Luton
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“Luton has one of the largest mosques in modern Europe. I visit it frequently”
~ Bruce Forsythe on Luton
“I hit my first volley in Luton; at a policeman”
~ Monica Seles on Luton
Luton is a large hole in Bedfordshire, created in 1950 when a large refuse truck overturned leaving a load of shit in the town. It is a wonderful fusion of the everyday and the extraordinary, a living city that has shaped history, that today reflects the best of historic and contemporary life and is continuing to make its mark on the future.
Even if you have never visited Luton, it has still touched your life as the place that inspired Einstein, Adorno, Oscar Wilde, Isaac Newton, Islamic fundamentalist bombers, that scriptwriter from Space 1999, the posh English bloke who gets killed in AvP, and many more. Today it is inspiring thousands of Luton students and leads the way in new and emerging technology. Luton is well known as the largest Asian community that is located in the Western World, the second largest is probably Bedford. The languages in Luton are mixed, the main ones are the following Arabic, Polish, Lithuanian, Hindu, Pakistani, and the native language of luton, known as Lutonian. The language Lutonian is fairly simple, yet it is highly complex to understand. This is because of their unusual accents, the Lutonians are unable to pronounce the letters, t, r, w, and I can't be bothered to type all of the others because then I would have to type the entire alphabet, and to be honest I really can't be pissed! What is so unusual about the Lutonian language is that they as a people are limited to only a few simple phrases. These include 'innit', 'is you starting on me?' and 'fuck off'. These few phrases cause great misery within Luton and amongst the Lutonians which is why is is known as the 'hole', 'dump', and 'shithole' of Great Britain.
[edit] History of Luton
During the invasion, the Dialects created a large hole in Bedfordshire, in order to gain access to the Earth's core, in order to remove it and replace it with an interstellar drive. The hole, named 'Luton' after the High Skaroese word for "very big hole" (which happens to be the Low Skaroese word for "festering toilet") was subsequently taken up and used as a settlement by human survivors (mainly Cockernee Rejects from The Smoke) after the Dialects had been defeated. The Dialect-built spaceport nearby the hole has subsequently become known as Luton Airport.
It has been a Pakistani Overseas Territory since the 1970's. Sometimes it is hard to make out the original inhabitants or their descendents but they are easily identified by their swivelling eyeballs. Their uncanny ability to look two or more directions at the one time is thought by some students of evolution to be a result of a need to keep a sharp lookout for the Police, security guards or flying bricks and knives. This would have been an important evolutionary development in the strain of chavness that now infests the town.
It is even said that the great nelson mandela came to luton visited a mosque, started chewing the carpet. He then involuntarily urinated and ate some beef jerky (apparently this meant that the mosque had to be knocked down). He quoted "ohh my ghod,its spicy". and that was fun
Luton was once a sweet haven for normal english and irish people and the odd nigerian (eg. Mr Effah). but recently it has been invaded by waves of pakistani and polish otherwise known as the evil P's (poles and paki's). It is not as bad as it seems though as they do fill in those jobs that no-one else wants to do. Mainly corner shops for the stani's and airhostess's and cleaners for the poles.
Luton was recently awarded the worlds most diverse shithole award presented by steven hawking
[edit] Lutonian Inventions
The Lutonian people are fairly simple, yet their inventions and other various creations have had a large effect upon our modern society. These include many forms of 'street fighting'of which are also often used within gang warfare. These include 'the drive-by', and 'the bike-stab'. These are now used by gangs all over the world. As well as this, Lutonians invented knuckle-dusters, flick knives, and the nuclear bomb. However, this was created by accident when chavs raided a science lab to try to gain 'street-cred'. In general, the Lutonians have invented everything that causes death, disease, chaos and general terror.
[edit] What to see and do
Luton and the surrounding area provides an inspirational base to discover the East of England.
Visit the city's famous University Colleges, museums, parks and open spaces, or take time out to explore the many historic houses, animal collections, shopping centres, gardens & country parks the area has to offer. Many of the city's greatest pleasures belong to the evening hours. After dark the landscape transforms from that of punts, shops and sunny views to one of candlelit restaurants, traditional pubs and sophisticated clubs and bars.
And if you're really in a good mood, go and tell some Lewsey lads how ugly they are. It's a running joke, they'll laugh until they cry. honest.
However if you begin to feel like you must see a spectacle worse than watching a elf make a beef sandwich out of maggot poo and the remains of Max Mosley, then you're in the right place, just head to Kenilworth Road on a Saturday Afternoon... and no...that stand isn't a caravan showroom, its where Mike Newell's unrealistic ego is stored.
Following the recent upgrade of George Square, where all trees and character were removed from the area, a massive floodlight has been erected and shiny blue lights installed. Local debate is still trying to decide what the fucking point was or if it's even finished yet?
To summarise Luton, it is a big shithole that is a wasteland for some bin men. Waste corporations travel to luton to excrete their spare waste to make luton more lutonish. If you think im joking? Any Luton person will tell you its a crawling bin bag. You will never see the floor of "The Purley" and neither will you find a well grammared Lewsey Farmer.
The Galaxy Centre. Whoever built this monstrosity must have had a sick sense of humour.
Do not make eye contact with anyone in there after 7pm unless you want your face rearranged by local scumbags spoiling for your mobile phone.
[edit] The University of Bedfordshire
The University of Bedforshire was originally named "The University of Luton". However, the name change took place (in 2006), as students (and the world population for that matter) thought Luton was "a bit shit" and "you wouldn't really want to put that on your degree certificate". Other proposed names included "University of Easyjet", "University of Stelios" and "EasyUniversity" (with an orange logo).
The University of Bedfordshire is rich in history - its famous Airport and University buildings attract visitors from all over the world. But the University's museums and collections also hold many treasures which give an exciting insight into some of the scholarly activities, both past and present, of the University's academics and students.
The University of Bedfordshire is one of the oldest universities in the world and one of the largest in the United Kingdom. Its reputation for outstanding academic achievement is known world-wide and reflects the intellectual achievement of its students, as well as the world-class original research carried out by the staff of the University and the Airport.
Many of the University's customs and unusual terminology can be traced to roots in the early years of the University's long history.
Some people belive hitler was born here and it is rumoured that in the second world war his original right testicle was hidden away in the cleaners closet at the back of the toilet at this fine institiute. The average Lutonian school pupil learns approximately nothing at Luton schools. They frequently use the device known as a mobile phone to contact their mates using a very complex language known as 'Luton Text' which consists of LoL, cul8r, and various other incomprehensible words. it is rumored that you will discover the secret of the universe if you crack the 'Luton Text' enigma.
[edit] The role of the Airport in Lutonian life
The Airport is an independent institution with its own property and income. Luton Airport appoints its own staff and is responsible for selecting students, in accordance with University regulations. The teaching of students is shared between the Airport and University departments. Degrees are awarded by the University.
Within the Airport, staff and students of all disciplines are brought together. This cross-fertilisation has encouraged the free exchange of ideas which has led to the creation of a number of new companies. Luton Airport has also established science parks, providing facilities for start-ups, and making a significant contribution to the identification of Luton as a centre of innovation and technology.
The Airport even has its own Premiership football team, Luton Airport. They are currently 9th in the league, and managed by Germaine Greer.
Everything is sponsored by EasyJet. And everyone who works for Easyjet are the Easystaff also known as polskis,placks,palefaces,poles and EasyPolish but who are we to complain they do all the jobs we can't be arsed to do. Ocassionally you will see a rare gay english bloke on a flight and even more rarely a muslim. Of course not many of those are hired anymore.
Recently the airport was due for a major expansion project. However this idea was doomed from the beginning as Luton is situated merely a few miles from Harpenden whose population were rich and bored enough to stage a protest (sort of) consisting of a few signs and petitions. Eventually the Lutonian project leaders realised that the Harpenden folk, who feared greatly for their property prices, could fund this 'attack' indefinitely and so decided that it would be easier to have them all killed. The money has now been redirected into this new project involving Transformers who hide as easyjet planes. To prevent Harpenden's collective funds from finding out about this, the government planned to create several traveller sites nearby and unsurprisingly Harpenden folk are funding a movement against this. This has allowed the government of Luton to prepare the Transformers so that the airport may finally be expanded.
[edit] Places of Interest
- Luton Airport (departure lounge)
- Luton train station (a quick getaway)
- Luton Parkway train station (for a classier, urine-smell-free quick getaway)
- M1 Junction 10
- Cheapside - a real street in Luton. As cheap as it sounds...
- Bury Park - Absolutely terrible place that many people in Luton are fighting to allow the government to destroy with a Nuclear Bomb. The radiation would then kill off any surrounding scum. A plea to any away supporter going to Kenilworth road, please smash up this part of the town for the sake of all man kind and George Bush's war on terror.
- The Golden Chef on Leagrave Road
- K.Ashleighs Fish stall in the Market
- The Galaxy Centre. Whoever built and 'designed' this dump must surely have had a sick sense of humour. Resplendent with bowling and arcades it is probably best to keep your head down and eyes averted after 7pm at night. Unless you want your features reinvented by the local scumbags who are intent on stealing your mobile phone. The place is a missed opportunity.
[edit] Sites of special scientific interest within Luton
Lewsey Farm in Luton has been singled out as a specific site of scientific interest, as it is home to the only known breeding colony of Ewok in the country.
The River Lee - runs right through the town but amazingly, its contents change every year. Water is not one of them. Previous contents include white cider, urine and homeless people. Recently an atom bomb, a family of Amphibious mexicans and a man-bear-pig where all discovered by a Polish Immigrant fishing for someething to eat.
One person on a stag night thought it would be funny to drink from this ditch and sadly for him he woke up the next day with lepresy and prostate cancer *** don't drink from the river !!! ***
The incredible Arndale Centre. A veritable circus of chavness complete with heavily mad-up slappers of all ages, gluesniffers, pickpockets and 16 year old mothers with 2 Asian kids. Is there any hope for these people ? NO is the short answer. Should terrorists target this instead of the underground. Well we will leave that question to bury park residents.
[edit] Famous Sons of Luton
Bedmond the Unready (1352-1394) was born and raised in Luton and allegedly went on to found the town of Bedford
Sir Erasmus Cackarse, the self-styled travel writer, was born at Cackarse Towers, just outside Luton. The stately home is no longer owned by the Cackarse family, and is presently a training centre for the Luton and Dunstable Jihad Society.
Smiley the Harrowmite (1609-1699), the self confessed frowner, managed to break the then world record for frowning (approximately 2 days), with an incredible -1 years and 18 days. He performed this magnificent feat in Luton, incredible given the hole's sheer beauty and brilliance. The record was eventually broken by my mate Carl.
John O'Cahan (1991-2007), guitarist, genius, all round maniac. Once climbed up the Arndale centre on a space hopper for a giggle.
Lorraine Chase (1932-present) actress and comic, famous for saying "Luton airport" in an advert for some drink, possibly Campari or Cinzano, often seen meditating on runway 2 of Luton airport before she jets off to Yorkshire for filming of "Emmerdale"(formally Emmerdale farm) Once married to Malcolm Cheese and double barelled her name to Cheese-Chase. Last seen blowing Salman Rushdie.
MC Luton - lyrical genius and stright up gansgtar boy
[edit] Plans for the Future
Luton Borough Council has stated plans to waste further money on construction projects such as deforesting the town centre and adding a fascia to the shopping centre in order to hide the general ugliness. There have also been rumours that the hole should just be filled in (with the people still in it), and a new city built on top. A draft has also been drawn up in order to declare independence from Pakistan and re-integrate with the United Kingdom, however this has brought general disapproval by both communities. The government is also deciding on how to solve the 'Luton Problem' and they have recently come up with 'The Final Idea'. They are currently planning on removing every JJB, Indian/Asian Take-away (apart from the Chinese ones because the are fucking awesome), every Sports World and every dodgey public park. by doing this all of the chavs, rapists, muderers, stabbers and all of the over scumbags of Lutons will die of starvation and loss of their resulting habit and thus maybe creating a more decent shithole that is just good enough to be called a dump, rather than a shithole.
More recently a government proposal has introduced the idea of burying Luton in concrete and starting again. Project leader Adam Slanger explains the proposal as follows. "I think we can all agree that this city was a bit of a... well it was a cock up. Let's replace it with a nice tree or something and move on with our lives".
[edit] Links and Collaborations
Luton is twinned with Geisenheim (Germany)
Luton can be found in between the fourth and fifth parts of Hyperspace
There was a mix up in the translation from arabic to english about Jesus birth place. Jerusalem actually translates to George street.
