Luton

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“Luton has one of the largest mosques in modern Europe. I visit it frequently”
~ Bruce Forsyth on Luton
“I hit my first volley in Luton; at a policeman”
~ Monica Seles on Luton
“When I entered Luton, I thought mmm, beautiful. Then I activated my sentences and I realised that I would have been lucky growing up as a prisoner in Auschwitz”
~ Oscar Wilde on Luton
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Luton.

Luton is a large hole in Bedfordshire, created in 1950 when a large refuse truck overturned leaving a load of shit in the town identically representing the look of the worlds largest public toilet. It is a wonderful fusion of the everyday and the extraordinary, a living city that has shaped , that today reflects the best of historic and contemporary life and is continuing to make its mark on the future.

Even if you have never visited Luton, it has still touched your life as the place that inspired Einstein, Adorno, Oscar Wilde, Daniel Lynch, Paul Middleton (currently wanted and on the run) Isaac Newton, Islamic fundamentalist bombers, that scriptwriter from Space 1999, the posh English bloke who gets killed in AvP, and many more. Today it is inspiring thousands of Luton students and leads the way in new and emerging technology. Luton is well known as the largest Asian community that is located in the Western World, the second largest is probably Bedford. There is no known language in Luton, as its inhabitants have yet to learn how to speak (it is believed that they have not yet discovered fire). What is so unusual about the Lutonian language is that they as a people are limited to only a few simple phrases. These include 'innit', 'is you starting on me?' and 'fuck off'. These few phrases cause great misery within Luton and amongst the Lutonians which is why it is known as the 'hole', 'dump', and 'shithole' of Great Britain. While the lucky few are perfectly able to speak proper English, a large majority is not this lucky. To sum up an introduction to Luton, if you can walk from the arndale shopping "mall" to the "Galaxy" centre without being stabbed, you are either asian or an extraordinary individual.

Lutonian Inventions

They have as of yet invented nothing, many cars in Luton have wheels in the shape of squares and triangles, currently they have not discovered the shape that is known as 'the circle'. As the people of Luton have no power, they still uses horses as the pivot of their industrial lives, however, as many girls in Luton are so ugly, sometimes girls can be seen pulling carts, as they are believed to be horses.

Sadly, Lutonians have not yet discovered elastic, as poor hoodies wander the streets in search of bus stops to demolish and people to rob, with their trousers down to their ankles. This causes them to move in a very peculiar waddle known as 'The Lutonian Penguin'.

Considering the lutonians have a mental age of 3, they do have some skills. Oh wait i was mistaken, they don't have any skills. Sorry.

What to see and do

Luton and the surrounding area provides an inspirational base to discover the East of England.

Visit the city's famous University Colleges, museums, parks and open spaces, or take time out to explore the many historic houses, animal collections, shopping centres, gardens & country parks the area has to offer. Many of the city's greatest pleasures belong to the evening hours. After dark the landscape transforms from that of punts, shops and sunny views to one of candlelit restaurants, traditional pubs and sophisticated clubs and bars.

And if you're in the mood for a night out and are willing to spend a bit you can buy yourself a pint of Heineken in Brookes before moving onto Kink where you can buy drugs from a stranger in the toilet and then go outside and drink Smirnoff in the street.

And if you're really in a good mood, go and tell some Lewsey lads how ugly they are. It's a running joke, they'll laugh until they cry. honest.

However if you begin to feel like you must see a spectacle worse than watching a elf make a beef sandwich out of maggot poo and the remains of Max Mosley, then you're in the right place, just head to Kenilworth Road on a Saturday afternoon.

Classic games played by many teenage tear-aways are, Who Can Get The Brown Baby First (this also give you bonus points for the secondary game of Benefit Fraud) and Drug Delirium, usually played with Acid or Mushrooms, available at any Bury Park Veg shop.

Following the recent upgrade of George Square, where all trees and character were removed from the area, a massive floodlight has been erected and shiny blue lights installed. Local debate is still trying to decide what the fucking point was or if it's even finished yet? But we must thank our considerate Council members for including the public shower system right under the high spot light. This is handy for all our drunken residents who tend to live outside of houses, spacious I suppose. But the sprinkler system allows them to have their annual showers and wash the shit/vomit/insects and other generally nasty dirt from their bodies.

Meet and interact with the locals and european friends alike. Behind our local Weatherspoons office you will find the daily congregation of homeless, drunken and stoned middle aged men. the conversation can be a bit confused but the common greeting is 'eh, fucker..' approach confidently and have a cigarette ready.. throw it and it will distract them for several minutes. The scenery of fresh flowers, empty White Lightening bottles, used needles and pine trees is a must(not) see.

To summarise Luton, it is a big shithole that is a wasteland for some bin men. Waste corporations travel to Luton to excrete their spare waste to make Luton more Lutonish. If you think I'm joking? Any Luton person will tell you it's a crawling bin bag. You will never see the floor of "The Purley" and neither will you find a well-grammared Lewsey Farmer.

The University of Bedfordshire

The University of Bedforshire was originally named "The University of Luton". However, the name change took place (in 2006), as students (and the world population for that matter) thought Luton was "a bit shit" and "you wouldn't really want to put that on your degree certificate". Other proposed names included "University of Easyjet", "University of Stelios", "Dumbass University", and "EasyUniversity" (with an orange logo).

The University of Bedfordshire is rich in history - its famous Airport and University buildings attract visitors from all over the world. But the University's museums and collections also hold many treasures which give an exciting insight into some of the scholarly activities, both past and present, of the University's academics and students.

The University of Bedfordshire is one of the oldest universities in the world and one of the largest in the United Kingdom. Its reputation for outstanding academic achievement is known world-wide and reflects the intellectual achievement of its students, as well as the world-class original research carried out by the staff of the University and the Airport.

Many of the University's customs and unusual terminology can be traced to roots in the early years of the University's long history.

Although it stands out for it's academic genius, there sure are some dumbshits working for it. If a student is meant to go for a learning placement out in the "real world" (the airport) then nobody will be told until three days before they are meant to start there. This aggrivates many a student, and drug-runner.

The average Lutonian school pupil learns approximately nothing at Luton schools. They frequently use the device known as a mobile phone to contact their mates using a very complex language known as 'Luton Text' which consists of LoL, cul8r, and various other incomprehensible words. This peculiar language formed the inspiration for at least three Dan Brown novels and it is rumored that you will discover the secret of the universe if you crack the 'Luton Text' enigma.

The role of the Airport in Lutonian life

The Airport is an independent institution with its own property and income. Luton Airport appoints its own staff and is responsible for selecting students, in accordance with University regulations. The teaching of students is shared between the Airport and University departments. Degrees are awarded by the University.

Within the Airport, staff and students of all disciplines are brought together. This cross-fertilisation has encouraged the free exchange of ideas which has led to the creation of a number of new companies. Luton Airport has also established science parks, providing facilities for start-ups, and making a significant contribution to the identification of Luton as a centre of innovation and technology.

The Airport even has its own Premiership football team, Luton Airport. They are currently 9th in the league, and managed by Germaine Greer. Like most of the small succsesses of Luton however the club is more of a breeding ground for the scum and gives them the small glimer of hope that stops all of us from being able to prove they are more vermin than human and lead to their immidiate extermination.

Everything is sponsored by EasyJet, a budget airline that cuts costs and passes savings on to the passenger by flying Sopwith Camels fueled with old chip oil. And everyone who works for Easyjet are the Easystaff also known as polskis, placks, palefaces, poles and EasyPolish but who are we to complain they do all the jobs we can't be arsed to do. Ocassionally you will see a rare gay English bloke on a flight and, even more rarely, a Muslim. Of course not many of those are hired anymore.

Recently the airport was due for a major expansion project. However this idea was doomed from the beginning as Luton is situated merely a few miles from Harpenden whose population were rich and bored enough to stage a protest (sort of) consisting of a few signs and petitions. Eventually the Lutonian project leaders realised that the Harpenden folk, who feared greatly for their property prices, could fund this 'attack' indefinitely and so decided that it would be easier to have them all killed. The money has now been redirected into this new project involving Transformers who hide as EasyJet planes. To prevent Harpenden's collective funds from finding out about this, the government planned to create several traveller sites nearby and unsurprisingly Harpenden folk are funding a movement against this. This has allowed the government of Luton to prepare the Transformers so that the airport may finally be expanded.

Having read all that, do bear in mind that the airport calls itself "London Luton Airport" and in no way associates its location with the town itself; it prides itself on its locality to London, not Luton.

To put all of this into a few words, the airport is the quickest way out of this hell-hole.

Places of Interest

  • Luton train station (for a quick getaway)
  • Luton Parkway train station (for a classier, urine and poo-smelly toilets quick getaway)
  • M1 Junctions 10 and 11 (for a 100mph getaway)
  • Luton Airport (departure lounge - for a 500mph getaway)
  • The George Bush Mosque on Leonides Street
  • Cheapside - A real street in Luton, as cheap as it sounds...
  • Bury Park - Absolutely terrible place that many people in Luton are fighting to allow the government to destroy with a Nuclear Bomb. The radiation would then kill off any surrounding scum. A plea to any away supporter going to Kenilworth road, please smash up this part of the town for the sake of all man kind and George Bush's war on terror.
  • The Golden Chef on Leagrave Road
  • K. Ashleighs Fish stall in the Market
  • The Galaxy Centre - Whoever built and 'designed' this dump must surely have had a sick sense of humour. Resplendent with bowling and arcades it is probably best to keep your head down and eyes averted after 7pm at night. Unless you want your features reinvented by the local scumbags who are intent on stealing your mobile phone. The place is a missed opportunity.

Sites of special scientific interest within Luton

Lewsey Farm in Luton has been singled out as a specific site of scientific interest, as it is home to the only known breeding colony of Ewok in the country.

The River Lee - runs right through the town but amazingly, its contents change every year. Water is not one of them. Previous contents include white cider, urine and homeless people. Recently an atom bomb, a family of Amphibious mexicans and a man-bear-pig where all discovered by a Polish Immigrant fishing for someething to eat.

One person on a stag night thought it would be funny to drink from this ditch and sadly for him he woke up the next day with lepresy and prostate cancer Don't drink from the river!

The incredible Arndale Centre, also known as "shit hole with stuff to steal". A veritable circus of chavness complete with heavily mad-up slappers of all ages, gluesniffers, pickpockets and 16 year old mothers with 2 Asian kids. Is there any hope for these people ? NO is the short answer. Should terrorists target this instead of the underground? Well, we will leave that question to Bury Park residents.

Famous Sons of Luton

Bedmond the Unready (1352-1394) was born and raised in Luton and allegedly went on to found the town of Bedford

Smiley the Harrowmite (1609-1699), the self confessed frowner, managed to break the then world record for frowning (approximately 2 days), with an incredible -1 years and 18 days. He performed this magnificent feat in Luton, incredible given the hole's sheer beauty and brilliance. The record was eventually broken by my mate Carl.

John O'Cahan (1991-2007), guitarist, genius, all round maniac. Once climbed up the Arndale centre on a space hopper for a giggle.

Lorraine Chase (1932-present) actress and comic, famous for saying "Luton airport" in an advert for some drink, possibly Campari or Cinzano, often seen meditating on runway 2 of Luton airport before she jets off to Yorkshire for filming of popular (with the very elderly and retarded) Emmerdale(formally Emmerdale Farm) Once married to Malcolm Cheese and double barrelled her name to Cheese-Chase. Last seen blowing Salman Rushdie.

Gerry "mad bastard" Duggar (1960-present)a nocturnal creature who haunts pubs and nightclubs telling lies to strangers whilst wearing a tin foil hat, claims to have invented the sun whilst giving a "blowie" to David Cameron. Most lutonians believe him as he has "evidence" ( a jizz and shit stained t-shirt)

The MP (1941 to present). He likes gay subjects like slow jazz (jazz apreciation), republicanism (in Europe that means he is a leftist), constitution-and-citizenship, sailing in Norfolk.......and the Knigdom of Norgay!?? He's a vicechairman on these subjects!! IN THAT CASE: Norygens deserve to know what wrong they have done to earn his attention. That is before we mention how little he cares for his own constituency, where all half of all students are a bunch of pregnant teenagers. Specially those who study PR management. Neither does he know that British police actually dares to pronounce, that Luton is a radicalised society.

Plans for the Future

Luton Borough Council has stated plans to waste further money on construction projects such as deforesting the town centre and adding a fascia to the shopping centre in order to hide the general ugliness. There have also been rumours that the hole should just be filled in (with the people still in it), and a new city built on top. A draft has also been drawn up in order to declare independence from Pakistan and re-integrate with the United Kingdom. However this has brought general disapproval by both communities. Indeed, some have even suggested that the town be partitioned, with half remaining in Pakistan, and the other joining the Republic of Ireland. The government is also deciding on how to solve the 'Luton Problem' and they have recently come up with 'The Final Solution'. They are currently planning on removing every JJB, Indian/Asian Take-away (apart from the Chinese ones), every Sports World and every dodgy public park. By doing this all of the chavs, rapists, muderers, stabbers and all of the other scumbags of Luton will die of starvation and loss of their habit, thus maybe creating a more decent shithole that is just good enough to be called a dump, rather than a giant pile of catshit.

More recently a government proposal has introduced the idea of burying Luton in concrete and starting again. Project leader Adam Slanger explains the proposal as follows. "I think we can all agree that this city was a bit of a... well, it was a cock up. Let's replace it with a nice tree or something and move on with our lives".

Sister City

Luton has an American sister city in the beautiful paradise of Detroit, Michigan. Both cities share in their thriving auto companies being part of General Motors. Another attribute, which the two cities share, are their lack of minorities.

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