Lynx

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Pre pubescent male seal lying next to discarded Lynx canisters

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Lynx is an all over body spray popular with prepubecent primates and seals used to try and attract a mate. So far there is only one recorded case of this tatic working.

edit History

Lynx was launched in France in 1983 by Fabergé, the famous egg company. It was created as a version of one of Unilever's other brands, Impulse, but targeted at males. Impulse was a fragranced deodorant body spray for women that promised wearers male attention. Impulse was axed in 1983, after a rape suspect successfully claimed that as the victim had been wearing Impulse, he was not blame. Unilever had to accept this, as had they defened against the claims, they would have been sustebile to claims of flase advertising. Whilst women's groups boycotted Impulse, there were calls among male adolecents that a similar product for men be made. Thus, Lynx, under its French name, Axe (a reference to Impulse, being 'Axed') was made. The spray was a great sucess and Unilever were keen to capitalise on Axe's French success and rolled it out in the rest of Europe from 1985 onwards, later introducing the other products in the range. When introduced to the UK and Ireland in 1985 by Elida Gibbs Ltd it was renamed Lynx as another company had taken the "Axe" trademark.

Axe can be bought in the United Kingdom from £1 shops and more recently 99p stores.

edit Ingredients

The sucess of the brand relys on its amility to cover the the smell of both fresh and dried ejaculate that usually covers male adolecents. Whilst originally made from mis-shaped eggs from Faberge's massive chicken farms, this practice was stopped in 1991, admid customer complaints that eggs had a very '80's smell. Today, Lynx's pungent aroma is derived in the main, from essence of dog urine, golden syrup and pre cum. Other smells and aromas are used to make Lynx's various brands. For example, Lynx Tribal was known to contain chicken nugget grease whilst Lynx Dark contained Bulgarian red wine. It is thought but not proven that Lynx Holy contained both sweat from Shaolin monks, and Pope John Paul's pre cum, rather than the pre cum of monkeys that is usually used. The vatican denied these claims, but in the late Pope's will, a message in Latin, 'Lyncum Meus Massus' meaning 'I came in the Lynx' was thought to confirm the rumours.

In France, slightly different ingredients are used under the brand name 'Axe'. This contains a mix of the sweat of French agricultural workers, and Camenbert cheese. Axe was the centre of contoversy in 2002 when an undercover operation discovered that Axe was using the sweat of foreign agricultural workerrs rather than that of French nationals. Share prices dropped 40% in one day with the then president of France, Jaques Chirac saying 'Zees ees rediciule. Once again zee French pride as bin reaped by zee foreingers'.

edit Prohibition

Lynx was banned in 2003. No one is sure of why this happened and no evidence exists to confirm this. Conspiracy Theorists claim that Lynx was in fact never banned.

edit Triva

  • Avram Grant, the Chelsea caretaker who was accidentaly made Manager is allergic to Lynx. Grant claims it brings out boils on his back and face. Arsenal boss, Arsene Wenger is said to have have covered himself in the stuff before the Chelsea vs Arsenal game in 2007. Grant could be seen coughing and spluttering and scratching his face throughout the match.
  • In some parts of Eastern Europe, Lynx is considered a deliacy, and eaten by village elders at speacial feasts in the autumn.
  • During the 2007 Arsenal vs Chelsea game, Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger covered himself in Lynx after hearing that Chelsea caretaker come manager Avram Grant was allergic to the stuff. Grant, who claims it brings out boils on his back and face could be seen coughing and spluttering and scratching his balls throughout the match.
  • Lynx jumped at the chance to sponsor an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1990. It wasn't until a week before the film Kindergarten Cop Off was released that they realised the film was about a paedophile teacher. Lynx shareholders were incencsed and ordered the Universal to remove all Lynx references from the film. A five minute segment of the film had to be cut in which Schwarzenegger sprays himself with Lynx to attract the attention of some of the young girls.

edit See also

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