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“ I like him. He's smarter than me. ”
Origins of Lumpy
One day Chewbacca was smoking some glitterstim (Star Wars marijuana) with his wife Mallastarbucks (Malla) and his perverted dad Attichiballs (Ichy, also known as the Wookiee Brian Peppers). They were having a really crazy trip when Chewie said "Arrgharrrughar!" which meant "Hey, Malla, wanna make out?" Malla said, "Rurgh!" which meant "Hell yeah boochacca!" Ichy said, "BARKE!" which meant "I wanna help make Malla out. I LUUUURRVE butsecks!" So they had a threesome.Then Asian Han Solo walked in and said "Woh! Dudes ah you fucking Marra?" and Chewie said "Mmmmmm! Ooohh!" which meant "Mmmmmm! Ooohh!" and then "Araaghurr!" which meant "We totally are, man." Han Solo said "Cahn I join? Yoh wife is freaking HOT." (this was back when they were teenagers and Malla actually had some decent sized tits.) Chewie said "Rourhargh!" which meant "Totally dude. We still got one more hole." Han said "awesome," and joined in the Wookiee gang-bang.
Six months later Malla (who was no longer on drugs) came to Chewie (who was also no longer on drugs) and said "Arragh!" which meant "Chewie, I've got some bad news." Chewie said "Boorarghugh!" which meant "WTF! I'm trying to watch Two and a Half Sullistans! Tell me later!" But Malla said "AAAAARRGH!" which meant... you know what? I'm going to leave out the Wookiee noises and go strait to the translations.
Lets try this again:
Six months later Malla (who was no longer on drugs) came to Chewie (who was also no longer on drugs) and said "Chewie, I've got some bad news." Chewie said "WTF! I'm trying to watch Two and a Half Sullistans! Tell me later!" But Malla said "No I need to tell you now," and Chewie said "Dammit bitch! Can't you wait until my Force damned show is over!" Malla said "No Chewie it's urgent! I think I'm pregnant."
Chewie was all like WTF for a second and then he was like LOL and then he said, "Oh, that's awesome! Why is that bad news?" Malla said "Well, when I asked for maternity leave from the Imperial sweatshop I work at they fired me, so I don't think I'll be able to afford to take care of him." Chewie was all like "Oh shit, Malla. That's pretty fucked-up. What are we going to do?"
Malla didn't know what to do, so she started drinking. The alcohol combined with the drugs and the fact that the father was probably Asian Han Solo and caused the fetus to get fucked up. This is why you don't drink and take drugs while you're pregnant with an interspecies baby, ladies.
Six months later, Malla gave birth to a bouncing baby boy named Lumpy.
Chewie Finds Out That His Son is Retarded
When Lumpy was three, Malla caught him trying to eat their cat, Toaster. When Malla asked Lumpy why the hell he was eating the cat, he said "BAUDUHRUUUGH!" which doesn't mean shit in Wookiee-language. Two weeks later Chewie caught Lumpy watching the Pokemons on TV. Chewie said "Lumpy, why you watching this shit?" Lumpy said "'cause I lieks mudkipz, daddy!" and had a temper tantrum because his dad didn't liek mudkipz or any of that Poke-tard bullshit. The next day, Ichy caught Lumpy looking at his pr0n collection and trying to use one of the pr0n magazines as a hat. Ichy dropped lumpy on his head for being so retarded. This gave Lumpy the brain damage and made him more retarded.
After several months of this, Chewie decided to take Lumpy to a psychiatrist to see WTF was wrong in the kid's head. The doc did several tests on Lumpy, including ink-blots, an IQ test word-association, and a kitten huffing detector. After fifteen strait hours of this, the good doctor came out of the testing room and said "Mr. Bacca, I have some bad news. I don't know how to tell you this but... your son is a batshit insane, fucktarded, ape-shit crazy, mentally fucked-up, Scientologist, Corky from Life Goes On, furry-yiffing, Republican-voting Idiot. Chewie was like "O RLY?" and the doctor was like "YA RLY!" and Chewie was like "NO WAI!!!"
Chewie got really pissed because his son was a retard so he ripped the doctor's arms out of his sockets, 'cause that's what Wookiees do when they're pissed. Then he went into depression for several weeks.
The Star Wars Holiday Special
In 1978 George Lucas came over to Chewbacca's house and said "Hey, Chewinator! Wazzup! Hey listen big guy I've got this really crazy idea: I'm going to make a TV Christmas special about Star Wars and it's going to star you and your family! Whatayasay?" Chewbacca said this was fine, as long as Lumpy wasn't in it, because he didn't want every Star Wars nerd in the universe to know that his son was a retard. Lucas said that he couldn't leave out Chewie's kid because the special was supposed to be about [[family], and besides, it was going to be shit anyway so no one would notice that Lumpy was just as retarded as the rest of the show. Chewie said okay, and Ichy celebrated his chance to be on TV by anally raping Lumpy.
What Happened in The Star Wars Holiday Special?
Okey so it starts out with Lumpy running around playing with some cheap-ass wooden X-wing toy and making "vroom vroom" noises except they sounded more like "nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeig nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeig" noises. There was something about Han and Chewie trying to get to Kashyyk but being blocked by star destroyers that happened before this part, but that was before the opening credits so it doesn't count, and besides, the footage was all ripped off from A New Hope. Where was I? Oh yeah: Lumpy was messing with the toy spaceship, and he sees Ichy re-carving his other toy spaceship into a dildo. Lumpy's all like "Gwampa, why am you cut my sthpathip?" And Ichy's snaps at him like, "Fuck off you little retard!"
Then Malla comes in and she's like "Take out the trash." and Lumpy's like "I don' wanna!" and Malla's like, "you have to or you can't watch the Pokemons." Lumpy goes up to Ichy and says "Gwampa! Mommy's no gon let me see der mudkipz!" and Malla's like "Take out the trash!" and Ichy's all like "Mudkipz are gaytarded!" and Lumpy's all like "Awwwwww..." so Ichy comforts Lumpy by saying "but you're gaytarded too so it's okay for you to liek mudkipz." But Lumpy just gets more upset so Ichy says "fuck you too asswipe!"cookies and tries to steal one. And Malla comes over and says "Those cookies are for the church potluck to help everyone see God! Put it back!" So Lumpy puts the cookie back, and Malla goes and gets the garbage for Lumpy to take out. But while her back is turned--DUM DUM DUUUUM!--he steals a cookie again. Malla gives Lumpy the garbage can and he takes it out. Lumpy goes out and puts the garbage can down, briefly considers hurling himself off the balcony to his death a brazillion miles below, but he's too retarded to do it correctly and ends up doing a tightrope walk on the railings.
Back inside Malla goes up to Ichy and asks him why he's making one of Lumpy's toys into a dildo. And Ichy's all like "None of your business," but you can tell that he intends to use it on her that night, "where's my good for nothing smuggler son?" No one knows so Ichy puts on some gay-ass holographic circus for Lumpy. I swear, the circus guys dress like aliens but you can sooooooooooooo tell that they're humans even though they're tiny. But Lumpy's a retard and he buys the alien act and starts moaning and banging his chest.
At this point my DVD player spazzed out because I was using a bootleg copy of the Holiday Special. You see, George Lucas thought the SWHS was so fucktarded that he never aired it again and refused to sell any DVDs of it except at black markets. From what I remember they called Princess Leia, and you could totally tell Ichy wanted to hit that, then they called Luke Skywalker, and R2-D2 flipped out because he was on the Holiday Special and he knew it was going to be crap. And then they called some elderly merchant, who is like the Star Wars Santa Clause, except he's real and doesn't have any mad magic skillz. Nobody knew where Chewie was. Then they saw a cooking show with a four-armed trannie in blackface. Then a stormtrooper ripped the head off Lumpy's plush Bantha to see if there were any drugs inside. There were none and the stormy got pissed. Then there was a TV show about Bea Arthur going to Tattooine and getting drunk. Then the merchant guy comes and gives Ichy some new pr0n. Then the stormtroopers came back, but Han Solo pwned them with the Vulcan Death Grip, and Chewbacca showed up. Finally all the Wookiees went to some lame-ass ceremony where they all wore red robes and had a huge acid trip while Carrie Fisher sang some gay hippie song about celebrating peace and happiness.
The SWHS was so lame. How lame was it? It was so lame that even a retard like Lumpy hated it, so he ran away. He hitchhiked on the Starship Intercourse owned by Captain James T. Kirk, all the way to planet Middle Earth where Gandalf gave him a ring that he was supposed to throw into a volcano on planet Rastafaar, but some creepy barefooted chick with her hair hanging down in front of her face came out of the Ring and summoned a tornado that blew Lumpy all the way to planet Oz where he had to fight Scarecrow from Batman, Gort the tin-man, Aslan the cowardly lion, and some bitch named Dorothy to the death for the right to visit the Mighty Jedi Master of Oz. He won solely because Aslan ran away and was hit by a truck, Scarecrow had a nervous breakdown, Gort imploded because of the time paradox created by his being from a completely different sci-fi universe, and Dorothy was eaten by her dog, Hoho.So Lumpy got to go into the Forbidden City, where the Mighy Jedi Master of Oz lived. Cowboy Curtis from Peewee's Playhouse was there and told Lumpy that the Jedi had been killed by Agent Sith, and that the entire Star Wars universe was actually a giant MMORPG called the Matrix (also known as Star Wars Galaxies) and that all the people in the Matrix were being secretly manipulated by the Computer Nerds who fed off their life-forces. Cowboy Curtis said that even though Lumpy was a retard and not the One, Neo was drunk in a gutter at the moment so Lumpy had been temporarily promoted to Acting One, and had to go fight Agent Sith.
So Lumpy went and fought Agent Sith, who was played by Ted Stevens. The fight was easy because the Agent was old, had only 2 HP, and thought that the Matrix was a series of tubes, thus having absolutely no understanding of how it or its people worked. Agent Sith's final word was "No!"
Cowboy Curtis hit the reset button on the universe and the Mighty Jedi Master of Oz wasn't dead anymore. He gave Lumpy a heart, a brain, and courage. Lumpy now had two hearts, but the second brain was also retarded and the courage was just a medal so Lumpy threw it out.
Return to Kasshyyyk
The Mighty Jedi Master of Oz gave Lumpy a pair of jeweled boxing gloves and told Lumpy that if he punched himself in the face three times and said "there's no place like home" he would be magically teleported back to Kashyyk. Lumpy, being the retard that he was, did so, breaking his own nose and blackening his left eye. The Jedi Master found this hilarious, but stopped laughing just soon enough to realise that Lumpy had hijacked his hot-air balloon back home.
When Lumpy got back, though, Kashyyk was being invaded by Yuuzhan Vong, who were Amish skeletons that killed people. Nom Anor, the leader of the Yuuzhan Vong, stabbed Lumpy in the heart, but he had two hearts and didn't die. It was then that Lumpy found out that Chewbacca had been killed when Moonman fell on him. Shocked by the death of his adopted father, Lumpy hid in a cardboard box with Solid Snake for the rest of the Yuuzhan Vong War.
A week after Lumpy came out of the box, Darth Caedus set Kashyyk on fire, killing Lumpy to death. The Ring was found by Gollum several centuries later, but that's another post. Lumpy also has a great imagination.