Lunar Launch

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 16:28, December 30, 2012 by Aleister in Chains (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
Unscriptlogo


This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.


Main Paige | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection


Lunar-lander

Apollo 15 – Lunar-lander was clearly designed for ease of vacuum navigation at speeds exceeding 110 kilometers-per-second.

The Apollo 15 Moon mission took place in 1971 at a time before real computers. One phase of the mission was Lunar Launch and docking with the command-module, Endeavor. This simple to imagine procedure is elaborately explained by Wikipedia in the following sentence:

“After the 'Apollo 15' Lunar Module 'Falcon' lifted from the Moon’s surface it docked with the Apollo Command-Service-Module, 'Endeavor'."

Amazingly easy! According to Wikipedia there is only the word "it" between 'surface' and 'docked'. But what actually transpired from Lunar launch until docking? What exactly is "it"? Did it take only one split second to launch back into orbit, get going 110 Kilometers per second (396,000 KPH?), then catch-up and dock safely with Endeavor in the empty vacuum of outer space? Sure, and bears shit in the Vatican.

In the late 1970s Apollo 15 crew members, Dave Scott and Jim Irwin, wrote a book on the experience titled, "If We Had Done It". The book created a sensation at NASA, and became a best seller. Later, both Scott and Irwin had their families kidnapped, and, under extreme duress, they publicly retracted this version. But it remains an underground classic.

In 1990, after reading the book, and realizing the great potential of a "Lunar Launch" film, director Stanley Kubrick bought the rights to the detailed story and interviewed the astronauts involved. A script was created, and a extremely diverse cast was assembled by Kubrick to satisfy his weird sense of humor and add ample surrealism. The cast was selected based on the three performers' innate natural characteristics and leading character portrayals. The result is quite interesting.

Lunar Launch

by
Stanley Kubrick

Based on the novel:
If We Had Done It

by David Scott & James Irwin




1st Draft 3/14/90
2nd Draft (White Revised) 3/31/90
3rd Draft (Blue Revised) 4/23/90
4th Draft (Pink Revised) 5/15/90
5th Draft (Yellow Revised) 5/17/90
6th Draft (Green Revised) 5/22/90
7th Draft (Gold Revised) 6/4/90
8th Draft CANCELLED: 6/4/90



Judi-joe-chong

CAST: Proposed

1. Commander David Scott (Tommy Chong)

2. Astronaut James Irwin (Joe Pesci)

3. NASA Voiceover (Judi Dench)

FADE IN:
SFX. "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME SONG
EXT. LUNAR SURFACE (MARSH OF DECAY), LUNAR MODULE
INT. LUNAR MODULE, FALCON
Commander David SCOTT, 38, tall, hippie, and Lunar Module Pilot James IRWIN, 32, short, gangster, have spent three days on the Moon performing their required tasks. The two Astronauts have completed their mission and are ready for Lunar Launch, and a return back into lunar orbit to dock with the Command-Service-Module, Endeavor, which contains the only toilet; and which is orbiting the Moon at a speed of 110 kilometers per second.
SCOTT
(taps microphone with forefinger)
Hey, Houston!
NASA V.O.
Go ahead, commander, this is Ground Control.
SCOTT
Listen, dude, we, like, did all our stuff. What's next? I gotta take a dump, big-time.
NASA V.O.
Blast-it all, Commander, you do have a way with words.
IRWIN
I'll tell ya some fuckin' words! Like, how the fuck are we supposed to get off the Moon, and dock with Endeavor in open space? That's gotta be fuckin' impossible.
NASA V.O.
Just follow the manual.
SCOTT
Manuel? He works at the tennis court.
IRWIN
What the hell's she talkin' about?
NASA V.O.
GAD! You don't have the bloody manual?
IRWIN
What fuckin' manual?
SCOTT
Major bummer! What're gonna do now? We're, like, stuck here, Dude! And I gotta go so bad!
IRWIN
Listen, you better tell us what to do, or I'll split your fuckin' head wide open,
NASA V.O.
Well, I suppose we'll have to, won't we? Right, then! Now, listen carefully, first you open the side hatch window so that you can see where you are, then press the red button,...
SCOTT
Dude, did you catch that?
NASA V.O.
...only after flipping the five green switches.
IRWIN
Sure, man, press the red button, then flip the 5 green switches thing here.
NASA V.O.
Now insert and twist the ignition key.
SCOTT
OK! Here goes nothin'. Ready?

SFX: Engine turning over, and starting up

IRWIN
Dave, man, you did it. Okay, now what?
NASA V.O.
Right, then. Now release the hand brake.
IRWIN
Okay. Hand brake released.
NASA V.O.
Good. Set the gear to "L".
SCOTT
Dude, what's she talkin' about? I don't see any "L"!?
IRWIN
Listen Houston, there's no fuckin' "L" on the gearbox!
NASA V.O.
What? No "L"??
SCOTT
Yeah, man. It just says, like, Park, Reverse, Drive, 2nd, and 1st.
NASA V.O.
Oh dear!! Hang on!

SFX: Files falling, papers shuffling

NASA V.O.
Damn! All right, set the gear to 1st.
IRWIN
Okay, gear's set at 1st.
NASA V.O.
Now, press on the petrol, just a tad. Not too hard, mind you!

SFX: Drag Racer taking off

SCOTT
WHOOOOOOAAAAAA!
IRWIN
HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!
NASA V.O.
What does the altitude-o-meter read?
SCOTT
It's, like, up to 30,000, 35,000...
NASA V.O.
No! Stop! You'll fly into space.
IRWIN
Whatta we do?
NASA V.O.
Slow down, Man! Hit the brake.

SFX: Tires screeching

SCOTT
Dude! That was bitchin'. What a ride! Like, now what?
NASA V.O.
When you reach 67,000, stop, and put on the emergency brake. Then set the gear to park.
SCOTT
Okay, man, we're at, like, 67,000, parking brake's on. What's next?
NASA V.O.
You have to wait until 'Endeavor' comes around again at about 70,000. It'll be moving quite fast, so you'll need to fire forward thrusters and catch up with it.
IRWIN
Hey sweet-heart, how fast we gotta get goin' to catch up?
NASA V.O.
Well, we're not quite sure! The Endeavor may be going around 110 kilometers-per-second. So when it comes around again you must take off the handbrake, step on it, get going about 150 kilometers per second until you catch up, then slow down to the same speed as the Module.
SCOTT
Slow down to 110?
NASA V.O.
Well, we don't really know how fast you'll be going in a vacuum! OH! And for God's sake don't get in its way, or you'll be smashed to bits.
SCOTT
Copy, dude! So when's the module comin' 'round?
NASA V.O.
I've a better question, Commander! Once you catch it, how are you going to line-up to dock with the module, specially, you're both going some 110 kilometers-per-second, inside a vacuum!?
SCOTT
Man, that's gotta be, like, totally impossible out here in space.
IRWIN
How the fuck are we supposed to do that?
NASA V.O.
Well, to be perfectly honest, we don't really know!
SCOTT
Huh? Like, what's the manual say, Dude?
NASA V.O.
It just ends. Much like the Mayan calendar in 2012. I'm frightfully sorry!
IRWIN
What the fuck?
NASA V.O.
You see, we never really thought you would make it this far. So I suppose we'll just have to improvise, now, won't we!?

SFX: Laughter in the background at NASA

SCOTT
Shit!
NASA V.O.
Ha-ha! We're only jesting. Of course we have a way to catch the command-module.
SCOTT
Cool! So how, man?
NASA V.O.
Alright, then. Listen carefully. In the compartment marked "net" take out the yellow MC device.
IRWIN
What the fuck is an MC device?
NASA V.O.
Oh, well, that's the module catcher. It's much like a large butterfly net. Really quite large. But in space it'll be light as a feather.
SCOTT
A butterfly net?
NASA V.O.
Commander, don't be daft! It's a module net. But it's simply shaped like a butterfly net.
IRWIN
Okay, keep talkin'. Whatta we do with that?
NASA V.O.
Why, you catch the module, of course.
IRWIN
How the fuck do we pull that off?
NASA V.O.
Well, once you have caught up with the module, one of you has to climb outside your lunar-lander and catch the command module with the net.
SCOTT
Hey! Far out, man. That sounds easy. You can do it, dude. No sweat.
NASA V.O.
It will be moving quite fast, so you'll need to keep your wits about you.
IRWIN
So when's it commin'?
NASA V.O.
Let me check. Let's see. It'll be passing your position in about fifteen seconds, so do get ready. And we'll speak with you again once you've docked. This is Ground Control. Cheerio!
SCOTT
(to Irwin)
Dude! You ready?
IRWIN
Okay! Okay! Don't get worked up.
CROSS FADE
SFX. IMITATION "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME SONG
EXT. OUTER-SPACE. LUNAR MODULE "FALCON" FLOATS ABOVE THE MOON
Commander David Scott and Lunar Module Pilot James Irwin are suspended at a stand-still over the Moon in open space. They have not trained for this, and they have a mere 10 seconds to get ready. Now the only thing they want to do is dock with the Command-Service-Module, Endeavor, which, as previously stated, contains the only toilet. The situation has become dire.
Apollo-15

TBC (cancelled)

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 28 May 2011
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/28 May 2011Template:FA/2011</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects