carry health warnings for the rest of the population, and it is now in my possession!

Why is it so awesome? Well, I'm glad you asked: there's one really big reason:

edit It's got metal in it!

How much more masculine is it possible to be? My new shower gel is made of metal! Just showering with this stuff practically makes me a cyborg, which automatically adds serious awesome points. Think about it: smooth skin, honed to a glistening sheen by the application of sleek, shiny metal... Man, never mind the girls, it's getting me wet thinking about it. This is the kind of shower gel the Terminator would use, and I picked it up from my local Tesco - talk about lucky find of the year!

And the metal in question is not just any metal either, it's zinc. Zinc! That stuff's used in batteries, which means, ladies, that just like your favourite little toy, I'm now battery powered! Which means that, ohhhh yeeeaaaahhh, I can go all night, and unlike your favourite little toy, I come with extra benefits (including the fact that, now that I shower regularly, I no longer smell like roadkill!)

Not enough for you? Well...

edit It's got Quartz in it!

Now, I'm no geologist, but I'm pretty sure that's a rock. That's right, my skin is so goddamn manly and craggy, I need to wash it in some kind of rock to smooth it out! Oh yeah, read it and weep. And one thing I am sure of is they use it in wristwatches. I have no idea why, or how, but anything used in watches is also technological, and therefore makes me even more superhuman!

Yeah, I'm thinking maybe it's a mineral, and OK, that stuff's found in mineral water, which is a little bit wussy, but think about this: chicks love to drink that shit, and showering in this stuff means it'll be all over my body - that's right, they're going to be queueing up to lick it off me! This is great!

Person nerd2
This is the "before" shot. After I used it, I was so manly my likeness couldn't be captured on camera

edit It's the manliest shower gel, like, ever

I'm pretty sure that just being in the same room as someone wearing this stuff raises your testosterone levels - male, female, hermaphrodite or pussy, you are automatically more manly after a brief encounter with someone who washes in it. Apart from hot chicks, obviously. The only manly thing in them is going to be me, when I'm wearing this stuff! Oh yes, I'm talking about you, Laura Wilson in my science class: try ignoring me now! I just washed my wedding tackle in an anti-corrosion agent! If that doesn't prove I'm manlier than that hairy great ape you keep making eyes at across the classroom, I don't know what will!

edit This is the greatest male hygiene product that money can buy

And it's so good, I may not even need my new anti-acne facewash and cream, my anti-dandruff shampoo or my inhaler tonight - I'm going to the prom in my best gear, and I'm just going to wait for my awesome levels of mannishness to overwhelm Laura Wilson. And if that fails, I still have my trusty back-up. One way or another, this is gonna be my night!

edit And now, even my cell-mate agrees!

Yeah, so it turns out that leaping on top of a passed-out drunken chick with your dick out, while yelling "I'm the Terminator, bitch, and I absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are laid!" is against the law somehow. Must be a pretty specific law, if you ask me. So now I'm here in jail, which pretty much sucks - I showered in Lynx Cool Metal before the trial, in case it was one of those chick judges, because I'm sure she would have let me off, if it was. But no, it was just some old guy in a wig who was immune to my masculinity. Although he did wink at me when he was talking about how I needed to be punished, which was a bit weird, now I think about it.

Anyway, the final confirmation of how manly this product makes me came from the guy I'm sharing a cell with, which is pretty cool, seeing as I was kinda scared of sharing a cell. I mean, you hear stories. But this guy just seemed so cool. He told me I smelled like a real man as soon as I walked in the cell. He told me he likes real men. And he's, like, covered in tattoos and shit. But I'm not worried about the shit, because I told him he can use my shower gel, which he liked. And he has a moustache too. That's pretty manly, right? So yeah, he knows all about manliness. And he tells me this is definitely a manly smell. In fact, he kept smelling it, just to remind him what real manliness smelled like. And he told me he's going to take good care of me, which is reassuring! So yeah, this stuff can even help you survive prison - how cool is that?!

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 9 September 2011
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/09 September 2011Template:FA/2011</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects