Lunatic pigs

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radiationpiggy.jpg

A genuine lunatic pig found roaming the nights on Three Mile Island.

Lunatic pigs are a ‘terrible accident creature’; the kind of creature we expect to see many more of, now that insecure nuclear power is being spread to B-security nations like Iran and North Korea. The average lunatic pig is indistinguishable from normal pig if you look past their weird looks, the red eyes and the immensely aggressive nature of this dreadful species. They tend to ruin rural and farming landscapes by uprooting all manner of fences including (but not limited to): tree lines, electrical fences, stone enclosures, hedges and wooden fences. They've also gained some infamy for invading graveyards and uprooting and unearthing corpses and caskets and other rabble found in the ground of such places.

edit Origin and evolution

Lunatic pigs are a very special type of pig that originated in the Three Mile Island experimental radioactive leak purposefully conducted by the USA somewhere between 1900 and 2050. They look like normal pigs, but display several subtle differences. For instance they taste like human feces with a trace of asteroid, so they are edible but certainly not a culinary delight. They are however the national dish in Somalia, where there (to be fair) only are few other sources of human food (excluding cannibalism) such as radioactive uranium coated shells, clay, vehicle husks and dust particles.

Lunatic pigs are expected to rapidly evolve into mad cows within a very short duration of time, circa a few generations, due to the mutational effects of the radiation. At this point in history we might see the extinction of the lunatic pig (and a mass increase of mad cows), unless a new radioactive leak is created in close proximity to pigs which might be happening due to the new ecological trend of nuclear farming near Pripyat, Three Mile Island and Fukushima.

edit Biology

They mate far too frequently and have litters of 6-600 baby piggies at a time. Each piglet weighs between 200 grams and 7000 grams depending on how fiercely competitive the piglet was in the womb where the piglets cannibalize each other violently because they are born with a neo-capitalist strictly Darwinian economics worldview. If not baptized the piglets die at an age of 124 years. If baptized however, they die instantly which is great for population control purposes. They must be baptized by a transgender Buddhist monk of Rhodesian descent.

edit Short facts

  • Do not feed lunatic pig to lunatic pigs in order to force cannibalism. The assplode violently if they eat their own kind.
  • Some chefs report using metal spikes as a suitable spice when preparing lunatic pigs dinners. Other chefs report that the previously mentioned chefs are utterly full of BS and that the mere preparation of lunatic pigs for human consumption should be considered a war crime.
  • A lunatic pig cannot outweigh the Earth (probably).
  • The lunatic pigs must be kept calm with a strict diet of coffee, cocaine and ecstasy otherwise they become too docile and refuse to solve Rubik’s cubes.
  • Lunatic pigs are afraid of spiders and vagina hair that looks like spiders.
  • Lunatic pigs are one of the least hated, but most despised radioactive accident creatures. The most hated are the dumb waterboarding gorilla of Guantanamo Bay and the whistling tree-climbing dingo from rooftops all over Perth.
  • At least 7 lunatic pigs make their livings as writers on Conservapedia.
  • Last but not least: Do not hand feed lunatic pigs while you have an erection! Indeed very degrading experiences are known to have resulted from that mistake...
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