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“Who is rich? He that is content? Who is that? Nobody.”
“Who is rich? He that claims D.L.A.? Who is that? Everybody”
“A dordy hole! ”
“Ich bin ein Lurganite!”
Lurgan, also known locally as An Lorgain (Irish Gaelic meaning seething cesspit) or Lorgin, like (in the Lurgano language), Is a small market town situated near the southern shores of Lough Neagh in Northern Ireland. It was built in 446BC when the Portadown Orange men decided to set up camp in protest of the blockades of sheep, which were set up by the vikings along their traditional route around Lough Neagh that they had walked for 12 years (before that though their traditional route was 'round the back of Banbridge). It lies 16 nautical miles from Belfast, and 2 from Craigavon.
People from Lurgan are commonly regarded as either alcoholic benefit claimers or complete hooligans and thugs.
Lurgan is a town in the North of Ireland which is recorded in the Guinness book of records for having more residents on PIPS (D.L.A.) than any other town or city in the UK.
Coffee bars and cafes in the town are the learning centres for assessment and interview techniques carried out by the benefits agency.
These classes go right up to degree level, depending on your ability to perform an Oscar winning performance.
Lurgan is considered by Facebook to be one of the most lucrative markets for advertising due to local members needs such as fake tans, nail bars and hair extensions.
Lurgan Facebook membership shows a high level of single mums on benefits. These young ladies can earn twice that of women in full time employment due to the generosity of the benefits system.
To locate their pages, type in “Stay at home mummy” translated means I got knocked up for benefits and a free house. Or “Little home maker” translated means I have a party house and the bru pays the rent and those who work for a living pays my council rates and I jockey in it every weekend night with somebodies husband or boyfriend as I don’t have one.
Facebook comments range from “Lookin great babe” translated means, I pm’d all my mates to laugh at this fat cow squeezed into that dress.
Lurgan has a long history of what is commonly referred to as “The Troubles”.
This isn’t in reference to the fight for Irish independence, the troubles are what Lurgan people are good at getting themselves into.
This ranges from neighbours getting caught seeing to a friend’s wife while he was out at work, talking about somebody behind their back and a friend not knowing the meaning of the term “now don’t repeat that”.
The Troubles claimed a notable number of victims in the town, all of whom were extremely troubled, although some were more bothered than troubled, but have nonetheless been counted in official statistics.
The troubles were at their height when the ETU (Early Treatment Unit) closed down at Craigavon hospital.
Publicans had their troublesome cliental returned and it became a lot more difficult to get yourself onto the sick or obtain D.L.A.
•The Lurgan residents are inclined to name their children after the place of conception.
25% of the population being registered with the first name "Foresters", 23% “Institute " while the remaining 43% are Wakehurst or Belvedere”.
•Lurgan is considered to be as cosmopolitan as any major city, most languages can be heard in Market Street with translators available in any GP surgery.
•On The 6th of September 2007 a questionnaire was sent out to every house and apartment in the Lurgan area.
The point of the questionnaire was to determine if there were any genetic disorders in the family in residence. A high percentage of the forms were returned with the section addressing “paternal father” left blank.
•A specialist medical examination team carried out research in Lurgan in 2010 to establish how residents who attended their G.P surgery twice a week with bad backs, depression or Fibromyalgia or in receipt of disability living allowance suddenly became fit and healthy on Friday and Saturday nights.
Their findings were Buckfast tonic wine and the thought of bringing somebody’s husband home with you after the pubs closed cured more than a pilgrimage to Lourdes.
•The area is served by two local newspapers, one for women which is called “The Examiner” and one for men called “The Lurgan Male”.
In 2017 the Kilwilkie housing estate was evacuated for 72 hours after a suspicious item was found on the pavement. It turned out to be a pay packet.
The Irish National Foresters Hall (INF)Locally pronounced the fawsters, (usage: "I was aff ma bake in the fawsters on sunday mornin'")
Oxford Island is three and a quarter miles from the Foresters. A popular entertainment resort renowned for dancing and gaiety. A hotbed for local academics and intellects alike. There is dancing here three nights a week and there is also a Sunday lunchtime ball with dancing commencing at 12.00noon. This is known as "The Ugly Bugs Ball" due to the females it attracts. Another popular venue of entertainment for the more mature, is The Mechanics Institute, with a fine selection of old boilers.
This census showed that the 25% of those in full time employment paid the council rates for the 75% of residents that don’t bother to work.
Female occupations were listed as Facebook “stay at home mum” or “Little home maker”
Male occupations were listed as drunks.
47% were listed as married, but living with someone else’s husband.
Under the Freedom of information act, Lurgan was listed as having the highest percentage of Drunk drivers (driving under the influence of alcohol) for 2016 and 2017. Under caution most admitted to it stating it was because they were too drunk to walk.
Disability Living Allowance
Lurgan is a town with a sizable population.
4 out of 10 who live there are receiving PIPS the new name for D.L.A. (Disability Living Allowance). If you walk along Lurgan's main street (Market Street) on any week-day, you will meet several small packs of overweight young women with pushchairs wearing white t-shirts and blue tracksuit bottoms bearing a white strip down the sides, returning from their G.P. Surgery brandishing a number of prescriptions for medication which they will never take, although it keeps them right when it comes their turn for the PIPS assessment. They gather in one of the numerous coffee shops dotted around the town to discuss what benefits they can claim. Or to advise newcomers to the profession what they are entitled to claim for, such as the correct dosage of undiluted orange juice to give to a child in order to claim for the ever popular hyperactivity allowance.
Disability Living Allowance: Cars
Anyone who walks on two legs in Lurgan is entitled to a free car (to value £850,000) through DLA, favorite models include Bugatti Veyrons, Rolls Royce and Hummer H2s. The government is adds an extra £100,000 to the allowance for every child the person has.
- 9 out of 16 DLA claimants can be eternally found in the local Rolls Royce dealership (Howard Abraham), asking for a larger car or enquiring about state-funded engine tuning, that will allow their new Silver Phantom to achieve 356mph on the Portadown Robinson Road on a Saturday night.
- 15 out of the 20 Rolls Royce Silver Phantoms can be found on a Sunday morning, either burnt out on Pollock Drive or at the bottom of the Park lake (with the 12 Foot tall occupants still inside).
The claimants with 10+ children may purchase a 53 seater Scania Coach. Only 3,400 Lurgan mothers have claimed this. Craigavon and Banbridge Health and Social Services Board are slightly disappointed with the result.
Lurgan has a number of good quality bakeries in the town.
Local tarts are very popular.
The once married and newly separated variety are the most popular for giving out generous portions. Belvedere, Derrylodge, Albert Street and Wakehurst are very popular for those seeking a variety of tarts. Most sample a tart once or go back for second helpings mid-week when the house is empty.
The Women of Lurgan
Lurgan women prove very popular and come in many different forms:
• The first is the single mum with her own house to host parties and prove popular for male callers and earn approximately £2,000 a month on benefits.
• The second is the married women who want people to view them as respectable, so they go for weekends in Edinburgh, Dublin, Liverpool and Dundalk as groups, and have more mounts than Lester Piggot. They return home by minibus on Sunday and tell their husbands that they missed them.
• The third group is the most popular. The separated Lurgan woman. She will generally live in a decent housing area, have a few kids, sometimes to the same father. She will have blonde hair, loads of makeup and doesn’t work.
• These tend to be the most popular model if you fancy a bit of jockeying, or something to supply a bed and extra rations. The down side to this is, when you go to leave the next morning, you have to wait and get introduced to a load of children sitting playing computer games, fighting over cereal or kick-boxing each other. 'Mummy' always stands smiling and introduces you as "Her friend".
• Lastly there is the "Old Boiler" these old tarts have been around the course more times than a greyhound. They go from Fa' Joe's, to the Fawsters and then to the Railway Bar. They frequent all the social clubs too. They live alone, they need fed Vodka through a garden hose and once full, they think they are extremely attractive and think they are doing you a favour when they offer to do "A turn".
The name "Loughgrove" is derived from the Ulster Scot's to mean "Those fenian's who play in the Portadown Winter League!"
Loughgrove FC was established in 1899 by Fa Joe to piss off Portadown Orange Men who didn't like playing football against fenians. In the early years the club struggled to get players as most of the baiyes preferred to go to Peter's training on a Friday night. However in 2010 a number of Lurgan baiyes (including Jasey Baylis and Paddy Farren) decided that they didn't need to drink every hour of every day and so decided to adorn the famous Yellow and Black shirt. These new additions coupled with the timely pissing off of Timothy Gallery to Liverpool made the team even stronger than Fra McIlduff's muscles!
The new look Loughgrove team went on to claim victory of the Winter League Shield in an enthralling 4-2 victory over Cabra Rovers one night a wee while ago. Ironically on this night (for the first time ever) there was not 3000 buckfast wielding Portadown baiyes telling "them fenian cunts" how shit they were!!!
Eels Eels Eels
Lurgan was twinned with a small village in America called San Francisco, California in 1979 for six months until the mayor of the village heard about Lurgan's politics and it was a tramp stronghold and quickly undid the twinning, removing all signs within 24 hours. Lurgan and Portadown (a town five miles away on the A3) merged in 1973 to create Craigavon Borough Council.
In the late 1970s the residents of the Shankhill estate requested their Sinn Fein representative on Craigavon Council to remove the speed bumps entering the estate. In 1998 they changed their minds and asked their Sinn Fein representative to re-erect them. The ramps proved so popular that both Sinn Fein and the D.U.P. covered Lurgan in them. The result was to slow traffic down and open five new businesses fitting exhaust systems and shock absorbers. 37% of Lurgan residents are on medication for altitude sickness due to the height of these ramps however the council is genuinely satisfied with the jobs that have been created.
Lurgan is famous for its long lines of traffic on Lake Street and the Lough Road, (Though these areas are terribly bad, nothing comes close to the build up of traffic on Victoria street during the nightly 3am rush hour, with everyone rushing to get out of the brothels before the peelers land up).
The signalman closes the level crossing gates as the train leaves Belfast Central station, in case it is early, an event which is yet to occur. Most motorists who use both Lake Street and the Lough Road bring sandwiches and a flask with them for each journey. Three children have been born to mothers waiting at the gates. One of them was conceived there. Craigavon Council's solution to the problem is, "We are looking into the problem and are considering a bridge". The unenviable task of solving the conundrum started in 1983, so the diligent councilors are due to make a decision within the next decade.
Lurgan Driving Test
The majority of the Lurgan driving test follows standard regulation with one exception, the learner must successfully make their way through the Kilwilke estate without having the vehicle hijacked and placed on the railway lines to be burned out.
A unique and very popular contraceptive is in widespread use in the Lurgan area. It involves using a plastic carrier bag (the Tesco is the most popular) as a protective sheath during the act of under age love making, local statutory rapists have hailed the innovation as "class" and "weeker". Council chiefs are bidding to make the cost effective solution more widely available in a bid to keep the local population under 1,000,000.
Lurgan has a large population of Heavy Metal fans, however, 80% of Lurganites who use the term Heavy metal are 12, or nearly 40 and just wish they were 12. They are on a crusade to destroy emos and chavs and Lurgano tarts alike with their metal. They worship Lemmy, because that sounds cool. They use their head banging skills to head butt their enemies and their death growls to rupture their enemies ear drums. They have a fortress comprised of 4 main Heavy Metals, Metallicanium , Rammsteinium , Dethklokium and Ozzium. Punks would never act this stupid. They're too busy drinking. Lurgan needs more Punks...
Links normally go at the end of articles, but since Lurgan is so tediously shite, we thought you might want an escape route. This section should really go at the top of the page. Anyway, here are three equally shite neighbouring hamlets that occasionally make Lurgan look civilised, with all their arsehole-ing about.
Famous Lurgan Inventions
- The "Chipolata Special" was invented in the town's Michelin starred restaurant, The Victoria Junction, under the stewardship of Heston Blumenthal warrier Paul Bradley. A combination of tiny sausages, onion, peas, gravy and chips; the Chipolata Special can be found in the world's leading restaurants and yet continues to be the staple diet of the Lurganite.
- After fleeing Italy following the unfortunate collapse of Fascism, The Caffolla family went into hiding in Lurgan where they invented Ice Cream. A bitter divide arose in the family over the freezing process, leading to two competing distribution points being established on Market Street & Carnegie Street respectively. Despite the recipes and taste being precisely identical, Lurganites still claim there is a difference and the town's sectarian divide revolves entirely around which Caffolla's you go to.
- Corned Beef Stew. Was invented by Lurgan butcher and hero Jim McCann. One day while wondering what to do with all that left over corned beef he had in his shop, he cooked it up in a stew and fed it to all the homeless alcos in Lurgan town (homeless but miraculously they all have flats and holiday homes in Co. Kerry courtesy of the Housing Executive and the tax payer respectively). The mayor was so impressed with Jim's heroism (afterall no one else would go near the dirty beggars), she renamed the 1st of april in his honour. Corned beef stew has been eaten on April fools day in Lurgan and right around the world ever since.
- The world's first Hamburger, the Hawaiian, was served in The Burger Stop in 1764. A delightful combination of meat substitute patties, soggy bun and tinned pineapple the Hawaiian reached international fame when launched as the flagship of the Stop's sister restaurant Julie's Kitchen. Julie's kitchen is bigger than McDonalds. In 1782 having realised that other trendy eateries around the world were copying The Burger stop/Julie's Kitchen Hawaiian burger, Julie's dad lost 'the bap' went on the rampage travelling around the globe smashing all their windies. After this he went on the run and was found 2 years later by the peelers hiding in a Cassidy skip that was sitting outside his own house. He was subsequently brought to trial at Craigavon magistrates and sentenced to life. A few minutes later his solicitor famously offered the Judge a free Hawaiian burger and his sentence was reduced to 200 hours community service.
- Rioting was developed as a form of community entertainment in Lurgan, archeologists can find traces of plastic bullets and petrol bombs dating back to 1690BC in the picturesque landmark area known as Kilwilke (prounounced Kill Wilk ee). Despite the success of the Northern Ireland Peace Process, Lurganites continue to enjoy rioting as a community bonding exercise. The main victims of rioting are the local Police force (Peelers), they are selected as targets largely because they go to the wrong Caffollas. Rioting is one of Lurgan's most exciting sports, visitors hoping to catch a good riot should visit during summertime only and then only on warm clear days when it is not raining.
- Hamster Huffing was invented in the late bronze age by chieftain Ryan McNeill during a bare-bollock wrestling match with gay giant Finn McCool. Legend has it that four-and-twenty orange fighting hamsters were intestinally huffed by flame-haired McNeill before he exploded in a ball of methane gas and pubic hair. His remains are believed to have been buried in the grounds of Lurgan Junior High School from whence it is believed he shall rise again, leading a zombie army of ginger gobshites on the day of Ragnarok. While the existence of Ryan McNeill has been called into question by historians, he is nevertheless worshipped as a minor deity to this day by Lurgan hamster huffers (recognisable by their hoodies, eggy-farts and the signature cry of "Yeoooooo" uttered at the peak of their huffing ecstasy).
- Space batons where invented in 1919 as a result of the 1916 rising. They were at first called peeler batons but this was outlawed, forcing their inventor, Obi Wan Kenobi(after staying with his granny for a fortnight in her house in Kilwilkie Gardens) to rethink the name. They are coloured ice lollies encased in a plastic surround. Recent archaeological evidence states that idea came from relating to children and what they knew best, in this case police weaponry. There has since been a plaque erected in Obi Wan Kenobi's memory. space batons can still be bought to this day in many lurgan shops.
- The "Doner King" is one of the most famous items to have arisen from Lurgan. It was pioneered by local kebab house owner Mel Kzezbzazb, who is originally from large Robinson farming family. Consisting of Naan Bread (As opposed to Father Joe's loaf) and thin strips of succulent processed sheep, it provides a semi-expensive and odourous end to an evening of pub-crawling. Assuming one has not threw the kebab up over the footpath, Alistair guarantees that his kebab will stay in your breath for 24 hours, an amazing feat for a Bleary farmer.
- Historiographers in general agree that " millions" and " drumsticks" were also invented in lurgan although no one has been credited with their invention. see also - spiralling list of dental problems and growth of dentists in lurgan 1800-1900.
- During the building of his pub in 1928 AD, Fa Joe invented Pritt stick. Through sales of alcohol and pritt stick, Fa became Lurgan's first multibillionaire at the age of 23.
- it is said that mix ups where invented by the late Ethna mcquade. Ethna apparently came up with the idea as her son michael one day knocked over all the different jellies, as he fondelled himself behind the counter, as he so often did, creating a "mix-up" in the sweets. Mix-ups can now be bought in every corner of Ireland.