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“Was this a cow? Or one of my eight cousins?”
- This article is about a silent-era porn actress, you may also be looking for the singer Lulu
Lulu is the name of a very famous Romulan. She is most famous for her role as Carmin in Carmin II: Pandora's Box, as well as waging war against Hollywood, inventing the Goth look, and being underestimated. She is the philosophical successor of Arthur Schopenhauer.
Lulu was conceived in the Land of Oz (AKA: Thal territory) on Mars. After an expedition through the Stargate in November (See: Scorpio) 1906 to collect grain samples in Kansas (AKA: Ukraine No.2), her family, who were getting tired of their bustling life back home, decided to plant seeds of their own and she ended up being born in a highly affluent establishment in the middle of nowhere, developing into an remarkably developed super-human being.
edit Schopenhauer: "Don't Go Out Tonight, It's Bound to Take Your Life"
One day, she decided to walk out of the house to see the world, in so doing she met Satan, the experience traumatized her.
This prompted her into a long spiritual journey in search for an answer to why life on planet Earth was so damned no-good. After a long association with the pseudo-scientific writings of Arthur Schopenhauer she collapsed under a Bodhi tree and then reached enlightenment.
edit Lulu: The She-Dervish
Initially, she took up enlightenment through dancing to bineural trance techno, eventually becoming a member of a mystical Sufi order. She also happened to be part of a Vajrayana Tantra cult as well (if you know what Tantra is, first pat yourself on the back, because you've been around, and secondly... Well then you'll know the filthy little secret politely kept throughout this article about it's subject, it's called Ghostwriting). Unfortunately, Satan would return and act through the greed of man named Zigfield who would present her to gawking crowds as a mere embroilment to bad jokes and crass noises. Eventually, he presented her to exploitative filmmakers who eventually decided to waste their time making money.
edit Carmin II: Pandora's Box
Her biggest break, however, was in Nazi Germany, (where she was highly regarded as a major enemy of the Jews. See Jesus) starring in a film adaptation to the stage sequel to Carmin. In this version, the ghost of Carmin possesses a poor girl and has her pit EVERYBODY against eachother (including a few dogs and a horse), resulting in an orgiastic bloodbath (ala the finale of Stephen King's Needful Things). The story ends with Jack the Ripper sacrificing her to Jabulan, thus rising to the status of 33 Degree.
The film, though in of it's self not very impressive and certainly not original, was a wonderful platform to demonstrate Martian aesthetic sense applied to grooming.
However, this would be followed by a truly much more intense and horrific piece...
edit Oh Sh*t!
Director Pabst was not satisfied, and wanted to make something really unusual, then he decided to create what may have been the most objectionable film up until A Clockwork Orange, this would be called Briggette Jone's Diaries.
In this, a young Briggette marries an abusive man, kills him, runs from the law, then is kidnapped by underworld types and sold into sexual slavery. She then escapes only to be caught and tortured to death by Slovakian Droogs who pay admission for people to watch.
The film shocked and awed audiences with horrific terror not known anywhere else, many where driven insane by the evil thing. It was also the first to use a black-metal soundtrack (Mazurski and the Erinyes).
edit "I See a Bad Moon A'Rising, I See Trouble on the Way, I See Earthquakes and Lightnin', I See Bad Times Today"
After this last excursion into wrenching examples of human nature gone horribly, horribly wrong, the studios wanted absolutely nothing to do with her, and forced her into romantic comedies with Richard Gere and Adam Sandler. After deliberate attempts to sabotage these stupid films, she was barred from ever acting again.
Thus from then on she moved to Seattle and became addicted to booze and ####o. She also lived through stealing money from pleasure droids after receiving their services. This whole horrible existence would lead her into the blackest of black depressions ever, which would eventually be written down in her Profound, highly reverential Holy Book/Sci-fi classic: The Seven Seals, which is ultimately based on the works of Ukrainian geologist and Kabbala adapt Vladimir Vernadsky (which was made into a film by Igmar Bergman).
edit Death and Her Pseudo-Masonic Sex Cult
Not all was over for her, however. Being super-intelligent and resourceful, she decided to tell wonderfully offensive critiques of various filmmakers. Infact, film critic and mass murderer Roger Ebert recounts how he was inspired into his career after letchering her films (Achtung! The following link IS obscene, and down right disgusting!).
Eventually, however, she also managed to begin a cult around her film persona as well, lecturing to numerous obsessed fans confusing her with her Carmin character (seeing this as a good opportunity to add a little something extra in the way of philosophy to these people's narrow, ######istic, and generally worthless lives). Eventually, through information gathered from some of her followers, she decided to turn the group into a Masonic Order called the "The Lulu Shriners".
The basis of the group is her unique interpretation of what the interlocking square and compass truly symbolizes, which has something to do with genetics (see Raelians, who probably stole most of their ideas from her anyway). She says that the sacred mysteries are best understood through participation in charity golf events.
Her soul left Helland in 1985, but her graven image is still revered by perverts the world over (especially in Germany, where she is seen as a national heroine, despite being an American Jewess, and in Japan as a "Queen of the Mercy Goddesses").
edit Vengience From Beyond the Grave!
Ted Turner, after years of badgering her estate (which comprised of Manga author, a former CBS chairman, another old guy-friend, and a goldfish), eventually bought her films, and not merely did he colorize them, but dubbed them as well (mostly with stock dialogue from old Captain Planet episodes and his own speeches, Lulu was specially voiced by Yoko Ono and Ted Kennedy narrates). Sadly, after conducting a parapsychological investigation, Shirley McaLaine has warned Turner that the spirit of Lulu is restless and angry, and if he does not pay back all revenues for damages, Lulu will deliver seven deadly plagues upon all his ranches. At this point Turner seems to be hard of heart and only time will tell what will turn out.
edit Alternative Theories
There are a number of theories as to Lulu's true nature, as well as her post-mortem state:
Many people say she was a flapper, however, upon close inspection, she seems little of the sort, and more appropriately, there is fair comment, however, that she actually was the first Goth, the reasoning for this being as follows:
- Most flappers wear light colors, Lulu, however, is as dark as Johnny Cash (also a Goth, ever hear Hurt?).
- Most flappers are gay, Lulu, on the other hand, is bi (and it is all very masochistically self-deprecating as well, sings of a Goth chick).
- Most flappers are the dumb precursors to Valley girls, Lulu, by contrast, reminds one of a female Edgar Allan Poe, Umberto Eco or a melancholy Oscar Wilde instead.
This and the fact that she took Schopenhauer's pessimism to new, unexplored territories, one thinks that she started the first Goth cult, a hermetic Christian sect before it, and all other branches of Christianity for that matter, where infiltrated by Satanists of all shades of crassness. Her version had heavy Buddhist and themes as well (See: Autism). She claimed to have been a martyr (being crucified by the movie industry).
edit Conspiracy Theory
Given her wild lifestyle, which would both provide her "friends" (or handlers, as they are known) with personal information and with people whom they could blackmail, it is very probable that she was unwittingly being used by certain people in Hollywood to gather dirt on people.
After a while, she was booted out of that whole state altogether. Most say that it is both due to the fact that she 1: Starred in some really controversial pieces of Nazi propaganda (keep in mind that this is a Jewish controlled state, and she is probably even a Jew, making her twice as insulting). And 2: She refused to participate in the drive that they wanted to feed the masses, thus leading them to call her a "Commie Bitch!".
However, it is also possible that she figured out that Hollywood was not all that it appeared, but rather, that the whole thing is a scam run by gangsters intent on stealing YOUR money by producing simple-mindedness to turn you into a hollow-headed consumer! Yep, this is certainly the truth, oh and guess what they fund with that money as well! This man says so! SUCKERS!
It is also said that Jim Morrison was her disciple under a splinter group called "The Doors", which attempted to start a revolution against her enemies, and we all know Jim Morrison is actually still alive somewhere as a business consultant (and he was very intelligent too, just like her).
There is yet another alternative theory of her afterlife whereabouts. She died in upper state New York in 1985. At that same time, a struggling writer by the name of Whitley Strieber ran into the woods (in upper state New York) on Christmas Eve. He recalls how he was incapacitated and then was stricken with sudden fear as a skinny, triangle-faced woman with large sloe eyes approached him, accompanied by little hooded gnomes who then proceeded to rape him at request of their master, who seemed to like this quite a bit! He was never the same again... Aparently, she also promised him to always return whenever he needs a new book to hawk (Observe!, note all the Nazi stuff he has on recently?). In cojunction with this, and what we have just read above, one should add the works of David M. Jacobs, where we find her true agenda -- and her favorite means of reaching it...
- Lulu was actually bald (having cut her hair after reaching enlightenment, following in the footsteps of Siddhartha). Her famous wig was literally an experimental headgear designed by R. Buckminster Fuller using strands of platinum melted into place (but the half-crescent cheek guards, though reminiscent of Rome, was considered redundant), the future (more orthodox) version became official for the Waffen SS.
She wore a series of wigs during her lifetime, indeed, she was a master of disguise.
- There are some elements of Lulu in Cher, however, Lulu was allot more attractive.
- There are some similarities with Bjork (namely being a generally "Eurasian" appearance, and a horrible attitude).
- Lulu has absolutely nothing to do with Sophia (who is only half as attractive as Lulu, most of which seems to reside in Sophia's chest). Contrary to popular belief, they are not siblings (and Sophia is certainly not as smart as she sounds).
- Either way you see it, she is ALLOT more important then you figure...
edit Early Exploitation Films
- Zigfield Goes Bananas 1925 (Da Pimp himself!)
- Dancing Merryment 1927 (Simply an excuse to see women's legs, see Girls Gone Wild)
- Dancing Merryment to the News Year (Partying Down to 1927) (Same as before)
- Gams to Gander 1928 (Self explanatory)
edit Nazi Propaganda
- Degenerate Art: What the West Forces Upon You 1928 (Film warning about the Allied state's master plan to destroy Germany with and wholesome violence)
- Carmin II: Pandora's Box 1928 (The classic, speaks itself)
- Schneil! Steinstrumpfer 1929 (Instructional video for brownshirts teaching how to deal with Communists, Anarchists, Jews, and other subversive scum).
- Bridgette Jone's Diaries 1929 (To Germans: A cautionary tale warning about the West's degeneracy and the inhumanity of mongrelized Easterners! Simply disgusting to everyone else).
- Du! Mein Reich, Du! Mein Liebeln 1933 (Her devotional to Adolf Hitler, comes whit a bonus reel entitled Hooken Khrueitzen KraZ, which may be an early form of Rave)
- Bell de Prix (German title: Frensche Girly-Menschen) 1931 (Actually a German propaganda film about the French's weakness, illustrated in their being easily dominated by the star)
- Eight Crazy Nights (Adam Sandler gets caught with friends and relatives during Christmas, supposedly, she punched him out after he burst into her dressing room, singing an encore of his Hanuka song for the dozenth time, which he was doing to the whole studio)
- Chicago (Richard Gere, the film was so bad that she walked out of this one and let her role be done by Zeta-Jones in a wig instead. Man! This thing is cursed to hell forever!!!)
- John Wayne's Cowboy Movie (She never forgave him for this one!)
- Westworld 195- (Lulu teams up with fellow Eurasian Cyborg, Yul Brenner, to totally kill John Wayne)
edit From Beyond the Grave
- KMFDM: Megalomania (what she would like to do to the Hollywood executives who crucified her, OOOOYYY! This video marked the beginning of a long, successful career with the band, her likeness adoring many of their album covers)
- Roujin-Z (Plays the title character of a lonely automated care facility)
- THE THING-THING Searies! (A rare documentary series that give a fairly accurate depiction of Louise's life since the 20's)
edit See Also
- Anime/Magical Girl
- Arthur Schopenhauer (Sufism, Buddhism and Masochristianity)
- Masochristian (Later in life)
- Asian Nazis
- Autism (Cannot "love")
- Trent Reznor
- Bjork (another ballsey scorpion in the entertainment industry)
- Jim Morrison (another bright but anti-social and promiscuous genius killed in odd circumstanced)
- Hello Kitty Vibrator
- Not to be confused with "Lulu"